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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is realistic to work?

140 replies

ChristmasAlone · 20/05/2021 12:38

I want children DP doesn't, we spoke yesterday properly about it.

We've had some lockdown being under each others feet type arguments lately but no more than what I think most people have experienced over the last year.

It's clear he doesn't not want children now and I do. We have a house that is very nice and has massive potential to add extra value (loft conversion half done by previous owner, connected brick outbuilding for office conversion) plus location will only see value of house increase.

We have no issue with one another, but understand longterm it will not work because of children. Would like to remain friends with each other after we part ways, one of my best friends is an ex from uni that we just wasn't suitable as a couple so I know it can work. DP gets on with ex and when I said about remaining friends he said yes I would like to have a relationship like you and Bob do further down the line.

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

If we get approved will stay a month or so then put the property up for sale, split the money down the middle. We've always put equal amounts into monthly payments, he paid slightly more deposit when took the mortgage but it's not even worth discussing, around the 2k mark.

If we aren't approved cut loses and again sell.

This was a suggestion I made after originally talking and about it and then going for a walk last night.

Am I being stupid and this in the real world just won't work out and will be arguing and hating each other within the month?

OP posts:

PragmaticWench · 20/05/2021 14:15

Aside from the adoption fantasy...

If you love your DP enough to have wanted to stay with him and have children together if he'd wanted children, then I really don't see how you'd cope with just bring his friend. It would tear you up inside to see him and not be able to be with him properly. Utterly destroy you. Unless you don't actually truly love him now?

lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 14:18

Absolutely fucking disgraceful and that is me putting it politely.

You think that lying over months to become the parent of child who will have experienced significant trauma and loss knowing all the while that you intend to inflict further trauma and loss on them is any sort of parenting?

Adoption is to provide stable and loving homes to children who by that point will have lost at least one home possibly more.

Successful adopters are able to recognize the experiences of their children and center their emotional needs.

I would suggest you are some way off this point. It is however perfectly possible to adopt as a single person.

gobbog · 20/05/2021 14:18

This is absolutely horrific and I hope to god it isn't true.

A child isn't a commodity!

SixDegrees · 20/05/2021 14:20

I really hope this is fake.
Adopting a child while planning to split up with you DP afterwards is a terrible and cruel idea.

Bluesheep8 · 20/05/2021 14:21

From what I know from a friend who has been through the adoption process, you would absolutely be found out for lying.
I imagine that would then preclude you from adopting in the future.

Confusedandshaken · 20/05/2021 14:23

If you want a child so badly, do the obvious thing. Split up from this man and find a partner who will be a loving father to any future children, whether biological or adopted.

Your plan is both ludicrous and selfish. The thought that an already damaged child should be given to two people who put property development and profit ahead of the child's emotional needs is obscene.

TheSoapyFrog · 20/05/2021 14:26

WTF? I don't think you're fit to adopt a puppy let alone a child if this is really a plan you've concocted. Leave your husband as you want different things. Find someone who does want children and be with them. Or (and I think this might be best as you strike me as a bit unhinged and selfish); stay with your husband and don't have any children.

UnbeatenMum · 20/05/2021 14:27

Are you thinking of adopting so the child wouldn't be biologically his? Or for another reason? Either way you can adopt as a single person so I don't know why you'd go through all that deception.

Blossomtoes · 20/05/2021 14:27

Let me put this delicately - it’s fucking lunacy. Not to mention fraudulent, unethical and immoral. Wtf are you on, OP?

Moondust001 · 20/05/2021 14:29

All the rest of the stuff is up to you.

But you are being unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate of a child by pretending you are adopting as a couple then splitting a few months later.

Tana433 · 20/05/2021 14:30

Frankly you dont sound mature enough to even think about caring for a child, adopted or otherwise. Its a bonkers and totally immoral idea.

diddl · 20/05/2021 14:31

If you want kids, why wouldn't you leave this relationship & look for a relationship with someone who also wants kids?

Beautiful3 · 20/05/2021 14:32

No you can't mess with vunerable child. That child needs a stable home. You shouldn't be thinking like this, it can affect the child. Honestly the best plan is to split up, sell the property and meet someone who wants children.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 20/05/2021 14:32

When you're talking about your life, make all the decisions you want to, but you CANNOT even think to bring another persons life into your mess.

Especially one who may have experienced previous trauma.

This is one of the most selfish things I have ever read and I hope to god you're a troll.

Atalantea · 20/05/2021 14:33

I don't understand why you put
Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

And then

His citizenship has nothing to do with us being together. He's got that after living here 10 years coming from an EU country.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 20/05/2021 14:34

Discussion was, complete the renervations on the house, let him have a year of being a British Citizen and then apply for adoption as a couple.

You can adopt a child as a single person. You can't adopt a child as a couple if you plan to split up, that is not fair on the child who will already have experienced disruption and trauma from losing their birth family. You might be accepted into the adoption process as a stable single parent; you wouldn't be accepted as a couple who intend to split. And yes, adoption social workers will interview both of you inside out and backwards to check the strength of your relationship.

Also, trying to live together while planning to separate is very likely to blow up in both your faces. This sounds like a fantasy scheme trying to have your cake and eat it. But emotionally it doesn't add up. If you mean it then separate.

butterpuffed · 20/05/2021 14:35

Hard to believe how unrealistic and selfish you're being.

Apart from anything else , you're acknowledging what posters are saying , and saying you'll tell him you're being unreasonable tonight.

It's absolutely crazy that you couldn't see this without posters' views

MoodyMooToo · 20/05/2021 14:42

I would just sell now and get out of the relationship. You could try adopting as a single parent or wait to meet someone who wants children.

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 14:45

Its a mad idea. You can't adopt if one of you doesnt want children. Its dreadful.

mistermagpie · 20/05/2021 14:47

Your adoption plan is pretty disgusting and wouldn't work anyway but I think you see that now.

If you want a child you can adopt alone or go down the artificial insemination route. I have friends who have done both and have very happy families. No need to involve your husband at all.

museumum · 20/05/2021 14:48

You can adopt as a single person. But only if you are suitable and they find a match that is suitable.

However, I don't think you understand anything about what an adopted child might need from their new parent(s) so I wouldn't advise this.

If you split up and it really does go all perfectly maybe he'd be your sperm donor?

Itsprobablynothingbut · 20/05/2021 14:50

*Apart from anything else , you're acknowledging what posters are saying , and saying you'll tell him you're being unreasonable tonight.

It's absolutely crazy that you couldn't see this without posters' views*

This. Did you honestly think, even briefly, that it would be ok to try and dupe the adoption services to try and adopt a vulnerable child under false pretences?

Snakeprint · 20/05/2021 14:54

I’m goad to see you are not going ahead with the terrible idea. Are you wanting to hedge your bets by having a child before you split? If so, Im afraid its a chance your going to have to take (single adoption/fostering or meeting someone else)

fruitbrewhaha · 20/05/2021 14:54

Jesus, I've read some weird stuff on here but this tops most of it.

What on earth possessed you both to think this could be a plan? Even without understanding the adoption process you must have realised you'd be bringing a child to live with you both and then going, "oh shit, Daddy and Mummy are splitting up now and you are going to have to move house and school again and say goodbye to another parent". You've thought more about how to split your assets.

I actually don't think you are cut out for parenting, I wouldn't let you have a rescue dog.

TableFlowerss · 20/05/2021 14:55

@fruitbrewhaha

Jesus, I've read some weird stuff on here but this tops most of it.

I actually don't think you are cut out for parenting, I wouldn't let you have a rescue dog.

Jesus, I've read some weird stuff on here but this tops most of it

😂🤣

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