To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

You need to be up and out of the house one weekend day. Say you're off for a bike ride (see how he likes it) then chain your bike up at the railway station and go somewhere for the day. Anywhere.

And sort out the bedroom/living room TV thing, too. You need one room where you can spend time peacefully and alone.

As for your older child, 10 pm is far too late for him to be making demands on you. How old is he? By 8 pm I think he should be occupying himself, tbh.

Op when you take them to the park - sit on the bench, go on your phone or read a book & have some “me time”. Ask your husband to bath the kids. Plus depending on their ages can’t they play board games together? It’s great to do extra clubs, but get your husband to take them to football & you do swimming- balance it out a bit. If he doesn’t want to, cancel it, you’re doing too much & will burn yourself out, you’re in a partnership so there needs to be an equal balance. Plus yes it’s hard work - that’s why you need to balance things out a bit. Can’t they just watch a bit of tv after school instead of crafts? I’m sure after a day at school they might want a bit of downtime. Hopefully you can sort out more of a balance of the chores with your husband.

Jeez..you do a lot of stuff with your children!! How old are they??
After school mine just play their own weird games in the garden/playroom whilst i listen to music and cook something we will all eat..(I mean I’d prefer a spicy Thai curry) but shepherds pie and pasta bake is fine! We do play board games, but ones that I like too..dobble, or bananagrams for example. And if I really could’nt be bothered I wouldn’t do it that night! Just let them play on their own and join in when it’s fun for you! There’s no need for all this!

I'm so glad my kids don't ask to go to any clubs. They like to chill out at home a lot. Plus they are older now so use their phones a lot. They are now 9 and 11 and it's like having friends. We often watch tv programmes together.

I had them close in age to get the toddler / preschool stages out of the way.

Now I’ve read more of the thread, I want to say please stop living this way. You evidently love your children but they won’t feel all right in the end unless you do.

People have given a lot of good tips.

You are doing too much every day for a start.

One meal for all. No more cooking nonsense.

Your bedroom is for you not DC game.

If DH won’t help then you need a babysitter sometimes.

💐

And craft with mummy is a weekend/school holidays thing..if they want to get glitter out on a Monday they can but I’m not joining! Honestly they have whole day of school for this stuff, just enjoy being around them and having a chat..you don’t need to do all this stuff during the week.

Yes, I'm not a fan of the weekends because everything we do is for the children.

@Milkminder

If I take them somewhere I’d like to go but they wouldn’t they just moan endlessly and I find it more of a trial than a pleasure. I’d like to go to galleries (now they are reopening), for a day in the nearest city, for an unrushed look around the library that wasn’t the children’s section, for a walk around the shops where I can actually look instead of just grabbing anything that looks vaguely ok because I can’t stand the moaning anymore. I’d like to go to a painting class. I’d like to go to yoga outside at the local arboretum. But it’s on a Saturday and DH is never here in a Saturday.

TELL. YOUR. HUSBAND.

Why don’t you get to go to yoga at the arboretum on a Saturday? Why does he get to fuck off out and do what he wants?

Put your foot down.

@angieb89

What is your husband doing this whole time....?? Considering you work as well... Get him to help out!! No wonder your not enjoying it.

Also, have to agree, it's all about doing stuff you don't want to do haha!

If you didn't want this, why did you have children? We live in a modern age where birth control is available and furthermore, it is not frowned upon to be childless - in fact in view of the total world population projections, it might be applauded. I'm rather confused.

Your children will recreate this model in their adult lives.

Unless you make a change now for your sake and theirs.

I don’t even blame your DH, you’ve essentially signalled to him this is OK.

It’s not.

But it’s you that needs to say so.

OP did you climb inside my brain?

@Ocean456 scroll on by then Ocean. I struggled with 10 years of infertility so I know it hurts. But parents (and it's nearly always mothers) need to be able to vent and share and not be made to feel guilty for doing so.

YANBU. I did realise that the time you spend with DC is shit but I thought there’d be less of it. Honestly I thought other people would help by babysitting so I can live my life. That’s what I saw happening with other people’s DC... I saw lots of mums living their lives while their DC were elsewhere, so I quite reasonably expected the same. DS has two grans and grandads, two aunties, and none of them ever fucking take him. Yet all around me I see mums swanning off while their DC have sleepovers with cousins and spend whole weekends with grandparents. It makes me so jealous.

