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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Long novel post - AIBU to think he’s creepy/potentially abusive etc

165 replies

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 17:24

Sorry that this will be so long ( TLDR; Too Long Didnt read will be at bottom) ...

I'm not a mum, i'm 22 ( nearly was going to be a mum last year but thats a different story...), I don't know any women between 40-50 RL to ask, preferring answers from this age range although anyone can answer yabu or yanbu..

So i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51 ( free to have an opinion, but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question)

i've been seeing him for a year, not a well off sugar daddy, he’s bought me a cheap car though, don’t care much that’s he’s not well off since I only do SW on/off now+last year covid slow business...

Last year he said he's had trouble on dating sites after saying hes got 3 baby mums and 4 kids.... anyway he explained the situation regarding his babymums/kids to me...

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance...

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day.

The third baby mum story raised my suspicions of something seeming off ....

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“
...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years....then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk, then he met me.

As I said I don’t know women RL who are between 40-50 to ask, but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners and/or he’s not emotionally mature for his age/basically has a younger mindset....
and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down....

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy....but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds...and maybe i’m thinking too harshly, maybe he isn’t potentially abusive etc... maybe he has been unlucky? that’s why I prefer answers off women 40-50yos as he’s 51 and dated these teens 20-30 years ago

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though)

So...mumsnet aibu or not?

OP posts:
FlyingPandas · 21/05/2021 21:21

I am 49, OP and so is my DH.

We would both say that this man is a pathetic, abusive creep.

  1. No truly decent man employs the services of a sex worker.
  2. No truly decent man in his 40s or 50s would date very young girls in their teens or twenties.
  3. No truly decent man fathers children by three different women.

They just don't.

My hunch, as a woman in the age bracket you've asked about, is that possibly the men you are asking the opinions of are similar to this man. So they probably also use sex workers, and are also of the creepy and abusive persuasion?

And so they will be normalising the behaviour of this man because it's the sort of thing they'd do themselves.

He's not unlucky, he's just a pathetic creep.

Any man who has sex for money and targets very young girls is a creep.

Having sex for money is your choice, of course, but you will not meet a decent life partner from any of your clients.

I really hope you can find some real-life help to 'reset your bar' and find some self worth.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 21:42

If the men you've spoken to don't think he is a creep, they are creeps too.

Seriously.

FuckyouCovid21 · 21/05/2021 21:48

Lol. Nah

CSIblonde · 21/05/2021 21:51

He likes much younger women because he's controlling & they often have Daddy issues & are easier to manipulate & exploit. 3 women previously got wise. The bi polar sexually assaulted girl sounds a perfect victim for someone like him. I'd run & not look back.

trunumber · 21/05/2021 21:56

Yep, the men who say he isn't a creep are also creeps. But I suspect maybe you know this on some level which is why you won't tell us how you know them.

Love, I'm so sad for you. It sounds like you've no strong, honest, healthy role model in your life. When people are commenting on you being a sex worker they're not saying you don't have a right to find someone creepy, they're saying the majority of people who are willing to pay someone to have sex with them (because truthfully, sex work is never someone preferred choice is it? You're there because something has happened that's stuck you there, not because it's what you always dreamed of) People who pay for sex, they're not really thinking of the person they pay, they're inherently selfish - hence the likelihood of a. Lot of creeps.

But this guy is a mega creep, by which I mean I guarantee he's abusive. Get out ASAP. He doesn't want to be your partner, he just wants to have to stop paying you. He thinks you are vulnerable- don't let him be right.

Oh, and I would stick around here .. us MN vipers will teach you that you deserve better than this. We can teach you what you are worth and show you the red flags. If you have no one else to teach you these things, we can.

You deserve better. He's a creep.

Fyredraca · 21/05/2021 22:02

Aren't all men who pay for sex creepy?

ChewtonRoad · 21/05/2021 22:03

i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51
He's not a sugar daddy, he's a monster who preys on vulnerable women.

You are 22. First, please do not consider becoming pregnant in the short term until you sort yourself out, and by no means should you let this dreadful excuse for a man impregnate you.

TLDR: you can do better. You have your life ahead of you with no need to rely on sex work, but you must want to make the changes and effort required to sort yourself out.

Get rid of him as he will poison everything he goes near.

PuntasticUsername · 21/05/2021 22:03

Christ, love, run a mile. Don't waste any more of the best years of your life with this absolute...unsent text of a man.

3Britnee · 21/05/2021 22:05

What a load of bollocks creepiness Confused

ghostyslovesheets · 21/05/2021 22:06

I’m stunned

Changechangychange · 21/05/2021 22:11

You’re with a sugar daddy and your concern is that he likes younger women? Isn’t that the definition of a sugar daddy?

