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One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:06

@PizzaCrust

Stop charging DD, or put that money in a savings account for her.
Encourage DS to get a part time job while at uni.
Send money to both as they need/require it.

I mean, you didn’t have to read the WHOLE thread, but at least my post right above yours?
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PizzaCrust · 04/06/2021 15:12

I read the thread.

I couldn’t take money off my own child who is still in education, earning less than the lowest taxable allowance. If she was on 20k (I still wouldn’t) but it would be more reasonable.

She works for her money and deserves to have it. Maybe if she actually kept her wage she’d be able to get sorted with a car whenever she can. Then you wouldn’t need to get up at 6am (although I personally get up for work at 5 so I don’t find that particularly worth mentioning.)

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:14

You obviously didn’t read the thread.

I’m giving her my car as soon as she learns to drive.

But again that doesn’t fit the narrative here so has been largely ignored.

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PizzaCrust · 04/06/2021 15:16

Ever considered that the reason most people are arguing with you is because you simply are being unreasonable?

It wouldn’t be how I’d parent, that’s for sure.

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:16

Good to know.

Life’s rich tapestry, eh?

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PizzaCrust · 04/06/2021 15:21

Not at all. I just accept that it is my responsibility to provide for my children until they are 18 as a minimum, but in this climate I think 21 is much more sensible. Charging a 17 year old “keep” is pathetic. Charging her for a lift to work is pathetic. At least she’s doing a course and making something for herself. I would not be taking any money from my kids in this situation.

If I need extra money, it’s up to me to go and earn it. I’m the adult.

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:30

I’m afraid I simply don’t believe that anyone would pay £100pm out of their own hard earned wage to facilitate a teenager earning and keeping £1000pm.

People insisting they would are just trying to put the boot in. It’s insane nonsense.

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:33

Before taking her to worm I used to fill my little car up with £30 and that would last me six weeks.

So it’s not like it’s a tiny increase in costs for me.

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 15:34

Worm? Work ffs.

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Nofruitta · 04/06/2021 16:17

Stop charging then you are treating them the same, helping them both out.

If you can’t/won’t I would explain that it’s likely uni will make it likely they will earn more in the long run and leave it at that.

You don’t owe them an explanation. You living at home child couldn’t afford to move out, so they are helping to fund themselves. Your uni dc has a loan, so it also self funding.

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WineIsMyMainVice · 04/06/2021 16:22

@TheQueef

Can you still charge DD but ringfence it for a deposit later? dS will hopefully have more earning potential when he gets going.

I think this is a good idea if you can afford it.
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Whatafuss · 04/06/2021 20:04

"I’m afraid I simply don’t believe that anyone would pay £100pm out of their own hard earned wage to facilitate a teenager earning and keeping £1000pm.

People insisting they would are just trying to put the boot in. It’s insane nonsense.*

OP, do you believe that people who disagree with you are somehow in a conspiracy against you? :D I haven't been charged like some lodger by my family when I became a teenager and certainly won't be charging mine...and charging your ds to spend time at home in summer? Wow...

I'm wondering whether there are some deeper issues here. The way you talk about your daughter e.g. "poor pet" and "obviously" not asking money for take aways and holidays.. What?! I mean just the fact that you think a family meal could be chargeable but you are speaking like you're doing her a favour for not charging.. It just all blows my mind. Do you love your daughter and want her in your house? Do you have financial difficulties? Are your kids money wasters? Did your family treat you the same? Did you have a tight household growing up?

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BelleClapper · 04/06/2021 20:22

Fucking hell.

Some deep shit projection going on there.

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DulseSeaweed · 05/06/2021 08:50

This thread is bloody ridiculous. You chauffeur her around and put her up, it’s fine to charge rent. As I assume you will if and when DS comes home as an earner. People are so weird.

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Pagwatch · 05/06/2021 10:53

This thread is an exercise in competitive weirdness and a determination to be the most wonderful selfless mother ever.
It's no wonder that lots of kids arrive at uni/work with the idea that the world revolves around them and that being made responsible for stuff is unfair.

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Newkitchen123 · 05/06/2021 12:50

@Pagwatch

This thread is an exercise in competitive weirdness and a determination to be the most wonderful selfless mother ever.
It's no wonder that lots of kids arrive at uni/work with the idea that the world revolves around them and that being made responsible for stuff is unfair.

Spot on
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loopylindi · 17/06/2021 11:43

I've always had an issue with the difference between 'fairness' and 'equality' My MIL would regularly 'help out' DS and DiL who had a smaller income than us plus two children to bring up. We lived far away, no children and, initially , only 1 income while DH a student. We never so much as got a sniff of any financial help - but we never felt resentful. This situation continued when DH started working, so 2 incomes. We always felt this arrangement was fair, though not equal.
Consequently, gifts to nieces of different ages were always age appropriate, even if of different value. Cash gifts also.

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Saoirse82 · 22/06/2021 00:41

There's 2 years between me and my sister. My parents funded her living at uni, we're in Ireland and she went to England. She didn't have to get a job so she could focus on her studies. Id no interest in further education so I got a job at 18 and gave £20 a week 'keep' into the house. I wasn't making a lot (prob around min wage or slightly over) and they didn't need the money but they were trying to reach me to be responsible.
I never thought I was being treated unfairly, I knew if I wanted to go to uni I'd get the same. I've never tallied up what each of us got, we're loved equally so there's never been any kind of she got and I didn't. I think its fair that your DD pays something into the house, 25% is quite a lot though. I'd maybe reduce her payments.

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Posieandpip · 22/06/2021 01:17

Most students don't receive money from parents - I didn't and none of my friends did. I worked, everyone works. It's only fair to teach your son the same lesson you're teaching your daughter by making him support himself.

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Hawkins001 · 22/06/2021 01:19

@BelleClapper

Fucking hell.

Some deep shit projection going on there.

Any updates on the current situation op ?
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PerveenMistry · 22/06/2021 02:28

I would never charge my child to live at home, at any age let alone 17!

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BelleClapper · 22/06/2021 09:19

Well DD has been sacked from her apprenticeship and job. She hadn’t done any of the work they’d set in the two months she was on the course.

DS has secured full time employment until September working in a restaurant.

I’m sure some of the contributors on this thread will twist this into my fault or something but there we go.

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DavidTheDog · 22/06/2021 09:34

Oh heck. I guess it's an age that things don't go smoothly for many of us. How is she feeling? I'd have been mortified at that age.

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BelleClapper · 22/06/2021 09:38

She’s upset. But I’m really worried she hasn’t taken much from this. She was asked to leave college because she didn’t hand any work in. And then the same with this.

She keeps asking to spend the day out with her mates and I keep saying no, as she should be at work/college and not reaping the benefits of free time.

I have literally no idea how to deal with this or what she needs to do now. She wants to apply for another apprenticeship but if she’s not prepared to do the work I’m not sure what to say.

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

I’m at a loss.

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DavidTheDog · 22/06/2021 09:46

She says things like ‘I told my tutor I struggled with motivation so she should have let me off’ and ‘ they kept telling me I wasn’t paying attention in classes but that’s just my face’. Nothing is her fault and the system is against her.

Have you pointed out that doing another apprenticeship will be more of the same?

The pressure on schools means that all of the responsibility for doing well - working hard, being resilient, learning when to change direction and when to persevere and ultimately exam performance falls on the teachers rather than the students. This does them no good service in the long run.

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