To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

The reason why one is suddenly enough for some couples.

I thought motherhood was going to be soo wonderful. And it was to start with.
I grew up the eldest of 5 daughters. There's massive age gaps too. I'm 33 the others are 26 25 24 23 (two sisters by my mum and the other two by my dad - they broke up before I was even born)
We did soo much girly stuff growing up. I am still really girly.
I'm now the (very proud) mother of 3 boys - 2, 7 and 12.
Everything they want to do is soo boring to me. Dirt, mess, mud. All day long. They all love creepy crawlies and I literally can't think of anything worse. My eldest loves to pick up snails and worms and slugs and I run in complete repulsion 😬
They are also totally crazy and funny and wonderfully weird. I am mum of boys. Boy maker.
It's not all its cracked up to be some of the time but most of the time it's a total adventure and I learn every single day.
Raising children is so much hard work. It can be dull but it can be amazing too. It is what you make it.
You are definitely NBU tho.

Divorce your husband and stop being so wet. I'm sorry if that's harsh but that's reality.

I have almost the same kid situation. One little and one older with ASD. There is no way I'm doing board games and chess in the evening. He knows he can stay up but it's in his room quietly, he can read or audiobooks.

My dh cooks, does school runs, sport with dc, dishes, washing, bed time, baths, etc. Your husband is not normal, he's a selfish waste of space that serves no purpose in your life. Get rid of him and get your life back.

Divorce your DH. Seriously. What is he contributing to family life, other than leaving you in a constant state of exhaustion? Then you'd get time for you every other weekend at least.

@Milkminder I'm really quite worried for you. You have presented multiple reasons why your husband wouldn't be happy with any change at all to the status quo, and not one example of something he currently does do to contribute to the upbringing of his own children!

You can't imagine yourself in the kind of relationship where parenting tasks and housework are shared equally between a couple. You are worried that if you take up just the smallest of the multiple practical suggestions that have been made on this thread to improve your lot in life, he 'won't like it'.

What is your cultural background? Did your mother wait hand and foot on your father? Was your DH a little prince who mummy doted on at home until he shipped in with you? Do you know any other families where the male actually contributes to cooking a meal, or taking his children out to do an activity without their mother?

I can sort of see how this might seem like a mystical land that others inhabit, and perhaps you have not been taught how to have the cajones to just walk out of the house for 3 hours and let him deal with it, as several of us have suggested? I hope the reason isn't that he would hurt you physically when you returned? Or withdraw money from you? If it's not, maybe just be brave enough to try it!

He literally has no idea how to parent, or cook - because you do it all for him. But if you went under a bus or ended up with terminal cancer (god forbid), he would just have to get on with it, and you facilitating his lifelong laziness is not actually helping him, should something awful ever actually happen to you. It would be beneficial for him to fully complete the process of 'growing up' rather than perpetually living as a spoilt teenager who keeps his own schedule, with no responsibilities, and finds food and clean clothes magically available every time he needs them!

It doesn't sound like you discuss these things to try to find different ways to resolve them really, either? I would certainly be starting with 'how does staying in bed all morning, while I take both children out for DS to do rugby, count as family time?'. If he's in bed, open the door, gently push DD in to give him a kiss & read him a book, and GO.

It's dispiriting that you can't visualise yourself ever actually doing this. It is the change that can unlock how you feel about your time with your kids. It sounds like you are giving them EVERYTHING and are a superhuman mother, no wonder you are bored!

Who does DH spend time with on a Saturday? Golf? Football? Pub? A religious group? There must be one male somewhere in that circle who gets his Saturday doing that activity and there is some give and take with the woman in his life having similar time for her pursuits? Can you talk to both her and him? Can you recruit him to put a flea in DH's ear about redressing the balance?

You need real world allies for this, and even the simplest tasks to claw back a little time for yourself rely on an open and honest conversation with DH about why it's not OK for you to carry the load, and him giving you back some hours in your week. Even if it's just starting with getting the infernal PS4 out of your bedroom so you can close the door at 9pm for some peace & quiet, a yoga video or a good book.

If you can't have that conversation, or get 2 hours a week to leave your home and family for an activity of your own, rest assured there are other men out there who would have that conversation with you! Maybe it would be appropriate to leave your current joy vacuum and get out there and find one...

why don't you do anything you want to do?
by yourself, or with your friends or your family?

I'm sorry I can't read the full thread but your first post sounds like you have never put your foot down to carve out time to do what you want.

we have 7 kids.
I taught all of them from an early age that sometimes I'm not available and I need time to myself. That they have 2 parents and if they want something I'm not their only option to ask for stuff if DH is home.
And in fact, depending on age & need, they probably could get stuff done independently.
I have said "no" to them many times and the world didn't end.

