To feel annoyed at this evening

[Malteser71]

We went out for dinner tonight with another couple. I’ll call them I’ll call them Tom and Sue. We’ve known them for almost 20 years so they are good friends, however we haven’t seen them in a long time due to covid.

I’ve also been WFH for 16 months now. I’m really lacking in adult company. We have two teenage kids and a dog, they are mainly the only people I’ve had to talk to. DH works outside the home.

Tonight was the first time I’d been out socially since last summer, I was very much looking forward to catching up with them and just having some adult conversation.

When we arrived at the restaurant, it seemed Tom had invited a friend of his that we loosely know (Andy). It seems that Andy had suggested seeing Tom tonight, but rather than telling Andy that he already had plans, Tom invited Andy to join us.

Andy’s wife has gone to London with work, so he brought his teenage son instead. I know the son, I find him very hard work, I wouldn’t choose to go out socially for a meal with him (I’m nearly 50, we are all a similar age).

It turns out that Tom told my husband about this change of plan earlier in the week, he didn’t think it important so didn’t mention it to me.

So basically I thought we were going out with friends but I’ve just spent the evening next to a teenage boy who I don’t really like, listening to him holding court on a variety of topics, interrupting, stifling our conversation and being a bit of a knob.

My own teenage children were at home. They’d have loved to come out for a meal, but I didn’t invite them because it was supposed to be ourselves and another couple.

I’m just furious with DH for not telling me about this change of plan, or for agreeing with Tom that it was fine to invite Andy and his son. I’ve had absolutely no adult conversation, I’ve just eaten an Italian meal listening to a teenager going on about why we should all be vegan.

aIBU to be really annoyed and feel cheated of my night out? It feels as though I wasn’t considered important enough to consult.

If anyone chants the "It takes a village" mantra at me, I automatically question their parenting skills. The people I know IRL who spout that have really badly behaved children, and seem to think that's everyone else's problem.

It sounds like they didn’t really want you there anyway. They should have just cancelled and went without you.

@HideAndSeeking

It takes a village if we don’t as a society want to produce little monsters. Everyone isn’t blessed with a good environment in their formative years, some families really struggle. There may be a back story of which we’re entirely unaware.

We all have the freedom to choose how we respond, empathy is one choice out of many.

There is a reason people are paid to work with other people's teenagers, rather than as acts of altruism on nights out. It is difficult, not very fun and often challenging

Tbh, this teen seems to be in quite a privileged position, and suitably confident to expound in a group of adults on their strong opinions.

The OP wanted a break from her own teens and doing this unpaid work. This child was an imposition.

It was very remiss your DH not to mention this. I would have been very annoyed too.

@KittyKatChonky

Does the teenager have SEN? It’s a bit unusual that a teen would want to go out with old people.

Not really, my brother has an 'old soul' he would rather hang out with 50-80 year old men than other teens, hes always been like even as a young child but I assume that because he interested in history and hobbies that arent 'cool' to other teens - like a miniture clone version of our dad and would totally go hang out with my dad and his friends.

My friend from uni has a habit of doing this - bringing her teenager when we meet up as a group (which we rarely get the chance to do). It completely changes things, we can't talk about what we really want to talk about, and it just feels like the whole thing is sort of stilted, which is a shame considering we all book train tickets to meet in a central location to us all, and sometimes even stay over. It's a hassle to organise with us being from different parts of the country, and then we can't even talk properly when we get there! She never has a good reason for bringing the teenager either, it's not like an emergency or anything.

As someone who has also worked from home for 16 months and desperate for adult conversation I would be fuming

It's the not knowing that I'd find annoying. If you knew, you could have brought your teens, chucked them all on another table and bribed yours to socialise with him (my 2 would have done it for free food and a couple of ciders). It has been hard for teens, particularly if they don't have a solid group of friends, but this was your night out.

[quote HideAndSeeking]**@StillCoughingandLaughing
Throw in ‘In a world where you can be anything, be kind’ and you’re a shoo-in for smuggest post of the day.

I always find it curious when someone has a strong reaction.
What bothered you the most about that, how did my words make you feel?

The thread would be rather dull if we all responded from exactly the same perspective.[/quote]
It’s odd because in the same post you say that you’d hide in the toilets, text friends and then leave without giving any reason.

Not how I’d want my teen to behave!

@Sometimesonly - OMG! That’s awful and hilarious in equal measure.

YANBU, Op.

However, was it a case of Tom inviting Andy and his wife to join you all (or even just Tom on his own) and then Andy making the unilateral decision that since his wife couldn't be there he would bring along his son as his +1? So possibly your DH (and even Tom) didn't know that the son would be coming? clutching at straws!

