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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD’s friends changing gender at school

422 replies

AFS1 · 21/05/2021 21:18

My daughter is in yr 7. In the last month or so an increasing number of her female friends have changed their names to boys’ names and decided they want to be addressed as “he/him”. We’re up to at least 4, including her best friend who she’s known since they were in reception (and has never once demonstrated even the slightest hint of gender dysphoria). My daughter is desperately trying to respect the various requests but is becoming increasingly confused and upset by it all. She feels like she doesn’t really know her friends anymore and that she doesn’t fit in with them.

It very much feels like a phase to me, but it’s really beginning to have an impact on my daughter. It also feels like it’s getting out of hand. WIBU to speak to the school about it all? I don’t really know what they could do, but it just seems that maybe some work needs to be done around this issue.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’d be really grateful for any advice about what to do and say. Thanks.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 01:25

You know why so many women on here have such strong views about girls and gender? Why we say, no there aren't loads of middle aged women who want to be men.

Because we were girls. And many girls that we knew or ourselves. Found the change from child to person for men to leer at really horrible. Periods are awful. The change in the way you're treated is sudden and difficult. Suddenly grown men are looking at you like they want to eat you, when you're 12, because you've got boobs.

toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:26

I've said that I refer to my DDs friends by the name they prefer. So that can be put to one side.

That’s what I do too and I think OPs daughter shouldn’t get upset because her friends have different names.

NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 01:26

When I was a girl the attempt to stop it was very baggy clothes combined with eating disorders. Stop the periods. Shrink and hide the body. Then maybe it will stop.

Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:28

@toocold54

And yes, it starts with affirming new names and "pronouns". The more you affirm, the more likely these children carry on down this path.

No I have more kids who want their name changed to the same sex they already are eg Sarah to Sophie and it doesn’t send them down some dark path. It’s just teens being teens and no teen goes to the doctors and says I want to be male/female and the doctor puts them straight on hormone blockers it takes years.

How about setting some boundaries and just not letting them change their names every five minutes? What a waste of time for the teachers. How can they get any work done? Absolute nonsense. And this isn't even anything to do with trans by the sound of it - your name is your name unless you change it by deed poll as an adult.
toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:29

Because we were girls. And many girls that we knew or ourselves. Found the change from child to person for men to leer at really horrible.

I actually think some of the views stem from this though which is why I stick up for trans people.
It’s like some people are thinking if I had to suffer through growing up being a female then you don’t get to have an easy ride by acting like a male for a while.

stonecat · 22/05/2021 01:32

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toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:32

How about setting some boundaries and just not letting them change their names every five minutes? What a waste of time for the teachers. How can they get any work done? Absolute nonsense.

If you grew up in a world dominated by SM you would understand how poor the MH of our young people are.
If a simple name change is going to stop someone from attempting to take their own life or taking their hurt out on someone else then it’s a small price to pay.

Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:32

@toocold54

Because we were girls. And many girls that we knew or ourselves. Found the change from child to person for men to leer at really horrible.

I actually think some of the views stem from this though which is why I stick up for trans people.
It’s like some people are thinking if I had to suffer through growing up being a female then you don’t get to have an easy ride by acting like a male for a while.

But you speak as though the child can somehow influence the outside world by doing this. They can't though - you're giving them false hope that this will protect them.
stonecat · 22/05/2021 01:32

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Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:34

@toocold54

How about setting some boundaries and just not letting them change their names every five minutes? What a waste of time for the teachers. How can they get any work done? Absolute nonsense.

If you grew up in a world dominated by SM you would understand how poor the MH of our young people are.
If a simple name change is going to stop someone from attempting to take their own life or taking their hurt out on someone else then it’s a small price to pay.

You're enabling this.

Boundaries.

Boundaries.

