To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

@sue69m Shut up! I agree with all your comments Milkminder
Parenting is boring for the most part. Doesnt mean you shouldnt have had kids or that ur a bad mother.

[quote Langpants]@burritofan - you're my hero. He he. I've got two boys under two and do not wish to see a soft play centre. We will be doing crafts and forest school stuff if I can sway it! 😝[/quote]
see, that's the opposite of being a martyr! And the right way to parent. Everybody is happy and the kids have a good time.

So what would happen if you announced to DH that things need to be 50/50 from now on?

He collects from school, cooks dinner, does bath & bedtime 2 nights a week. (You can stay late at work, go to gym, see a movie, have dinner with friend, go to gallery, do you tube yoga in park, sit in the car on drive in blissful peace - whatever. Don't go through front door until at least 10pm).

Every other Saturday is now your day. If his regular commitments are immovable, you get all day Sunday instead. The pushback on 'Sunday is family time' is... so is Saturday, but I've been doing them on my own for 10 years now. We can either do both days together, one day each, or half and half - which is it?

If you go for every other Saturday each, ensure family Sunday is also 50/50. One of you cooks every other week. One cleans every other week. One does laundry every other week. One does shopping every other week. One does whinging about homework/playing board games/bowling cricket, whatever...EVERY OTHER WEEK.

I've not seen any explanation for why he seems quite so entitled. Does he earn substantially more than you and somehow feel he has 'earned' more time off? I appreciate that with an ASD DC1 it must be hard if he has formed a stronger attachment with you and you ease the path through after school time, winding down for bed etc.

But like some of my friends' husbands who got away with being incompetent during the toddler stage, he is just coasting through without even realising how much effort it all IS!

Book the BH weekend away with an old friend/parent/travelodge in a city with nice art galleries. Just announce it. "I'm cashing in Saturday the 5/12/19 from January in 2013. You had those 3 days to yourself, I'm having the bank holiday weekend to myself - make sure you let whoever you usually see on a Saturday know that you'll be unavailable 29th May because you'll be parenting your children.

June will open with a mindset shift, if nothing else. Hopefully a little more appreciation of how much life load you pick up. Make sure he doesn't just notice and appreciate it, but actually SHARES it from now on.

I don't lean to the LTB suggestion, but if he doesn't appreciate you more with a 50/50 split while sharing a house and a life, you might as well at least take half his earnings to get on with it yourself. At least you could afford a babysitter a couple of times a month then. And you'd have 2 weekends a month to yourself. That's not the aim, but it looks better than what you've got now from where I'm sitting.

Time to drop the ball - he'll realise how heavy it is by the time he's picked it up and run around with it for a few weeks!

Mix it up - don’t put yourself on the back burner or you’ll become resentful and I can tell you don’t want that (you sound like an awesome parent)

What do you like doing ? If there’s a sport or activity that perhaps you enjoy, get the kids on board too ? My Son is really into History and I have to frequently pretend to be so interested - I am in part but not to the same extent as him, and that’s ok. He goes on about it even in his sleep haha.

I do feel you, it isn’t easy - but so ask your husband what he’s going to do with the kids sometimes too

I think it sounds like you’re doing a tremendous job. It’s probably boring because you’re trying so hard. Well done
Get a babysitter sometimes help out so you can get a day in a spa

It is terribly unfair, but I don't think you can change your DH. You have tried and he just slides back. What you can change is you. If you want to stay in the marriage, book every other Sunday off- go away do not stay in the house. Your DH can say it's "family time" all he likes but YOU are in charge of the family (he abdicated that power long ago) and you say every other Sunday is his time with the children. You will be gone. Even if it's just a drive in the country, you'll be gone.

@Sarahspice80

I think it sounds like you’re doing a tremendous job. It’s probably boring because you’re trying so hard. Well done Get a babysitter sometimes help out so you can get a day in a spa

The children have another parent. No need to get a babysitter, just for the DH to actually be a productive,useful, contributing member of the family.

Of course it is, and it is not just for the next 18 years. I have 6 very independent adult children that live all over the U.K, first phone call from one of them was before 09:00 this morning, another one has phoned twice with life changing news and will be calling again later. Most days they are all either on the phone, facetime or text. I love them dearly and it is great that we are all still such a huge part of each others lives but i would love more than 2 hours peace. Eldest Grandchild is now on Facetime with her Grandpa whilst he is on the landline with Son 3. I would still after nearly 40 years just love to have a bloody wee in peace

Also you do need to speak to your husband as his lack of participation/support for you I think is toxic.

