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One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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DinosaurDiana · 20/05/2021 13:00

My Uni child did not have a job year round because she wanted to concentrate on her course, plus shave some fun time. But she did work summer and Xmas to add to what she had.

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Overthebow · 20/05/2021 13:00

Does your DD need to know you are sending him money? I just wouldn’t discuss it.

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HappySonHappyMum · 20/05/2021 13:00

I'm interested in this one too. My DS has just started a 3 year apprenticeship but on substantially more at £25k a year. My DD wants to go to Uni. I want to be fair but the balance is very uneven. I think I'm going to have to sit them both down and have a conversation about it all so it is all out in the open and that way there will be no resentment.

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Gottobefree · 20/05/2021 13:02

If DD is on an an apprenticeship scheme you should not be charging her for anything. As it's not a full time job and she isn't even 18 I would consider that like being at school.
I don't see why DS can't get a part time job ...

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BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 13:02

@Gottobefree

If DD is on an an apprenticeship scheme you should not be charging her for anything. As it's not a full time job and she isn't even 18 I would consider that like being at school.
I don't see why DS can't get a part time job ...

It is a full time job.

We are expecting him to.
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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:03

In our house the rule is "no board if you are in further education".

An apprenticeship is further education.

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UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 13:03

@Usernameismyname01

Mine know that whilst in full time education, they do not contribute towards the house, once working (part time or full) the pay their keep.

Its not up for discussion, dont go there with your DD - if it gets mentioned, tell her as a matter of fact and that if she chose to carry on with her education you would support.

An apprenticeship is education! She’ll have a qualification at the end of it and likely be far more employable than her brother is after 3 years of university and no workplace experience.
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Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:03

But the parent is expected to top the £5k up. Any job is meant to be on top of that. And have you tried getting a p/t student job recently? Everywhere wants full flexibility or you to work so many hours it impacts your studies. Some lucky students may get a p/t job but its not guaranteed.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:04

Why are you funding ds going away to uni? He can go to a local one and remain at home for free, or fund the shortfall in his accommodation himself.

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user1471538283 · 20/05/2021 13:04

I think that your DS needs to pay his own way proportionally as well. I had to work part time through college and then full time at university (part time).

My DS pays rent that really only covers his food and he is savings. But the point is that nothing is free and we cannot keep our kids forever.

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Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:04

An apprentiship is education yes,and they are pretty hard to obtain at the moment too so well done to OP's dd but the OP's dd is earning £12k per year whilst doing it whereas the OP's ds will be racking up student debt.

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Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 13:05

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Why are you funding ds going away to uni? He can go to a local one and remain at home for free, or fund the shortfall in his accommodation himself.

This attitude saddens me. I hope my kids go to the right uni for them that offers a good quality course in their subject of choice, not just a local one cause it's cheap.
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Friendofdennis · 20/05/2021 13:07

They are two totally different situations aren’t they? Your son has no choice but pay for his accommodation/food etc from his student finance. Depending on family circumstances and where you live in the UK some of this will become a debt. Even if he gets a part time job he needs some contribution from you to keep his head above water to pay for food travel laundry etc as the amount of student finance simply isn’t enough to live on and eat properly etc . If you are keeping the money from your daughter ring fenced to give back to her at a future date then you are effectively providing free accommodation/utility and food. So your daughter is being treated fairly. It’s just that she doesn’t realise it because you haven’t told her that she will get the money back from you.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:08

It can sadden you all you like. I dont earn the salary to keep two homes - one for the family (which he is welcome to stay in as long as he needs), and one for him.

He wants it? He pays for it.

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TwoAndAnOnion · 20/05/2021 13:08

@Owesye

I’m blown away you’re charging when she’s on £12k a year! Seems really mean and unfair. They’ve got plenty of time in life to pay rent and mortgages and bills m. Glad my parents doesn’t have this thought process!

