Am I ungrateful?

[123mnb]

I'm a SAHM and have 5 children under the age of 7 my husband works away and we have no money worries and live a very comfortable life but I hate my life so much I don't want to be trapped looking after everyone and wish everyone would stop depending pieces of me I have nothing else to give anyone. My husband does absolutely nothing when he is home and doesn't get involved with the children at all, everything is up to me as he works and it's my job. I've asked him to stop working away but then he said that he will earn less money and will have to downsize the house and pull the children out of their schools etc... and I feel so guilty. He won't let me hire any help as the children are my job and so is looking after the house and doesn't want me doing nothing all day. AIBU to complain and hate my life or do I have a wonderful life and lucky?

ahhh - he's financially abusive.

I think you're question is not am I ungrateful but how do i come up with a long term plan to leave my abusive partner.

There are lots of women who've said that mumsnet have been a great source for them as they've taken those hard steps.

I wish you very much luck.

Op my heart breaks for you, you ate in a controlling relationship. Are you actually happy in your marriage?

You married at the beginning of year 11?

My 3 year old can't go to full time nursery as well as his special needs nursery because of COVID they won't allow cross settings.

Don’t have anymore kids.

You’re married to a chauvinistic prick who uses his income as a get-out for anything involved in parenting.

I’d be deeply unhappy.

You're doing a fantastic job, but it's fine to say that you can't keep it going 24/7, 365 days a year. When you think about it, you're at the limit of how many under 5s a childminder is allowed (they're only allowed more than one under 1 if they're twins), and they don't do this 24 hours a day. Most households with multiple children share the bedtime routine. Do you get five of them bathed and to bed single-handed? You're amazing!

I don't think it's necessarily occurred to your husband that you never get a break. When he is at home, he probably enjoys any time he does spend with the children, and so doesn't think it's as hard work as going out to work - but there's a huge difference between spending Saturday afternoon with them and changing the odd nappy, and keeping the whole household going all the time.

Perhaps you should ask that he gives you a weekend off from your "job", and then he might realise how exhausting it can be. If he's not able to give you some downtime at weekends, and you can afford it, then buying in some help would seem eminently sensible, whether it's a cleaner, or some help with the children.

Also, is there cultural things at play? You left school to get married? And you need permission to do things?

What is your husband’s job?

@WilyKitWilyKat

He says you can’t hire any help??!

Fuck him, get a cleaner. You don’t need his consent!

Unless you've no access to money, which I'm guessing is the case?

Do you have a career to go back to?

Sorry. Cross post

@123mnb

I don't want to be a SAHM but my husband doesn't want to put the children into childcare because it's my job to raise them and he said if I did he would quit his job and look after the children and I would have to get a job that brings in as much money as his. We both know I could never do that as I'm not very well educated and left school at the beginning of year 11 to get married. I've always wanted to go to college to better myself but can't.

OP given he does nothing around the house or for the kids, no way is he going to quit his job to become a SAHP

However, you have much bigger issues that than, which I think you know.

I can't just hire a cleaner without his permission because I don't have access to the main bank accounts.

Does he give you an allowance? Sounds like financial abuse.

@CursedEngagement

You won't get any response here other than that men are evil, it's the only response Mumsnet is capable of. You're at a tough stage but it will get easier as your children get older and them having a good education and a solid home will be worth the hard work that you're putting in now. If you went back to work full-time then could you earn enough to cover childcare and a cleaner? What options do you have for getting out of the house with the kids - it's much nicer and easier a lot of the time if you go out somewhere that's enjoyable for you all rather than feeling trapped inside. Is your eldest able to help with some chores? Not big stuff but just giving you a bit of company with washing up etc. What could be done to make your life more efficient? Good luck with everything.

Re your first sentence - do you think OP's husband sounds like a nice partner?

I don't think all men are evil. There are many men in my life who I love - my partner, friends, family.

The reason there seems to be a disproportionate dislike of men on MN is because people rarely start threads on their fantastic partners who are decent and supportive and lovely. People more often than not start on partners who are treating them badly, hence why those partners are judged to be arseholes on here. On account of them behaving like arseholes.

is he older than you?

@myfuckingfreezer

Good point, that hadn’t occurred to me when I posted.

I really feel for the OP. This sounds like a controlling and financially abusive relationship to me.

@123mnb

I can't just hire a cleaner without his permission because I don't have access to the main bank accounts.

Ah ok so he's financially abusive. Fuck, that complicates things.

You got together at 16, was he much older?

Why did you continue having children with this man? I'm guessing these issues didn't suddenly crop up with child no 5? Do you feel like you've been coerced into this subservient role? Without wanting to be rio leading, this is a trick of controlling men.

You really need to look into colleges or options to get sone GCSEs at least and, prepare for an indeoendent life.

Well having to ask instead of discussing a cleaner or childcare and having no access to money makes him an abusive dick.

Oh OP, it sounds like you feel so trapped. Quite understandable. Re. Getting help, if someone was running a department (like you) and had too much on, they would hire another person. It's not your job to run this department alone, and feel like a failure or be judged when you can't.

Have you tried having a frank, honest, calm conversation with your DH about how unhappy you are? If not, perhaps give it a go, when you both have some space and time. I don't need to tell you that this whole family game should be a joint one, and the way you win is to all have a happy(ish, at least) existence.

My DH earns more than me, and also works away. I don't love it, I miss him, I feel I often have to take the domestic burden more than I want... But he brings in the money. However, we decided together that we'd have a cleaner, and he always jumps in when I need him to, even if it's just cos I want a weekend day "off".

Is there any chance your older DCs could visit family/friends for a few days, to give you some time to breathe?

be leading bloody auto correct and me typing on a cracked phone

I think you're question is not am I ungrateful but how do i come up with a long term plan to leave my abusive partner.

There are lots of women who've said that mumsnet have been a great source for them as they've taken those hard steps.

Absolutely this. MN can be a great support for helping to plan to leave abusive relationships. Which this is as he dictates how family money is spent and doesn't allow you access to it, as well as forbidding you from working.

Financially abusive shit bag!

I sincerely doubt he would quit his job, because it’s his source of being the big “I am”. Can’t imagine a “man” like that wanting to be a sahd.

He sounds not very nice op. Keep talking on here.

He's unlikely to change, are you in any kind of position to leave this abusive situation?

P.s. if you can, try to take all judgement out of this. Whether or not someone else thinks you're grateful or ungrateful, you're clearly unhappy, and not having basic needs met (like time to yourself, or a balanced relationship). The bottom line is you don't want to keep going like you are, and you need some things to change. No judgement of you or DH. It just gotta change!

He’s a controlling, misogynistic pig. He’s got you exactly where he wants you: tied to the home. Having so many kids, not allowing you to work, not allowing you to pay for help, are all ways of controlling you. This is straight out of the 1950’s .