We have friends that will often bring their kids along to adult events, and despite loving them like nieces & nephews, as we've known them since birth etc, it really changes the dynamics of the evening/event. We have a family holiday booked with them this year (waiting to see whether this will be possible or not, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist about foreign travel! ) and we recently had a message asking if their DS could bring not 1, but 3 friends! I should have posted on MN for a suitable response! 🤣

@bettytaghetti

YANBU, Op.

However, was it a case of Tom inviting Andy and his wife to join you all (or even just Tom on his own) and then Andy making the unilateral decision that since his wife couldn't be there he would bring along his son as his +1? So possibly your DH (and even Tom) didn't know that the son would be coming? clutching at straws!

We have friends that will often bring their kids along to adult events, and despite loving them like nieces & nephews, as we've known them since birth etc, it really changes the dynamics of the evening/event. We have a family holiday booked with them this year (waiting to see whether this will be possible or not, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist about foreign travel! ) and we recently had a message asking if their DS could bring not 1, but 3 friends! I should have posted on MN for a suitable response! 🤣

What did you say?

A very politely phrased no, but a bit pissed off that we now look like the bad guys all because the dad can never say no to his son!

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop you speak a lot of sense.

A lot of teenagers are pricks. And they do need pulling up on their attitudes.

@Malteser71 you are DNBU!

I think your husband is a dick for not telling you, you could then have taken your two and they could have maybe had a table of three on their own. I think your expectations were much higher after all the months of Covid restrictions and I would have felt disappointed and frustrated too just seeing that someone had bought one of their kids with them. Then if that child started holding court I would probably perceive it in the same way as I would a toddler misbehaving, not ideal at an adult gathering.
To be honest with you blokes can be spectacularly dense about social nuance.

Don’t dwell on it, book a meal out with a friend, your DH can entertain your DC at home

I wonder how the son would feel if he had a night planned out with some teenage friends and one of them brought his mum along, who proceeded to sit with them and tell them what they were doing wrong with their lives?

You are some woman to have not exploded.

I would be so pissed off at my husband.

But honestly, your husband is an awful tit.

I can understand your annoyance completely.

[quote GirlFridays]**@StillCoughingandLaughing

Charming.
Username does not check out.[/quote]
I disagree, actually. StillCoughing sounds like a lot more fun than many posters on this thread,

I'd have been annoyed too but not for long, it isn't that big a deal.

So, Tom couldn't tell Andy he already had other plans and couldn't see him so just invited him along without checking.

Andy thought it was perfectly fine to gatecrash someone else's dinner AND bring his teenager.

OP's DH didn't think to let her know in advance about what was happening.

Teenage boy thought it was perfectly ok to be a dick at a dinner table with adults.

Andy didn't think to put his kid back in his box.

BAN ALL MEN.

I'm really glad to see that it's almost unanimous for YANBU.
I was afraid that lots of people would think you should just lump it.

It sounds like Andy suggested seeing Tom as he was finding his own son to be hard work. Then Tom said 'Come on our evening out', and mentioned it to DH.
DH didn't feel it was important (to him) so didn't pass the info on.

Clearly DH was not viewing the evening out in the same way that you were, OP, and gave you no thought.

I can easily imagine my DH doing this because he's a 'life of the party' type and would simply get into a chat with the other guys and ignore the teenager.
I would be totally hacked off by it.

How about meeting up with Sue, just the two of you?

I think both of you are being unreasonable in different ways.

He, of course, should have told you. And you are right in that if you had boys of a similar age at home, it was odd to leave them and have one teen with you.

But, you had the other wife there, and you did not have to sit next to the teen.

I assume he was 16-17 from the sixth form comment, so he is not a young teen, and I would expect boys at that age to be able to join adult conversations.

Not sure what kind of adult conversations you wanted to have that a 16 year old can't join or listen to.
You don't have to "pander" to him and ask about school. That should just be an ice breaker, like asking another adult about their children or their job. Surely you'd ask his dad how his son was doing, as part of an adult conversation.

Maybe I'm quite biased in that I quite like teens. I think they can be great. And most adults are boring with their houses and jobs. Teens can be passionate, even if we don't agree with them, it should make for some interesting discussions. I quite like the conversations I have with my DS.

Also, you could have had an adult pontifying about veganism, easily. Surely, that's an adult conversation.

Not sure what kind of adult conversations you wanted to have that a 16 year old can't join or listen to.

Really?! There are soooo many things you can't talk about comfortably in front of teens. The dynamic is totally changed.

I love my teens too. I don't think the OP is saying she doesn't like teenagers. But a meal out with friends your own age who you have a shared history with is totally transformed by adding a teenager. My friends love my kids and vice versa, but none of us would dream of bringing them to a pre arranged night out.

There are soooo many things you can't talk about comfortably in front of teens. The dynamic is totally changed.

Such as?

Was the OP and others have a conversation about their sex lives in the middle of a restaurant, for example?