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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD’s friends changing gender at school

422 replies

AFS1 · 21/05/2021 21:18

My daughter is in yr 7. In the last month or so an increasing number of her female friends have changed their names to boys’ names and decided they want to be addressed as “he/him”. We’re up to at least 4, including her best friend who she’s known since they were in reception (and has never once demonstrated even the slightest hint of gender dysphoria). My daughter is desperately trying to respect the various requests but is becoming increasingly confused and upset by it all. She feels like she doesn’t really know her friends anymore and that she doesn’t fit in with them.

It very much feels like a phase to me, but it’s really beginning to have an impact on my daughter. It also feels like it’s getting out of hand. WIBU to speak to the school about it all? I don’t really know what they could do, but it just seems that maybe some work needs to be done around this issue.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’d be really grateful for any advice about what to do and say. Thanks.

OP posts:
H2OConnoisseur · 21/05/2021 22:43

I think the whole 'movement' reinforces gender stereotypes. I was a complete tomboy back in school (10 years ago) and did all the traditionally 'boys' activities. Everyone accepted that I was still a girl that liked to do 'boys activities'. In today's society, I'm pretty sure I'd be 'pushed' or influenced to classify myself as trans. We talk about how progressive we are but gender stereotypes it seems are more prevalent than ever.

Grellbunt · 21/05/2021 22:45

Inside number nine:

I'm not aware that girls are stopped from wearing their hair short or wearing trousers? I think posters are not objecting to the school letting them do these things - what they don't like is the school calling them boys if they do. Short hair and trousers do not maketh the man.

Warmduscher · 21/05/2021 22:45

@GirlCrush

i work with young people. 2 have re assigned their gender. i'm supporting one through a physical transition

thank god people can now feel free to be who they feel they should be....just shows how many out there feel this way

It’s been a while since we had a poster on a trans thread who works with young people.

Feels quite nostalgic Grin

endofthelinefinally · 21/05/2021 22:46

I feel so sorry for girls in school today. One rape a day in schools in England. No single sex toilets or changing rooms. Boys watching extreme violent porn on their phones from the age of around 8. Upskirting. Sharing photos obtained by threats and coersion.
Then outside school there is the usual ogling, groping, cat calling by men who should behave better.
Girls are subject to so much more physical and psychological abuse than we were a generation ago. No wonder they try to identify out of it.

Original poster
AFS1 · 21/05/2021 22:46

@Nonmaquillee I’ll have a read, thanks.

For those asking about the difficulty my daughter is facing, it’s just that it seems to have become the dominant topic of conversation in their friendship group. That’s why I’m hoping that even if the gender by which they want to identify as doesn’t change, the obsession over who they want to be known as recedes soon. Plus a couple of them can’t pick a name and stick to it which is just irritating!

OP posts:
Original poster
AFS1 · 21/05/2021 22:49

@H2OConnoisseur

I think the whole 'movement' reinforces gender stereotypes. I was a complete tomboy back in school (10 years ago) and did all the traditionally 'boys' activities. Everyone accepted that I was still a girl that liked to do 'boys activities'. In today's society, I'm pretty sure I'd be 'pushed' or influenced to classify myself as trans. We talk about how progressive we are but gender stereotypes it seems are more prevalent than ever.
This is the thing that worries me as a wider issue. My daughter has grown up with me being singularly ungirly, but still 100% female so I hope she has a confidence that she can be whatever type of girl she wants to be. But increasingly, if you’re not into dresses and make-up there seems pressure to say that you must be male.
OP posts:
Warmduscher · 21/05/2021 22:49

It isn't up to her to figure out whether her friends are going through a phase or not, and whether they are doing the right thing or not. She just needs to respect what they're asking her to do, which doesn't sound all that difficult to me.

Sounds like you’re suggesting she ignores the reality in front of her face? Why would she do that? Isn’t it very insulting to her friends to pretend she actually believes that they have changed into boys?

toocold54 · 21/05/2021 22:49

If the numbers were always like this, and it’s not a fad and not social contagion, why isn’t there a 4000% increase in middle aged women flocking to gender clinics now? Or even just socially transitioning?

It is a lot harder for a middle aged women to transition. There is still a lot of stigma attached which is why there’s more f-m than m-f because of the stigma attached.

Many of us wanted to be a different gender when we were younger which was probably more to do with our hobbies, hairstyle choices etc which we were taught was only for boys.

I think the best thing would be to have less sports, hobbies, clothing, colours etc that are classed as male or female.

