To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

I stopped reading after the multiple meals especially for a man who does fuck all.

He wants a different meal to the family meal? He cooks.

I am sorry to say this but you do sound like you almost relish the martyrdom of it all. Hate the park? Dont go! And all those things in ONE day?! Really? Either cricket OR a board game OR the park. And no kid died from missing a bath every so often.

@Milkminder - You sound like a great Mum but it sounds like you’re doing a lot with your children, do they play independently?

Op, have you heard of women’s liberation? It’s 2021, not 1951. Give that lazy dh a kick up the arse and an ultimatum: do your fair share or fuck off.

@Echobelly

You could say the same thing about having a job I suppose!

Except you can change jobs if you hate it.

1)get ps4 out of your room. Total and utter no no.
2) set a minimum one weekly activity for you that is set in stone (yoga, solo walk, book club, meal w friend, even an early night) and DH is with kids
3) split extra curricular clubs/classes for kids 50/50 with DH
4) as the age gap is an issue what about a morning each weekend where you take 1 days and Dh the other and you have them separately?

I have only 1 DC therefore have felt less than half you pain of the boredom of kids stuff. I particularly hated the baby/toddler interminable dullness of playground, soft play etc.
I adore DC but I will quite often say no when he says 'will you do x with me'. I do a lot for/with him but have no issue with saying no. I'm not at his beck and call my every waking hour. Once your youngest is 8 plus I'd say you'll be fine as fro. That age you can have a pretty adult day with them, eg cinema, restaurant, longer walk. I love a day out with DC now, its like hanging out with a pal.

You sound so passive OP. Like you’ve just stopped expecting even a modicum of respect and care from your partner. Maybe you’re throwing yourself into your kids because you get nothing from him. Have a really hard look at your life, maybe confide in a close friend too. Nothing you’re describing is ok.

My poor mother ran herself into the ground doing far too many activities both for and with my brother and I, covering up for a dad who justified zero parenting by how hard his job was. She was utterly miserable and we sure as hell knew it. And you know what? We didn’t even particularly want to do half the stuff, it was exhausting and I used to be so envious of kids who got to go home from school or spend their weekends out on their bikes or reading or watching a bit of TV. We never went on holiday as my parents said they didn’t think they could drag us round stuff they wanted to do - the ironic thing is they had literally never even tried. I’m not sure I have the answers for you - just to let you know it’s okay to feel this way. Children are great but parenting is often shit. It’s too simplistic to to say ‘divorce DH’. If this isn’t an option you need to work out how you are going to cope - you are the only person responsible for your happiness.

So boring! All of it! Painfully dull. I was just saying to my sister today that I wonder how I could organise my life so that I have to do the minimum amount of parenting without it negatively effecting my DC, she said - become their dad! I'd love parenting if I could get away with doing the same amount of drudge work as my STBXH (i.e fuck all).

You do need to make more time for yourself though. There's no pride in martyrdom.

As the saying goes, you have a DH problem, OP. Honestly, I hear you on the boring and monotonous thing - so much of child rearing is monotonous - but you would find it so much easier if he was being a half decent parent. That's a battle you'd have to choose to fight though and it sounds as if you've had enough of fighting him if nothing changes).

Big age gaps are hard - I have 8.5 years between oldest and youngest and it is tough. You don't say how old yours are but I found it got much easier once DS1 reached an age where he could either just go out with his own mates or stay home on his own. My younger two are closer in age and do entertain each other so I can just sit in the park on my phone or whatever whilst they play.

You do seem to be doing a lot of hands on stuff. Which is fine if you like hands on stuff but lots of us don't, including you, by the sounds of it. There is absolutely no need for you to martyr yourself playing cricket or board games with the DC all the time. Tell them you'll do half an hour and then you have other things to do and they're to crack on and do something independently. Even if it's just screen time. Screen time is your friend here. I know it's frowned on in some quarters but if screen time can buy you a bit of peace then frankly just go for it.

It is also fine to be honest with your DC sometimes if you just feel you need a bit of time out. I have been known to bribe my younger two with extra pudding to just read quietly and not say the word 'mum' for at least half an hour. Or just be blunt and say 'I need a bit of time out from you, just leave me alone for a bit.'

Children need to know they are loved and wanted but at the same time it's good for them to realise they are not the centre of the world.

It’s really really hard work. However do you think you are being way too diligent and way way too nice to DP.

Can you book in like 2 things a week - yoga and a half day on Sunday and just leave DH to it, they will all live.

Stop cooking for DH, if he isn’t doing anything domestically he can sort himself out.

Can you stop being quite so diligent as a parent - leave them in front of a screen for a night or two or farm out to an after school club. Shut your bedroom door, they will go away eventually.

Can you get S1 screen out of your bedroom - back in living room w headphones, spare room hall garage - even his own room if you take away controls at night, but get them out of your bedroom, now.

I get you have given up on DH but still seems you are accommodating him too much, and not taking advantage of him as a technical adult you can dump and run on. Stop being so nice.

Why are you in this marriage? Stop being a martyr and divorce the lazy fucker.

Also, you don't need to entertain the DC so much. They need to learn to entertain themselves and to cope with being bored.

You don't sound selfish, your husband on the other hand....

Your issues is your dh.
If he actually did anything you'd have some time to yourself.

