One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

[loopylindi]

young people often don't know how to deal with responsibility for their actions. They can't accept consequences cos nothing is their fault. It's always someone else and as a parent you'll be first in line. You could start by giving her little jobs to do and to a deadline, with a small reward if completed - see how that goes. Then increase the job and expected time to complete to test her resolve. Are there any voluntary opportunities around that might help? You've got to get her active before she gets depressed.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

There's no such thing as a cheaper university unless you mean accommodation costs in the city concerned.

Laughing at the notion of a "successful household" including contributing to the gardening! As a total non-gardener myself...

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

Oh I completely missed the OP's updates, I think I was on the wrong page. Oh dear. Well she needs to get a different sort of job like working in a cafe or something. Maybe she's just not up to academic work currently and needs an easy job for the moment to earn money, decide what she wants to do next and develop the maturity to have some sort of work ethic. She's still very young and as people are very keen on saying, we all develop at different rates. The perfect MNers have 5 year olds who can cook and clean, the rest of us have varying degrees of independence in our kids.

Some people will say a 17 year old should have a work ethic but there are plenty of people out there who drifted a bit to start with but knuckled down by their mid to late 20s.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

Oh bless you all it sounds a bit of a disaster for her.

Is she settled and happy in other areas? Just I know with one of mine the minute they weren’t happy in general - school work went down the pan.

Good for DS getting a job :)

[Parentalguidance12]

@BelleClapper

She’s upset. But I’m really worried she hasn’t taken much from this. She was asked to leave college because she didn’t hand any work in. And then the same with this.

She keeps asking to spend the day out with her mates and I keep saying no, as she should be at work/college and not reaping the benefits of free time.

I have literally no idea how to deal with this or what she needs to do now. She wants to apply for another apprenticeship but if she’s not prepared to do the work I’m not sure what to say.

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

I’m at a loss.

You just wait till she turns 18 and kick her out if she doesnt get a job in a month.
If you do not pay rent or contribute to household expenses in any way, you are not a tenant, you are a guest. Parents have no obligation to provide support to adult children. As a result, they can kick you out with no notice.
You shouldn't spoil your kids. You explain to them you have bills to pay and they're adding on to them. That's all.

[Luna2021]

Personally, I'm very against parents taking a portion of children's income when they haven't moved out. 17 is also really young. It would of course a different scenario if it were adult children or adult children who had moved back in to save.

Unless you're saving that money to then give back to them, I'd stop collecting it. If it were me, I'd also be pretty annoyed that I was earning so little and expected to contribute when a sibling was being given money.

[Parentalguidance12]

@Luna2021

Personally, I'm very against parents taking a portion of children's income when they haven't moved out. 17 is also really young. It would of course a different scenario if it were adult children or adult children who had moved back in to save.

Unless you're saving that money to then give back to them, I'd stop collecting it. If it were me, I'd also be pretty annoyed that I was earning so little and expected to contribute when a sibling was being given money.

you can be against it but legally anything owned or earned by a minor belongs to the parents. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, until they reach the age of majority or are declared independent by a court, they are the responsibility of the parents.

so even if the daughter sues the parents, all of the money she earned technically belongs to the mother anyways.

in return the parents just have to continue to provide food, clothing and shelter for the child as they have always been doing.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

A contract being unenforceable against the daughter because it’s not for necessaries does not mean all the daughter’s money belongs to her parents.

[Gooseberrypies]

@Parentalguidance12 as if

[BelleClapper]

For anyone late to the thread who hasn’t read all my updates, DD got herself sacked from the apprenticeship and is currently job hunting/reapplying to college.

DS meanwhile is working almost full time and will be saving the majority of his wage towards Uni in September. We will take £125 from him for keep (less than DD because hers included petrol at £100pm and her phone contract £25).

He will also be working while away at University so we won’t be sending him any money unless it’s an emergency.

[BelleClapper]

I have been very amused by the sheer number of articles about this thread in various outlets, including BoredPanda who stated I was charging her $16k

[Ccstraz]

I find it incredible that you are charging your 17 year old daughter, who is an apprentice getting an education but are giving a free pass to your son. It smacks of favouritism and you are risking alienating your daughter. I hope for her sake she moves out soon and distances herself from you. You specifically state you will take money from her to support him. He needs to get a job after hours and contribute to his own education if you can’t afford it.