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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

813 replies

Milkminder · 19/05/2021 20:14

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 21/05/2021 07:27

@Milkminder

If I stop doing Dh’s washing he’ll take it to his mum’s! That’s what he did when I had a c section after dc2 and dc1.
Jesus Christ!
Original poster
Milkminder · 21/05/2021 07:28

Well they moved in with her when I was in hospital but when I came out of hospital I wasn’t really very well for another couple of weeks so he took his washing over.

OP posts:
JadedStrumpet · 21/05/2021 07:29

So let him take it to his mums! If she's happy to wash the underwear of a grown child then that's on her. In fact there's one of your answers as to why he's such a useless man child.

Original poster
Milkminder · 21/05/2021 07:29

And also returned with frozen home made meals she’d made in case I ‘wasn’t up to cooking.’
Only for him though 😂😂

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 21/05/2021 07:30

Apologies OP - I was one of the posters who queried why the normal childcare stuff had come as an unpleasant surprise to you, but it sounds as if thos is all down to the fact that you have a selfish, useless husband. Just because you're used to his uselessness, that doesn't mean you have to continue tolerating it.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/05/2021 07:32

let him take washing to his mums.

The more you say the worse it gets.

So not only does he do no childcare at all. He doesn't do anything domestic, even unloading the dishwasher.

You don't need to put up with this.

Stop being so passive and get angry

JadedStrumpet · 21/05/2021 07:32

@Milkminder You're putting laughing emojis on that comment but there is absolutely nothing funny about it.
There is nothing amusing about a man thinking so little of his recovering from surgery wife that he doesn't even think to get her food. Your MIL is just as bad. They are both a disgrace.

You do not see how terrible your situation is but we can see it. You deserve better, your children deserve better.

What is keeping you with this man?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 21/05/2021 07:33

@Milkminder

And also returned with frozen home made meals she’d made in case I ‘wasn’t up to cooking.’ Only for him though 😂😂
Then his mum can look after him!

You're not his mum and it's not your responsibility just because he behaves like a child.

JadedStrumpet · 21/05/2021 07:35

Also, who was doing your washing when you were recovering from major surgery? I've had a section myself and I understand just how hard the recovery time is. They should have been doing all they could to aide your recovery. It's called basic human decency.

Original poster
Milkminder · 21/05/2021 07:39

I did my own and the dc’s washing as soon as I could and we just muddled through til then.

OP posts:
CatsPyjama · 21/05/2021 07:39

Why do you stay with him? Genuinely? He’s a joke. He’s utterly useless.

It’s convenient that the one day he’s around, Sunday, is so called family time, when he does fuck all the rest of the week. Actually he’s using that to make sure you don’t go out incase he has to do some parenting.

What do you want to happen? Peri sally I would send him to his mums permanently then he can take the kids round there half the week.

grapewine · 21/05/2021 07:41

@Milkminder

And also returned with frozen home made meals she’d made in case I ‘wasn’t up to cooking.’ Only for him though 😂😂
WTF? This is so awful. What is the actual point of him?
Comtesse · 21/05/2021 07:42

This useless article empties the dishwasher twice since Christmas and you feel grateful?? Some days I empty the dishwasher twice and I have a big job, work long hours, and my DH is a SAHD. He is freaking useless. I would be SO angry - raise your bar OP.

JadedStrumpet · 21/05/2021 07:43

@Milkminder I'd have Divorced him for that alone. Seriously I would.

Again. What is keeping you in this marriage? Your life could be so much better.

I am a lone parent. It's really hard but at least I no longer have to deal with the rage of watching my useless ex be useless. You are already a single parent, only you've got an adult man child to care for as well.

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2021 07:44

@Milkminder

And also returned with frozen home made meals she’d made in case I ‘wasn’t up to cooking.’ Only for him though 😂😂
That’s not funny. It’s cruel.
Dishwashersaurous · 21/05/2021 07:44

He's so thoughtless that its actually cruel.

I understand that this is a shock, you came on for a general moan about the monotony of life, and have discovered that you are married to a useless, uncaring, thoughtless man.

But please don't let this be your life.

You have the power to change things.

Frequentflier · 21/05/2021 07:45

I can see that you do not want to leave or confront your DH for reasons of your own. Ok. Maybe you can come to it in time.

However, there are still things you can sort out with your DC. You blame the large age gap. I have a 4.5 year gap with my DC and loved it. One child was independent before the other came along. They have v different interests ; one played football, so the other had to come along with a book and wait until her brother's matches were over.

You need to draw some boundaries with your DC. Expecting you to talk and play games at 10 pm is just ridiculous. Certainly the 12-yr-old should know better. Just say no.

You need some mom friends. Go to the park or the farm with them. I may have missed it - such a long frustrating thread- but you don't mention any friends of the DC. Why are you playing cricket with them? That's for their friends to do. Post covid, surely they can go on play dates by themselves, and then you can host another time.

You seem very stuck in this martyr mind set: everything's on me and I have to be always on. Honestly, no mothers do this much and they should not have to.

Voomster953 · 21/05/2021 07:46

Don’t call him ‘DH’. He’s not. He’s a useless selfish cunt.

And you need to stop ‘😂’ ing about it and wake up. Your marriage is appalling.

Original poster
Milkminder · 21/05/2021 07:47

Dc1 has no friends (well, he has one friend but he’s not keen to engage with him for long) and dc2 has friends at school but - partly due to the pandemic - hasn’t met out of school with them.

OP posts:
homemadecookie · 21/05/2021 07:47

Sorry you're feeling so fed up. I am a single mum to teenage twins and can feel the same way as you. I have always put them first and now I am fighting back and doing my own thing as well as running around after them. Your DH needs to man-up and step-up. It's not good for the children to see you do everything and Dad does hardly anything. You're teaching them that your mental health doesn't matter, and it so does... you're the glue keeping this family working.

Can you write down all the things you do and ask all of them to take one of the chores off you? Give them responsibility for something even if it's making dinner once a week. Could you do an online exercise class where the kids join you if they want (exercise can release hormones which will help your mood). Start prioritising your own mental health before it's too late. This is your warning that things aren't right. Nothing changes if nothing changes, you will just fall deeper and deeper into negative feelings. What would you tell a friend if she were in your situation? You deserve more than this 💐

NoSquirrels · 21/05/2021 07:48

Your DC drain you emotionally because you have no support.

Their father is pathetic. Selfish, lazy, cruel.

You haven’t given one good thing about him on this thread- not even the practically compulsory statement from wives of lazy loser blokes that ‘I do love him and he’s a good bloke really’. (Clearly you cannot claim he’s a ‘good dad’).

Why do you stay?

You don’t have to tell me, but you do have to be honest with yourself. Why do you stay?

Heatherjayne1972 · 21/05/2021 07:48

You’re definitely not selfish op. You’re giving to everyone except yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup

Original poster
Milkminder · 21/05/2021 07:48

Unfortunately his attitude comes from bis mother - who describes a man looking after his own children as ‘babysitting’ and says men work so hard they need to relax.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/05/2021 07:50

@Milkminder

Unfortunately his attitude comes from bis mother - who describes a man looking after his own children as ‘babysitting’ and says men work so hard they need to relax.
Send him home to Mummy, then.

You’re not HIS mother.

BoomChicka · 21/05/2021 07:51

God yes, but when you try to highlight the boredom to childless people they usually look at you like you're a monster! When dd was younger the highlight of my day was the 10 minutes after dropping her at school before I walked into work. She's 11 and I still sit in the car on the drive for 10 minutes after work before going into the house, it's the only few minutes of the day I am alone.

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