Am I ungrateful?

[123mnb]

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

Yes I buy groceries he transfers money into my account I can't get cash back because it's enough for only groceries only if I need to buy something else he will only put the amount I need no extra. If I need clothes or anything else he will go to the shop with me and buy them for me with his card.

Well marital rape is a crime but not one I've ever had anything to do with - does anyone know how that is likely to play out in court? As I wouldn't want to encourage you to put yourself in a situation that puts you in further danger from your abuser. Womens aid / Southall black sisters seem the way ahead as they know what they are talking about (as do some people on here, but be aware that whatever you choose to do, you are living with the real life consequences, not us).
You need some time. Next time one of the kids brings a bug home from school, it will be awful if you caught it too and had to spend some time in bed resting and thinking.
It sounds like you know your situation isn't right or fair or normal, and you want out. It's just the logistics of getting out that you need to figure out!

Btw don't tell him. Abusers get worse when they think their victim is leaving. Plan, then leave once, no to-ing and fro-ing.

It’s all half yours as you are married. It’s not his at all.

@123mnb

I know I don't have the right to complain that's why I started this thread to see if I'm being unreasonable. I know everything is my fault.

You have every right to complain. You were a 16 year old child stripped of your future to become this mans wife. It's not ungrateful to want to better yourself. Please contact women's aid for advice and help.

Please call the police, a solicitor and the charity previously mentioned or a similar one. Put his clothes i a bag on the door step and change the locks. The court most likely will give you the house and make him pay you a good proportion of his earnings too. Get him out.

This is abuse by him and both your families. Don’t let it keep happening. He will marry off your daughters at 16. Stop it while you can. Huge hugs.

And nothing is your fault.

Just because he says it's all his, doesn't mean it is. And it isn't. Legally (assuming you are legally married in the UK) you can claim 50%. Are you also the owner or main driver of your car? If you are, I don't think he will be able to stop you, physically. Re. Your clothes etc. Doesn't matter if he bought them, they are clearly for you and would be considered yours (probably as gifts). Also, given your situation, anything you 'took' to make a physical attempt to leave would be fine, as he is essentially keeping you hostage.

Understandably, you're looking at what he tells you as if it's true. It isn't. He doesn't own you, or your children (the law is stacked in your favour there), anything he's purchased that was intended solely for you (like clothes, shoes, mobile etc). You also wouldn't die in the real world, and there are other people who will help. No reasoned person will laugh at you, I promise. You're in a tough position and just coming here to MN and speaking out makes you so brave x

Op, I know there's a lot for you to wrap your head around. You don't need to rush it.

You're in a highly abusive marriage, what you've described so far includes sexual abuse, coercive control and financial control/abuse.

Did you want to get married when you were 16? Did you have a choice in the matter?

I appreciate its hard to see things differently, but if you decide that you want help to leave your marriage then it is available. Charities such a refuge do help women who have ended up in marriages such as yours where there is a very strong cultural element to it.

@123mnb, please please please contact Women's Aid. They'll be able to help. They won't laugh at you. They'll find a solution for you and your children.

What your husband does is abuse. Abuse doesn't always leave physical scars and bruises. Controlling your finances and behaviour is abuse. Telling you sex is your marital duty is rape.

Wishing you lots of strength

Southall Black Sisters is an excellent charity who can really help. There is also an organisation called Karma Nirvana, who work with victims of forced marriage and "honour-based" abuse.

karmanirvana.org.uk/

Even though he is not hitting you, you are being abused. You do not have to tolerate this. You have choices.

You have every right to complain about how you're being treated by your husband and family. He treats you like an animal.

Make plans to leave. Get help. Imagine a life without him. He sounds like a bullying, neanderthal twat. He thinks you're stupid. You're not. He is. Oh and never have sex with him again.

Oh and never have sex with him again

I suspect this is much easier said than done for the op.

As others have said you are being abused op - it comes in a lot of different guises. I cannot imagine how hard life has been/is for you but it doesn't always have to be this way. Please look into women's aid charities - they can help you. Be careful to delete your search history and cover your tracks but you can plan your escape and give yourself and your children a happier life. Wishing you all the best x

Op I'm a similar culture. Have you had only a nikah/ religious marriage or have you had a registry office wedding?

Also pls be careful about sharing info with inlaws, even if they are in laws that have married into the family. Their main priority is themselves, not you

This is really sad. I feel for you. I'm a full time single working parent just to one child and I could never be a SAHM, I have huge respect for SAHMs as much as working parents.. But I know I'd feel like I was constantly letting my child down. Is there no way you can even get a bit of part time work.. A few shifts.. Just so you feel like you have something else going on except childcare and chores. Do you not have a joint bank account?? How do you pay for things?

Why did he want kids?

Fucking pointless if he doesn't want to be a father.

I've read all your posts now.

He's a shitebag, leave him.

Please go and see your GP and tell them everything you have said here.

@Pebbledashery

This is really sad. I feel for you. I'm a full time single working parent just to one child and I could never be a SAHM, I have huge respect for SAHMs as much as working parents.. But I know I'd feel like I was constantly letting my child down. Is there no way you can even get a bit of part time work.. A few shifts.. Just so you feel like you have something else going on except childcare and chores. Do you not have a joint bank account?? How do you pay for things?

At least read the OP’s posts

Sorry I've just read your updates op. I left a very abusive relationship without anything except my child.. It was tough but I did it.. You just have to find a way to find it inside you to leave. Your life will not get any better :(

@ShrikeAttack

OP, I suggest you contact Southall Black Sisters, they're a charity specifically to help women in abusive arranged marriages and similar situations. They'll really understand the challenges and difficulties you're facing and can help you.

OP, did you see this message. I hope you find the strength to get help. Your husband is abusive and you shouldn’t have to live like this.

Oh my god, this is heart breaking to read. Your job to have sex.....Oh god I have tears in my eyes reading this. I left my abusive husband with 3 kids who were 4, 5 and 5. We left the house with nothing but the clothes we stood in. You can do it op, please speak to women's aid, please xx