To not lend her my stuff?

[TentTalk]

TLDR: DH and I are avid campers and bought a new (expensive) tent in the 2019 black Friday sales, we've used it twice and now friend who has never camped before wants to borrow it. We said no and 'friend' has called us selfish and says we've ruined her and her kids holiday. AIBU?

As above, DH and I are keen campers and have camped for many years, back packing in the UK and across Europe. With the arrival of DC2 we bought a new large family tent for more comfort. It's great but it was really expensive, but we feel its an investment and we will treat it well. We bought it in November 2019, ready for the 202 season (hah!) we managed to use it twice last year and have 3 trips booked this year (all UK). A friend recently said she would like to try camping, I suggested she book one of the times we are going, so we could share some o the equipment like the stove and stuff, rather than her forking out for all new kit when she may not like it, or that she goes to one of the 'glamping' sites where it is all set up for you. She then said she had already booked a week and had hoped to borrow all our stuff. She was quite shocked when I refused and became quite nasty saying we were ruining her holiday and that we were selfish. I said I don't mind lending her the kids sims and sleeping bags and the camp stove but the other stuff, especially the tent is just too much.

My concerns are that it will get damaged, either by wind or misuse (fire too close, kids not being careful, someone getting drunk and stumbling over it etc). We do have insurance, but it is only valid when we use it, not if we loan it out. The other issue is that the time they are going away is the week before we do, so if it does get damaged I won't have time to test it all out or erect the tent, or replace the stuff if it is damaged. Friend is not always the most considerate person.

AIBU?

If it's relevant, we have over £2k of camping equipment and the tent was about £750.

YANBU
We recently bought a second hand 4 man tent for £70. Facebook Marketplace. I'm sure there'll be bigger ones she could source 2nd hand for herself.

YDNBU
Your friend on the other hand most certainly is BU.
If she comes back to you for another attempt, i think you've got two options:

1. I'm not going to change my mind on lending you the tent but you've got time to get some stuff of your own - here's a list of what we find essential and where you can buy it all.
2. You can't have our tent but I will lend you x,y, z. I personally wouldn't do this as you need your stuff for the following week and she clearly has no sense of the cost or importance of it.
3. Ignore any attempt by her to get in touch with you on account of her being an entitled CF.

Eh that would be three options in my previous post.
I may be on the wine.

I definitely wouldn’t lend the tent for all the reasons you said. Some people just don’t care about things that aren’t theirs.

We have a caravan and the way other peoples kids have treated it over the years is shocking, standing on seats, jumping on the bed etc. Caravans aren’t as robust as houses! No way would I lend an expensive tent to someone.

@GreatOak Your poor DF, those old canvas tents are lovely and not cheap to replace. What a disgusting thing to do to someone whose done you a favour.

@osbertthesyrianhamster we loaned her out once. I drove her to the camp site and forbade them to move her even an inch. She was to be used for sleeping etc but there was no way I was letting anyone else drive her.
This was to my mum and dad 🤣

@TentTalk, the fact that you doubted yourself when you know and admit that she is inconsiderate, a user and you have already had to restrict the relationship due to this speaks volumes. People like this have hides like rhino, more neck that a giraffe. She'll come back and try to manipulate you because people like this don't take no for an answer as they feel entitled.

The thought of lending someone my tent has given me all the anxiety. There is absolutely no way that would ever happen.

I’ve gone all flushed on your behalf.

She wouldn't continue to be my friend to be honest. I cannot imagine calling anyone sfish for not lending me something of theirs.

If she contacts you again I really hope you tell her to fuck off permanently, her bridge should be well and truly burned after this. She's a manipulative user.

Wow she is a real c.f. we saved hard and bought a new air tent at the end of season, used it twice in 2019 then of course 2020 didn't happen. We paid £800 and no way would I lend it. I love it, it's for our family to grow in to and we will use it for years to come. No way can we afford to lend it and risk someone ruining it. With how entitled she's being it isn't a far stretch to think she wouldn't care that much about it.

YANBU

It's a very expensive item that would not be insured if she damaged it - something that's actually a strong possibility if she's a first time camper.

That aside you need it the next week and as you rightly point out would have no time to rectify any issues (even as simple as drying the tent if she was forced to wet pack it) thus putting your holiday at risk.

Frankly I think you're being generous offering things like sleeping bags/stoves etc so close to your own holiday.

Don't feel bad/guilty. She's taking the piss.

You haven't ruined anything. She has by assuming she can borrow thousands of pounds worth of kit that she's no experience of using.