As it is, he's also chosen a hobby that takes him out for hours at a time. When are you going to book yourself a day off from being everything to everyone and get him to do his bit?

@Milkminder

If I take them somewhere I’d like to go but they wouldn’t they just moan endlessly and I find it more of a trial than a pleasure. I’d like to go to galleries (now they are reopening), for a day in the nearest city, for an unrushed look around the library that wasn’t the children’s section, for a walk around the shops where I can actually look instead of just grabbing anything that looks vaguely ok because I can’t stand the moaning anymore. I’d like to go to a painting class. I’d like to go to yoga outside at the local arboretum. But it’s on a Saturday and DH is never here in a Saturday.

You need to learn to push through the moaning ir ignore it. Having a clear agreement up front helped with mine. eg: We’re going to 3 shops so I can look for and try on work trousers. After that you can have 15 minutes in Game and then we’ll stop for a hot chocolate.

You seem like you give them alot of time, now I feel guilty that I don't put enough one on one time with mine!

@Milkminder

I haven’t even got any space because DH put the PS4 in our bedroom as he has the tv in the living room and now inevitably dc1 is in there in the evening.

Unplug it and put it in DS1's bedroom. He'll figure out how to reconnect it if he wants to badly enough. If he's old enough to play chess at 10pm then he's old enough to have something like that in his bedroom. Tell your husband you are booking this/next Saturday and will be out for the day/from Friday night. If he wants to cycle he needs to sort a babysitter and pay for it. Either stop being such a doormat or get a divorce and for ffs stop cooking his meals !

@Milkminder

DH is part of my problem but I’ve tried before to get him to change and he does for about one week and then it’s business as usual.

Erm I think yoga started at 8.30. It was the relax class. It was soothing and I used to sleep well afterwards.

The real issue is that you're not selfish enough.

You never put yourself first,or get any free time so of course you are resentful.

Tonight you should've cooked for yourself instead of DH (if you only had enough energy for one) and let him sort himself out.

Refuse to look after the kids at the weekend when he does his hobby. "Sorry love, I'm going shopping/out with Mary/washing my hair/watching paint dry."

Send him out with them to soft play or whatever.

Kids come to you,send them to him.

Tell him he's doing bath, reading or whatever.

I haven't cooked for OH for 5 years. His dick hasn't fallen off.

There is a strong touch of martyr running through your posts OP.

Put your kids to bed at a decent time, even if it's just to be in their rooms. And sort your DH out.

If you act like a doormat, you can't moan when people wipe their feet on you.

Our DS (5) Has always had to fit into our schedule, he goes all the fun places however he also has to be bored to learn how to self entertain himself as he will be bored many times in life.

You don't have to do all the "expected mum things" ..just do you! Go where you want and the kids will have to entertain themselves there if they get bored. Or take an iPad/books for them as last resort .

I hated groups , soft play etc . I do go soon as it opens and by the time im leaving it's getting busy ! .
Take books, a friend, buy a coffee and nice cake for you etc treat yourself.

Also your older DC can take your younger child in the soft play while you have a break.
Get your DH to appreciate you . Stop doing all that you do washing, cleaning etc and start going out more ! .

YANBU. I did realise that the time you spend with DC is shit but I thought there’d be less of it. Honestly I thought other people would help by babysitting so I can live my life. That’s what I saw happening with other people’s DC... I saw lots of mums living their lives while their DC were elsewhere, so I quite reasonably expected the same. DS has two grans and grandads, two aunties, and none of them ever fucking take him. Yet all around me I see mums swanning off while their DC have sleepovers with cousins and spend whole weekends with grandparents. It makes me so jealous.

"Diligent" is a good word to describe how you seem to be parenting, OP. Stop being so diligent.

The answer to DS1 when he asks if you fancy a game of chess is 'no, sorry, darling, I really don't. I'm tired and I just want to chill out for a bit. Why don't you go and watch TV? Or go on the IPad a bit? Help yourself to a snack. Love you lots, see you later.'

And then go and lie on the sofa.

Honestly, it is possible to get a bit of time for yourself. Even if your DH is useless.

I'm not saying never ever play games with them, but there is no need to be super parent every night of the week.

@Milkminder

Mine is. It’s constant. Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

This sounds exhausting quite frankly. After school I chucked mine out in the garden to play, then dinner, bath and bed. Then tv, reading, knitting etc Went for a swim or a run at the weekend, absolutely no rushing around to activities. The odd day out here and there.

You really must find time to do things for yourself OP
I kept up my hobbies or I would have gone mad.

You aren't selfish at all. You might not like doing these things but you do them anyway. I felt guilty reading your post as I don't do some of the things with my kids. I.e park for hour, I can barely manage 30 mins. Prob 20 mins tops, and that's like max once a week! Play boardgames... Err at Xmas sometimes! Play sports games... I've never done that with mine. Does kicking a ball while on a walk count?!😂 so actually, you are doing a great job of making your kids happy even if you don't like it.

Ditch your useless husband and that way you will get time to yourself when he's forced to actually parent them 50/50, or even eow.

Find a reason to leave the house without children at least twice a week. I know food shopping isn't a 'treat' and your DH is an extra man child for you BUT 1x yoga/ week 1x alone food shop a week is at least a start! I would also put 1x adult catch up in there.

DON'T ASK DH to 'BABYSIT' tell him it's booked/ planned and walk out the door! He is an adult human and will get on with it (with much protesting)