What did you expect a sugar daddy to be like? Of course it’s creepy, that’s why he is having to pay you to put up with it Confused

RAOK · 21/05/2021 22:26

He’s not a sugar daddy, he’s just an ordinary punter. He sounds awful and I would refuse to have him as a client any longer if I were you.

DaphneDuBois · 21/05/2021 22:58

He sounds absolutely terrible OP. The common denominator in all of this mess is him. No point in him blaming various women for having issues when he was irresponsible enough to get all of them pregnant. I’m not even sure I’d believe the tales about them. All of them were things such as crazy / alcoholic / disappeared / ran off / involved police. And he’s the good guy that ignores his daughter as he ‘doesn’t want to bother her’?

Run.

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:13

Right i've quoted to single replies, but I'll just @ back on here ( or make another separate blanket @ back posts if my reply here is too long for Mumsnet... ) I'm not sure if I'll be answering any more hopefully what I answer in this thread is enough... gonna be long answers again but can't help it.

@FindYourPorpoise

I understand but when i'm asking men his age irl and they're basically fobbing off the idea that he's not creepy then it make me think maybe it's just me.... needed women's perspective...

@Couldhavebeenme2 lol

@AccountCreateUsername I put the TLDR in the comments by accident, was typing on phone.

@Badtasteflump already answered...

@Wearywithteens Yep life has been shit, looking a bit better though. And no, sadly it's real. The requests, fetishes, the things that happen on Adultwork, you never know what's f* coming next.

@WorraLiberty SW= Sex Worker/Sex Work AW= Adultwork.

@RickiTarr i've gotten creeps before, I was doubting my judgement because the men his age ive vented to irl don't think he's creepy just immature/bad luck/stupid to settle down with someone so young.... And your other question.... I got into SW because I wasn't holding any jobs down.... so SW was my main income but i still looked for a job but when I entered it I was still living at home so wasnt paying bills as such... but I never did it full time, it was still kinda off/on now it's just completly off/on just the good paying clients really or domming. i'm still studying and I work part time at a tutition centre ( like kumon).

@merryhouse i've encounted creeps before in sw nothing new...... but actually I have met nice guys and had a bf while doing this ( also had a ex client turned bf who was kind of my age who was a twat but different story...)

@ChaToilLeam @AnyFucker @MrsTulipTattsyrup @Mamamamasaurus @flaminjono @AFS1 @Penistoe @3scape @HostessTrolley no disagreements.

@Anonymous48 thanks for validation.

@Miasicarisatia he makes around 50k a year, not poor but just not going to be paying me £2k a month + hermes bag. i've answered your other question but to answer your other two questions.. wasn't trying to be offensive with baby mum, not all but i guess generally that's how people my age speak? it's not meant to degrade anyone. He calls them by their name tbh. And yes validation.... because asking/venting to men his age irl which i havent met through sw don't think he's creepy at all ....... needed to make sure I wasn't a bitch for thinking this man is a creepy b**

@Miasicarisatia and no I don't need help with screening, I know about ugly mugs and the rest, back in hey day I had a good driver, I check reviews, I put live location on whatsapp to a few friends and tell them address etc, I tell clients in anice way, my drivers outside/ my friends just want to send live location... when he said the 3rd ran away, I immediatly throught guys abusive, he seems ok but could turn, where he lives and where he drives me it's so quiet he could bury me if he wanted to and no one would find out so I now tell him to come near me in a city... he was fine with that.

@nimbuscloud lol

@HollowTalk maybe the post is too long and TLDR is also a bit long and not clear but basically i've vented irl to men his age ( 40-50) and they literally said " oh if the third one ran away then either he's not emotionally his age or he's bad at choosing partners " and " he's stupid, 16/17 year olds want to party not settle down " I was gobsmacked as the response.... but then started thinking maybe it is me....... maybe things were that different years back...needed opinion from women to clarify ...

@Namechangeforthis88 agreed..... tbh he keeps pushing for a relationship and i'm like nope ......... it's made him back off a bit from me oh well... but still paying car insurance and repairs for me...

@Bambini12 how did you get out of it?

