AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

[ChristmasAlone]

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

Speaking as an adopted child, I really hope you’re a troll and this is a “joke”.

I actually think you sound a little unhinged. In no way shape or form is this a good idea. This is about a real life, most likely traumatised child. Who you are going to cause more instability and fuck them up further. Dick move. Huge dick move.

Wouldn't it be a million times easier to get PG on a one night stand / sperm donation? Still not amazing for the future child but you don't seem to care about that.

You can adopt as a single person, OP. That would be much better for all sorts of reasons. Or you can pay for fertility treatment as a single person with donor sperm.

You don’t have to give up on parenthood. But you absolutely shouldn’t make any parenthood plans with a man who doesn’t want children.

What a bonkers plan!

If you want different things then split up. I’m sure you’ll meet someone else that equally wants kids.

I am really hoping that this OP is a hairy handed txxxx. If you are genuine, I think you should seriously reconsider becoming a parent by any means. The fact that you have even spoken about this with your partner and mooted the idea tells me that you clearly do not have a child’s best interests at heart. Your “idea” is absolutely appalling and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

I don't think op is a troll. Look at their previous posts.

Unfortunately some people really are this thick, ignorant and selfish.
There are fucking idiots everywhere

It is of course a horrible, unethical plan but at least you have sought opinions and are (hopefully) taking them on board.

I think you need to stop, take a deep breath and rethink.

You are looking at what would work for you. You're looking at what will work for him.

You need to think about what would work for a child.

As digestive who has been through the adoptive process, they will see straight through you. If you are approved as a couple you will have to go to matching panel as a couple, the legal documents will have him on the adoption certificate, he will have parental rights and responsibilities. Agree with others, split up, adopt alone/use a donor.

Hang on, so you’re thinking of staying together as a pretend couple in order for you to adopt? Have I read that right?

This is horrific. The children who are able to be adopted have normally been through such a terrible time that adoption is the last resort. Many have long term psychological implications from what they've been through. How the fuck you would even think it's acceptable to try and contemplate adopting under false pretences is beyond words. I am absolutely disgusted by this.

Despite the obvious trauma for a child, his do you think you'll explain to an adoption agency why you're not having a child in the 'normal' way.

You'll talk with him tonight and let him know it's not reasonable??

So who came up with this mad hat plan?? Him or you?? And how could you even think this might be reasonable, morally or otherwise?? What on earth is wrong with you!!

OP if you want to get pregnant quickly, assuming you are fertile, you can. Donor sperm, assisted conception... there's all sorts out there, ethical and otherwise. Leaving aside the morality of what you wrote in your OP, there are more direct ways to achieve your goal without dragging your OH along.

I thought you were going to say get pregnant by him, split up, sell the house and raise the child alone.

I was going to say why not just split up sell the house and find someone who wants a family?

I still can't picture why you'd bring an adopted child seeking stability into this ... plus ALL the other points made by everyone else.

So you want to con the adoption agency into giving you a child?

What!?

Adopted children have experienced so much trauma.

Why would you want to go through the gruelling adoption process together and then put a child through introductions, potentially adopt a child and then buy them through yet more adversity!?

Adoption should be about what’s best for the child.

I think it would be profoundly immoral to have a child with someone you know doesn’t want children and isn’t going to be your partner in the long run. Sometimes things don’t work out and children end up without their parents together and everyone just has to make the best of it, but to actively plan to give a child what sounds like an incredibly risky and potentially dysfunctional relationship is a shitty, selfish thing to do.

Why can't you make a baby with him, he doesn't have to be on the Birth Cert. You can get some sort of document drawn up absolving him of all responsibility.
You sell the house & go your separate ways.

That’s mental

One of the most eye-wateringly selfish things I think I've ever read on this site.

@Hardbackwriter

I'm hoping I've misread this - your plan is to deliberately mislead the adoption board by saying you're adopting as a couple but to be actually planning to 'split up' and move house, creating a lot of upheaval for a newly placed child?

It sounds that way.

OP have you even thought about the child in all of this?

What on earth are you thinking?

Children who are up for adoption are generally those who have been through trauma. They need a stable family, and there are numerous reasons why it is better for them to be placed with a couple than a single person.

I really don't think you have thought this through or looked into the reality of parenting an adopted child.

Please don't do this.

I hope this is fake. What is the 'logic' for an adopted child being the solution to one of you wanting a child and the other one not?
What has being adopted got to do with only one of you wanting to parent? Because the father won't be genetically related?

Please don't have any child of any sort while you're so clueless about what parenting entails and your actual responsibilities towards giving a child a life.

Do you know what it takes to be accepted as adoptive parents? Friends went through it (successfully). It’s very involved and intense. They ask a lot of questions.

If dh is happy to accept an adopted child (which will be legally his), why don’t you just conceive together, and then put your plan into operation about splitting up and selling the house. It will be a lot quicker and the end result is the same. You get your child.

You need to take some time to grieve the end of your marriage. It's sensible that you have taken the decision to separate when you want different things.

You cannot adopt a child in these circumstances. I'm rather disgusted that you think adoption is even appropriate because adoption is about the child, not about you.