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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long novel post - AIBU to think he’s creepy/potentially abusive etc

165 replies

aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 17:24

Sorry that this will be so long ( TLDR; Too Long Didnt read will be at bottom) ...

I'm not a mum, i'm 22 ( nearly was going to be a mum last year but thats a different story...), I don't know any women between 40-50 RL to ask, preferring answers from this age range although anyone can answer yabu or yanbu..

So i've kinda got a sugar daddy, 51 ( free to have an opinion, but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question)

i've been seeing him for a year, not a well off sugar daddy, he’s bought me a cheap car though, don’t care much that’s he’s not well off since I only do SW on/off now+last year covid slow business...

Last year he said he's had trouble on dating sites after saying hes got 3 baby mums and 4 kids.... anyway he explained the situation regarding his babymums/kids to me...

His first baby mum was crazy and alocholic and it lasted five years, daughter warned up to him when she turned 18 but he only sees her once a year and only contacts occasionally because he doesn’t want to bother her much.

Second baby mum was alcoholic, left the twins with him and ran off, came back eventually but with police, demanding the kids come live with her...he said as law favours kids being with mum he didn’t have a chance...

Third baby mum..... wasn’t a alcoholic but one day he woke up and she was gone with their daughter, doesn’t know where they are to this day.

The third baby mum story raised my suspicions of something seeming off ....

Eventually ( this year)... he told me all his baby mums were 16/17 when he met them while he was between 24-38..... this was when I thought “ creep“
...after this he was a with a girl for 10 years he was 40 she was 20 but she was sexually assaulted when younger so she’s bipolar and suffered panic attacks constantly for the 10 years....then he had a one night stand with a 20 year old who was drunk, then he met me.

As I said I don’t know women RL who are between 40-50 to ask, but I do know men that age RL to ask ( not sex work related btw but can’t do into details as how i know these guys).... to my surprise they don’t think he’s creepy or a peado or whatever, they think maybe because of 3 baby mum he’s shit at choosing partners and/or he’s not emotionally mature for his age/basically has a younger mindset....
and that if they were him they wouldn’t have gotten with girls that young because girls that age want to go out and not settle down....

I can’t shake that I think somethings not right with him at all......to me it sounds off and creepy....but things maybe were different 20-30 years ago? maybe it was normal for 20-30 year olds to date 16/17 year olds...and maybe i’m thinking too harshly, maybe he isn’t potentially abusive etc... maybe he has been unlucky? that’s why I prefer answers off women 40-50yos as he’s 51 and dated these teens 20-30 years ago

He’s tried to date me seriously but i’ve been straight and said I want to stick to the arrangement... he seems okay generally, only other thing he keeps saying he’s stopped looking on AW etc bc of me, but i’ve found out he’s tried to see escorts recently ( I don’t care, still lying though)

So...mumsnet aibu or not?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/05/2021 19:28

@RickiTarr

You’re basically in a sex for money arrangement, so TBH, you’re going to get creeps, and he certainly fits the bill.
OP,

Christ he has enough history for 4 creeps.

He is no more relationship material.

Stay safe and protect yourself please.

Flowers
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/05/2021 19:29

You sound like you know what you're doing Hmm Btw, he's not a sugar daddy if he's broke. Get some self respect for goodness sake.

ufucoffee · 21/05/2021 19:32

Baby mums Confused

toocold54 · 21/05/2021 19:33

I think it’s creepy you admit you see him as a sugar daddy Envy (not envy)

HTH1 · 21/05/2021 19:34

Obviously he’s creepy but are you not a sex worker? (I take it that’s what SW means).

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 21/05/2021 19:38

This is every shade of wrong.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 21/05/2021 19:53

If he only chooses relationships with young women who have alcohol issues, it sounds like he gets off on their vulnerability.

Absolutely not father/partner material. Red flags all over the shop.

Please look after yourself, OP.

TheUndoingProject · 21/05/2021 19:55

Jesus, who cares about all the nonsense with his “baby mums” (although Christ he seems to find alcoholics left, right and centre). The fact he’s a so called sugar daddy paying you for sex is enough to know he’s an awful man.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 21/05/2021 19:59

Surely the point of sex work is to make money from it? What do you get out of this arrangement with this creepy inadequate old man?
Personally I think having a relationship for money is terrible for the psyche but if one is going to do it one should at least make it worth one's while

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 21/05/2021 19:59

@toocold54

I think it’s creepy you admit you see him as a sugar daddy Envy (not envy)
She's not the creepy part of that arrangement
Regularsizedrudy · 21/05/2021 20:11

Erm. The whole point of a sugar daddy is they are rich and can spoil you. You don’t have a sugar daddy you have a relationship with an old man.

