Long novel post - AIBU to think he’s creepy/potentially abusive etc

[aibusugardaddy]

Sorry that this will be so long ( TLDR; Too Long Didnt read will be at bottom) ...

I'm not a mum, i'm 22 ( nearly was going to be a mum last year but thats a different story...), I don't know any women between 40-50 RL to ask, preferring answers from this age range although anyone can answer yabu or yanbu..

So i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51 ( free to have an opinion, but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question)

i've been seeing him for a year, not a well off sugar daddy, he’s bought me a cheap car though, don’t care much that’s he’s not well off since I only do SW on/off now+last year covid slow business...

Last year he said he's had trouble on dating sites after saying hes got 3 baby mums and 4 kids.... anyway he explained the situation regarding his babymums/kids to me...

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance...

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day.

The third baby mum story raised my suspicions of something seeming off ....

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“
...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years....then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk, then he met me.

As I said I don’t know women RL who are between 40-50 to ask, but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners and/or he’s not emotionally mature for his age/basically has a younger mindset....
and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down....

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy....but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds...and maybe i’m thinking too harshly, maybe he isn’t potentially abusive etc... maybe he has been unlucky? that’s why I prefer answers off women 40-50yos as he’s 51 and dated these teens 20-30 years ago

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though)

So...mumsnet aibu or not?

Of course he is a pervert interested in young girls. I would bet my life on him having a temper which you may have never seen, YET!

Run

@Couldhavebeenme2

TLDR: Run like fuck.

👏👏👏👏 😂😂

Perfectly put.

(And 'baby mum' 🤮 seriously??)

He doesn't sound worth hanging around to find out if he's an awful personality or deliberately seeking out inexperienced women.

I’m assuming he’s not paid to help support his children? I would also guess that the young women involved would have a very different version of the crazy/alcoholic/moonlight flit stories.

It was not normal 30 years ago for middle age men to date/impregnate what were essentially children, then walk away.

You sound like a quite clued up young lady, surely you can see that if you carry on then the likelihood is that you’ll be crazy/alcoholic/whatever babymummy #4. My daughter is a year younger than you, if this guy was sniffing round her I think her two six foot brothers would be making it clear that he should move along.

He’s a complete creep for so, so many reasons. Decent men don’t use sex workers, but I’ll just concentrate on your post.

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much. Bollocks. Any man who describes their ex as crazy should set off alarm bells in your head. And no parent who wants to have a relationship with their daughter doesn’t contact them much because he doesn’t want to bother them.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance... He didn’t even try, did he?

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day How many women would sneak out in the middle of the night leaving no clue as to where they’d gone unless they didn’t feel safe?

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“. Children. The mothers of his children were still children themselves when he met them.

...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years.... So the power balance was in his favour?

then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk That doesn’t sound at all predatory, does it?

then he met me who he pays to do what he wants.

but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners He targets teenagers or women who are ill, or drunk or vulnerable. I’d say he’s very talented at targeting females he can control.

and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down.... I don’t think you’re asking the right men. Their answer should be because they are children, or so vulnerable that they aren’t in a position to be making sound decisions or identifying predatory men.

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy.... It IS off and creepy. Your instincts are screaming at you. Listen to them!

but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds... It happened, but it definitely wasn’t normal. It was just as creepy then as it is now.

maybe he has been unlucky? I’d say it was the women who have dealt with him who have been the unlucky ones.

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though) If you start dating him, I promise you, you will live to regret it.

This man is a waste of space. Isn't it a coincidence that the first two women were 'alcoholics'. The third one probably woke up one morning realised what a shit show she'd got herself into and legged it as fast as she could.
It wasn't frowned on that a 16/17 year old was with an older man but that still doesn't make it ok. My advice to you...run as fast and as far away from this man as you can.

He’s pervy AF!

OP....what do your friends and family think of him?

Tbh, the more I think of your story, the creepier and seedier he sounds. I don't mean to offend you, but the more I think of it the more it sounds like the relationship someone would have with a pimp.

