To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

@Milkminder

I did my own and the dc’s washing as soon as I could and we just muddled through til then.

That is really shocking to me. There are tales of abusive husbands on here all the time, but what this says about his attitude is really appalling.

You were recovering from major surgery, and he didnt think to FEED YOU?! Or the kids? And acts like his service robot mark 2 has malfunctioned and his laundry (only his?!?) needs to go to service robot mark 1.

I mean, normally women come on, talk about their useless partner and say, 'oh but he's a great dad'

You sure can't claim that, so what is it that you believe this man brings to your family?

You work so I assume you must have money. Can't you even just order a pizza one evening for everybody so dinner is sorted, put DD to bed an hour earlier, and go out with a friend or to an evening class? I feel like you have an excuse for everything, but something has to change. If she does not settle or does not go to bed on a Friday, the world won't end. She can sleep in the next day.

Jesus just get rid. Even if he never takes the kids at least he’s not hanging around the house pissing you off. You would actually have less to do. He’s literally making work for you. You don’t have to live like this. You get one life don’t let the years grind you down to nothing.

He’s horrible and this is not normal, its not normal at all. I don’t know anyone who's family life is this unbalanced (and I come from quite a misogynistic culture). Every bloke in my family takes their kids out and does some cooking and cleaning. This is crushing you, he doesn’t care about what you have to do as long as he has an easy life.

I do tend to get take away once a week. Usually on whichever day I’m feeling the most exhausted.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF YOUR HUSBAND?

He gives no thought to you ever, as the postpartum meals demonstrate, so why do I care so much more upsetting him.

He may prefer the child to be asleep, but if you need to be somewhere earlier then its not possible.

Stop being so passive and putting up with this

Milkminder are you a people pleaser do you struggle to say no to things because it seems that everytime your family make demands you acquiesce. Do your children ever spend time watching tv or on an Ipad?

You need to work on your own boundaries I think and get in place some counselling to enable you to actually have a view and to put yourself first. That should be your starting point in all of this

It is increasingly clear that you are going to have to say no to what he wants at some point, even if you don't feel like you can leave him. I am not talking out of my hat. My DH works very long hours in a very stressful job, and I have been a SAHM in the past. But even though at that point we were not doing equal parenting or housework, I still went out in the evenings and on the weekends while he looked after the kids. It also worries me that your DC do not have friends. ( tho of course it is a pandemic). Friends for them and for me is what got me through the tough early years.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

Well of course he does, lazy thoughtless man.

He doesn’t get to decide all of this. Send him home to his mother. You’ll find your life do much better.

Dont blame your MiL for your dh. He's a selfish prick in his own right.

So what are you going to do about it?

@Milkminder

Unfortunately his attitude comes from bis mother - who describes a man looking after his own children as ‘babysitting’ and says men work so hard they need to relax.

Yes but it's you putting up with it which makes you as bad as his mother.

By putting up with it your making it appear that's is ok.

You need to get a backbone OP. I haven't RTFT but think it's fair to warn him you are at breaking point and need help and if you don't get that help the. The relationship is over. If things still don't change then consider leaving

@Milkminder

I do tend to get take away once a week. Usually on whichever day I’m feeling the most exhausted.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

What happens when he doesn't get what he wants? Does he get aggressive? Why do you listen to what he wants? Just laugh and go

Or does he scream and shout at you ? Hit things? Sulk? Shout at dc?
How does he tell you "you must put dc to bed first" ?

OP I’m a midwife and that thing about the meals is one of the cuntiest things I’ve ever heard someone do to their wife after a CS.

Your "problem" isn't your children, its your partner. I've been a single parent for the whole of my Childs life and I've enjoyed it immensely because of having no partner or having to wash his skid marked pants. You sound if you have depression and you need to be referred to someone by your doctor. Your husband is a total arse and needs to be told the truth by someone on your side

I don't think your selfish. I think doing childrens activities all the time is boring and mind numbing. Try and have some time for yourself, doing something you enjoy.

I can just imagine my MILs response if DH turned up with his washing. It would contain some quite colourful language!!

Seriously though Op, this isn't a good relationship. He is abusive and controlling.
Every little bit of his of his behaviour is completely out of order.

He is preventing you from enjoying your children and that is unforgivable.

I don't feel this way at all. I love my kids and have lots of fun with them :)

It's no wonder you feel like like this though I've only skimmed the thread.

Your husband is useless.

It shouldn't and doesn't need to be like this.

Oh @Milkminder, it's all coming out now isn't it? I hope those who were quick to jump on early and deride you as a poor mother who should never have had kids will join some of those who have back-pedalled hard.

