To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

You should have a cut off of 9pm each eve. Start getting younger dc to bed at 8.30 if the routine takes a while. Older dc is to understand no games, no engaging after 9pm. You are off duty. Watch what you like on tv. Older dc goes elsewhere with a tablet and headphones. At least this gives you an hour in the eve not to be answering questions, dealing with things.

Don't do loads of activities either. Let them watch tv or ipad every day for a while.

Another idea is to go for a walk as soon as dh comes in from work. Dcs probably won't want to accompany you. If they do, fine. Even 20 mins alone or with one dc will clear your head.

Go on a small errand alone from time to time. You can sit in the car and get 15 mins break alone during the errand.

When you do all this and feel stronger, then you can talk to dh and will have the strength to be more firm.

My dcs are 9 and 11 now. Pre covid we were out of the house working from 8am til 6pm. Then it was dinner, homework activities. I had to carve out time for myself. Dh won't prearrange to give me time so every so often I have an 'appointnent', 'training' in another city for work with overnight stay. I also had to get time to rest at weekends along with housework etc. I had rules, no attending loads of parties, loads of activities. One activity or outing done at the weekend.

It is not your responsibility if dc has no friends. I suspect I am not nt and had few friends. My mother worked full time and I have a much younger sibling. My mother would only go to town with us every 3rd Sat. She said I was selfish to push for more as she was our working. Same with holudays in my late teens, early 20s. Because I had no one, I made friends eventually to go places with, and even went on city breaks to Europe alone in my 20s. It is not all your tesponsibility.

Snog I don’t know really, force of habit? Fear of the unknown? Don’t want to upset him and the dc? Don’t want to lose my dc 50% of the time and actually think they’d struggle even with every other weekend because they are not used to him being the parent. That he has a temper and if he’s stressed he’s likely to shout at them A LOT. I don’t think he will hurt them physically but I think he will be scary. However it will never meet the threshold for him not being able to see them so they will have to see him and it will damage them.

But they are being damaged now

You’re raising them to accept that your lazy arsehole husband is normal, and that will be their model for their adult relationships

Fine if you don’t want to leave due to concerns about the kids having time alone with H, but I’d stop doing anything for your H. I’d stop cooking washing shopping etc for him. He sounds like an utter selfish arse.

@Mabelene

But they are being damaged now

You’re raising them to accept that your lazy arsehole husband is normal, and that will be their model for their adult relationships

I agree and not only that OP but actually not saying no to them isnt healthy either. People needs boundaries and you arent giving them any of getting them to understand that you have them

By constantly saying yes and not upsetting them you arent allowing them to regulate their own emotions either.

Please seek some professional help as to moving forward with this both in your relationship and in parenting.

It won’t be so hard and all-consuming forever op so take heart It is these years of your kids life that will be the most full on but it gets better. I found that they gradually need you less and less until one day it becomes manageable. I did have to get over feelings (when I was out the ither end) that I’d been taken over and consumed by it all and there was nothing given back to me. I think though, I underestimated the love my kids had for me because on some level they knew I was giving everything to them. I sound like a bloody martyr but I’m definitely not!! I struggled with it too. You temporarily lose a bit of yourself having kids and sometimes it feels never ending. It’s not.
Plan your life for when they need you less.
Drip feed into your life some hobbies/interests when you can.
It’ll all come good and you’ll be so proud of your efforts. You will be rewarded.

Oh yes - get your husband to do more too!!! He needs to pull his finger out.

@Milkminder

Snog I don’t know really, force of habit? Fear of the unknown? Don’t want to upset him and the dc? Don’t want to lose my dc 50% of the time and actually think they’d struggle even with every other weekend because they are not used to him being the parent. That he has a temper and if he’s stressed he’s likely to shout at them A LOT. I don’t think he will hurt them physically but I think he will be scary. However it will never meet the threshold for him not being able to see them so they will have to see him and it will damage them.

So now you getting to the issue

You all scared of his moods

That he is a nasty shout man
Better the dc live in peace with you most of the time

Given he refuses to card for d them he won't want them 50 per cent will he?

Do you think your ds will grow up to be a 50/50 helpmate and father? Of course not! He already thinks it's your job to pander to him because he knows no different. He sees dh doing fuck all every day so assumes life is like that and women have no other purpose than to cater for men. Stop the rot now!

"I don’t know really, force of habit? Fear of the unknown?"
Really it is the known that is scary here

"Don’t want to upset him and the dc?"
Why do you care about upsetting DH he doesn't give a stuff about upsetting you. The DC will be happier and healthier out of this set up and with a healthier happier and more functional mother.

"Don’t want to lose my dc 50% of the time"
Will DH even want 50% of the time? Seems highly unlikely. Older D.C. is already old enough to choose not to see his dad at all.

"and actually think they’d struggle even with every other weekend because they are not used to him being the parent. That he has a temper and if he’s stressed he’s likely to shout at them A LOT. I don’t think he will hurt them physically but I think he will be scary. However it will never meet the threshold for him not being able to see them so they will have to see him and it will damage them"
So he is an abusive parent. Better that he abuses his DC EOW than everyday abuse of DC and you. You are all frogs in a saucepan right now and can't see what is happening to you.

You didn't answer the questions about if he likes you, respects you, values you, cares about your needs, I guess the answer is no to all of them?

But my daughter will still have to go - possibly alone - and that’s even worse. Her brother doesn’t have to go but I send her?

I don’t feel he values me etc because if he did then I feel as though he’d treat me less like a possession and more like a person.

@PyjamaFan

This is precisely why I chose not to have children.

