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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
supermoonrising · 19/05/2021 23:18

Some women have lower expectations from 40 year old men than they do 4 year old boys. If your response to an adult being lazy and selfish is to cook them a nice dinner and wash their clothes, then guess what they’ll do the next day?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2021 23:23

Your children whinge because you spoil them with far too much attention, and because they see how their dad treats you. It's not good for them.

Many posters cannot understand why you stay with your husband. It all sounds utterly joyless. Why do you stay with him?

expat101 · 19/05/2021 23:24

Does DC1 have local friends to play (french?? - that was what it was called when I was younger) cricket within the backyard? That way you know s/he is safe and is otherwise occupied with someone else, and that leaves you and DC2 for s/he activities or for s/he to have a nap while you grab a book and a sit down. Offer to host the other child the following weekend.

Stop cooking the 3rd dinner! It's one main family meal with slight variations each night depending on tastes. If someone doesn't like sausages, then they get fish or whatever but all cooked at the same time on the same frypan/BBQ etc.

Warn all family members this is starting from Monday night.

Friday nights is pizza or takeaway night and it's your partner's responsibility to either bring it home with him or order home delivery. No excuses.

If he is going to be late, it's still his job to order for you his family and he can re-heat the leftovers when he arrives home.

Speaking of which, if he is going elsewhere after work, more than one or two nights a week, this stops from Monday night as well. If a child is required to be at training on a weeknight, that becomes his job to transport the child there and back while you get the younger one ready for bed.

Why is your partner not at home on Saturdays? If it's to do a hobby, then giving him one Saturday's notice there are two children in the house that are required to be at sport or such like. He takes one, and you take the other. He can Man up and volunteer at the DC1's sport to be a referee or such like, getting his exercise in that way.

If Hubby wants ''time out'' then an equal amount of time is granted for you too and it becomes part of routine. No excuses. If he wants to argue it, send him back to his mother.

Don't enrol the children in every activity they express interest in. One sport per season.

Unless you enjoy playing the PS4 or whatever version that is, get it out of your bedroom.

Audio books are an excellent way to entertain young ones. Kate Winslet did a series my DD had, beautiful voice and wonderful stories. DC2 can sit at the table while you organise the family meal, listening, maybe with a bit of craft or ''felt people'' to fiddle with quietly.

Finally, being at the other end of this I can say when the DC leave home, it's like a slap to the head. While there are certainly benefits, they still cause you to worry. I found out on the weekend DD 23 walks through a relatively empty paddock between her gym, supermarket and home of an evening instead of driving (short distance, I can see her point) but to me, even in daylight, I felt an unease when I went through it on Friday. Can't tell her though...

Falaffeleybollocks · 19/05/2021 23:24

You sound sorely in need of a Co parent.
Why do you stay with him?

Dandylioness1 · 19/05/2021 23:25

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

I think this is a bit unreasonable.

What would you expect the kids to do that you’d find more interesting?

DaphneDuBois · 19/05/2021 23:27

YANBU. Obviously the martyr mothers will be along to say how sad this post is but it’s the bloody truth.

Tubs11 · 19/05/2021 23:29

You have a husband issue not a child issue!

YellowFish12 · 19/05/2021 23:33

Well, yah. Surely you though about this before having the kiddos?

Aren’t there any things you DO like doing with them? Can you steer them towards those activities instead?

Your DH sounds useless tho. If you divorced you’d get every other weekend off and wouldn’t have to cook fir him 🤷‍♀️

Mrshirst11 · 19/05/2021 23:36

@DaphneDuBois

YANBU. Obviously the martyr mothers will be along to say how sad this post is but it’s the bloody truth.
@DaphneDuBois

Just because there are mothers who don’t feel this way about activities they do with their children, it doesn’t make them “ martyr mothers”

The OP has said she thinks she’s too selfish to have kids.

RevolvingPivot · 19/05/2021 23:38

@YellowFish12

Well, yah. Surely you though about this before having the kiddos?

Aren’t there any things you DO like doing with them? Can you steer them towards those activities instead?

Your DH sounds useless tho. If you divorced you’d get every other weekend off and wouldn’t have to cook fir him 🤷‍♀️

Not all men have their kids every other weekend.

I'd rather cook 3 meals and do everything myself than not see my kids everyday.

NoProblem123 · 19/05/2021 23:41

Get yourself a very time consuming hobby and make everyone fit around you.

ChelseaChop · 19/05/2021 23:47

OP this doesn’t sound healthy or balanced

I have young children, one of whom has only just started doing formal activities. I am trying to resist the type of parenting you describe where you basically give yourself over to your children. I am setting boundaries- ie I don’t let them interrupt constantly and I don’t jump up every time they ask for something. I am trying to encourage independence.

It is my fear that I will create entitled / self centred future adults if I follow this guilt-laden, child centric style of modern mum-ing. I say mums not dads, because most men do not give up their sense of self when they become parents.

I don’t remember doing lots of activities as a child in the 80s/90s. We had to make a lot of our own fun. That was a good thing! Homework was my responsibility generally, although I would ask my parents for help if I got stuck. They were always there when I needed but not engaging with me 24/7.

I don’t do many crafts or facilitate too many activities at home. When I do lay something on my child loves it. We organise days out that we will all enjoy. I do play games with my child everyday because I really enjoy it. Maybe you need to find something that you all enjoy?

