Am I ungrateful?

[123mnb]

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She doesn't have to stay. Everyone of these replies is saying she should leave. I agree!

[quote DrManhattan]@youvegottenminuteslynn

She doesn't have to stay. Everyone of these replies is saying she should leave. I agree![/quote]
Many people have managed to say it in a constructive and supportive way. Almost all of us have said she should leave, but understand she needs support from charities / resources in order to do so.

Read your comments back. They're flippant and dismissive as if it's easy to leave, as well as being victim blaming. "She's not 16 anymore." Well quite, but she is almost stuck in the mindset of a 16 year old due to having no life outside of the marriage for over a decade.

You were needlessly dismissive of how hard it would be for her to leave. Which is your prerogative obviously, but still shitty behaviour.

OP, I suggest you contact Southall Black Sisters, they're a charity specifically to help women in abusive arranged marriages and similar situations. They'll really understand the challenges and difficulties you're facing and can help you.

I'd just like to add that women of all ethnic minorities can use Southall Black Sisters, they aren't exclusively for those with Afro-Carribean heritage, despite the name.

OP, I am assuming your husband forbids the use of contraception. If so, would you consider using a 'stealth' method that he would never know about, the injection perhaps? The last thing you need is more DC right now. If you are Muslim, I believe that the majority of scholars agree that Islam permits contraception.

@123mnb

Yes my husband so he can check I'm doing something if the babies are sleeping and not sitting down doing nothing and I will have to walk around the house with the camera to check that it's spotless. My mind is racing with thoughts thank you everyone. 🙏

OP, my heart is bleeding for you. This is not a way to live. (((Hugs)))

OP just a note to say good morning, I've been thinking of you overnight and I am sure I'm right when I say we're all still here for you today x

Hi everyone I'm back now for a bit my husband came home last night unexpectedly but has gone to work now. I looked on the website for women's aid but nearly got caught. I'm still unsure if he is being abusive or if it is just a normal I have lived like this for as long as I can remember and my life before him seems so short and I can hardly remember it. What I do remember wasn't good memories. I'm just so confused I'm afraid that if I tell people they will laugh at me and say that everything is my own fault and that it's not abuse and I'm being stupid and ungrateful and he finds out and my life becomes even worse. I've never had any independence or been on my own in the real world is it stupid that it scares me? I know I'm not 16 anymore and should just grow up but it's so hard when I have never known anything else. I wish I knew people like you when I was younger even my teachers knew and just took my name off the register and let my parents marry me.

Honestly, go back to working, get childcare and have a life, what you have is a step ford wife nightmare. You need independence and your 'd'H needs to be a dad and husband, not a manchild

... sorry OP. I should have read the rest of your comments, best of luck with whatever you do

No one at woman's aid is going to laugh at you.

@Sportysporty

5 children and its just dawned on you what life would be like?

Exactly.

@PerveenMistry

Read the OP's other posts. She was taken out of school and put in an arranged marriage as a 16 year old child. She's lived in a totally controlled environment since, to cook, clean and do childcare for however many children her husband wants her to have. Read her posts before agreeing with such flippant comments, this is not a relationship that can be measured by normal standards at all.

Your husband is a dick.

You need to be more forceful with him. Let him look after them for a week and see how he copes.

This is not your fault and you do not have to feel grateful for what you have. Have you heard the phrase “gilded cage”? That’s what you are in. A life with a higher earner isn’t great if they are abusive, and your husband definitely sounds abusive to me.

Are you in England?

It’s obviously up to you if you want to just explore how and when you can leave him. I have no idea how dangerous he could be (some abusive men can turn violent if you try to leave/show some independence), but do you think you could have a discussion with him about how abnormal your relationship is and whether he is willing to change parts of it? You could see if he is willing to give you a monthly allowance that is yours to spend as you wish, without asking him every time you want something. That might give you the breathing space to get some savings for yourself. Alternatively, does he insist on seeing receipts for your purchases? Are you able to add a bit here and there to things you buy/add cashback to your shopping?

