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One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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UrAWizHarry · 20/05/2021 13:32

"As far as she can see, you are taking money from her and giving it to her older brother. "

The op isn't though. DD has an agreement to help cover bills etc whilst she is in work and is earning a pretty decent wage for someone with no other outgoings.

DS will need support to go to university. That is an entirely seperate matter.

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toocold54 · 20/05/2021 13:33

I think if they are in education or doing an apprenticeship then they shouldn’t have to contribute.
I do like the idea of you keeping the money safe for her and teaching her responsibilities etc but if I was her and I was doing long hours everyday for crap money and then giving a chunk away whilst my brother was getting given money for not doing much I’d end up quitting the apprenticeship and just going to university instead.

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WhyNotNow21 · 20/05/2021 13:33

Have you thought about this long-term and long-term earning prospects?

For example, supposing your DD is training to be hairdresser as an apprentice. What is her long-term earning potential going to be?

I don't know what the average salary for a hairdresser is but it's not that high.

If your DS is studying something like Law, he is far more likely to earn a much higher wage than your DD long-term. Solicitors earn more than hairdressers.

Additionally, if your DD was ever to have children, the chances are she'd need to take a career break and will have her earnings dented.

Your DS, blessed as the male sex, may well not have that holding him back and he will continue to work.

I'd look at this as a 10/20 year thing.

I think the other thing is you must offer to DD that if she ever wanted to go to university, you'd be willing to fund her too.

It's not fair that one child should get all the benefits. I have a completely different view to you. I think your DS is actually the winner here, your DD is penalised for staying at home. Awful.

If it was me personally, I'd not be taking money from my DD. If she's getting £1000 per month, she'd be expected to save at least 50% of that if not more. That's £100 per week spending money left over. That money is for a car, for a house, for something special. Teach her to save, don't save it for her, yourself. Teach her to be responsible.

I'd suggest she take out cash ISA - even a stocks and shares ISA and put in the FTSE 100 every month, £500 per month. That's what I'm doing for my kids (not that much money sadly!), they're younger than yours but if they can't earn a big wage, at least they'll have long term stocks etc and it's all tax free.

Teach her to grow her money. And your DS too when the time comes.



And yes, offer her 3 years of extra funded education somewhere too, if she should want it in the future.

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titchy · 20/05/2021 13:33

You could of course always suggest to her that you will give her the same amount as you give your ds, as long as she agrees that in three years time she owes you £50k - the same amount of loan that your ds will have to repay from his salary.Wink

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DelurkingAJ · 20/05/2021 13:34

What course he is doing and where will impact this. I studied chemistry and by my third year was expected in labs fives days a week 11-5 plus four sets of supervisions for which work was handed in each week plus lectures 9-11.

Even in my first year it was lecture SIX mornings a week plus labs three afternoons a week plus the four supervisions.

I had a summer job.

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Lightswitchesoffatnight · 20/05/2021 13:34

My daughter worked in a bar when she was at uni and worked full time as a waitress in the hols. I would insist your DS does this to help pay his way.

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Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2021 13:35

@SnarkyBag

I would expect her to be funding everything for herself bar rent and food on 12k.

Sorry for my ignorance, but what is there except rent and food when you live with your parents? Just pocket money and travel, no?
OP is charging her for her keep as well so that's rent and food.
OP, how much does her keep cost you? I suspect it's less than 25% of her wages so if you weren't saving it for her, you'd actually be making a profit out of her?
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Aprilx · 20/05/2021 13:35

@Havehope21

I would look at it no different to one working at the other not. If a child is earning money and has disposable income, it is only fair they pay rent. If the other is still in education, then they don't. If they both had the same opportunities to go to university, I don't think you are being unfair.

An apprenticeship is completely different to working. An under 18 needs to either be in education or an apprenticeship, I would say an apprenticeship is an education in a non academic career. Whilst they are on the apprenticeship they hare paid a pittance, have you seen the apprenticeship pay rates?

I think it is absolutely appalling to take money off a 17 year old whilst sending money to an 18 year old because they have chosen different paths to start their careers on.
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BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 13:36

I’ve actually just worked out the petrol costs properly and it’s £26 a week. So she’s quids in really.

This thread has been really useful for me to reframe my thoughts on this, thank you.

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Bluedeblue · 20/05/2021 13:36

As far as she can see, you are taking money from her and giving it to her older brother. She's 17, she's still a child

What a really strange view point!

She needs to pay board. She's netting £1k pm! She's getting driven to and from work. She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own. She's (probably) getting her meals cooked & her washing done by Mum. Of course she should contribute, unless the Op is filthy rich!