Bythemillpond · 19/05/2021 23:50

Yes there are boring bits but I think you need to look at what you do and think if it is really necessary.
I think the art is to do things you like to do and base them around children’s activities

Sitting in the park is no fun on your own so I usually met up with other mum friends and we all went as a group. Took flasks of soup and sandwiches in winter and a picnic in summer and that took care of tea.
Or going to a pub with an outdoor activity area.
We ate out quite a lot or had picnics or flasks of soups or stews. Dh always cooked his own meal as he hates my cooking.
I liked going to local farms or to the Science Museum or Natural History or other types of museums.
We spent a lot of time at Legoland or Chessington after school. Trips on the London Eye and the London Aquarium (Ds was fascinated by fish).

I really loved having young children and loved their activities. But the activities were things I liked to do so either I had weird kids who liked looking at pictures and sculptures in galleries or I had trained them well. I don’t think it was the latter

Dh worked away a lot and I must admit it was a relief when he wasn’t here as I had a really great routine that went to pot when he would be home.
Both dc did a lot of ECAs and I would either talk to the other parents (go for a coffee or to the pub or sit somewhere in the building chatting) or sometimes set my alarm on my phone and recline the seat in the car and sleep till it was time to pick them up again.

I actually miss those days.

ChelseaChop · 19/05/2021 23:50

And I agree with PP you need to get their dad to share the load!

dottiedaisee · 19/05/2021 23:55

I coped with my children because I was so lucky that all my friends had young children ...we literally met up every day for years to keep sane ! My daughter has been on her own most days because of Covid and I can say with utmost certainty that I would have gone stir crazy 😝.I think my daughter has been absolutely awesome 👏

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 19/05/2021 23:57

I loved doing all those kid things but I did make time for myself and worked. You need to say right your turn to your husband!

Megan2018 · 20/05/2021 00:05

No, my life is not like this because my DH isn’t a twat.
Divorce him @Milkminder then you’ll get plenty of time on your own especially if you go for 50/50.

My DH takes DD for plenty of time so I get half the weekend on my own and a good hour or more every evening. Plus DD likes my hobby (horses) so we actually do very little that I don’t like. I don’t like walking and we do that, but that’s it really.
I am only having DD though as I don’t want the aggravation of 2!

Mind you I am complete child and I do like parks and childrens play. So that helps.

ShrikeAttack · 20/05/2021 00:08

Your problem, as I'm sure about 200 other posters have told you, is not your children, but the useless lump of flesh that provided the sperm for their genesis.

You can keep moaning all you like about 'motherhood', but it's just deflection isn't it?

I guarantee, if you jettison him, you would lose the resentment.

Embracingthechaos · 20/05/2021 00:18

You and your DH should be sharing the load. Make it a team effort to get DC to bed at a decent time so that you get some childfree time every night after work, even if it's only for an hour.

Also, I don't agree with this idea that absolutely everything you do has to be for the children. It's nice to take them to kiddie activities, and to play boardgames with them, but it's perfectly fine to sometimes say "no, I'm not playing a board game with you after tea because I'm going to read a book. Play with your toys in your room." Or do activities that you enjoy for a part of the weekend, and either drag them along it that's possible, or just get DH to have them whilst you go out alone or with a friend. Arrange a babysitter/relative to come on Friday evenings so you can go for dinner with DH. Maybe even get pissed. Whatever you fancy.

Kids are a huge commitment but they should dictate every single second of your life, particularly once they are out of the baby/toddler stage.

Embracingthechaos · 20/05/2021 00:20

Should NOT dictate 😆

ShrikeAttack · 20/05/2021 00:22

I see posts and posts about these useless fuckers, and have friends in RL who tolerate this bollockry.

I'm not blaming women for 'putting up with it', I always assume when I read and hear about these situations, that the women in question (and the useless man), both had really shitty fathers that set a really crappy example, and so it goes on.

BUT , the great news is, you can break that chain. YOU have the power to say, 'Fuck this shit, this isn't what I want for me or my children', forget your husband, he's a gonner, he's not going to change, but your daughter? Your son? There's a chance that they could make better choices and lives if you model what they could and should be.

It might not seem like an easy option now, but you're doing it all anyway. Why not do it on your terms?

Rejoiningperson · 20/05/2021 00:23

I guess I’m hoping that your post is a well needed big old moan - and that you do find times of joy with your kids. I’m hoping this is an end of a long stretch of having to do this on your own a lot - in which case YANBU.

Because if you really do feel like this all the time, and you see your kids as just ‘deathly boring’ all the time, then yeah, YABU. You had the kids, you look after them! It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, and you have to be ‘an angel’ - but you do have to get a grip. It’s not all one way. Kids are very giving.

Lots of good advice about sharing the parenting though and giving yourself a break.

Am speaking btw as a single parent of kids one with severe disabilities so I’m not with a wonderful husband sharing parenting either by any means.

slightlysnippy · 20/05/2021 00:23

Think you have a husband problem, he needs to step up and give you time for a regular break.

When the children were young I did find it at times relentless, now the children are older much easier to find things to do we all find fun.

WTAF is with the amount of smug I'thats' why I didn't have children' posters. Your comments are not fuckin helpful.

When the children were young I did find it

ResIpsaLoquiturInterAlia · 20/05/2021 00:26

Share the child up bring responsibilities with your husband and mix it up a bit with things either you enjoy or preferably can all enjoy together as a family.

And remember you were not always a parent as your own parents probably ensured the same responsibilities previously. There were less past time options and no technological advances to enjoy and help back in the day.

Doona · 20/05/2021 00:28

WTAF is with the amount of smug I'thats' why I didn't have children' posters. Your comments are not fuckin helpful.

Right? It's like if married people stalked a dating thread and commented "this is why I'm married! Dating sounds so awful!"

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