Am I ungrateful?

[123mnb]

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

I feel very sad reading this-you are most definitely not being ungrateful, and don't feel guilty for 'complaining'. You're life sounds very difficult and I can understand why you feel trapped because your husband is trapping you in every way. I would seek the advice of women's aid xxx

I've lived like this for so long I'm not sure if this is normal or not it's just I feel so suffocating with everything I've tried talking to him but just tells me I'm ungrateful and that even if he builds me a castle it's not good enough. He is older than me for who asked.

I do get money from him but have to ask he doesn't say no normally but always asked what's it for.

So you left school at the age of 15 to get married to an older man. Where were your parents?

You're now early thirties so had your first child at around 25? What did you do for the first 10 years of your relationship?

Yes he is abusive.

He doesnt want to give you any help because he doesnt want you doing nothing all day? As others have said, looking after that number of kids, including one with senior and twins, is a full time job. It's insane to expect you to do all the housework etc on top of this and its cruel to never let you have time off. What would happen if you just walked out the house and left him to it? Are you scared of his reaction?

He can't have it both ways, saying looking after kids is easy, but then refuse to do it because he needs a break from work.

Not allowing you access to family finances and you not being allowed to spend 20 quid a week on something that benefits the whole family is pretty much the definition of financial abuse.

It sounds like you have no say in family decisions even when they affect you the most and that's not right.

I would also speak to womans aid. It sounds like he has ground your spirit down so much that you have a skewed sense of what's normal. Why on earth would anyone be grateful for being treated like an unpaid servant with no rights or holidays?

How old (roughly if you don't want to be exact) was he when you were 15/16 and got together? Where were you parents in all this?

It sounds like there's always been a huge disparity in the power dynamic and if he's a fair bit older, he's taken advantage of the fact you were so young when you got together that you don't know any different so he can tell you you're unreasonable.

He's an abuser.

I appreciate that culture is often at the basis of these situations, but I really don’t understand how it gets to this. You had two children, then one with special needs, a husband who works away, most likely in a demanding and stressful job if he earns good money. He didn’t help then, so what would drive you to agree to have one more child (which ended up being two) when what you want is to go back to work?

Raising 5 children under the age of 7, with a husband under pressure to support his family solely, and you looking after 5 children, with one with special needs was always going to be very difficult especially in the first years, and 4 would have not been that different.

It’s not a case of putting blame on anyone, it’s facing the inevitable difficult outcome of choices you made.

It was a arranged marriage my family are poorer than his and my mum is divorced and that's shameful in his culture so I was lucky that I was pretty that's why he married me. His family and himself told he that. My family love him and think he is wonderful that he provides such a wonderful lifestyle.

I was 16 but I have a September birthday so still school.

Ah well this makes much more sense, I was going to ask if there anything cultural.

But this doesn't mean his behaviour is ok! You still have options.

@vivainsomnia I would imagine that OP had very little choice in reality

If there are no money concerns I can't see why you can't get a little help, a cleaner and I'd imagine help with the laundry would be great too. I'd talk to him again with some reasonable prices you've found, he might be thinking it would cost loads and it wouldn't have to cost much for a couple of hours a week.

How much older is he than you OP? What area in the country are you in, assuming there are cultural issues at play here, there are charities you can speak to that can help in this specific situation. I’m aware of a few in the north west of England

This didn't happen over night. What did you expect?

@DrManhattan

This didn't happen over night. What did you expect?

This was an arranged marriage of a 16 year old girl, she had no idea what she was getting into and hasn't had the chance to gain any life experience or other relationship experience to know how awful and abusive this relationship is.

You poor thing.

I would suggest contacting your health visitor you can put you in touch with homestart and provide practical support

@youvegottenminuteslynn
But she doesn't have to stay and have 5 kids. She's not 16 any more.

OK so money access. Do you claim child benefit? Assuming you are in the UK you need to make the claim as otherwise you are not getting the pension credits you are entitled to. He will need to pay this back through his tax return I expect but that's his issue. That will give you £308 every 4 weeks. You have a child with SEN that might entitle you to some additional benefits dependant on need. Look at DLA initially then carers from there.
He is calling you bluff re quitting his job for childcare I expect. Your SEN child will definately need more input as they get bigger. Speak to your health visitor or the SEN child's support about help with the twins. It won't help you now but they might be eligible for free preschool hours at 2yrs old.

If you know - even roughly - what he earns then use the CMS calculator to see what child.mantenance he would owe you if you separated on the current arrangements - it might be quite an eye opener/motivator.

Bottom line is you do not have to live like this.

• DrManhattan

@youvegottenminuteslynn
But she doesn't have to stay and have 5 kids. She's not 16 any more.*

True, but who is going to support her trying to leave? Doubt she can go to her family considering they married her off at 16 and are telling her how lucky she is.

Any friends outside of the culture who can help you?

YADNBU OP

Sounds fair as long as he is willing to take another job to fill all of his evenings and weekends and never have a single spare minute when he’s not “at work”. He sounds disgusting.

Hi thank you everyone who answered I have been living my life like this for so long I didn't know if it was normal or not. I have no friends outside our culture and nobody talks about anything negative with their lives so I wasn't sure if I was complaining and feeling ungrateful and it's just a normal way to live. My husband is over 10 years older than me I don't want to say the exact number. I'm worried I've said to much and will be found out by someone who knows me.

We don't claim any benefit my husband earns too much. I wasn't allowed to work when I was younger and had to learn a lot to be a good wife.

Op I think you’d benefit from talking to a domestic abuse adviser. While your oh is away working can you call a domestic abuse line.

Not having open access to money and not being allowed to do things makes it sound like he is controlling.

You’re not unreasonable to want help or to want time away from the kids occasional. Sounds like you are very busy and get no support with the family/children care.

I promise you my love that anyone on the outside will know that this relationship isn't healthy and you aren't ungrateful, you were told to marry someone ten years older when you were a child and he has controlled your life since then. You are a victim in this, but you could have a life outside of this.

If you go to a Boots and ask at the pharmacy counter for "Ani" they will take you into the little room there and help you speak to charities designed to help you.

Or you can call the charity "women's aid" from home if there's a way of you doing that without him knowing - you can ask them for help and advice relating specifically to your culture. If your heritage is what I think it may be, there are specialist resources to provide support from people who have been through or are going through abuse in arranged marriages.

You have time on your side - you are still so young. You say you're not educated but to your credit you sound articulate and smart, you've just not had the chance to get a sense of what healthy relationships and healthy family dynamics look like.

Please don't give up and think your life has to look like this forever

All of his family and my family tell me all the time how lucky I am. I'm scared of the real world if I'm lucky to have my life the world must be so much worse it's unknown to me. I don't know if I am being abused I thought abuse was hitting and he doesn't him me.