AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

[ChristmasAlone]

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

You are obviously wired much differently than most women, with all your grand plans for life. No idea if all this would work out. You never know what's on the hidden Horizon,Paradise or doom,

Yabvu

Very weird. You said in a previous thread that it wouldn’t be fair to dupe your dp into a pregnancy so I’m not sure how you came to the conclusion that it was fair to pretend to the adoption agency that you were to remain a couple. Doesn’t sound very fair to them or the child. Totally batshit. It’s clear you have absolutely no idea of how adoption works but that’s been pointed out. Just sell the house and find another partner who wants kids?

Are you quite young OP?

You need to sit down and think about what the needs of children are - I mean in general, let alone the needs of adopted children with attachment wounds.

@AbsentmindedWoman

Are you quite young OP?

You need to sit down and think about what the needs of children are - I mean in general, let alone the needs of adopted children with attachment wounds.

Yes, this really is an appalling idea. Please read about the complications of attachment, which is a huge issue for adopted children.

Imagine promising that child, and those who care for him or her consistency, and care, and a permanent loving home. And then uprooting where that child lives, separating the child from their permanent care givers again etc.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/complex-issue-attachment-disorders

The idea of it makes me feel physically sick.

What on Earth?! Op, what you are suggesting is fraudulent and not to mention highly unethical.

The adoption bit is absolutely bonkers. Everything else is fine.

I wouldn't even buy furniture or get a puppy with someone I was planning to split with. No way you can have/adopt a baby with him

You'll never get approved, they'll see right through you. Hopefully.

I mean this is just so completely fucked up I advanced searched the op as I thought troll. But non, legit bizarre character.

Please don't do this, think of the child in all this. They will have have been through a lot already and then just as they think they'll have a stable life you'll put them through more upheaval.
My cousin and her husband adopted. Not only did it take over a year but the amount of counselling and questions and interviews was gruelling.
It was stressful. They considered adopting again a couple of years later but decided they couldn't face it again.

As things stand with DP we are both very happy besides me wanting a child and him not, this is the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and I just can't imagine being with someone else and this seemed like a semi logical plan

I would think you need to look at IVF with a donor. Adoption isn't a reasonable solution here.

This is the kind of incredible misunderstanding that arises from the throwaway remarks we so often see on threads about infertility - "why not just adopt?"!!
People end up thinking that adopting is like going supermarket shopping.
I'm glad someone has explained it to you OP. As well as being immoral, your idea was doomed to failure. I would suggest you consider the donor option if you're keen to have children. My ex decided he didn't want kids, and that's what I did.

fucking hell this is so so horrific

Most U AIBU I've ever seen

All about yourself and your boyfriend. Neither one of you sounds well placed to have a child at all.

No way is this true.

No one could be this unthinking, selfish and vacuous.

So a child you adopt gets to live with you both for a month, then has to move to a new house and watch you split up?!? A child that has already had a traumatic start to life to the point where they are no longer with their parents?!? What a baffling and self-centred plan.

No. That would be lying to the adoption agency. The child is supposed to be going to a two parent home. Not a single parent home.

Don't think I can add anything to the general chorus, I am glad you have taken it on board.

I think you need to mourn your relationship before making plans for what comes afterwards. Certainly can't bring someone very vulnerable into that, as others have said the process is extremely gruelling anyway - for good reasons!

This has got to be a joke, surely.

How about embryo adoption? You go it alone. Have all the say in the child's life. I wouldn't want to share the responsibility of parenting/decision making with someone who didn't want to be involved. Embryo adoption is pretty straight forward in most European countries and costs about 3k. Sell your house and you could use some equity to do that.

How old are you?

The process of being approved as an adopter is long and hard. Adoption can be very hard. Don't go into it thinking you can just split up in the future. It's not far on a child/children who has e already had a difficult start in life to adopt them knowing you're not committed to each other.

@MilduraS

Put yourself in your potential child's shoes. They will have had a lifetime of upheaval and insecurity before being introduced to you both as their prospective parents. They'll move into the house thinking they finally have a family and a home. Then within months you split up, move them out and the man they thought was going to be their Dad disappears.

THIS!

What a selfish suggestion - honestly, I can scarcely believe that anyone would entertain such a thought seriously.

This is a child - not a goldfish.

Can you not have children biologically? If you can why not go through sperm donation instead rather than fucking around with an adopted child's emotions and wait till your single first