AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

[ChristmasAlone]

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

I think you're suggesting pretending to be a couple in order to adopt a vulnerable dc without the intention of him being involved. I don't think that is a good idea at all.

What's going to happen during this theoretical interim period when one of you finds a new partner?

@MilduraS

Put yourself in your potential child's shoes. They will have had a lifetime of upheaval and insecurity before being introduced to you both as their prospective parents. They'll move into the house thinking they finally have a family and a home. Then within months you split up, move them out and the man they thought was going to be their Dad disappears.

This. Stop thinking about what you want, we're talking about a traumatised small child who doesn't need more trauma added to his/her life again. Your plan may sound rational to you, but you can't just explain it like that to a child you're adopting.

You won’t be able to fool the social workers that you are serious about adopting. You and your husband will have to lie again and again. For months and months of meetings.

Hopefully the adoption agency will see you're not strong enough as a couple and refuse you straightaway.
What a selfish person you are OP.

How dreadfully selfish of you. Split up and have a baby alone or with a new partner. Please don't adopt. You don't seem to know the first thing about trauma.

Your post reads like it's asking about how you'd split the house fairly when you break up but then you casually chuck in the fact you want to adopt a child so you get to be a mother and then you break up, keep the child and send him on his merry way?

Bonkers!

That's a terrible and selfish idea.

This is one of the most bonkers posts I've read on here.

I thought maybe I'd misread and it was a term I'd not heard of in conjunction with renovations.. but no it seems just casually chucking in that you want to deceive an adoption board then split up.

Please don't do this, split up, meet someone who does want children!

I was adopted.
My parents split up, less than amicably, and I had that to deal with along with the trauma of being given up by my biological parents.
Adopted children do NOT have the same needs as children who stay with their biological parents. They need stability, often more reassurance as have abandonment issues etc. Its truly complex and while you have the intention to stay friends, this doesn't always happen. So you will legally have a child with someone who you have no intention staying with.
The child will legally be his.
Legally you can claim child support payments from him.

The child potentially may have nothing to do with either their biological parents OR their new adoptive father.
Double rejection.
Think about it!!!
If I was a mother who adopted our my child and discovered the people had deceived the system...i would be heartbroken.

Lying about your relationship and living arrangements would be appalling of talking to a puppy breeder. Your thinking about doing or with a child.
Disgusting.

If I had any idea that one of my friends or family were thinking this way I would immediately be telling the adoption agency to block that approval.

I would rather lose that relationship than find out that a vulnerable child is being brought into this situation

@chipsandpeas

your appalling if you attempt this and thats me putting it politely

Yeah I agree. How selfish!.

You absolutely will not get approved to adopt. It is a rigorous process that investigates every aspect of your life. We had twenty hours of invasive interviews and they interviewed three close family and friends for three hours each. They vetted employment, financial status and made us undergo assessment of our attachment styles. It took over six months each time.

Then if you are approved, there is a matching process where they see if you can meet the needs of an often traumatized child (babies are rare). The matching process can take up to two years depending on suitable children etc.

Should a child be placed with you then you have to have regular visits from social workers and health visitors (weekly, then fortnightly then the frequency lessens). If they think your relationship or the child is in any way not stable, then the placement fails and the adoption process halts. After ten weeks of placement you can apply for the adoption order with SW support that may or may not be contested by the birth family. Getting an adoption order can take between three months and a few years...

You have a very limited understanding of adopting a child, it is not the same as adopting a rescue dog.

I'm a bit confused. So, OP, you want to pretend to be a couple to facilitate the process of adopting a child? Until when, after the child (if approved) comes home? Then your partner just leaves? Have you even thought about the kid in all this or is it all about citizenship and loft conversions? If you and your partner remain good friends, the child will have this man in its life who just wandered off as soon as the adoption process was complete. That will feel like rejection.

I get the impression you might be someone who easily gets bogged down in practicalities and processes and loses sight of the wider picture. Are you trying to hold onto the relationship as long as possible despite knowing you're fundamentally incompatible?

I'm not sure from your OP whether you've ruled out natural conception for whatever reason (apologies if I have missed it) but have you considered IVF using donor sperm so that you have a child as a single woman and if you wish, can meet a new partner in due course?

How deceitful.
Go it alone but don't do what you've suggested (how you can even suggest such a thing is beyond me).

What on earth are you talking about?

Aside from the issues around bringing a child into this, why would your partner put himself through the adoption process? It’s not filling in a quick form!

Why in heavens name would you think it's acceptable to put a child through that? It's bad enough when coming from the instability of needing to be adopted.
Do you know anything about the adoption process? You don't appear to.

Split up, divide the profit and build a life and family with someone that actually wants it.

This is shocking.

@Tooshytoshine

You absolutely will not get approved to adopt. It is a rigorous process that investigates every aspect of your life. We had twenty hours of invasive interviews and they interviewed three close family and friends for three hours each. They vetted employment, financial status and made us undergo assessment of our attachment styles. It took over six months each time.

Then if you are approved, there is a matching process where they see if you can meet the needs of an often traumatized child (babies are rare). The matching process can take up to two years depending on suitable children etc.

Should a child be placed with you then you have to have regular visits from social workers and health visitors (weekly, then fortnightly then the frequency lessens). If they think your relationship or the child is in any way not stable, then the placement fails and the adoption process halts. After ten weeks of placement you can apply for the adoption order with SW support that may or may not be contested by the birth family. Getting an adoption order can take between three months and a few years...

You have a very limited understanding of adopting a child, it is not the same as adopting a rescue dog.

Congratulations on your adoption and thank you for giving an insight into the procedure. Yes you're right I don't know the ins and outs of what the process entails. As things stand with DP we are both very happy besides me wanting a child and him not, this is the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and I just can't imagine being with someone else and this seemed like a semi logical plan. I'll talk with him tonight and let him know that it is not reasonable.

As well as being an unrealistic “plan”, you realise in the event it somehow worked out that you could adopt a child together, he would be the child’s LEGAL parent?

Would you really wish to fuck up a child this way- oh, he’s not really your dad, you are adopted, and he didn’t want children anyway”.

Children, adopted or not, are your children, not objects.

Is there a reason you can’t get pg and have a child?
Adoption would be a terrible idea in your circumstances and probably wouldn’t even happen but if you are happy to be a single parent there are other ways to achieve that

You sound insane.

Why would you try to adopt a vulnerable child with a man who doesn't want children?

Do you really think social services won't cop onto the fact he doesn't want children?

Why did you bring his residency into it if he already has it?

What the fuck has Bob got to do with things? Staying friends with one ex doesn't mean it'll be the same with a different ex.

right. I need to post to follow this mad thread. Just whut.

Your plan is shocking. Utterly, jaw droppingly awful.
On behalf of all the children awaiting adoption - fu.

Do you definitely want to adopt? If so you can do that alone.

Or you could try fostering, which you can also do a s a single person.

I'm confused.

I sort of get the part about you two continuing to live in the house in order to hopefully sell laterfor a big profit once renovations are complete. If you think you can stick it out together for that long without WW3 breaking out then it might be workable.

But... why are you talking about adopting a child together? Wtf?! Please, please tell me that I've misunderstood your OP.