I would definitely see if you can speak to women’s aid and do the freedom programme. There may also be help available from your local council, depending on your area. We still have sure start centres where I am, and they run advice sessions where you can bring your children too.

If you are able to get copies of any bank statements/payslips/mortgage statements then I would. You can speak to a divorce lawyer about what is a possible outcome if you do split. They may also be willing to come to an arrangement about fees so that they don’t need to be paid until you have some money after the split. That might be a psychological step too far for you at the moment though, especially as I can’t imagine you have much mental space with 5 children.

Also, make sure you are on the best contraception you can be!

Are you in the UK OP? If you know how much he earns you could work out in advance what you might get in terms of child support and benefits if you separated.

Sounds very stress having to do constant video calls

I'm so sorry you are suffering, OP. Your feelings are normal, and you are right to question people who tell you otherwise.

Your situation is quite difficult, and the flippant responses here aren't helping.

Wait until you know you won't be overheard by anyone, and ring women's aid. They will be able to give you advice specifically for your situation and culture. But for now, focus on staying safe. Do not let him know what you're thinking. Make sure he can't track your online activity, change your password here, etc.

This is a very difficult situation, OP, but you can find your way through it. You don't have to live this way forever.

Also, consider asking @mnhq to move this thread to Relationships, as you will get more measured advice from the regulars there.

As your children get older things become easier. It is clear to us reading that you are in an abusive marriage. Due to your isolation (which your husband has engineered) and your lack of freedom (also created deliberately by him) leaving isn't going to be simple. I wouldn't expect you to be able to up and leave this week. However, do not have any more babies. If you can avoid having sex with him when you are fertile, then avoid having sex. If he forces you, that is a criminal offence and you could consider having him arrested but I've no idea how successful that will be.
As a previous poster mentioned, you will need money. Find somewhere to store cash, sell things on eBay / Facebook etc, preferably without him knowing. He is not a good man and you need to disentangle your loyalty to him.
Think about the future. Is he likely to challenge custody? Courts do pay attention to the status quo (as in the way things already are) - but some men move in with their mums and expect mum to take over where wife left off, be clear that you are primary carer.
You are so brave to be making a change. You will need an education, and you will be able to get one but in the first instance you will need to live on universal credit. It isn't easy but it seems that you can cook, which helps. You will have more energy when not answerable to someone else's ridiculous expectations all the time.
Btw it isn't normal for your husband not to want you to rest. It is normal for a husband to love his wife and want her to be happy.

If I leave him with the children to go to the shop he doesn't look after them properly shouts at them especially my 3 year old with special needs so don't leave them. I don't get a choice to not have sex it's my job he tells me and thought that was normal? I'm in the UK I'm born here but he isn't and we don't mix with people in our culture that are born in the UK because they are to westernised to be around. I've been secretly been on Mumsnet for a while reading about other people's life's and that started me questioning my life and when I have brought this up that I'm not happy with he tells me it's because I'm born here and to expect to be like English people to much. All of my sisters in laws seem happy but we are not close they don't like me very much 3 of them are sisters and the other 2 are very close. They are a lot older than me and they never complain about their lives or husbands to me I tried to talk to one of them but she told her husband and it got straight back to my husband. So now don't say anything.

I do try to get some money together for a while but don't know where to start I can't hide money in the house I case one of the children find it and he has totally access to my bank account and I don't have any money in there only about £17 and no direct access to the main accounts. I have a phone,car and a nice house but nothing is in my name he owns everything and tells me. I told him once that I was unhappy and that I was going to leave and he told me to go if I wanted to but I have nowhere to go and don't even own the clothes I was wearing.

Do you buy groceries via a bank card? Can you get cashback when you do?

Do you have a loft? Can you find a place that is inaccessible to the children there, and wait until he is away in the week and the children are in bed, to hide the extra cash?

Are you claiming child benefit? Can you open a new bank account that he won't know about?