@PriestessofPing I don't believe being a sex worker or sugar baby means putting up with everything, yes creeps timewasters etc will bound to come knocking but still... and no that's not my question.. maybe the post is too long and TLDR is also a bit long and not clear but basically i've vented irl to men his age ( 40-50) and they literally said " oh if the third one ran away then either he's not emotionally his age or he's bad at choosing partners " and " he's stupid, 16/17 year olds want to party not settle down " I was gobsmacked as the response.... but then started thinking maybe it is me....... maybe things were that different years back...needed opinion from women to clarify

@ThinWomansBrain I don't choose to work for just him and pretend it's sugaring not sex work............ that's not what I said.... I said he's kinda a sugar daddy, the only benefit is that he pays and given me a practice car and pays the insurance and repairs.... he pushed for relationship, i said no, so he asked if i can be his sugar baby, so no it's not proper sugaring but stil benefits.. I know i'm going to attract creeps but i've vented to men his age irl and they don't think he's creepy while I do I wanted opinions from women his age and in general too..

@ThinWomansBrain I didn't mean the term offensivly ... but really? I deverse to be with a creep because I used the wrong term? I didn't even use a slur ffs...

@TimetohittheroadJack @Streamside he makes 50k a year, not poor but not rich. I said he's kinda a sugar daddy, the only benefit is that he pays and given me a practice car and pays the insurance and repairs.... he pushed for relationship, i said no, so he asked if i can be his sugar baby, so no it's not proper sugaring but stil benefits.

@FrankButchersDickieBow thanks.

@TattyDevine it's not that it's not working out... men his age that ik irl don't think he's creepy, I do, wanted opinions from women his age ( basically wanted validation that i'm right that he's creepy af and i'm not losing my mind)

@BinocularVision nope, basically men ik in rl i've told them the situation and they don't think hes creepy just immature/unlucky and stupid for thinking the girls would settle down with them. I always thought creepy from 3rd girl running away and he doesn't know where she is to this day. I wanted validation that i'm not losing my marbles to think he's creepy really.... he wants a relationship I always say no clearly.

@Theworldisfullofgs life's hard when you can't hold down a job but still look for normal work while selling your body... btw I remember reading on MM years ago about a woman who told her husband to take her drunk friend home, he slept with the drunk friend, told her about it and said he's going to see her again and the woman agreed, she may not be a SW but I think she has less self respect than someone who profits off her body,no? for some reason from what I remember no one told here she didn't have self respect...

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit @EarringsandLipstick I wasn't trying to be offensive, I mean i'm pretty sure lalalalaletmeexplain uses the term baby mum aswell and i'm sure she's generally seen as a pioneer of empowering women...

@Spidey66 I use contraception. He pays and paid for my pratice car, and pays the isurance, i've already told him i'm not entering a relationship with a client again and it has to be an arrangement only... i can't hold down jobs the job i now have i hold down but it's a student type job that pays shit, I'm basically learning to drive with his pratice car so that I can get a job involving driving and then when i pass my test i'll nicely LBB.... friends think creepy, family doesn't know... as far as aware doesn't missue drugs or alochol.

@Sn0tnose @AgentJohnson hit the nail on the head really. lol he keeps trying but the answers no, he pays car, car insurance, repairs and pays me, as long as i pass my test..... i'm gone. ( i'm trying to pass my test to get a driving job as stable job/base i don't hold jobs down really). and to keep myself safe with him I use methods I use with new clients and I tell him to come near me and not his ( he lives in rural are i live in city), deffo no plan to be bb#4

@MadMadMadamMim @whatnow41 @Aspiringmatriarch @EveningOverRooftops @CPsRus @Havisham @RamsayBoltonsConscience @Justilou1 @Babygotblueyes fairs
@Dontbeme yeah he is, but I always say no.

@TooMuchAndNotEnough loooooool, for some people reading over three paragraphs on the net is a novel, at least everyone got a double warning that my post wasn't going to be near short though.

OP posts:
SpeedRunParent · 21/05/2021 23:20

He is utterly disgusting. I'm a woman in my 40's and I would be sickened by a man with that history. He is a serial manipulator of barely legal and vulnerable girls.

kistanbul · 21/05/2021 23:26

Almost every time someone says that something was ok 20-30 years ago, they are lying. I had to get pretty old before I realised that.

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:26

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Surely the point of sex work is to make money from it? What do you get out of this arrangement with this creepy inadequate old man? Personally I think having a relationship for money is terrible for the psyche but if one is going to do it one should at least make it worth one's while
quoting you as I can't seen to @ you.... he earns 50k a year I meant he's not well off as in he's not rich. He pays me, pays car, pays car insurance and repairs. he buys clothes occasionally too.

