Long novel post - AIBU to think he’s creepy/potentially abusive etc

[aibusugardaddy]

Sorry that this will be so long ( TLDR; Too Long Didnt read will be at bottom) ...

I'm not a mum, i'm 22 ( nearly was going to be a mum last year but thats a different story...), I don't know any women between 40-50 RL to ask, preferring answers from this age range although anyone can answer yabu or yanbu..

So i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51 ( free to have an opinion, but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question)

i've been seeing him for a year, not a well off sugar daddy, he’s bought me a cheap car though, don’t care much that’s he’s not well off since I only do SW on/off now+last year covid slow business...

Last year he said he's had trouble on dating sites after saying hes got 3 baby mums and 4 kids.... anyway he explained the situation regarding his babymums/kids to me...

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance...

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day.

The third baby mum story raised my suspicions of something seeming off ....

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“
...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years....then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk, then he met me.

As I said I don’t know women RL who are between 40-50 to ask, but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners and/or he’s not emotionally mature for his age/basically has a younger mindset....
and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down....

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy....but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds...and maybe i’m thinking too harshly, maybe he isn’t potentially abusive etc... maybe he has been unlucky? that’s why I prefer answers off women 40-50yos as he’s 51 and dated these teens 20-30 years ago

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though)

So...mumsnet aibu or not?

So basically you're saying this bloke who. if you remove murderers, rapists, armed robbers and paedophiles from the equation, is at the bottom of the pile of men any woman should go near, fancies you but you don't know whether to go out with him? Is that the question?

He hasn't got enough money for you to be bothered with all his lies and bullshit tbh.
If you want a sugar daddy get one with low baggage and a very good job, there are plenty out there.
I'm 60 btw.

He prefers relationships with the power balance tipped strongly in his favour. He goes for women/girls who are vulnerable, not just by their age but by other factors, and he maximises their vulnerability by getting them pregnant. And this is just based on what he's told you. It would turn my stomach to have any sexual activity with him.

Run!!! I had a similar set up when I was 19 and it didn't end well. So many red flags!

Jesus wept why would you want to be with someone like this? You’re 22 with your life ahead of you. Get rid of this loser, get rid of sex work and sugar daddy stuff. On this guy specifically there are red flags all over the place

Children by 3 women who were VERY young with bug age gaps
“Crazy” or “alcoholic” exes oh aye always them not him
His Children kept away from him
Can’t keep his dick in pants, looking for sex wherever he can find it.

you're asking us if his past is evidence that he's a creep
you are barking up the wrong tree, any man who thinks it's OK to use sex workers is a creep.
Are you asking us for advice on how to screen your clients?
What about the safe-forum? (not sure if it's ok to link on here?)

He's not a sugar daddy he's a loser and a creep.

You can find an actual sugar daddy with a good job and without the 1000 red flags and enjoy the arrangement

not sure what you’re asking exactly. Yes he sounds like a creep but are you unsure what to do? I’m not going to say you are wrong to enter into a sugar daddy arrangement but surely this is par the course? Older men who want to ‘buy’ a much younger woman? If you’re not happy with putting up with his personality in exchange for the sugar daddy aspects then end the arrangement. Or are you potentially interested in something outside of that arrangement with him?

he's a wannabe sugar daddy
the whole point of the sugar daddy is that the money anesthetizes you to the fact of having to shag an elderly man
dont let this revolting person treat you like a mug

then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk
he targeted an intoxicated girl young enough to be his daughter
uurgghh
poor girl:(

If you choose to work as a prostitute - even with only one client, and your preference for term "sugar daddy" - you're bound to encounter creeps.
You refer to his previous partners as "Baby mums" ? - sounds like you deserve each other TBH.

Why would you want a sugar daddy that can't afford to buy you things? Surely, the whole point of one is he gives you money, gifts etc in exchange for sex?

I really think you need help OP. Thos os not a normal situation to be in.

You sound very vulnerable and lonely and you are so young.

Your life should not be like this.

Get shot of this absolute fucking loser. He sounds an odious, creepy, immature, arsehole.

And I would not believe a word he has said about the women in his past relationship.

Run for the hills and never look back.