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BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 13:37

Our mortgage and bills are 3k and that’s without factoring in food.

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Boulshired · 20/05/2021 13:37

I have always made it clear that the university parental contribution is a bill we pay not a gift. So if they go to university then they receive a term time weekly amount if they don’t then they get no money equivalent. I would not be changing rent until 21 though but am fortunate not to need it.

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SpeakingFranglais · 20/05/2021 13:38

YABU.

Your DS should be getting a part time job to make up any shortfall and you shouldn’t really be taking 25% from a 12k salary when she’s presumably working full time. Not sure what course your DS is doing but I would expect unless it’s healthcare or medicine he will have ample time to supplement his income with work.

At the moment this is grossly unfair. To me, a crappy apprentice wage whilst in training and financial student support whilst learning & working part time are pretty equal steps into the big wide world and taking money off your daughter to gave to your son doesn’t sit well with me at all.

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toocold54 · 20/05/2021 13:38

Could you afford to supplement both of their income if they were both at university?

If DD thinks she’s getting an unfair deal for choosing an apprenticeship then she may end up going to university instead.

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Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2021 13:38

"In this situation I'd be tempted to work out the full cost of her living there - her full share of all bills etc
Then you can show her what you are giving her - difference between that and the amount you do charge her.

I agree with this. It may well be that you're "giving" her more than you're "giving" ds"

Interesting because I was thinking the actual cost would be less than she's being charged.

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PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 13:39

She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own

She's 17! Where is she meant to be living except with her parents? Hmm

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Maray1967 · 20/05/2021 13:39

Good luck with expecting DC at uni to get a part time job to reduce what you give him as some have suggested. If he does a Stem course like mine he will be doing uni classes plus assignments full time. Mine has a holiday Tesco job but I don’t take that off the £5 k we give him. He can only borrow about £4300 and we make it up to what those from low income families can borrow. What he earns over that is going towards a car.
I have had quite a few students get into difficulties with part time jobs as some employers will not be flexible and insist on shifts which clash with classes and they end up not attending as their parents can’t/won’t pay them anything.

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Bluedeblue · 20/05/2021 13:39

Our mortgage and bills are 3k and that’s without factoring in food

Ooft, that's high.

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SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 13:40

@Gwenhwyfar
Driving lessons
Car/insurance/tax/petrol
Mobile phone contract
Clothes
Make up
Glasses/contact lenses (maybe?!)
Dental treatment
Hair cuts
Hobbies and socialising
Take aways
Holidays
Streaming subscriptions

Not paying towards any of those things anymore as a parent is a huge financial release IMO

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Duvetflower · 20/05/2021 13:40

I'd present it as subsidising their rent and food bills by the same amount each. So you can give your DS realcostoflivingathome-DDscontribution

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Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:40

@PaperbackRider

I think you should either do it because you want to, or not do it at all.
But to drive her and charge her for it while funding her brother through 3-4 years at university...are you literally trying to make them have a bad relationship for life?

The OP is driving her dd to make her life easier and I assume its cheaper than public transport.

The ds at uni will be paying his own transport out of his measly £5k if everyone here had their way.
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Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2021 13:40

"She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own."

Well, yes, but she's sharing so not the same is it?

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NotSorry · 20/05/2021 13:40

I have children exactly in your situation OP

Older DS went through uni - his 40 hour a week course didn't allow time for a part-time job so we topped up his loan and didn't charge any board during holidays.

DD has worked part-time since she was 16 and full-time since she was 18 and has paid board since she was 18

DS2 currently at uni has a small part-time job and we top up the loan so that he can eat (his loan only covers rent and bills)

DS3 about to go to uni - we're not sure yet what the loan will cover but hopefully will cover bills and rent and we'll probably need to top him up too. He is also going to be doing a 40 hour a week course. I'd rather he studied than worried about finding part-time work

We've not had any conversation with our daughter about "fairness" as they are all treated fairly according to their circumstances.

Mumsnet is a very strange place at time

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Gwenhwyfar · 20/05/2021 13:41

@BelleClapper

Our mortgage and bills are 3k and that’s without factoring in food.

But your mortgage would be the same unless you were just about to downsize.
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UrAWizHarry · 20/05/2021 13:41

@PaperbackRider

She lives in a house nicer than she could afford if she was on her own

She's 17! Where is she meant to be living except with her parents? Hmm

University halls? Her own flat or houseshare? People can move out at that age.

12k a year when you are at home is a lot of disposable income. Good luck finding a decent place to live for £250 all in.
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