He begged for a relationship I said no and he said okay what about an arrangement. it's not proper sugaring but it helps. i don't hold jobs down ive finally holding a job but its shit pay studenty type pay, im studying....................... I want to be able to drive to have a stable job/base..... ( plus driving makes things easier and some jobs i couldnt get because i cant drive ik cars are expesnive but still )

OP posts:
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:37

Another long @ back thread

@youvegottenminuteslynn yeah I understand you, missue of words, I was repeating what he said. @Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel @Regularsizedrudy I don't hold jobs down. he makes 50k a yearnot poor but not going to be bringing me £2k a month and a hermes bag he brought me a banger car, pays me, pays insurance and repairs etc.... I want to be able to drive so ive got a stable job/base drivign makes things easier and certians jobs i couldnt get because no full license it isnt proper sugaring but it helps... i just occassionally escort like see good paying clients i.e £800 for a few hours £350 for two hours etc.....

@ufucoffee not meant offensively

@toocold54 he asked me out i said no then he said ill be your sugar daddy..... he brought it on himself...

@berryhead2013 @WeeMadArthur @LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 @pu@PurplePlain@Winter2020 @ yes&agreed
@DrCoconut - lol
@Namechange1067949 no just needed validation that he is actually creepy ive said ive spoken to guys his age irl about it and they don't midn him creepy i thought i must be mad...

OP posts:
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:47

@aibusugardaddy

Another long @ back thread

@youvegottenminuteslynn yeah I understand you, missue of words, I was repeating what he said. @Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel @Regularsizedrudy I don't hold jobs down. he makes 50k a yearnot poor but not going to be bringing me £2k a month and a hermes bag he brought me a banger car, pays me, pays insurance and repairs etc.... I want to be able to drive so ive got a stable job/base drivign makes things easier and certians jobs i couldnt get because no full license it isnt proper sugaring but it helps... i just occassionally escort like see good paying clients i.e £800 for a few hours £350 for two hours etc.....

@ufucoffee not meant offensively

@toocold54 he asked me out i said no then he said ill be your sugar daddy..... he brought it on himself...

@berryhead2013 @WeeMadArthur @LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 @pu**@PurplePlain@Winter2020 @ yes&agreed
@DrCoconut - lol
@Namechange1067949 no just needed validation that he is actually creepy ive said ive spoken to guys his age irl about it and they don't midn him creepy i thought i must be mad...

wasn't long but oh well staring another off this...

@FlyingPandas no they don't at least don't think so... but agreed

@fy*@Fyredraca@trunumber @Changechangychange* no, just i don't wanna out myself. no it's not anyone real first choice.... it just seems like a few are acting like " well thats what comes with being a sex worker, why do you find it creepy, youre a sex worker, you cant complain comes with the job " they're right but I can still comment that a client who wants me to pretend to be a 13 year old girl is creepy right?

@ChewtonRoad @PuntasticUsername @3Britnee @DaphneDuBois
@SpeedRunParent @kistanbul @ghostyslovesheets agreed/thanks.

@RAOK he earns 50k a year, so when I say hes not well off, just hes not going to give me £2k a month and hermes bag.... he pays me, pays car , car insurance, repairs, clothes etc.... i dont hold jobs down, trying to learn to drive with the car he brought me , i was shit at lessons but since having his car and learning his friend ive improved ( althought lockdowns don't help for muscle memory). honestly plan is to pass my test and ltb.

no plans on getting pregnant i use contaception everyone.

OP posts:
thebestnamehere · 21/05/2021 23:48

You lost me at Baby Mother. Horrible term of phrase

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:49

Sorry if I missed anyone out, i've answered all questions what are you getting out of it/what do you want us to say etc/why don't you leave/didn't you think it was going to be creepy this took hours to reply. I'm sorry for all the long posts but i've got my answer, and replied to questions, so answers are in my posts. I'm not going to be answering to any new ( unless I feel I really need to doubtful.)

@FuckyouCovid21 ok.

OP posts:
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:50

@HappyHappyHippocampus

Frankly, he sounds like a complete looser.
I agree. Best answer.
OP posts:
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:51

@thebestnamehere

You lost me at Baby Mother. Horrible term of phrase
if lalalaletmeexplain uses it and other feminists/women who as generally seen as "pionners" of empowering women do, whats wrong with me using it? it's not meant offensively.
OP posts:
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 23:55

Nothing else to add but he said the 2nd baby mum actually contacts him every few years occassionally but said he cant see the kids because the kids have severe speciall needs and they know their stepdad as dad, so meeting their real dad would be confusing to them.

3rd baby mum, he said the argument was basically she never wanted to stay in, partied every weekend and one night they argued because she brought two ugg boots when could only afford one next morning she vanished...... lol

nothing else to say i've answered everyone now and I think i've answered all the questions people had so...

Bye I guess and thanks for confirming I'm not BU for thinking he's creepy! Smile

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/05/2021 00:00

Will you stop with the 'baby mum' shit?

It's dismissive and demeaning.

These are the mothers of his children.

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