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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
AlfrescoDining · 20/05/2021 12:25

Do you need to charge DD? I'd stop doing so.

Meowchickameowmeow · 20/05/2021 12:25

Why will you be sending him money?

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 12:27

An apprenticeship wage at that age is very very low and I’d consider her still in a form of education. I think funding one at uni whilst taking money off a low wage apprentice is pretty shit frankly.

Havehope21 · 20/05/2021 12:27

I would look at it no different to one working at the other not. If a child is earning money and has disposable income, it is only fair they pay rent. If the other is still in education, then they don't. If they both had the same opportunities to go to university, I don't think you are being unfair.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:28

@AlfrescoDining

Do you need to charge DD? I'd stop doing so.
We had long conversations when she started work about contributing to the bills and food and how important it is to get used to not having your whole monthly wage to keep right from the start. I’d rather not go back on that.
OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:28

@Meowchickameowmeow

Why will you be sending him money?
Maintenance grant will only cover two thirds of rent, for a start.
OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:29

@SnarkyBag

An apprenticeship wage at that age is very very low and I’d consider her still in a form of education. I think funding one at uni whilst taking money off a low wage apprentice is pretty shit frankly.
She’s on 12k a year, it’s a high wage for an apprenticeship.

Funnily enough I was unsure about charging her but had a thread on here at the time which swayed me. There are lots of good reasons to have her contribute to the household.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 20/05/2021 12:30

Can you still charge DD but ringfence it for a deposit later? dS will hopefully have more earning potential when he gets going.

zaffa · 20/05/2021 12:31

I'd save the money she gives you and give it to her when she is ready to move out as a best egg she has built up, and add in an equal amount of the same value that you are sending to DS to ensure it is fair.

zaffa · 20/05/2021 12:31

*nest egg

Usernameismyname01 · 20/05/2021 12:31

Mine know that whilst in full time education, they do not contribute towards the house, once working (part time or full) the pay their keep.

Its not up for discussion, dont go there with your DD - if it gets mentioned, tell her as a matter of fact and that if she chose to carry on with her education you would support.

buckingmad · 20/05/2021 12:31

Can you put aside the money you charge your child for rent and give it back to them when they buy a house/car etc? That way you are teaching them that their net income does not equal disposable income but you have effectively not charged them because you have given it back?

I do think they're not comparable though. One child is in education and one is working. Tbf though depending on the degree and hours spent studying, I quite easily managed a part time job at uni which meant my parent's contribution went purely on bills and rent and the money I earnt was for going out, holidays and fun stuff.

misselphaba · 20/05/2021 12:33

25% seems harsh. I don't know how I'd feel if I was in her shoes. I'd expect DB to get a job and pay his own rent for a start.

Hardbackwriter · 20/05/2021 12:34

I think this is the best idea too.

Remember - and maybe remind DD if she does show any resentment! - that in the long run your DS is going to have a lot of debt that she doesn't. You're also still very much subsidising her - if you're charging her 25% of £12k then that's less than £250 a month for rent, bills and food, so it's hardly like you're charging her commercial rates to make a profit off her

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 12:35

Well what are the reasons? Based on the info you’ve given so far I still feel YABU.

Has your ds got a part time job to start saving and findkng his living costs?

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:35

Ideally we’ll save it for her but I don’t want to let on that I am. So there’s every chance she’s going to get pissy at some point that she’s paying and he’s not.

I might be overthinking. There was a lot of inequality between me and my siblings (house deposits, first cars etc, I had none of those) and I’m a bit over sensitive to it.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 20/05/2021 12:35

Sorry, first line was supposed to refer to @zaffa's post suggesting saving her money to offer her as a deposit later!

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 12:37

I would expect her to be funding everything for herself bar rent and food on 12k.

Owesye · 20/05/2021 12:37

I’m blown away you’re charging when she’s on £12k a year! Seems really mean and unfair. They’ve got plenty of time in life to pay rent and mortgages and bills m. Glad my parents doesn’t have this thought process!

sashagabadon · 20/05/2021 12:37

Reduce dd’s rent to 5% of take home and save it for her

Blueskythinking123 · 20/05/2021 12:37

I have been very consistent with my dialogue with my DC as they finished compulsory education. They are fully aware that while they remain in education they are not expected to contribute to the household financially and I will support where needed. If they are working and living at home they will be expected to contribute to the household budget. There are no grey areas and both DC fully understand the household expectations.

Both DC are either at uni or A levels at the moment, so your situation has not arose.

When they are on holiday (not at school/uni). There is an expectation they contribute to the household by completing jobs. I.e gardening, cleaning, cooking etc. Not all contributions need to be financial, but they do need to play their part in running a successful household.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:37

She’s still going to have a LOT more walking around money than he will, so that’s something.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 20/05/2021 12:39

It's a concern.
I'm still shocked when I hear of working, adult, DC not paying board.

Then people are surprised when they can't budget an end up in bad debt.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 20/05/2021 12:39

Perhaps your DS should get a job and pay some of the shortfall himself, or go to a cheaper university.

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 12:41

@BelleClapper

She’s still going to have a LOT more walking around money than he will, so that’s something.
Yes because she’s working a job and earning it, he’s not!
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