To feel annoyed at this evening

[Malteser71]

We went out for dinner tonight with another couple. I’ll call them I’ll call them Tom and Sue. We’ve known them for almost 20 years so they are good friends, however we haven’t seen them in a long time due to covid.

I’ve also been WFH for 16 months now. I’m really lacking in adult company. We have two teenage kids and a dog, they are mainly the only people I’ve had to talk to. DH works outside the home.

Tonight was the first time I’d been out socially since last summer, I was very much looking forward to catching up with them and just having some adult conversation.

When we arrived at the restaurant, it seemed Tom had invited a friend of his that we loosely know (Andy). It seems that Andy had suggested seeing Tom tonight, but rather than telling Andy that he already had plans, Tom invited Andy to join us.

Andy’s wife has gone to London with work, so he brought his teenage son instead. I know the son, I find him very hard work, I wouldn’t choose to go out socially for a meal with him (I’m nearly 50, we are all a similar age).

It turns out that Tom told my husband about this change of plan earlier in the week, he didn’t think it important so didn’t mention it to me.

So basically I thought we were going out with friends but I’ve just spent the evening next to a teenage boy who I don’t really like, listening to him holding court on a variety of topics, interrupting, stifling our conversation and being a bit of a knob.

My own teenage children were at home. They’d have loved to come out for a meal, but I didn’t invite them because it was supposed to be ourselves and another couple.

I’m just furious with DH for not telling me about this change of plan, or for agreeing with Tom that it was fine to invite Andy and his son. I’ve had absolutely no adult conversation, I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan.

aIBU to be really annoyed and feel cheated of my night out? It feels as though I wasn’t considered important enough to consult.

Yes, there is a change in dynamics, but it doesn't need to be huge, and not necessarily much worse than dinner between adults.

You've got every right to be pissed off. Nothing worse than being stuck next to a dreary teen.

@Lweji

There are soooo many things you can't talk about comfortably in front of teens. The dynamic is totally changed.

Such as?

Was the OP and others have a conversation about their sex lives in the middle of a restaurant, for example?

Oh come on, @Lweji, don't be so dim! Why would the OP want to go out for a meal with someone's teenage son, when she's so desperate to have adult company?

Would you expect the teenage son to want to go out with his own gang and one of their mothers?

Of course conversations differ if someone's teenager is present, especially if that person is telling everyone how to live their lives.

I like teens plenty, but would not necessarily want to share a long-awaited night out with one. Teens are often not good at conversation - ie ping pong. They will talk, but in response to questions (about them) or about something they know about, but will not converse properly (frankly it would be a bit precocious if they did.).

If I’d gone out for an evening of banter and spent the entire time asking polite questions about sixth form or being lectured on my eating habits I’d be

I’d be pissed off too

@HollowTalk

I wonder how the son would feel if he had a night planned out with some teenage friends and one of them brought his mum along, who proceeded to sit with them and tell them what they were doing wrong with their lives?

Excellent point.

A can imagine the AIBU response to that scenario

Was the OP and others have a conversation about their sex lives in the middle of a restaurant, for example

Maybe?! Who knows. People talk about all sorts with friends, just because it might not be a conversation you would have... When I'm with friends we gossip, talk about our feelings, things we're going through, our kids! Etc etc...Plus events that we may have all been through, there's an endless list of things I wouldn't say in front of teenagers.

This thread is hilarious, tbh. OP seriously, in your shoes I'd have left and asked to rearrange without kids.

Some PP think OP should have sat with Sue. Well, what if OP and Sue wanted to talk to their husbands/friends? or should they, women, just be kind and let the boring snoozefest proto mansplainer and their husbands get on with it?

This thread is a clue-in for anyone who hasn't yet copped on: when people arrange to meet other adults for an evening meal they are not interested in seeing your offspring unless they explicitly say so. I do feel that OP's DH isn't getting enough flack here, but then i don't know what kind of conversations they've been having. My DH would have immediately given me the heads up because over the last 12 months a lot of our conversations when he gets back from work, I've been WFH, have been along the lines of "if i don't get some in-person adult interaction soon i am going to completely lose it" even though I really do enjoy our teenage offspring's company most of the time.

I had a friend that used to turn up with her teen son all the time, drove me nuts. Then he'd eye roll and yawn ... don't bloody come then! They rarely do anything without each other, very odd.

She thinks it's odd that I don't facetime my DD at uni every day .... clearly believes she has a much closer relationship with her son. I've had to distance myself ... covid has helped tremendously.

Oh I forgot to add ... he's a 'young tory' ... that made for 'interesting' meals out .

I'd have been pissed off too of course.

