To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

Take your self out of the house a couple of nights a week so husband can do bedtime too. They might get used you not doing everything. Evening yoga class, swimming, gym etc

To be honest my sympathy has run dry. You are choosing this. You’re finding every reason why you couldn’t possibly have time to yourself “Dh wouldn’t like it” so what? If you don’t want to live like this then don’t. You’re wallowing in being a martyr, you clearly get something out of making a rod for your own back.

It’s impossible in the evenings. To get out I have to feed everyone first and then get my youngest to bed and it massively stresses me out if I know I’m meant to be somewhere at a certain time - if I arranged to go to a class or meet a friend for example.

I suppose I can’t really process the disparity between what other people are saying is normal for their DH and what is normal in our house.
In our house it’s normal that I do EVERYTHING re the dc. And around the house. But it’s the dc that are an emotional drain - and I know that doesn’t sound kind, but that’s how it feels some of the time.

You are blaming your children for the inadequacy of their deadbeat father

Have a good think about that

Its impossible because he doesnt help you OP.

To be fair I have a 12 year old and she has found lockdown and moving up to Year 7 hard and she can be an emotional drain on me because she needs my support. But when she needed me today because of anxiety she had DH stepped up and interacted with DS. And did things that I normally do as well as the things he normally does.

To be fair, I think it was the case that this kind of parenting was not prevalent in the 80s/90s, my Mum was pretty child focused and perhaps a generation too early with her focus but I would say we felt listened to, loved and it was fun. I would say their are different styles of parenting and mostly one is not better than the other. However, she definitely made time for herself and her interests and that is the thing that makes the difference.

@Milkminder

Whineandwine I’d sooner be a patient at a real dentist’s surgery than an imaginary play one and I have a hatred of the dentist 😂

The other night about 10pm dc1 said ‘want to play chess?’ No. I want to be left in peace for half an hour. Also my brain has ceased to function.

Surely if your dc1 is old enough to still be up & awake enough to play chess at 10pm.then they are old enough to be left at home for an hour while you take dc2 to the park/for a walk? And certainly old enough to understand that they can help to entertain the little one at the park or at home while you get a break?

Was your father equally as useless. Do you have family, friends with a more equal relationship?

Why do you think your DH is being fair, reasonable?

You are blaming your children for the inadequacy of their deadbeat father

This. With bells on.

I don't think you can make yourself in to a maternal person and it sounds like that isn't really there. I don't think it has to be there 100% but it's that that alters the perception of the experience IMO, that makes it a pleasant one more times than not. My DH is not always around much in the week, he commutes on the train and about 3 times a week he does not return until 10/11, it personally doesn't bother me as I am in a routine but he does do stuff at the weekend.

Having dc with SN is hard work (DS1 has ASD too) and it's possible that your husband doesn't currently have the skills to deal with that. My DP sometimes makes the situation worse.
But there is no excuse for him not doing any housework, cooking, homework support, ferrying to activities or basic childcare while you take the other child out. DP does school run 2 x week, cooks for kids those 2 days and for us / us and kids the other nights.
He does homework with dc2 after school on Fridays and Saturday mornings and did some every day during lockdown. I did more schooling then but he completely took over cooking and housework so I could work in the evenings. I take dc2 to Scouts, he picks up. He plays chess with dc1 and encourages him to do his homework.
I work slightly fewer hours and he earns more, but we are a team.

@Milkminder

It’s impossible in the evenings. To get out I have to feed everyone first and then get my youngest to bed and it massively stresses me out if I know I’m meant to be somewhere at a certain time - if I arranged to go to a class or meet a friend for example.

You don't have to They have a,father You choose to let him.get away with doing nothing

@CatsPyjama

You are blaming your children for the inadequacy of their deadbeat father

This. With bells on.

Very true.

Right. I'm going to shout from the rooftops.

Your husband is not being a parent. This is not normal or right and your life doesn't have to be like this.

I have similar age children. If I am going out in the evenings, either work, class or seeing friends then my husband does dinner and bedtime. If he's out then I do it. If we are both around then we'll do it together.

This is what every single person, after breastfeeding stops, who is in a couple does.

It is not normal for there to two parents living in a house and only one doing stuff with them children.

Tomorrow eldest has a sports match. Husband will take child and I will do bedtime for the youngest. Then Saturday morning he takes youngest swimming whilst I help eldest with homework. He'll probably go for a cycle in the afternoon whilst we do baking. Then I'm going out for dinner with friends in a evening. Sunday morning he gets us and let's me have a lie in and then we'll plan the day together.

This is not special or unusual but bog standard normal.

Please talk to your husband and explain that life has to change

@Milkminder

I suppose I can’t really process the disparity between what other people are saying is normal for their DH and what is normal in our house. In our house it’s normal that I do EVERYTHING re the dc. And around the house. But it’s the dc that are an emotional drain - and I know that doesn’t sound kind, but that’s how it feels some of the time.