DrCoconut · 21/05/2021 20:15

Ah the "crazy" and "alcoholic" exes. That old chestnut. If you look at all these failed relationships/arrangements he is the common factor. If you take up with him you are signing up to be his next ex. And then he'll be telling someone else how unstable you are etc, but probably not before causing you immense suffering. His history has more red flags than a Labour Party conference, run for the hills while you still can.

berryhead2013 · 21/05/2021 20:16

Always wondered what TLDR meant now I know

WeeMadArthur · 21/05/2021 20:16

Sounds like he likes to target vulnerable young women that maybe haven’t developed their boundaries enough.

elizabethdraper · 21/05/2021 20:21

Run, girl, run
Change your mobile number and address if possible
Tell everyone about him and never see him again

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 21/05/2021 20:26

He’s a stereotypical predator at best, a groomer of teenage girls at worst.

There is a type of man who goes for vulnerable women - those who are younger/naive/prone to mental health or addition problems. Easier to control and manipulate. He is 100% fitting that bill. By being a “sugar daddy” he’s looking to use his money to gain favours/control etc.

Run for the hills.

PurplePlain · 21/05/2021 20:27

I'm 51 and had boyfriends who were 10+ years older than me when I was younger. Even then I knew they were irresponsible for their age, looking back I realise how bad they were.

He's almost definitely creepy and is lying to you about his previous relationships. If I knew you, based on what you've written, I would be very concerned. You do deserve better.

Namechange1067949 · 21/05/2021 20:33

So you’re saying you’re hoping for emotionally immature, absent father at best?
But worried he may be abusive?

...what do you want us to say?
Quite obviously you should walk away

Winter2020 · 21/05/2021 20:40

Trigger warning - paedophilia

Sorry if this is a very dark comment
I would be seriously concerned that this man targets vulnerable young women to get them pregnant for access to children. He chooses women who he thinks might not be strong enough to protect their kids. Don't trust him for a second in any form.

Original poster
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 21:02

@Miasicarisatia

but I don't need judgements on this, if you do judge, best to not answer or only answer if you can separate judgement from my question you want us to judge this situation that you are involved in, ie a man who sets out to expoit young girls, but you dont want us to judge the sugar daddy set up? I'm confused, do you want us to accept that it's OK to be a sugar daddy as long as he's not one of the creepy ones?
I'll go through all responses... sorry for late replies I guess.

@Miasicarisatia
and @Annoymous48...

Sorry I wasn't very clear what I meant is..... I don't need anyone's judgements of me being a sugar baby/sex worker etc. People are free to have their opinion, but I don't want " well you're a slag, if you had self respect then you wouldn't be in this situation..." like people are free to think that but it's irrelevant to my question, so if that's all people can comment... there's no point of them commenting.... additionally though.... if people want to think that but can actually answer my question without their judgement of sex work clouding the judgement of their answer.... then i'm happy to read their answer......

people judgements of sugaring and sex work is irrelevant to the actual question, I think this guy is creepy basing from his dating background but ive spoken to men his age who just think he's emotionally immature and/or bad at picking women.... and that it's a bit silly to pick women those ages to settle down with... I know the world was different 20-30 so maybe aibu?

Hopefully i've made some sense here...

OP posts:
Original poster
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 21:07

@EdithSitwell

He’s a liar. The law wouldn’t favour an alcoholic mother who had abandoned her children.
Tbh I didn't think he was lying when he told me about the first two baby mums..... its only the third baby mum story I thought " yeah suspicious "... then again i've only had a miscarriage no kids so i'm not clued up how the law and custody works.... if he didn't tell me about the third one, I would have just though " shit didn't work out "

Your comment has shown me how naive I really am...

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 21:08

The world wasn't that different.

Raise your standards

Original poster
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 21:11

@Badtasteflump

He is 100% a creep and his behaviour would not have been 'normal however many years ago. Walk away and give some serious thought to why you set the bar so low.
Tbh i'm never really gone down the sugaring route but I guess I set the bar so low because it was covid time.......

And thanks for validating, the reason ive come on here because I always thought creepy af.... but men I know IRL his age are saying " oh he's bad at picking, he's probably immature, he was stupid to settle down with girls that age anyway they want to go out at that age " !!!!! So I kinda thought maybe it's just me, but I realised i''ve got men's views on the situation, I wanted perspective from women his age ( and women in general )

OP posts:
Original poster
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 21:16

@HTH1

Obviously he’s creepy but are you not a sex worker? (I take it that’s what SW means).
does sex work mean i'm not allowed to find clients creepy????

I've attracted creeps, for example men wanting to pretend i'm a 16 year old girl and all that ( never done it, it's legal to pretend I think but that's gross ).... it's not that i'm surprised of creeps... I literally vented to men his age irl ( and i didn't meet them through sex work either but I can't out myself as to how I know them ) and the men don't seem to think he's creepy at all, that shocked me, so yes I wanted validation from women and to make sure it's not just me being a cow...

OP posts:
Original poster
aibusugardaddy · 21/05/2021 21:18

@Nanny0gg

The world wasn't that different.

Raise your standards

it seems that way from speaking to men his age irl!!! I wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy in thinking he's a creep
OP posts:
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