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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

140 replies

ChristmasAlone · 20/05/2021 12:38

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

OP posts:

FizzyPink · 20/05/2021 12:40

I’m confused. So you will apply to adopt as a couple but then once you’re approved split up and sell the house?
Would the easier option not be to just have a baby naturally and agree he won’t pay you maintenance or have any contact with the child?

Smarshian · 20/05/2021 12:43

Or just not being a baby into this situation which he will have parental responsibility for (and will impact on the child for their whole life!)
Just split up. Find someone else/ adopt alone, whatever.

Gemzee · 20/05/2021 12:43

Yeah the bit about adopting confused me as well!

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 20/05/2021 12:43

That makes no sense what so ever.

chipsandpeas · 20/05/2021 12:43

your appalling if you attempt this and thats me putting it politely

RunningFromInsanity · 20/05/2021 12:43

The whole thing is stupid.
Split up, go separate ways and you have the baby you want (adoption, donor etc) without involving him.

He would be a fool to have a baby with you, agreements about maintenance don’t mean anything.

DysmalRadius · 20/05/2021 12:45

In my experience, the adoption process is long and grueling and even the strongest relationships don't always survive. Are you planning to be honest about your intentions to spilt if you are approved? And is your partner planning to lie throughout about their desire to be a parent? I don't think you are thinking about the child in all this.

frogswimming · 20/05/2021 12:45

Split up, sell house and have a baby with someone who wants one.

Hardbackwriter · 20/05/2021 12:46

I'm hoping I've misread this - your plan is to deliberately mislead the adoption board by saying you're adopting as a couple but to be actually planning to 'split up' and move house, creating a lot of upheaval for a newly placed child?

Tinselandlights · 20/05/2021 12:47

It is incredibly unfair to put an adopted child through that upheaval.

It's a shame that your relationship hasn't worked out but adoption isn't an easy process. If during the process it came out that you are lying about being a couple and are instead planning to raise your child as a single parent (in itself, nothing wrong with that) then that would raise massive issues.

Hiding problems from an adoption panel is a huge red flag for them as it brings your integrity into question.

wildeverose · 20/05/2021 12:47

Yeah This is an absolutely appalling thing to even consider - I am actually shocked

Tuckedinbelly · 20/05/2021 12:50

This is shocking. Surely no one that wants to be a mother and have a family can possibly think this is a good idea? It's immoral and Frankly fucking stupid.

MilduraS · 20/05/2021 12:51

Put yourself in your potential child's shoes. They will have had a lifetime of upheaval and insecurity before being introduced to you both as their prospective parents. They'll move into the house thinking they finally have a family and a home. Then within months you split up, move them out and the man they thought was going to be their Dad disappears.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 20/05/2021 12:51

So you adopt a child who has been through significant trauma and abandonment. (As an absolute minimum they will already have been taken from birth parents and foster parents.)

Settle them in with you and “daddy”.

Then daddy fucks off never to be seen again?

Remember the child you adopt is a person.

Hopdathelf · 20/05/2021 12:52

Oh well, if there’s potential for. Loft conversion then go for it. Fuck about with a vulnerable child’s life all you want.

I really hope this is a troll.

OodieWoodie · 20/05/2021 12:52

It will all end in tears.

End it all now, sever all ties and move on with a nice clean slate for both of you.

tattychicken · 20/05/2021 12:53

Nope. That's a crap idea.

StellaLeonte · 20/05/2021 12:54

Horrifying.

Wuurg · 20/05/2021 12:55

Alternista · 20/05/2021 12:55

Do the renovations and give him his citizenship if you want to, whatever, but please, PLEASE don’t do the rest of it to an already traumatised child.

Overthebow · 20/05/2021 12:56

Where did adoption come into it? You can’t just adopt a child then split up. That’s awful.

emmathedilemma · 20/05/2021 12:56

So one minute this about splitting because you want kids and he doesn't and then the next it's about British citizenship (where did that come into it?!?) and adopting......??
Confused doesn't even cover it but if you're planning to apply for adoption as a couple and then split up that's pretty damn unfair on the child. Apply as a single parent if your goal out of this is to have a child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/05/2021 12:58

This really is quite shocking! How could you consider putting a vulnerable child through all of that?

Just split up. Do the renovations first by all means, but don’t bring a child into the mix until you’ve got stability sorted out. And why you need to adopt in any of this I’ve no idea!

Original poster

ChristmasAlone · 20/05/2021 12:58

@Alternista

Do the renovations and give him his citizenship if you want to, whatever, but please, PLEASE don’t do the rest of it to an already traumatised child.

His citizenship has nothing to do with us being together. He's got that after living here 10 years coming from an EU country.

OP posts:

andivfmakes3 · 20/05/2021 13:02

@Tuckedinbelly

This is shocking. Surely no one that wants to be a mother and have a family can possibly think this is a good idea? It's immoral and Frankly fucking stupid.

Absolutely this!

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