Me too :)

Your children are going to grow up repeating this cycle.

@Milkminder
I know you probably think that you don't have the mental/emotional (and potentially physical and/or financial) resources to leave your husband, but you do, you have and you can. Also you can ask for help.
I know you are finding the children draining but I think you are seriously underestimating how much of the problem is your husband and how much better you would all be out of this situation.
Please speak to someone IRL about your situation and let them help you out plans in place to leave, or preferably kick him out. 💐

DH may be much less stressed with only one child to look after so it may be fine for your DD. If DH does find it stressful though he probably will stop seeing his kids from what you have said or maybe take one out for 2 hours every so often.

@Milkminder

And also returned with frozen home made meals she’d made in case I ‘wasn’t up to cooking.’ Only for him though 😂😂

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read!!!! you'd just had major surgery and had a newborn, and he went to his mums with his washing and brought food back just for him??? he didn't even think about you eating? all he thought about was him not eating. that shows exactly what he sees you as, chief cook and bottlewash and nothing more, to him you're not his wife....you're the help!!!! why are you still with him?

@Milkminder

But my daughter will still have to go - possibly alone - and that’s even worse. Her brother doesn’t have to go but I send her?

I don’t feel he values me etc because if he did then I feel as though he’d treat me less like a possession and more like a person.

He cannot put her to bed now can he?

Maybe he takes her to Mil or for couple hours
You cross that bridge later
Stop making excuses
You can change your life for the better
If you choose to

@Poppy1968 @PyjamaFan Do bore off and go and congratulate yourselves somewhere other than MUMSnet would you? I wouldn't join a website called 'infertilitynet' and crawl all over it dropping posts about how marvellous my life is WITH children. Can you stop being so insensitive.

There are a few people here trying to help OP recognise that she doesn't so much have a problem with finding her children boring, as she's had a lifesized millstone round her neck for the last 12 years who doesn't even like her enough to get her food when she's recovering from major surgery. How would you deal with that one?

She deserves some time for her, and the other parent can't even fetch himself a meal, never mind give her 2 hours of respite in the week.

She deserves better. From him and from you.

@Milkminder I thought that the frozen meals for him after your c-section was about the saddest thing I'd ever read, right up until 'I don’t feel he values me etc because if he did then I feel as though he’d treat me less like a possession and more like a person.'

Clearly things aren't right in your household, he's been brought up to expect you to be his servant not his equal, and both you and your children are suffering as a result of his live-in neglect.

Please book an appointment with your GP, citizens advice, Relate or a women's help centre and find someone with experience of these situations to help you find a healthy path out of this. It is not right and you deserve so much more. Give your children an extra hug tonight...you are the most incredible woman, doing an amazing job in the circumstances, and there will be a path to make this better for you. xxx

"it’s the dc that are an emotional drain - and I know that doesn’t sound kind, but that’s how it feels some of the time"

Imagine a teacher has her own class of 30 kids and there's another teacher with a class of 30 kids next door. The other teacher decides he cannot be arsed to teach today or ever, despite it being his job. He sits there and ignores the students. Eventually they all work their way into the other classroom, and the responsible teacher ends up teaching 60 kids.

It might be the 30 extra kids that make her incredibly exhausted and reaching for wine the minute she gets in the door. But is the underlying cause of it the kids? Or the teacher who neglects his duties because he's "tired"?

There's a ratio of one parent to each child in your house. It's just your partner is shirking family life and making the whole thing a misery by neglecting his role as a father and a husband.

And it's not just you, but the kids who are suffering the consequences.

@Milkminder
that's a very good analogy.
especially if that poor teacher has to be looking after 60 kids every day

When you are in this kind of situation it's really difficult to understand how damaging it is to your children, it's so easy to think that you are insulating them from damage by your own behaviour, by sacrificing yourself to shield them.

One day you will understand more clearly the damage that is currently happening to your children on an emotional level. I really hope that day is soon and not in 15 years time when it is too late to change their fate.
I do not think it is obvious to you OP how damaging the current situation is to your kids because from your posts it is clear how much you love them and if you recognised the effects I am sure that however difficult it was for you you would already have left DH.

Counselling would help you to re-assess your situation and to see what you are currently blind to, but I am guessing there is zero chance that DH will permit you to have counselling as he controls your life. Try asking him, see what he says.

This is an unhealthy, controlling and emotionally abusive relationship OP. Unfortunately emotional abuse is much harder to recognise than other forms of abuse, if you research it this may help you. You have already said there is no respect or love here for you.

Take action for yourself and if you can't do it for yourself then please do it for your kids. There is help and support available. If DH was sexually or physically abusing your kids you would leave him. He is an emotional abuser. It's no less damaging - but it's easier to ignore, your family is like frogs in a pan of water being slowly boiled by DH.

But my daughter will still have to go - possibly alone - and that’s even worse. Her brother doesn’t have to go but I send her?

I can almost guarantee he's have her at his mum's. Is she a vaguely adequate caregiver? Does she shout? Because I don't think for a second your DD would be cared for by him alone.

I keep thinking of those yoga sessions in the arboretum.

Could you start by making joining that an absolute priority? ( Get a babysitter if you need to, it isn’t for that long each week,)

This sounded so special for you that it might be a first step that would help change the course of yours and your family’s life in a more positive direction.

Your "problem" isn't your children, its your partner. I've been a single parent for the whole of my Childs life and I've enjoyed it immensely because of having no partner or having to wash his skid marked pants. You sound if you have depression and you need to be referred to someone by your doctor. Your husband is a total arse and needs to be told the truth by someone on your side