I feel the same

I used to think it would be lovely bathing a child, reading to them at singing them to sleep

The reality is bedtime is a battle and bloody stressful and reading the same thing over and over night after night

I'm not a crafty arty mum. I used to be good at going out, doing stuff with the kids so the last year has been a challenge

Let's hope normal activities and spending time with friends can resume

[quote Tessabelle74]@CoelacanthSharpener I only made it through the first 2 pages before the "why have kids if you don't want to be a parent " and "this is why I'm childless" comments got on my pip! How are those comments helping a poster who sounds depressed and demoralised in the middle of a pandemic? And yes, I would be this "rude" in real life if I saw someone kicking someone when they're down![/quote]
I agree none of those comments were constructive, but neither were yours.

I'll admit that I was so bored for most of the 5-12 years. Now my kids are teens it's a lot easier. They are very independent (aged 14 & 16) it gets better I promise.

You are either depressed or you really shouldn't have had children either way time your partner stepped up!

No, but only because I feel like my whole adult life has been a series of things I don’t want to do.

I'd recommend divorce- every other weekend off. So much better. I also really didn't craft or play. School in france thankfully starts at 3 and everyone is expected to go back to work at 13 weeks post birth. With none of the UK guilt.

Good system. I was not designed to be aSAHM to toddlers

You're not selfish. It is hard work. Make sure you do things you enjoy. I felt like this when mine were small. Now all 4 of them have grown up and I enjoy spending time with them.

Absolutely! As soon as kids come along our priorities, energy and whole being are dictacted by them! We cant just do what we want when we went, ever, unless we are exceptionally lucky to have an army of helpers. Of course they're worth it but aye it's hard, especially with special needs. X

It's not your kids it's your DP, you wouldn't feel so resentful if you had time to recharge and do something you wanted solo. He seems to do whatever he wants and you're left picking up the slack.

Parenting is relentless. Everyone knows that but before you have children you just don’t realise how extreme it is. Having kids is a complete takeover of you & your life as you know it - & 99% of the time it’s a hostile takeover!!! I always think of it as a lifestyle choice to become a parent; after all you can jack your job in and get another, you can end a marriage/broken relationship, sell up & move elsewhere. Literally everything else in life you can walk away from but children…….no. And if you do, your conscience won’t let you be free. For this unique reason you are 101% committed & that means it’s the one experience that will transition you completely away from your old self. You feel like you had a previous life, in short, because you did.

It’s also tough as hell because of these reasons. But here’s the rub - patenting also gives you the opportunity to be the best version of yourself. You have to dig deep but you might strike gold…..

You should have thought about this - this is called PARENTING - don't become a patent if you never want to parent - if you don't find your own children interesting I suspect it is you who are boring not them - grown up ffs

@Bertiebiscuit

You should have thought about this - this is called PARENTING - don't become a patent if you never want to parent - if you don't find your own children interesting I suspect it is you who are boring not them - grown up ffs

ODFOD. Or at least RTFT , since first posting it's become very obvious OP has bigger issues that just "being a parent".

I am a nanny and this is my life but I love it
I suggest
Get a manny who loves her job
Then you can be a happy mum
And happy kids

@Bertiebiscuit what the hell happened to 'be kind'?

She's doing A LOT of parenting. In fact she's doing about 194% parenting because it doesn't sound like her husband is doing much.

It sounds like she's drained from offering up so much of herself to an ASD child and much younger sibling. That's not a crime. Have a long hard think about your judgemental words and come back when you can say something a bit nicer, would you?

it’s the one experience that will transition you completely away from your old self.

You see, I think this is a common misperception. Not everyone is completely subsumed by parenting. It's possible to strike a balance. Of course, my DD is my priority now, but there are a lot of hours of the day when she doesn't need my full attention, and there's space in my head and calendar for a good deal of the stuff I did and thought about before I had her.

Op do you have any siblings, parents or in-laws that would like to take the kiddies for an evening a month for a bit of respite?

How about in summer and school holidays sign the kids up for week long courses. In my area there’s some for swimming, golf, horse riding etc. They wouldn’t have to do the same thing and you wouldn’t have to stay the whole time- giving you time away.

Is money an issue? Get a childminder ~£20 a day for 2 hrs, to pick up both from school once a week and use that time to go do a hobby of your own. The gym? Yoga? Or sign them up for after school clubs at the school- an extra hour you time.
Maybe hire a cleaner like a molly maid to come while you’re all out at work/ school. Then all the housework is done- hoovering, dusting, mopping. would that give you back your half a day?

Don’t give up! They won’t always be like this.

Your eldest has ASD I realise but clinging to you isn’t doing him any real favours. Maybe come to an arrangement with his only friends parents/ carers about him going to theirs for dinner/ sleepover once a month and visa versa.

Your 5 year old won’t be this young forever! It gets better haha

I think you should reclaim some space of your own, not sure your living/ financial circumstances... summer house for the eldest child’s Xbox? A Play room? Do the children share a room? Could the Xbox be moved to his/ there room? Surely he’s not on it late at night anyway.

My mum used to have one of my friends over every school day for a few hours because my friends mum was a single parent and needed some respite. Sticking another 5 chicken nuggets and handful of peas and chips on a tray was never an issue.