I'd stand by my decision, make sure she knew I was shocked and disappointed by her reaction, and if she continued to be insulting, I'd cut her loose, tbh. Doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Her cheek is hilarious. Selfish indeed 🙄 definitely don’t lend her a damn thing anymore

@DeRigueurMortis

YANBU

It's a very expensive item that would not be insured if she damaged it - something that's actually a strong possibility if she's a first time camper.

That aside you need it the next week and as you rightly point out would have no time to rectify any issues (even as simple as drying the tent if she was forced to wet pack it) thus putting your holiday at risk.

Frankly I think you're being generous offering things like sleeping bags/stoves etc so close to your own holiday.

Don't feel bad/guilty. She's taking the piss.

You haven't ruined anything. She has by assuming she can borrow thousands of pounds worth of kit that she's no experience of using.

Just to add if it bolsters your resolve a cautionary tale of my own.

I used to be a keen skier (went at least annually every year for over 30 years - starting at aged 8).

About 15 years ago a "good" friend went on her first ski-ing holiday with a group of mates and asked to borrow my (expense - not a boast I bought quality kit because I wanted it to last) gear.

Stupidly I said yes.

When it was finally returned to me a month later) after much pressure it became clear why she hadn't been keen to hand it back...

Not a single item was not damaged or outright ruined.

Helmet and goggles badly scratched (presumably from being thrown about).

One of the poles bent rendering them useless.

Salopettes had fag burns.

Jacket stank of B.O. and and the zip broken.

My skis were scratched to buggery and were warped (I found out she'd stored them in her garage and dumped heavy items on top of them).

The only thing I had left was my boots because...you've guessed it, I hadn't lent her them as she was a different size.

Cost me well over two thousand pounds to replace everything she'd ruined.

At no point did she offer to compensate me - rather her view was it's just stuff and if it was so important to you why the fuck did you lend it to me....

So a lesson very much learned. If it's something I value/is important then I don't lend it - to anyone.

YANBU. This is your thing. You've invested in it for your luxury when you go away. Tents can so easily be damaged. She's being very presumptuous to think she can just borrow all of your stuff. People can be such dicks.

What a disgusting thing to do to someone whose done you a favour.

People like that will invariably assume/make out that the equipment can't have been up to much - even feel hard done-by themselves at having had to 'discover' that your equipment was 'shoddy' whilst they were on their holidays.

It's pointless considering lending them nice things as they'll treat it and show the same remorse as would a toddler. And they'll also throw the same tantrums if you refuse to in the first place. Shame there's no such thing as a so-called CF friend naughty step, really.

At no point did she offer to compensate me - rather her view was it's just stuff and if it was so important to you why the fuck did you lend it to me....

Yes, it's always very interesting to find out just how little money, possessions, time and effort matter when they're somebody else's

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

At no point did she offer to compensate me - rather her view was it's just stuff and if it was so important to you why the fuck did you lend it to me....

Yes, it's always very interesting to find out just how little money, possessions, time and effort matter when they're somebody else's

Exactly.....

The red flag as it were (as I learned to my cost) is actually someone thinking it's reasonable to ask to be loaned expensive kit in the first place (especially as a novice).

Thinking back I was naive.

I wouldn't have asked to borrow someone else's expensive skis/jacket etc because I knew how much they cost and I'd have been worried about damaging them - even though I would have been very careful of the items.

The fact that someone "novice" actively wants to borrow expensive kit is a sign they neither understand it's value, have any intention to treat it respectfully or replace it if damaged.

I lent my 4 season, super comfy, super expensive sleeping bag to a friend. She was sick on it and ditched it. She replaced it with a thin, no season, sack without any feelings of guilt. I ditched the friend.

I don’t think people realise how expensive camping stuff is if they haven’t invested in any. We lent our tent to a friend and she put it up in her back garden and let her teenage son and his friends use it for parties without our knowledge. They ruined it and it had to be thrown away

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I lent my 4 season, super comfy, super expensive sleeping bag to a friend. She was sick on it and ditched it. She replaced it with a thin, no season, sack without any feelings of guilt. I ditched the friend.

I should probably add my "friend" was also "ditched" very promptly indeed .

Learned later she's still got "form" for this type of behaviour.

Let's just say my understanding is that her social circle has very much reduced over the years.....but apparently she's the type that still comments on social media passive aggressive "you know who your real friends are" type essays when yet another person has been duped into helping her out - because nothing is ever her responsibility/fault (learned through mutual contacts as obviously she's blocked on my SM).

I wouldn't lend a novice camper a good quality tent. They won't know how to care for it. You could guide them in the direction of good places to buy cheaper tents / towards others who've got something they're more likely to be willing to lend out

She's a cheeky fucker.

Is it a Mexican tent? Keep an eye on it if so...