How much do you expect a 17yo to earn? because NMW for a 17yo is 4.62. (90.6k equivalency) so when do you expect a working adult to pull their weight? or do you expect all 17yo's to command a CEO wag at the go get?
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UserAtRandom · 20/05/2021 13:09

My DC are just under those ages, but basically we have some money set aside that we intend will be used to support them as young adults. That means it might be spent on university costs, or training costs or put towards the cost of a car or a house deposit. In the interests of "fairness" they have the same amount. So in your position, DS might be getting a chunk of money to support him through university now, but DD would have more money in the future to support her in whatever it is she wants/needs.

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chocorabbit · 20/05/2021 13:09

Why do people need to charge a % on their children's income?! If you really need the money just calculate how much she costs you to feed her, electricity, gas etc she uses and charge that! I don't think it would be £250! I don't understand how this "teaches" them how to handle money. If she is left with e.g. just £300 she could still easily blow this away if she is this kind of person! I know people that have! I also know people whose parents would blow away their (DC's) whole salary so moved away and never contributed anything again and now count every penny to save.

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TwoAndAnOnion · 20/05/2021 13:09

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Why are you funding ds going away to uni? He can go to a local one and remain at home for free, or fund the shortfall in his accommodation himself.

Perhaps he wasn't offered a place, perhaps they don't do his course.
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toconclude · 20/05/2021 13:09

@Owesye

I’m blown away you’re charging when she’s on £12k a year! Seems really mean and unfair. They’ve got plenty of time in life to pay rent and mortgages and bills m. Glad my parents doesn’t have this thought process!

It's peanuts compared to what rent and board actually costs. I'm glad my parents DID have this thought process, never been in debt since.
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JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace · 20/05/2021 13:09

I wouldn’t be charging a 17 year old rent unless you desperately needed the money (and if that was the case, I assume you wouldn’t be able to pay towards your student son either)

Is there a middle ground where she pays for food / petrol (sorts herself out or gives you an amount that covers her share) but puts an agreed amount into savings herself, to end up with the same amount in savings at the end of 3 years as the amount you’ve given your DS?

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Planty13 · 20/05/2021 13:10

I would only take money off DD if you will 100% put it aside for her. The thought that she is essentially topping up her brothers Uni income isn’t comfortable with me. He needs to get a job as well. They are both still in education.

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DazzlingHaze · 20/05/2021 13:10

I would consider an apprenticeship as still being in education so I think you're being pretty mean. Apart from rent to you, what else does she pay? Does she pay her own phone bill, toiletries etc on top of that? Those things I think it's fine for her to finance by herself ie, I wouldn't charge a child doing an apprenticeship to live with me but I wouldn't be funding them by paying for phone bills, streaming services, clothes, nights out etc.

Your DS could absolutely get a part time job and I would expect him to. If you expect DD to pay her way you should insist that he has to contribute to his own living costs as well.

I wouldn't be surprised if your DD ends up feeling as though she's being punished for not choose the university route. And I want to clarify I am not against adult DC paying their way if they choose to leave education in favour of working, I just see an apprenticeship as an alternative form of further education.

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:10

Perhaps he wasn't offered a place, perhaps they don't do his course

Which is why I suggested the alternative of funding it himself.

We are getting to a place in society where parents of university students are still serving their own massive graduate debt and thus cannot fund another person's.

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user1487194234 · 20/05/2021 13:11

I think you risk resentment between your DC,and making it look like doing an apprenticeship is inferior to going to Uni(when in can be the far better choice)

I also think 25% is a lot.
I know taking keep and saving it is popular on Mumsnet but I don't agree,I think it is very patronising and it doesn't teach them to save.

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BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 13:11

@chocorabbit

Why do people need to charge a % on their children's income?! If you really need the money just calculate how much she costs you to feed her, electricity, gas etc she uses and charge that! I don't think it would be £250! I don't understand how this "teaches" them how to handle money. If she is left with e.g. just £300 she could still easily blow this away if she is this kind of person! I know people that have! I also know people whose parents would blow away their (DC's) whole salary so moved away and never contributed anything again and now count every penny to save.

We actually didn’t work it out on her salary, it just happens to be 25%. We said £200 for keep/food, and £50 for petrol (we take her to and from, hour round trip each way).
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