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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long novel post - AIBU to think he’s creepy/potentially abusive etc

165 replies

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 17:24

Sorry that this will be so long ( TLDR; Too Long Didnt read will be at bottom) ...

I'm not a mum, i'm 22 ( nearly was going to be a mum last year but thats a different story...), I don't know any women between 40-50 RL to ask, preferring answers from this age range although anyone can answer yabu or yanbu..

So i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51 ( free to have an opinion, but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question)

i've been seeing him for a year, not a well off sugar daddy, he’s bought me a cheap car though, don’t care much that’s he’s not well off since I only do SW on/off now+last year covid slow business...

Last year he said he's had trouble on dating sites after saying hes got 3 baby mums and 4 kids.... anyway he explained the situation regarding his babymums/kids to me...

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance...

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day.

The third baby mum story raised my suspicions of something seeming off ....

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“
...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years....then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk, then he met me.

As I said I don’t know women RL who are between 40-50 to ask, but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners and/or he’s not emotionally mature for his age/basically has a younger mindset....
and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down....

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy....but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds...and maybe i’m thinking too harshly, maybe he isn’t potentially abusive etc... maybe he has been unlucky? that’s why I prefer answers off women 40-50yos as he’s 51 and dated these teens 20-30 years ago

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though)

So...mumsnet aibu or not?

OP posts:
ElephantsNest · 22/05/2021 00:05

He sounds like a complete loser. I would sever all ties, you are worth more than this.

JudyC26 · 22/05/2021 00:09

Anyone else find the term ‘baby mum’ incredibly offensive? Do you mean his formers partners?
Money for sex is gross.
He’s a massive creep.

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 00:16

@JudyC26

Anyone else find the term ‘baby mum’ incredibly offensive? Do you mean his formers partners? Money for sex is gross. He’s a massive creep.
To me it's more crass than offensive And I agree that men who pay for sex all belong in the category 'creep' Does it come down to subdivisions ...like, is he a grade 1 creep or a grade 2 creep etc🤷‍♀️
RickiTarr · 22/05/2021 00:16

Anyone else wondering why the OP is entitled a “novel post”?

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 00:19

@RickiTarr

Anyone else wondering why the OP is entitled a “novel post”?
I assumed she meant that it was a novel length/length of a book, but she may equally have meant there was some novelty going on, or perhaps both? A clever play on words!
RickiTarr · 22/05/2021 00:21

Odd.

WorraLiberty · 22/05/2021 00:23

Yes I think more odd than clever.

Sarahsteedman · 22/05/2021 00:35

I'm sorry to be blunt but wtf is wrong with you? You are asking if this man who you have described as a potential/likely pedophile, abuser of young women/girls who are vulnerable, has sex with a drink girl (so possible rapist), who isn't allowed near his children, pays for sex, is a creep? Anyone of any age will tell you that he is and that you need to get away as fast as you can and also write everything down that he has told you and give it to the police alongside his details so they can maybe look into him.

Get out while you still can and while you are going enough to make better choices which won't end up being a noose round your neck!

toocold54 · 22/05/2021 00:37

he asked me out i said no then he said ill be your sugar daddy..... he brought it on himself...

And you said yes? Even though he’s got no money? Confused

HalzTangz · 22/05/2021 00:50

@WorraLiberty

What do 'SW' and 'AW' mean?

I'm so confused and the overuse of the awfully degrading term 'baby mummy' isn't helping.

Sex worker, aw is escorts site
HalzTangz · 22/05/2021 01:03

So you don't think all three women might be perfectly sane non alcholic women? Doest it scream red flags that all three left him.
I think wife 2 was trying to leave with kids, he wouldn't let kids go, she came back same day with police.
He's has told you lie after lie.

Here's my question, have you called prince Andrew a paedo when news broke about the 17 year old he had sex with?

Your punter (let's not sugar coat this, he's a punter nothing more) is no better than prince Andrew.

He is picking teenagers.