I think the comments about the teenage son are a bit harsh though. They are still learning not to be arseholes at that age, and I suspect none of us would have shone in our time. All blame goes to the grown men for thinking up such a stupid idea, agreeing to it, and not telling OP.

@Amdone123

I'd be annoyed. My sister has a habit of doing this although her speciality is inviting other people on holidays ( it's another thread!). Agree with pp it changes the dynamic and yes, you were effectively the childcare in this set up ( again, happened to me at my sister's!). It's infuriating. Some people can get up and walk out, but I can't ( though next time this happens I honestly think I will).

Just don't go with her anymore! You know she'll do this so just decline these invitations.

But, you had the other wife there, and you did not have to sit next to the teen.

I don’t understand all the comments along these lines. Unless you are on the far end of the top table at a wedding, you’re very rarely only sitting next to one person. Even if the OP did sit next to Sue, surely there would be someone sitting on her other side too - in this case the teen? There would also be someone on Sue’s other side (maybe her husband). I can’t see how the OP could sit next to Sue and Sue alone, and not talk to anyone else at the table.

Do Sue and Tom have teenage children that they left at home too?

How did Sue feel about having a teenager there?

I’d have been really annoyed. YANBU.

Furious isn't the word, why would anyone want to go out with another teenager.

I'd feel the same as you.

That's not on. Your DH should have told you what the plans had been changed to.

Not nice for you that you left your DC at home because you thought it was an adults' night. And not nice for you that you thought you were having an adult night with your friends.

In future, you need to check with your DH before you go to a social event that the plans haven't changed

You're DH seriously OWES you for not making you aware and lumbering you with table childcare.... Make him pay for your ruined evening. Life is too precious to waste time.

You could have planned a long luxurious bath, candles and wine by yourself.

I think you just have to chalk it up to experience this time. But I'd drum into your DH that if plans ever change in future, he needs to relay that information on to you.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop wow you really have it jn for teenage boys! Do you feel the same about teenage girls too or are they all perfect ?? [/quote]
Thing is, IME teenage girls display this behaviour much less than teenage boys do.

I have spent my entire life being belittled, intimidated, shouted down and spoken to like I'm stupid by grown men. I've worked in healthcare and education and it's level at in both sectors. Now I'm a teacher, It's genuinely alarming to see how early boys are displaying these very same attitudes to women and girls of all ages. Misogynists don't just flick an 'on' switch when they turn 18 you know

Sometimes it's a really good and useful thing to be able to be assertive to the point of rude, as a way of communicating clearly to people who have imposed on you that this is not ok. I know some people who have this down to an art. I find older generations are generally much better at this, because they've grown up with almost all their social interactions being in person, so are more skilled at social and conversational tactics

I agree and annoyingly the world has decided to label these people (women) Karen 🙄

@Darkbrownistheriver

Even the loveliest of teenagers (boys and girls) still think they know it all. They can’t help it. I personally could have ended world poverty, all wars and climate change when I was 15 (well possibly not climate change as it wasn’t particularly high on the agenda in 1975).

Some of them are more annoying than others when telling you about it though. And yes, some teenage boys are pricks and some teenage girls are bitchy - these personality traits don’t just go ‘ping’ and appear when they’re adults.

We were probably all the same as teenagers but these days it's compounded by pandering parents who have spent 15 years telling their little darling they're so clever, right about everything and yes it's fine to talk back to the teacher because Miss Mop has to earn your respect if she wants it

@Lweji

There are soooo many things you can't talk about comfortably in front of teens. The dynamic is totally changed.

Such as?

Was the OP and others have a conversation about their sex lives in the middle of a restaurant, for example?

Possibly But it’s well and truly off the cards with a teen around.

Along with perhaps any talk about serious financial concerns.

All worried about other children they have or even the teen in question.

@MadinMarch

What have you that impression? It’s Andy’s wife that want there Correct. And unbeknown to them all, and us dear reader, Andy's wife, who had allegedly 'gone to London with work' was actually ensconced in a hotel in the next town along with her new lover. Room service delivered champagne and fois gras to them. and she wallowed in the fact that she wasn't spending yet another evening with her over avidly mansplaining teenage son.

I'm only joking, before anyone asks which post had this info in

🤣🤣

I love this thread! I love it when threads take an unexpectedly hilarious turn

@BigSandyBalls2015

I had a friend that used to turn up with her teen son all the time, drove me nuts. Then he'd eye roll and yawn ... don't bloody come then! They rarely do anything without each other, very odd.

She thinks it's odd that I don't facetime my DD at uni every day .... clearly believes she has a much closer relationship with her son. I've had to distance myself ... covid has helped tremendously.

FWIW it sounds like your relationship with your DD is 100x healthier than the one she has with her son. It's not normal to need mummy so close by all the time

YANBU.

And I agree with the teacher.