Do you return those things though, or plan to? Having nieces and nephews regularly, having your own grandchildren for whole weekends so parents can go off and do their own thing? It will feel like huge pita whenever you do it if you don't like children/children's activities.

@Milkminder

DH is part of my problem but I’ve tried before to get him to change and he does for about one week and then it’s business as usual.

Erm I think yoga started at 8.30. It was the relax class. It was soothing and I used to sleep well afterwards.

Divorce him then split the dc 50 50 so he has to do his share

Hang in there op. I clearly remember standing in the park pushing mine on the swings and wanting to actually scream because I was so bored. Now they are teenagers and I don't see them out of their rooms so much I actually quite miss them...but I've got a nice little life that doesn't revolve around them quite as much and it's all coming good...

You’ve got a shit husband. If you left he’d have to have them some of the time, just saying.
It’s ridiculous that you are living like this. It’s not normal and not just part of being a parent. We sometimes have to do things we don’t want to do as parents but not all the fucking time.
It’s not going to do any harm to your kids if they never go to a farm or soft play again. And stop cooking your shit husband tea while you go hungry, Christ woman it’s 2021.

I just pretend he’s not here and get on with it.

Not very effectively if you're cooking his dinner.

If he can't be bothered to parent his children he ca at least make his own meals.

How old are they? I definitely find things tedious but once they're old enough to manage a conversation I found ways to have a giggle and engage which wasn't always drudgery. Kind of like mixing personalities, with give and take getting a bit more equal. DD is 9 and yeah, some parts of my day I grudgingly get on with but it pays off massively having this funny, clever little girl. Our moods often match each other or if one of us is fed up, the other knows instinctively how to flip it.
I'm dreading the teenage years though. We bounce through every day as we've always done (single parent since she was 1).

If you didn't want this, why did you have children?

I'm childfree but I can't help but think there is a lot of mis-selling going on when it comes to DC. Pearls of wisdom such as:
'You will regret not having them'
'It's different when they're your own'
'You'll never know love like it'
Who will look after you when you're old?
Yes, you do risk pooing through your vagina but it will be so worth it because you will have a baby
and so on.

Also bear in mind that not every pregnancy is planned and not every woman feels able to abort.

It is a bit hard - I feel constantly guilty and my youngest (and only one at home)is 17. I leave a bit later than I'd like for work (no problem but as a teacher I'd prefer to be earlier) so Ican drop her off at school 10 miles away but on my journey. We are very rural.

Particularly in lockdown she had to loiter waiting for me to pick her up as I can never leave exactly on time. Stuff happens in schools. Better now as the gym is open so she can go there or work in the library.

I upset ds this week as we didn't say his sister was coming to visit so he didn't see her (he's more local) and he felt left out. I feel sad I upset him. No bad intention - just trying to work full time and keep everyone happy. Also juggling keeping 92yo dad in the loop (his wife is stuck in a different country).

I constantly feel I try my best but let people down,

YABU for expecting so little from your husband. I have 2 DC and work and my life isn’t nearly as relentless and dull as you describe because my DH parents with me.

@JennyBlake

If you didn't want this, why did you have children? We live in a modern age where birth control is available and furthermore, it is not frowned upon to be childless - in fact in view of the total world population projections, it might be applauded. I'm rather confused.

Do you have a dog? Say the dog shits on the carpet or chews your shoes. Are you never allowed to complain because you decided to get a dog?

Unless you have a kid with medical issues, there's something very wrong in describing your life as being stuck in a series of things you dislike.

Agree you've set this up yourself so you need to change it.

You need to retrain yourself and your kids (and leave DH but that's another issue)

'Mum do you want to play chess'
'No thanks darling I'm exhausted'

See, it's easy!!

Cool food you want to eat and adapt for DC - stuff DH he can cook for himself if he doesn't want what you're having.

Mum mum mum mum "can you go and play / read / watch TV please I'm busy"

Then just practice grey rock to demand / moaning. "Oh that's a shame" "yes I know" or my personal favourite "I've already answered that question"

Have you ever seen Motherland op? You remind me of Julia. Run ragged while her useless arse of a husband does whatever he wants.