But even if the kids are going through phases what’s the harm? Chances are they’ll go through a punk or gothic phase too but it’s just part of becoming who they are.

Warmduscher · 21/05/2021 22:52

It is a lot harder for a middle aged women to transition. There is still a lot of stigma attached which is why there’s more f-m than m-f because of the stigma attached.

Do you have a link to any studies that show that to be the case?

Beecham · 21/05/2021 22:54

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ForeveronEtsy · 21/05/2021 22:55

My mind boggles with it all.
At first I felt positive that children and young people feel more accepted with coming out, but the whole thing is going too far. I am worried for my dds future at school as it must be so confusing and damaging for children.
Is this really happening as much as I am reading about? I really hope it is a trend that will pass.

Grellbunt · 21/05/2021 22:55

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Crazycat53 · 21/05/2021 22:56

@afs1 my ds is also yr7. In a classroom of 30 there's 3 children who want to change gender. He's also said that he's pansexual. Being straight is not cool at the moment...

GirlCrush · 21/05/2021 22:56

well this isn't going anywhere and will only increase as time goes on

enlighten your kids, but maybe some mums netters need to educate themselves first

Lovelanguedoc · 21/05/2021 22:56

It's no more than the most recent 'jump on the latest bandwagon' to conform to social norms.
I accept that there are truly transgender people but they are few.
Thirty years ago this would not have been a problem. Unfortunately it is, in today's society.

Sjdmcfeet · 21/05/2021 22:56

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JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/05/2021 22:56

DD is in Y7. Every week she comes home from school telling me that child A is gay, child B is bi and so is child C, D, E and F. Child G was gay last week but is straight this week... and so it goes on...

It's all ridiculous; obviously a trend. One that I hope passes soon.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 21/05/2021 22:56

Yes same here, im mot worried but mum friends are.

It's the new punk, mod, rocker, goth, 80s frills...

It's the new fashion and as pp said only problems come when it's enthusiastically confirmed and hormone injections start.

stonecat · 21/05/2021 22:57

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GirlCrush · 21/05/2021 22:57

@twelly

I don't think school's should allow pupils to change names or present in any way different to their assigned gender at birth. This is become something of a craze and schools need to ignore it. Social media is influencing these pupils - we are born into a world with many different characters and our sex is one of these, children need to learn to love and live with what they have fir a happy life
oh god, the naivety....embarassing really
twelly · 21/05/2021 22:57

Dressing in the way you want, choosing your own style is very different from changing from a girl to boy or vice versa. Clothes and style can be altered and modified , once teenagers start identifying as a different sex then it becomes more difficult - many feel they can't revert back and once their is medical intervention it is harder still

Midge75 · 21/05/2021 22:58

I get it OP. More and more children in my daughter's school are saying the same thing. And when it happened for the first time in yr7, she found it very difficult. That friend also kept changing names and my daughter was afraid of getting it wrong and offending her - the same girl was very vocal on social media about how offensive it was to use the wrong name. The previously fairly quietly spoken girl was now a strong-minded non-binary person whose language changed overnight. Music tastes changed, clothing style changed... It was very confusing and my daughter was worried she would lose her as a friend. However, they do tend to be quite resilient. She thought it through and we chatted about it all and said that as long as she kept on being kind to her, being there for her if she wanted to chat about anything, tried to use the preferred pronouns, behaved towards her just as she had before, she'd be fine. If the friend chose to drift from the friendship, so be it. And it has calmed down. They are still friends - not as close, but that's more to do with the friend expanding her circle, so spreading herself more thinly between classmates.

Grellbunt · 21/05/2021 22:58

I hope they aren't sending the gender questioning girls off to use the boys' loos? Cause that could be a recipe for disaster.

nolongersurprised · 21/05/2021 22:58

It is a lot harder for a middle aged women to transition. There is still a lot of stigma attached which is why there’s more f-m than m-f because of the stigma attached

But that doesn’t make sense. How is there simultaneously a joyful lack of stigma resulting in a 4000% increase in girls wanting to present as boys and buckets of stigma for adult women? Anyone who is actually a woman appreciates that generally confidence increases with age.

Where are these women who are desperately wishing to present as male but too stigmatised to do so? Where are there online (anonymous) support groups? Their Reddit threads? Sounds like bullshit to me.

endofthelinefinally · 21/05/2021 22:59

The hormones, puberty blockers, mutilating surgery scare me.
Read the recent Keira Bell case.