I wouldn't survive if I only ever did what everyone else wanted. fuck that shit.

go and do something you want. get your own.
even if it means they have to miss out on something they want. you are important too, so teach them that.

And perhaps trying to be more upbeat about how this could work out, let's think of a path for how a positive conversation with your husband could go...

OP: DH, you spend 8 hours on a Saturday cycling, and I never have any time to leave the house on my own.

DH: You have every Xday afternoon on your own.

OP: I use that time to do the washing/shopping/tidy the house so it's done for the week - that's time to look after all 4 of us, not for my choice of activity.

DH: Well you just need to be more organised. Do that stuff at the weekend and you can do whatever you like that afternoon without the kids. [or something like this statement. I'm sure!]

OP: Well I don't have enough hours before pickup to do X activity then, and with DS's ASD, I'm never able to take him to the supermarket at the weekend, but it would work if YOU did the shopping every week. I also need an evening/4 hours at the weekend on a regular basis to get out and do ONE thing with friends.

DH: Well yoga class.

OP: Good point. By the way, the yoga classes are all open again, but they are at 6.30pm instead. It's great that you've suggested I restart, I really appreciate your support. To get to that class every Xday evening, I'm going to need you to cook dinner and do the kids bedtime so they are asleep and there's some dinner waiting for me when I get back.

DH: har har har

OP: Well, really. Think about what would happen if I had to go into hospital for an operation for a couple of weeks. You're X years old. I can't really have you not able to cook a meal and put your own children to bed, can I? What kind of a wife have I been if I haven't given you the skills to stay alive without me!?

DH: Well you could make double dinner the night before I suppose. I'd get my Mum to come and stay with us if you went into hospital.

OP: Well that's not a very rounded suggestion is it? There are men who cook meals all the time. You can watch them on the telly and everything. And DD would love to spend some more time with you. She's soooooo good at reading now. She'd love for you to do bath and bedtime story with her.

DH: But she always comes to you, she doesn't really like me.

OP: Well we need to do something about that don't we? What kind of a man are you if neither of your children want to spend time with you? I've failed again by not letting you build a strong enough relationship with them. I tell you what, let's start this Sunday. After lunch, I'll go out for a walk and a coffee with [friend], and you can play a board game just the three of you. Then DD can read to you while DS finishes his homework. I'll be back by 5, then I can show you how to make [simple meal] so you're able to do that again next Xday night while I'm at yoga. I'll give you a cuddle while you chop the veg like you do to me....promise!

OP: Well only if I get a kiss for the cook as well.

Scene ends with happy, warm feelings and a stronger bond about rekindling your love over a hot stove, while DH adds new skills to his repertoire and you get to leave the house twice a week for some headspace.

There are ways around this without LTB @Milkminder - I'm sorry for hinting at that. I think looking up NLP and practicing a good array of positive phrases to win him over to your solution, and finding a new path to break out of why he's not helped before, is the way to go. Good luck!

I really hope you can take some of this excellent advice on board, OP. I fear your relationship with your children will suffer permanent damage if you damage yourself through years of total self-sacrifice.

"It’s impossible in the evenings. To get out I have to feed everyone first and then get my youngest to bed and it massively stresses me out if I know I’m meant to be somewhere at a certain time - if I arranged to go to a class or meet a friend for example."

No. If you are going out DH can cook and put the kids to bed. If he doesn't have the skills he needs to be learning them fast.

OP your reaction to this thread is so weird. How can you not see that your refusal to deal with your relationship problems with DH is poisoning your relationship with your DC and affecting your mental health. I think you need professional help. Carrying on in this way with your head firmly stuck in the sand does not make you a good parent. It makes you a parent who is not taking responsibility for their own happiness and well being and who is prepared for their dc and their own health to suffer as a result. Neither you not DH is acting like a responsible adult.

Respectfully OP, you need to grow up. You have agency in your own life. Use it.

You have to train them in mummy rest time.
Announce it as a 'thing'. Explain the rules. Tell them you will sit and they will have to not ask you anything for a period of time (say ten minutes, depending on their age).
The rules of mummy time being do an activity quietly and don't ask any questions. (Obviously this only works if you have finished a lively time, and they have a little activity they can do, or be told to play in their own safely for a few minutes).
Children need to LEARN and be TAUGHT that you need a rest and some peace and quiet too.
You matter! And if you are unhappy it will affect them anyway.

