AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

[ChristmasAlone]

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

@boomboom1234

So a child you adopt gets to live with you both for a month, then has to move to a new house and watch you split up?!? A child that has already had a traumatic start to life to the point where they are no longer with their parents?!? What a baffling and self-centred plan.

This. FGS, can you even pretend that you have stopped for a moment to consider what you will be doing to the poor child?? You don't deserve to be a parent if you haven't.

I think @Tooshytoshine gave you the most valuable answer. My lifelong friends are currently going through the adoption process and it’s stressful and heartbreaking enough to watch from the sidelines, I can’t imagine what it must feel like going through it.

I think if it is an absolute dealbreaker then unfortunately your best bet is to sell up and go your separate ways. I follow a woman on Twitter who wants really a baby but her husband doesn’t. She’s always talking about how hard it is and has a little box of children’s clothing and books but she loves her husband and ultimately probably won’t ever have children. Sorry OP, I know it’s hard but I hope it works out for you.

This has to be one of the most stupid things I've ever read on here, and that's quite a feat.

OP did one smart thing, though. She ran it past the Mumsnet jury before embarking on the crazy plan. A smart dose of reality, even if it stings, and she can save a world of pain and confusion - much of it not hers.

I’m not going to be as polite as some people. As an adopted person and a parent who has themselves adopted - if you dare to bring an innocent child who has already experience loss and probably some trauma into this ‘family’ then you are disgusting human being. Grow up, move on and find your family elsewhere. Children are not a commodity to buy

You are being super selfish - by all means do the renovations, I think it is perfectly feasible to remain on good terms while doing that, but adopting a child often takes years and they have been through enough without then seeing you split up a month later. In the UK very very few adopted children are small babies that wouldn't notice. Can't you conceive biologically? You could use the money from the renovations for IVF... And most adoption boards consider single parents on the same terms as couples anyway so I don't see why you need to be in a couple at all???

Whaaaat!?! 🤔

This is one of the most bonkers things I've read on MN in quite some time. 🥴

Assuming you’re not a troll and just insane and incredibly selfish.

I’m a parent through adoption, being a single parent and being a single adoptive parent really isn’t comparable (unless you have a birth child with significant additional needs).

My son was a toddler when he came to me, hes now almost six. He is doing very well, that doesn’t mean his needs are at all similar to the average birth child. I can’t put food in the bin as he will eat it, given the chance he also eats out of the bin at school and public bins. He finds self soothing very hard, if I don’t go to bed with him he fairly aggressively rocks himself to sleep, he throws himself about so much doing this he has given himself motion sickness before. He doesn’t trust, at times that includes me, this leads to him being hypervigiliant, but he also expresses behaviour that is uncomfortable to witness as he has a very strong urge to please. He is essentially unable to regulate his emotions, this leads to quite traumatic meltdowns, this often involves him harming himself, me or his surroundings.

His needs aren’t unusual for an adopted child, his needs are minor compared to many adopted children. I work part time, I’m lucky that I have a fairly well paying job so I can afford this, my son would never cope if I worked fulltime. I recently had a trial of working three long days rather than four short days, this meant my son was in after school club three days a week until 5:15pm. It was an absolute disaster to the point of him being too distressed to go to school on the fourth day. So I’m back working four short days.

Transition to primary school was a nightmare, he would be so distressed he would often vomit, it took about eight weeks for him to complete a full day at school. Thankfully I can work flexibly, otherwise I coule have lost my job.

Adopted children don’t get better, often coping mechanisms develop, but for many adopted children new ‘issues’ develop throughout their lives. When you adopt you’re making a commitment not until they’re 18, but until the day you die as they will often need a higher level of support compared to a birth child. He is my absolute priority and he always will be, no matter how old I am.

It can take a long time for an adoption order to be granted, my sons took almost two years for various reasons. So are you really saying you’ll live with your husband until the adoption order is signed and then yet remove another adult (and that adults family) from the child, causing further trauma and making attachment disorder etc worse.

@LondonStone

I think *@Tooshytoshine* gave you the most valuable answer. My lifelong friends are currently going through the adoption process and it’s stressful and heartbreaking enough to watch from the sidelines, I can’t imagine what it must feel like going through it.

I think if it is an absolute dealbreaker then unfortunately your best bet is to sell up and go your separate ways. I follow a woman on Twitter who wants really a baby but her husband doesn’t. She’s always talking about how hard it is and has a little box of children’s clothing and books but she loves her husband and ultimately probably won’t ever have children. Sorry OP, I know it’s hard but I hope it works out for you.

@LondonStone hope things smoothly for your friend. It is quite a harrowing and emotionally wrought process, where you feel immensely vulnerable and entirely powerless. Then you hopefully get a child to love and cherish.

Our kids are wonderful, I cannot imagine loving them more than I do. It has been entirely worth it, but I never recommend adoption to people and am not entirely sure if I knew what I know now I would do it again...

OP, I would say adoption isn't for you at this time in your life.

I apologies to anyone that I have offended in this thread. Last couple of days I have not been thinking rationally, DP is the person I genuinely thought I'd spend the rest of my life with and couldn't imagine starting another relationship with anyone else, but have definitely taken everything on board what people have said.

Sorry GL

@ChristmasAlone

I apologies to anyone that I have offended in this thread. Last couple of days I have not been thinking rationally, DP is the person I genuinely thought I'd spend the rest of my life with and couldn't imagine starting another relationship with anyone else, but have definitely taken everything on board what people have said.

Sorry GL

I did say earlier I think you need to mourn your relationship.

Thinking a wacky thought doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you

At least you've come back to the thread to face the music. Many wouldn't. All the best. It's a tough situation.

Well yes you certainly aren't thinking straight as this is an awful suggestion but I'm glad you've taken on board these comments and the outrage. Has your DP changed his mind about not wanting children or has this always been the case?

Well done for coming back on and agreeing that you were being unreasonable - it's not unusual for people to just disappear and never come back when told that they are being unreasonable quite so decisively. You are right that the end of your relationship has affected your rationality, and there's no shame in that - don't make any big decisions for a bit, and be kind to yourself. Work out a fair split of assets and give yourself some down-time without seeking a new DP immediately. When you are ready, love will come again.

Big hug. Sorry I was really critical too. I just saw the trees of your adoption plan and not the wood of your distress.