Your normal needs to change. Your normal is not normal,healthy and sustainable.

They drain you became you already are miserable,exhausted and overwhelmed. Touched out from being with them all the time.

OH got home at 7 today. While he was cooking his own dinner(because I don't) I told him DD has a playdate tomorrow and joked about him not leaving eleventy billion sweet wrappers on the sofa. He laughed then picked up some bits around the flat and hoovered while I was in bed chilling on mumsnet. I didn't even have to ask him to.

When DD started fussing at bedtime and worrying about this that and the other and wanting another cuddle and to tell me one more thing , I had already recharged and could deal with it calmly and slightly amused . "Muuuum but I didn't tell you about the DRAMA today!"

This is not to brag or to make you feel worse, because for quite a few years I was you. OH was just as useless,selfish and absent. Until I had a proper meltdown and I was more than ready to split, despite being a SAHM and not a penny to my name. I stopped doing things that were not my responsibility, we split chores , took time to myself and OH started being an actual parent and partner.

Your husband through his inadequacies is going to ruin your relaxing with your children.

Yes children, especially ones with additional needs, are emotionally draining. That's why everyone needs a chance to recharge and get their energy back.

If you were a widow then you wouldn't have that chance. But you're not. I have a husband, but he is choosing not to do any parenting and you are letting him.

Dh, you need to get up early Sunday as I'm going out for the day and leaving you to look after the children. Why? Because you need to practise what it's going to be like when either I have a nervous breakdown and have to be hospitalised or when we are divorced and you have the children every other weekend.

Maybe arrange to meet a friend on Sunday morning and have a real conversation about all this. I'm sure that friends will also tell you that your husband is useless, they must be aware that he does nothing.

I worked (committee level only) at a Women’s Refuge and also as a Citizens Advice advisor and I think you’re in an unhealthy relationship: this doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, but you need to take a look at the dynamics of your relationship and take stock. You’re entitled to as much ‘me time’ as your husband.
Perhaps you have friends/family you can talk to who could not only support you in making time for yourself, but also in making your husband aware that this isn’t 1921 and he needs to step up. If not, consider professional advice, maybe a women’s aid outreach worker or relate counsellor.
He’s missing out by not sharing his children’s upbringing with you and, more importantly, your children are missing out on so much too. He needs to understand this.
Please don’t feel you need to entertain your children 24/7. I used to tell my children that I wasn’t their entertainer and they had to amuse themselves, and no, I wasn’t their friend, I was their parent. I’m afraid I also recycled my parents’ adage, “only boring people are bored”.
If you don’t take them to the theatre, concerts, galleries and supposedly ‘non children’ activities they’ll either never learn to enjoy these things, or they’ll moan that, to their detriment, you never took them -that’s a lose-lose for you! Balance what you want to do with what they might like to do.
Simpler times, but my siblings and I took turns to choose Sunday lunch. My father would take us out for a 2/3 hour hike in the morning with the dogs whilst my mother stayed at home home reading the papers, taking a bath etc. and when we came back the person whose turn it was would help my mother cook the Sunday roast -afterwards the rest of us would clear/wash up. Thereby giving both parents special time.
Having said that, I did a lot with mine that I didn’t particularly enjoy. Please God, I never want to go to on a roller coaster again 😱 or another Center Parcs break -an overpriced coal bunker with a crowded swimming pool, everything else extra 😳
As to cooking multiple meals: no.
Everyone who has primary school children has had a particularly hideous 14+ months with little respite. Cut yourself some slack -be kind to yourself as it’s important for both your children and you that you feel well and happy.

My DDs are now 12 and 14, and it feels like the days you're describing were a hundred years ago. Before you know it, they'll be grunting at you, spending all their time in their bedrooms on their phones or out with their mates. And you'll reminisce about the days when you could actually have a conversation with them that didn't end in them stomping off.

In echo the above, I desperately miss my little, big (5ft 8) boy as he is pretty much in his room all night that has only really happened in the last year or so.

I was actually bereft the other night as we had a get together with friends with little ones and it goes so so quickly, it really does.

It’s impossible in the evenings. To get out I have to feed everyone first and then get my youngest to bed

No, you just walk out the door with your headphones on and say 'Back in a bit sweetie pie! You can do dinner and bedtime for the family.'

Then you walk for an hour and a half, listen to a podcast or some music, ignore calls and texts on your phone, and when you get back you do not lift a finger for anyone even if nobody has been fed or bathed and the kitchen is a bomb site. Tell H you are disappointed in him.

I think you find your kids draining because you’re absolutely knackered from doing everything else around the house. If your DH was doing his share of the housework and childcare I think you’d soon be recharged enough to find interacting with your kids more enjoyable.

You’re spending an awful of time pandering to the wants of a man who doesn’t give a shit about what you want or need.