You are burning out because your husband is a cheeky entitled twunt who doesn’t help anyone. “Sunday is family day” - oh really? Says who??Everyone’s kids drive them wild sometimes - but you take it in turns and it helps you stay a bit fresh. Don’t blame the kids, blame your husband. He is getting away with murder.

I agree you don't have a dc problem, you have a husband problem.

I'm not a sit down and play dolls/ games person and neither is dh. We do it sometimes of course, as parents you do sometimes have to do things you don't enjoy for your children. But I absolutely adore doing all those days out/ activities with them. I love seeing them accomplish something they couldn't do before. Dh is a bit of a grumpy arse at times, but he too takes pleasure in doing things with the children. I enjoy them though because I'm not totally burned out. Dh does half, and sometimes more (i have a stressful job and just lately he's been picking up the lion's share of drop offs and pick ups etc) of everything. And on the occasions I feel like I'm losing myself to the dc, I say "something needs to give" and go for a walk, or arrange to go swimming - alone. And dh encourages me to do it.

Incidentally, dh is also a keen cyclist. We work hard to give each other space to breathe and enjoy ourselves, and our children, both separately and together. I couldn't do the job I do without him. And I really relish my time with the children as a result.

Op please take the initiative to rebalance your relationship with your husband in the first instance. Everything else flows from there.

I think I probably underestimate the impact of having a more involved partner, I don’t know any differently.
In my house I just do it all. I think it’s the feeling of being ‘on’ all the time. If someone else were just doing something it would probably help me quite a lot. However on the odd occasion DH does do something - such as empty the dishwasher (twice since Christmas) I feel ridiculously grateful. However no one ever thanks me for doing all of the things, all of the time.
His mentality is very much that he finishes work and that’s him done. Whereas my day goes on until gone 10pm and starts two hours earlier as well.

No one thanks you because they see you doing everything all the time. To them you are just the woman who does it all. That has become your job.

You would be better off as a single parent. You really would. At least you would then get a break while your ex has the children

This dynamic is teaching your DC that women do everything while men sit on their arses. Things need to change. Stop cooking for your useless husban. Let the lazy bustard wash his own socks. Tell him you're going out to your yoga class and he's doing bed time that night.

We are on this planet for such a short amount of time. Do you really want to spend your life as an unappreciated skivvy and martyr?

Parenting is about compromise. My DS is 10, DD is 5. They both have differing needs. I get up at 6 to start work early (I WFH) and get breakfast for DC. School run starts at 8. I get home and work. DH works full time too. PM school run at 2 then it’s back to work until 5. Dinner is shortly after. Unless DH and I have takeaway we all eat the same meal. Then it’s bed for the DC between 7:30-8:30pm. Evenings are for me and DH to do what we want. DS has Cubs during the week and DD will soon start Beavers. She also wants to learn ballet so we are looking into that too. Weekends we do things together as a family and if it means something the DC find boring then tough. Some people sign their kids up for anything and everything. I can’t think of anything worse than losing part of my day to that. Perhaps you need to cancel something or send the kids to bed earlier. To me 10:30 is very late for a child to be up and about. Both of mine are usually asleep by 9.

Stop having sex with him as well. He doesn't deserve to get laid!

You need a break OP. There's no time factored in to that routine for you. I have only one DC and I'm a single parent but I get 2 nights free a week where I can do whatever I like while DS goes to his Dad's. When my exH was at home he was pretty crap at helping out domestically and it made me resentful. He worked all week and played golf most Saturdays. I did everything!! I'm not suggesting you break up with your DH but I think you need to tip those scales in your favour if you can. And btw, you sound like a brilliant Mum 😊

If I stop doing Dh’s washing he’ll take it to his mum’s! That’s what he did when I had a c section after dc2 and dc1.

What a useless man. Stop pandering to him. Don't cook separatel meals, first of all. Jesus, he would make me homicidal.

I agree with you about children. That's why I didn't have them. But you are blaming your children for their father's selfishness. That's not right.

You have my deepest sympathy OP.
It is tedious, monotonous & never ending, but mine are older teenagers & I’d love to swap - just for a day!
Soft play is the work of the devil. Never go there!
And try to build in a day where the grandparents/ dad/ someone looks after the children for the day & you can do as you please.

@Milkminder and his mum actually did his washing? Bloody hell, women need to stop marrying men who want a replacement for their mums. And they need to stop falling into the same trap their husband's mothers did. Jesus, I am determined I won't raise a man who is incapable of doing his own washing.

Just. Stop. Doing. It.

So his approach needs to change.

You can't do it all.

There's an parent.

That parent needs to do 50.50.

Which is normal.

I know that it hasn't occurred to you for 12 years that he should do more. But please please listen to people saying that this is not normal.

It can be changed