Also read some self help books.

I know the sort of man you mean. Not a paedo, technically, but a creep. Not much to offer, and much easier to walk away from now before you discover any more undesirable sides to his personality.

I dated a 42 year old when I was 20 on and off for a year or so. It wasn't for the money, though I liked that he wanted to do more grown up things than guys my age and could afford to.

I was living with my parents at the time and he tried to put me up in an apartment rent free to which I said no. He didn't like that, and I think he wanted the control that would bring.

He treated me like shit and made my life difficult for a while after I dumped him.

Whilst I didn't think much of the age difference at the time, I now think ewwwww, particularly as I am now a little older than he was when I dated him. I can't imagine at my age what I'd see in a 20 year old. I think I was a mature 20 and he was an immature 42, but even so.

If SW and sugar daddies are your thing, fair enough but don't forget your worth and if it's not working out there are always other options. Always.

Hang on, OP, this guy is a client of yours, as far as I understand it's essentially prostitution, but you have a longer-term/semi-regular arrangement, and he buys you other things as well as paying you for sex so what exactly are you asking?

He wants to stop paying you for sex and actually go out with you in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, and as evidence of his seriousness about this, he's claimed to no longer be on bought sex sites (but is lying), and has told you that every woman he has ever had anything to do with was crazy or alcoholic, and you want to know if going out with him for free is a good idea?

He has demonstrated he’s not capable of having relationships of equals with any women in his life. He is not, therefore, a relationship prospect for anyone with an ounce of self respect. He is clearly lying about his relationship history - isn’t it more likely that he has been the dysfunctional one in all those relationships? Children aren’t left with crazy, alcoholic mothers if there is an acceptable, responsible father available for them. You might be young, but you don’t have to be stupid. Step back and examine this situation as if you were watching your sister or best friend in your place.

He is willing to pay you for sex, in another relationship with an evident power imbalance. He is a massive creep. For God’s sake, don’t get any more involved with him and definitely don’t give him another child he can walk away from.

I’m 50, have had a varied life and a lot of experience, and know lots of people of my generation and older. I have never known a man who behaved anything like this. Any man who exploited a much younger woman by paying her for sex would be run out of any of my friendship groups by everyone I know.

The internet might tell you that having a sugar daddy is a perfectly acceptable and ordinary way to support yourself but it’s really really not. Don’t kid yourself that you’re the one exploiting him (I’ve seen all the arguments): he is buying you with the car and the meals and the money as surely as any other exploited girl selling sex on a street corner. You deserve better in life. Don’t let him, or anyone else, convince you otherwise.

He's gross.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>

You can do better. Do better.

OMG I just realised that guy I dated is now 67

How old will your guy be when you are my age (44)? 😜

God good, don't
Earn your own £, then you don't owe anyone anything and you'll have self respect.

You are normalising the use of toxic terminology, and trying to normalise unhealthy behaviours as "just what people do these days."

This man DOES NOT HAVE THREE "BABY MUMS"

He has 4 children by 3 young women he took advantage of as teenagers and probably groomed.

He also isn't a "sugar daddy" as he doesn't have the income.

So basically he is a pervert who enjoys finding vulnerable young women he can coerce into dependency.

You need to reset your thinking entirely.

Sounds to me like he deliberately chooses young and vulnerable women

He's done it several times now in the past. And now he has you

He has no relationship with any of his 4 kids?

Trust your gut on this. I think it's telling you something

Please tell me you're using contraception? If not as soon as you get pregnant and/or have s baby he'll be onto the next one telling his next victim you are a crazy alcoholic.

Just remember there are 33 sides to every story. I bet you anything his exes will tell a different story.

I'm not a mum, but I'm old enough to be yours. If you were my daughter, I'd be so concerned for you in this relationship. You're young, you don't need a sugar daddy, go out and get a career and support yourself and find a decent man who loves you and treats you well. It ain't this man, he sounds awful and will only make you unhappy.

33 sides? I mean 2 of course.

A sugar daddy needs to have money, you appear to have got a creep with no money

Ugh. Just vile. Ditch the creep, work on your self-esteem and find someone worthy of your time and interest.