When you got together with your DH, presumably there was an expectation that you would carry the household, because that's the background he came from? But that doesn't mean you have to continue the work of his mother in allowing him to live the lifestyle of a man in the 1950s!

You haven't mentioned your family at all. Are your parents still in the picture? Did you grow up in a household like this?

It sounds like you love your children dearly, and you really do give an enormous amount to ensure they are well balanced and cared for.

But no-one other than your husband and his family would expect you to do all you do. Not your GP. Not citizens advice. Not a family judge in the divorce court. Not anyone in support services at women's aid.

Maybe have an online chat with them? chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Or book an appointment with your GP to explain you're at breaking point. You can discuss that you seem to be doing remarkably well and aren't coming asking for anti-anxiety or depression medication, but that time talking to someone to boost your self-confidence and build skills to improve your situation would be the best medicine of all. Counselling services are incredibly stretched at the moment, but I would remain hopeful that a conversation with a good GP might mean you are given support to access some local services to build your confidence in the fact that - since you're doing all this on your own anyway - you might be better off letting the third child go running back to Mummy so you don't have to carry his dead weight through your life as well.

I'm really hopeful that you can reconnect with some friends in person, go for a walk with them and talk this through, even if it's with both kids wandering around the park with you on a Saturday at the moment. This pandemic has been incredibly isolating, and emotional abusers love to isolate partners from their support networks. It makes it far easier to pass off the fact that you are their 24-7 skivvy as 'normal'.

I think you've had a real awakening through this thread that your situation is not the norm. And it's not your children's fault you are resenting it. Try to find some local in-person support to talk this through with.

If you stop cooking and cleaning for him and he runs home to mummy, how much worse would your life be? Getting a line in the sand with someone like a GP to document the fact he doesn't lift a finger would help if it did come to divorce. Would you be able to survive financially for now if he did move back to his Mum? It will help if you can get it on record in a couple of places that he does nothing to help. Then stop doing some of it and see what happens.

You deserve help with half the work, or half the money. Please don't let his mother's approach to life grind you down for another generation.

Have a read and a think www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Wow.
I'm so sorry OP that you are living like this. It will be very hard to change but you can do it.
I think you'll need some space in which to have calm to think things through and form a plan. Your commute might be long enough. Do you have friends you can discuss this with? Use them too. You have the goal here in this thread, all the advice you've been given and the descriptions of how other couples live-aim for that. Just need to change the way you consider EVERYTHING!
Every time you catch yourself thinking I can't, or he won't bring yourself back to the goal.
All the helpful folk here are willing you on and will hold your hand through it, I've seen it many times.

@Milkminder

If I stop doing Dh’s washing he’ll take it to his mum’s! That’s what he did when I had a c section after dc2 and dc1.

Let him move to his mother then. You will ve happier without his wants aNd needs

How can you even look at him, not to mind have him touch.

He is a lazy waster.

Christ, my BP reading your posts OP.

I think it would be very useful if you actually answered the question that many posters have asked which is why are you with this man?
Is it for financial reasons?
Do you feel that he likes you?
Do you feel that he respects you?
Do you feel that he values you?
Do you think he feels that your needs are important?

I think it would be very useful if you actually answered the question that many posters have asked which is why are you with this man?
Is it for financial reasons?
Do you feel that he likes you?
Do you feel that he respects you?
Do you feel that he values you?
Do you think he feels that your needs are important?

This ^

@Milkminder

I do tend to get take away once a week. Usually on whichever day I’m feeling the most exhausted.

DH wants dc2 to be asleep before I go out. It wouldn’t worry me if she were still awake. That’s what makes it tricky to arrange anything.

So what if that’s what he wants? So fucking what? He’s a parent, isn’t he? An adult? He can deal with it - and if he can’t what fucking use is he in your life?

Please take the less rage-y advice of the poster up thread who’s kindly signposted you to women’s aid etc to talk. You are being ground down. Your children will suffer if that happens. You are their only functional parent and you need to put on your own oxygen mask, take a deep, deep breath and see things more clearly.

He gives you nothing.
You deserve to be free of that.

I have/had this problem. I am divorcing the problem and looking forward to having every other weekend to myself.
I totally feel for you on the age gap OP, the little one likes the swings, the big one is bored. If your DH isn't stepping up then time for a change. He will enjoy his quality time with them every other week I'm sure. And fuck the cooking for him. He would fucking starve before I make him a special dinner. My days of doing 3 dinners like some kind of hotel kitchen are over!