Does he misuse alcohol or drugs?

What is the plan OP? To be be ‘baby mum’ #4?

You sleep with a man twice your age in exchange for gifts and you say you’d prefer to stick to arrangement. He’s talking BS about you being the one and your wondering if there is any truth in what he’s saying, despite you catching him in a lie on more than one occasion. Given his ‘baby mothering’ track record, I’d say probably not.

Raise your standards.

Oh forgot to add, I bet he was violent to his exes.

There's just such a power imbalance here

He met these women when they were 16/17? So he groomed them, essentially. He's the common denominator among his 'crazy' exes who were clearly much younger and vulnerable. Honestly he sounds so gross OP. I'd suggest you have nothing more to do with him.

He's a grim, creepy, sleazebag. He picks young, vulnerable women. This was never 'normal' or 'acceptable'.

I have daughters your age and I would be concerned if you were seeing a man like this in any capacity. Any 51 year old man trying to date young women your age is pathetic, frankly.

When I was 17 I dated a 27 yr old. I'm in my 40's now. He was an abusive creep. Every girl after me was a bit younger each time. He had 3 kids in the end with 3 diff women by the time he was 40. I think he needed younger women who did not know how a man should actually behave in a relationship, someone who was naive and easy to gaslight. I learned my lesson but watching the shit show unfold over the next 15 years was a constant reminder that I knew my own self worth even then.

Trust your instincts here. TRUST THEM.

btw I’m 36 and even back then it was creepy for older blokes to date 16/17 yos.

Oh and to add in I’m sort of seeing a bloke who is 49 and he doesn’t behave like this at all. It’s not ‘normal’.

Men who pay for sex are creeps. So it should not be a surprise he is a dick when it comes to other relationships. He deserves to be rinsed. And if that is what you are after in a relationship, you deserve to meet creeps.

How naive am I- I thought SW meant "Slimming World"

He deserves to be rinsed
yer but he dont got any money....

I thought he was a creep as soon as you used the term sugar daddy tbh, I don’t think a sugar daddy can not be a creep. The whole idea is an older guy pays a much younger woman to go out with him, right? He might not pay you a salary but he buys you things, takes you out to expensive places etc. Of course he’s a creep, he’s a man in his fifties with a thing for women in their early 20s.

The ‘baby momma’ issue is neither here nor there. I know someone who has 3 kids to 3 Mum’s but he’s a really nice guy and good Dad too. The guy you’re seeing has made endless excuses up as to why he doesn’t see his children, it’s probably absolute bollocks (usually is).

@Havisham so did I .

So this guy is trying to talk you into providing your usual paid labour (ie: sex services) to him for free? Would you work anywhere else for a wage and then at their suggestion start working there for free?

Whether we think sex work is right or wrong this joker is taking the piss. He also has a history of targeting vulnerable young women, so run is my advice, run far and fast.

More red flags than the UN!

I was reading about Fred West yesterday and this story reminded me of him somehow. Hopefully he isn’t a serial killer but something unhealthy is going on. He seems to like young, vulnerable women.... If a man says all his exes are crazy/alcoholics etc then you need to look at the common denominator and wonder if being with him made them that way!

A novel post, you say?

Oh, blimey, I missed the SW bit. Sex work? And you're wondering if he is creepy or sad?

Love, all men that pay for sex are creepy and sad. It's not "Pretty Woman" and you're not going to meet Richard Gere.

(And even then, he was fucking sleazy in that)

30 somethings who shag 16/17 year olds are predatory and enjoy having sex with people who are just legal when it comes to sex but still not legally adults. In other words, they are gross.

He has only had relationships with vulnerable women, whether due to their age, mental state, addictions or a combination.

When you say 'his ex was an alcoholic' what you mean is 'he says his ex was an alcoholic'. You only know what he's told you.

And what he's told you is enough that I don't know how he doesn't make your skin absolutely crawl.

Decent adult men do not shag 16/17 year old girls.