He's a paedo

And you let him inside you?

TiddyTidTwo · 22/05/2021 01:15

Always look for the common denominator.

Him

Justilou1 · 22/05/2021 03:46

Can someone tell me what TDLW is pls?

Justilou1 · 22/05/2021 03:47

Whoops TDLR...

subbysammiexoxo · 22/05/2021 03:57

he's a crazy liar I am also 22 , had stillbirth/m/c situations with my ex this guy is crazy block immediately you are no different he is lying about his exes leave now.

1forAll74 · 22/05/2021 04:38

HE sounds like a creepy sex fiend, I cringe even reading about this. He is not a sugar daddy, in the general sense of saying, he sounds like he just uses vulnerable young women, for his own purposes., with money and drink etc.

Aspiringmatriarch · 22/05/2021 05:54

@Justilou1

Whoops TDLR...
TLDR = too long, didn't read. Basically 'here is the short version'.
NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 22/05/2021 06:44

He’s creepy, I didn’t need 45 years of experience to tell you that.

Stick to your boundaries and remember he isn’t a nice person, it’s transactional. Make sure you are always in control and nip any attempt to control you in the busy.

Start looking around for a better version.

3Britnee · 22/05/2021 07:05

@HalzTangz

So you don't think all three women might be perfectly sane non alcholic women? Doest it scream red flags that all three left him. I think wife 2 was trying to leave with kids, he wouldn't let kids go, she came back same day with police. He's has told you lie after lie.

Here's my question, have you called prince Andrew a paedo when news broke about the 17 year old he had sex with?

Your punter (let's not sugar coat this, he's a punter nothing more) is no better than prince Andrew.

He is picking teenagers.

He's a paedo

And you let him inside you?

A 40 odd year old man going with a17 yr old is unsavoury but it's not paedophilia.
Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 11:46

@toocold54

he asked me out i said no then he said ill be your sugar daddy..... he brought it on himself...

And you said yes? Even though he’s got no money? Confused

It is a bit like a comedy sketch isn't it 👀
Justilou1 · 22/05/2021 11:57

@Aspiringmatriarch - Thanks - might use that when I get texts from my kids! Grin

blackheartsgirl · 22/05/2021 12:07

Ewwww

I do think men in thier early to mid 20s dating 16 17 plus teenagers was generally more accepted 30 years ago or so.

Certainly in school it was and noone batted an eye lid really. I went out with a 19 year old when I was 14. My parents didn't bat an eye lid just gave him the talk etc.

Didn't last long though.

However. Your sugar daddy (ugh) seems to target teens and young women and it all seems so sleazy and yuk plus alcoholism and the lying.

Get rid. Seriously

Gucci1961 · 22/05/2021 12:12

This isn't what a sugar daddy arrangement could be.

I thought that they paid for your apartment and you went and got on with your own life. Maybe you could find a sugar daddy who'd pay your rent while you got a degree or a profession so that you had the power to earn your own money.

Miasicarisatia · 22/05/2021 12:16

I do think this man is behaving more like he's part of a grooming gang than a sugar daddy,

Sn0tnose · 22/05/2021 12:22

it just seems like a few are acting like " well thats what comes with being a sex worker, why do you find it creepy, youre a sex worker, you cant complain comes with the job " they're right but I can still comment that a client who wants me to pretend to be a 13 year old girl is creepy right? I don’t necessarily think that’s what all of them meant. Of course you’re entitled to think that clients are creepy. But just by virtue of using a sex worker, they are creepy. They might hide it really well and appear as a lovely decent man to their loved ones, but deep down, they are a creepy fucker. Decent men don’t use sex workers.

if lalalaletmeexplain uses it and other feminists/women who as generally seen as "pionners" of empowering women do, whats wrong with me using it? it's not meant offensively. There are different waves of feminism and not all of them place women at the centre. If someone reduces a woman to her worth only being in terms of whether or not they’ve provided a child, they are most definitely NOT a pioneer of feminism.

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