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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ungrateful?

150 replies

123mnb · 21/05/2021 14:39

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 21/05/2021 18:46

Oh gosh this is so sad. Abuse takes so many forms, emotional, coercive, financial, sexual, physical.

I strongly suggest you contact women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/women-from-bme-communities/ ,
Refuge www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/culturally-specific-services/

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

Thehop · 21/05/2021 18:47

Please contact women’s aid. Please keep posting.

Flowers500 · 21/05/2021 18:49

You’re not being unreasonable, i would literally rather live under a bridge than like that

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 18:53

Please do give womens aid a ring if you can do so without him knowing OP - they will be able to tell you objectively if his behaviour is abusive or not. I know it's scary for people on the internet to say it is when we don't know you, even if the signs are clear to us.

They will also be able to signpost you to services specifically set up to support people from your background when it comes to culture and heritage.

Keep posting if we can help at all, this place can be a lifeline as there is always someone here to listen to you Thanks

LittleOwl153 · 21/05/2021 18:55

You can can child benefit. And should for reasons of pension. He cannot stop you. He will have to declare it but that's his problem.
If he won't allow you access to money for the basics he is leaving you no choice.
And benefits relating to your SEN child are not means tested - speak to nursery about those.

Original poster
123mnb · 21/05/2021 19:04

My husband doesn't acknowledge there is anything wrong with our son and he is perfectly normal and I had to lie to him and say he had to go to his special need nursery for speech therapy only. He would go mad if he found out about any disability money. I haven't been allowed to tell anyone about him nobody knows at all only me and him.

OP posts:
Ilovesweets123 · 21/05/2021 19:08

Surely you knew life would be looking after your children when you had one or two... you can't really complain when you have kept having children. It's one of the reasons why people don't have more than one or two, to get a bit of independence back.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 19:16

@Ilovesweets123

Surely you knew life would be looking after your children when you had one or two... you can't really complain when you have kept having children. It's one of the reasons why people don't have more than one or two, to get a bit of independence back.
Please read her other posts, this was an arranged marriage at the age of 16. She has had no opportunity to know that anything about this relationship is abnormal or unhealthy. She has been told her job is to cook, clean and have as many children as her husband wants. She is brave to be opening her eyes now and people telling her she made her bed isn't helpful or kind.
Original poster
123mnb · 21/05/2021 19:19

I know I don't have the right to complain that's why I started this thread to see if I'm being unreasonable. I know everything is my fault.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 21/05/2021 19:20

@ilovesweets123 were you at the back of the queue when they were handing out empathy. At least read the Ops posts before posting such a judgemental post.

Ilovesweets123 · 21/05/2021 19:24

Oh I am so so so sorry, I just read your first post and then commented. That was extremely judgemental of me and I apologise. Abuse can take so many forms, not just physical. Please call women's aid. You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve more than that out of life. I am sorry again for posting that comment. I will always make sure I read the whole story before commenting again.

Original poster
123mnb · 21/05/2021 19:26

I can't post anymore tonight it's hard to find space not to cry in front of the children and I have to be on video call every hour and don't want him to see that my eyes are red and will have to explain. Thank you everyone you are kinder to me than I deserve.

OP posts:
LeilaDarling · 21/05/2021 19:28

You deserve love and support. It will be hard but you can make changes, life is so short, please keep communicating on here and contact Women’s Aid x

OopsUp · 21/05/2021 19:35

You have to be on video call every hour ? Who is that with OP? Your DH?

CombatBarbie · 21/05/2021 19:39

@ilovesweets123 I didn't think that was your usual posting style...

cansu · 21/05/2021 19:41

You do know that him saying he will quit his job and you have to get another job that pays as much blah blah blah is just bullshit?
Tell him that you will be going to college. If he wishes to quit his job that's up to him. You will be paying your way once you have finished your education. He is controlling you by using money.

Original poster
123mnb · 21/05/2021 19:42

Yes my husband so he can check I'm doing something if the babies are sleeping and not sitting down doing nothing and I will have to walk around the house with the camera to check that it's spotless. My mind is racing with thoughts thank you everyone. 🙏

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 21/05/2021 19:45

God, this sounds absolutely awful. He doesn't own you. He is abusive. Please call woman's aid.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 19:56

Please come back on here again tomorrow OP, I know lots of us would like to provide you with a safe space to think out loud.

Please consider calling women's aid tomorrow if it's safe, or if you can get out of the house (I know that might not be possible due to your children) go to a boots pharmacy at some point and ask to speak to "Ani". You won't have to say anything more than that for them to bring you into a little room there and give you some numbers to call to talk through what's happening. You won't be obliged to do anything, you'll just have the opportunity to get some support started.

Thanks
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 19:56

@123mnb

Yes my husband so he can check I'm doing something if the babies are sleeping and not sitting down doing nothing and I will have to walk around the house with the camera to check that it's spotless. My mind is racing with thoughts thank you everyone. 🙏
Oh my love this is so abusive x
FudgeFlake · 21/05/2021 20:08

With every update this just gets worse. Dear OP, you can do this. Of course your husband is going to be difficult about you wanting to make changes, he is also trapped by his upbringing in a culture that sounds like it hasn't moved on from the Middle Ages. But for your own sake as well as the children's you need to find the support to bring your whole family into the 21st century, otherwise your daughters and your sons will just end up reliving the same history as you. Very best wishes x

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 20:59

[quote DrManhattan]@youvegottenminuteslynn
But she doesn't have to stay and have 5 kids. She's not 16 any more.[/quote]
OFGS.

Like it's that easy. Even without your family's expectations.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 21:00

@123mnb

I know I don't have the right to complain that's why I started this thread to see if I'm being unreasonable. I know everything is my fault.
Nonsense! It's NOT your fault and you do have the right to complain!

Keep posting

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2021 21:01

@Ilovesweets123

Surely you knew life would be looking after your children when you had one or two... you can't really complain when you have kept having children. It's one of the reasons why people don't have more than one or two, to get a bit of independence back.
What is wrong with you?
Joinedjustforthispost · 21/05/2021 21:08

Bless you op it sounds like you need time and also something for yourself? Time off just for you like an allocated day or evening to do something you may enjoy? Maybe consider a part time job , I know it sounds crazy when you’re busy but it means you are out of the house and also around adults rather than children. I’d sit down and have a serious chat stating things need to change Flowers

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