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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I ungrateful?

150 replies

123mnb · 21/05/2021 14:39

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 21/05/2021 14:41

Well obviously he is a male chauvinist pig but I am guessing you knew that a few dc ago...
No dig about the number of dc ad I have more than 7..
Hire a cleaner etc. It isn't his right to say you can't.

ncgy · 21/05/2021 14:45

Of course you are not unreasonable. Grrr it annoys me that you would even think that.

You can't have a wonderful life because he's making all the decisions.

Sportysporty · 21/05/2021 14:45

5 children and its just dawned on you what life would be like?

MilduraS · 21/05/2021 14:46

If that's your job, when do you get holiday? Every other job comes with holidays and regular breaks. It's not fair to put all the work on you 24/7.

CursedEngagement · 21/05/2021 14:46

You won't get any response here other than that men are evil, it's the only response Mumsnet is capable of.
You're at a tough stage but it will get easier as your children get older and them having a good education and a solid home will be worth the hard work that you're putting in now. If you went back to work full-time then could you earn enough to cover childcare and a cleaner? What options do you have for getting out of the house with the kids - it's much nicer and easier a lot of the time if you go out somewhere that's enjoyable for you all rather than feeling trapped inside. Is your eldest able to help with some chores? Not big stuff but just giving you a bit of company with washing up etc. What could be done to make your life more efficient?
Good luck with everything.

Original poster

123mnb · 21/05/2021 14:46

My youngest are twins and my next child up has just been diagnosed with special needs. I have been with my husband since I was 16 and I'm very early 30's now. I don't know if he has always been like this I've never complained before but everything has just become so suffocating.

OP posts:

ncgy · 21/05/2021 14:47

You won't get any response here other than that men are evil, it's the only response Mumsnet is capable of.

Er her DH sounds like a selfish dick.

ViciousJackdaw · 21/05/2021 14:49

Do make sure that you are on the most effective contraception that's suitable for you - you'd be a fool to bring any more DC into this.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 21/05/2021 14:49

You need to lower your standards.
What age are the children?
Are some at school?

ncgy · 21/05/2021 14:50

You're at a tough stage but it will get easier as your children get older and them having a good education and a solid home will be worth the hard work that you're putting in now.

It won't get easier if the DH continues to do absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all & carries on thinking the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day.

ThatIsMyPotato · 21/05/2021 14:53

Did he want children? Seems odd for him to have nothing to do with them at all when he's back but maybe that's just from an outsider's view.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/05/2021 14:53

@CursedEngagement - a "solid home" is one where childcare and all household duties are solely the responsibility of the mother? A home where the mother is very clearly unhappy with the way she is treated?

I would call that a very poor and unhappy environment for children.

Original poster

123mnb · 21/05/2021 14:55

My children are 7,5,3 and 10 months. My oldest are in school and my 3 year old goes to a special needs play school for 3 hours 1 day a week. I can't tell anyone in real life how I feel because everyone tells me that I'm doing such a wonderful job and would feel like I'm letting everyone down.

OP posts:

CursedEngagement · 21/05/2021 14:55

[quote FFSFFSFFS]@CursedEngagement - a "solid home" is one where childcare and all household duties are solely the responsibility of the mother? A home where the mother is very clearly unhappy with the way she is treated?

I would call that a very poor and unhappy environment for children.[/quote]
Did I say that? Or do you need to invent things in order to tell me I'm wrong?

ncgy · 21/05/2021 14:57

But everything is the OPs responsibility & she's not happy.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 21/05/2021 15:03

Hire a cleaner... ignore your husband and hire a cleaner!

2ndtimemum2 · 21/05/2021 15:06

Op are you a sahm by choice? Your husband sounds like he dictates everything. Could you get part time job so he would no longer have to work away and he would then involve himself in the childcare. You don't sound ungrateful it sounds like a miserable situation for you where every decision is made without having your needs in mind

anuvamotherhood · 21/05/2021 15:10

Oh god ingore him and hire some help or put the youngest in nursery one day a week. You're not bloody super mum.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 15:14

Does he ever have all of the children on his own? And if he does, does he also cook and clean and play with them in that time? He has no bloody idea, does he?

Is it possible for your 3 year old to go to nursery more often?

If you can afford a cleaner, I really can't understand why your husband wouldn't allow this. It's really cruel of him to expect you to cope on your own.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 15:15

If you really want to stay with this man and can't stand up to him, then I'd get cashback with shopping, pay for a cleaner in cash and tell the children that she's a friend who helps you (in case they snitch on you.)

WilyKitWilyKat · 21/05/2021 15:15

He says you can’t hire any help??!

Fuck him, get a cleaner. You don’t need his consent!

Original poster

123mnb · 21/05/2021 15:18

I don't want to be a SAHM but my husband doesn't want to put the children into childcare because it's my job to raise them and he said if I did he would quit his job and look after the children and I would have to get a job that brings in as much money as his. We both know I could never do that as I'm not very well educated and left school at the beginning of year 11 to get married. I've always wanted to go to college to better myself but can't.

OP posts:

Original poster

123mnb · 21/05/2021 15:19

I can't just hire a cleaner without his permission because I don't have access to the main bank accounts.

OP posts:

FFSFFSFFS · 21/05/2021 15:20

Call his bluff. Enrol yourself in college, get a part-time job, hire a cleaner and put them in child care.

Sunbird24 · 21/05/2021 15:21

If it was your job you’d at least get set hours off every day and days off every year. Do you even get to have a hobby or go out to do anything without the kids?

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