Boundaries.

welshmercury · 22/05/2021 01:35

Ask the school for guidance about how to support your child as sounds like she is losing her friends while they figure out their needs.
The school can signpost you. You could also ask if they are able to talk about it in school on a general level so your child feels able to support her friends in their new gender. And that it’s ok that she feels like a girl and there’s nothing wrong with that.

toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:35

I think you downplay the current trend because you have not read enough about the statistics or listened to the experiences of detransitioners who's lives have been ruined by adults indulging them in their teenage years.

I try and educate myself as much as I can and I am always learning. But people also need to educate themselves on the harm they cause by dismissing the genuine feelings that some people have.
If OP had said these kids were taking hormones and their parents were forcing something on them then I’d think differently but they’re 11 year olds going through puberty in the middle of a pandemic.

toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:36

This is so twisted.

I know it makes me so sad.

NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 01:37

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Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:37

@stonecat

It’s like some people are thinking if I had to suffer through growing up being a female then you don’t get to have an easy ride by acting like a male for a while.

This is so twisted.

It's not that. They're not jealous. It's because it won't work.
toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:38

You're enabling this.

When you deal with teens self harming or trying to take their own lives you won’t be so quick to dismiss their MH Hmm

stonecat · 22/05/2021 01:38

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NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 01:40

@toocold54

Because we were girls. And many girls that we knew or ourselves. Found the change from child to person for men to leer at really horrible.

I actually think some of the views stem from this though which is why I stick up for trans people.
It’s like some people are thinking if I had to suffer through growing up being a female then you don’t get to have an easy ride by acting like a male for a while.

How does changing your name protect you from random men leering at you when you're in secondary school???
toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:40

It's not that. They're not jealous. It's because it won't work.

I believe some people are born in the wrong body. Most aren’t but meiosis is so complicated that of course sometimes there are ‘mistakes’.
This seems to offend a lot of people.

Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:41

@toocold54

I think you downplay the current trend because you have not read enough about the statistics or listened to the experiences of detransitioners who's lives have been ruined by adults indulging them in their teenage years.

I try and educate myself as much as I can and I am always learning. But people also need to educate themselves on the harm they cause by dismissing the genuine feelings that some people have.
If OP had said these kids were taking hormones and their parents were forcing something on them then I’d think differently but they’re 11 year olds going through puberty in the middle of a pandemic.

Kids need stability, honesty, the truth. Not this.
stonecat · 22/05/2021 01:42

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Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:42

@toocold54

It's not that. They're not jealous. It's because it won't work.

I believe some people are born in the wrong body. Most aren’t but meiosis is so complicated that of course sometimes there are ‘mistakes’.
This seems to offend a lot of people.

The odd one in a larger population. Not four in a class.
toocold54 · 22/05/2021 01:44

Child: call me a boy or I will kill myself
Adults: you're a boy dear, of course you are
Child: I've changed my mind now I'm non-binary. Call me non-binary or I'll take my hurt out on someone else
Adults: yes, you're non-binary dear

Child: I genuinely believe I was born in the wrong body. My body doesn’t feel like my own and I’ve tried to cut my breasts off several times.
Adult: don’t be so stupid. You have a vagina therefore you must act like a girl and you will be called by your girly name and nothing else. Now suck it up like I had to do and get on with it.

Grellbunt · 22/05/2021 01:45

@toocold54

You're enabling this.

When you deal with teens self harming or trying to take their own lives you won’t be so quick to dismiss their MH Hmm

I'm absolutely not dismissing it. I'm saying that by failing to provide strong boundaries rooted in reality and pandering to their every whim the adults are contributing to the deterioration in their mental health.
NiceGerbil · 22/05/2021 01:45

'It’s like some people are thinking if I had to suffer through growing up being a female then you don’t get to have an easy ride by acting like a male for a while.'

Ok well again. Have you thought this through?

If what you say works. And you said earlier that 'acting like a male' for a teen is just using a different name.

Then this can protect girls worldwide from

Child marriage
Missing out on school
Being targeted for CSE
Having their schools burned down
Being exposed to a range of sexual violence all over the place while going about their day
Etc etc etc

Yes?