To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

@Shahira78

That's hilarious and makes you sound very bitter and a bit thick tbh.

I have never, not for one minute, regretted being childfree. My OH and I have a lovely life with friends, jobs we enjoy, hobbies including scuba diving and beekeeping, lots of peaceful time together, plenty of spare money, animals, a holiday home, a large piece of woodland, nephews and neices, etc.

To suggest that I need to feel better about my life is ridiculous. Are you so unbelievably dense that you can't imagine different people enjoying a different life than the one you have?

I missed your post that mentioned DS's autism. We find the anxiety that comes with our 12yo's autism just overwhelming. It sucks whole evenings and goes onto the night, it's exhausting and it has a habit of rising out of nowhere when you are least able to cope. Tag teaming is our best coping strategy. We each try to do our share and push the other to rest and take breaks. Not sure I could cope doing it effectively solo.

I hope that seeing it all written down is showing you quite how little teamwork there is in your parenting. It's bonkers that you did all the washing up on holiday, that he's decided a half day/couple of hours is "your time" and that he's out all day Sat. Plus what's he doing while you're doing all the extended bedtimes? He probably has no appreciation for what you do so you need to shove it under his nose and change it. I literally can't computers how one sided this all sounds. I don't think cries of "LTB" really help because you'd end up having DS more or less full time and wouldn't be magically better off.

At 12 encouraging him to do more solo pursuits is ok I think. Mine's quite independent with Minecraft and YouTube videos. He follows a sport avidly and doesn't really need our input for that. It would be better if we had more shared interests really but me playing a board game of his choice would not achieve that.

It does annoy me that DH has all day on a Saturday every weekend but then announces Sunday is family time so I’m not able to do anything. It’s very unequal.

He doesn't get tp announce that. He doesn't get to announce anything. This is the crux of your issue, this powerlessness. You have power.

Maybe use some of your 2 hours once a week to do some assertiveness training. How to ask for, and expect, what you want. Really basic WHEN, I FEEL, BECAUSE, PLEASE. Just an example, "DH when we go on self catering holidays and I do all the work, I feel tired, pissed off and angry. Because I feel like I need a break too. Please either book catered holidays or do half the housework, including washing dishes." Give specifics. If someone doesn't respond to this they either don't care how you feel. Or they don't share your core beliefs. Either is divorce time.

You have three choices:

Ask for and expect what you want and make sure you don't facilitate your H's trying to get out of it.
End the relationship.
Put up with this until you die. Because the children might leave home but this twat isn't going to.

I suspect you were trained from birth to ignore your own needs and serve people. Try to work out why.

@PyjamaFan

Oh dear, oh dear. I think I have hit a nerve! Ouch.

Again, why are you here?

There is a lot of advice here OP but no sign from you that you are willing to change your relationship with DH. Why do you think it's ok for him to do so little and call all the shots with how you spend your time?
It sounds to me like a hugely disfunctional relationship that is damaging to you and also providing a very damaging role model to your children. Do you want them to end up in similar relationships to yours? If not you will need to take some action not just moan about the status quo. It doesn't have to be like this, you are choosing to live like this and must take responsibility for the effects on yourself and your children.

@Shahira78

So many childless people obsessed with these types of threads. It's so obvious why they look at them. They are desperate for a way to make them feel better about their lives. Why else would they be here?

That's really insulting towards childless people. Some of us are very happy with our lives just as they are, thank you very much.

That's really insulting towards childless people. Some of us are very happy with our lives just as they are, thank you very much.

So enjoy it. But don't come onto threads about struggling mothers and go on about it.

I mean what's the point? Are you recruiting? Have you built a time machine you're hiring to unhappy parents? Or are you kicking a woman while she's down? Because there aren't a lot of other reasons to do this.

I was on the fence about children and could have gone either way. I don't care what people choose. But this is just weird.

So you realise that the situation with your husband is unequal - so why don't you do something about it? He's destroying your relationships with your children. You are enabling this. You know that your husband is the problem here, yet you deflect by unfairly putting the blame on your children - their neediness/clingyness, fighting, hobbies, bedtimes etc. You and the children will end up very bitter towards each other, while your knob of a husband just swans around doing whatever he likes. Ridiculously sad. You could change this. Will you?

'Having dc' is not the problem here - your husband is the problem, he is a useless knob.

H2OConnoisseur, I find the post really quite depressing.

I think you do have a DH issue but I honestly think it is easier for some than others and you don't know that until you have the DC. It is now about methods to cope I suppose as I don't think you'd want the DCs to know you had this feeling presumably?

OP - don't cook a different meal for every single person. Cook one (nutritious) thing (ideally something you want to eat) and simply say, this is the meal for tonight. Eat it or go hungry. Repeat.

Read to the kids in the bath - bathtime will be much more enjoyable for them. Read a classic or something you enjoyed as a child so you like it too.

Leave the kids to play together - you shouldn't have to play with them too often if they have each other.

Take time out for yourself. Tell your DH to entertain the kids or stick a film on for them and lock yourself in the bathroom with a good book and a glass of wine.

I can’t work out if you’re just very passive or utterly defeated. What keeps you with your DH? He’s useless.

I don't understand why you are so passive.

Your 12 year old won't contemplate going to bed at nine.

Your husband insists on having Saturday to himself and then that Sunday is family day.

Etc.

You have control over your life. You can just say no. No husband today i going out for the morning to see a friend for lunch etc

Let’s look at the timeline here please?

@Milkminder posted less than 24 hours ago but that her life was a series of boring things to do

As is sadly often the case it’s the issue that brings her here, but it’s not the source of the issue

This thread has opened her eyes to a situation that was absolutely unimaginable until now, that her H is making her life miserable by opting out of all the grunt work, by blathering on that she had “her time too” when that Me
Time is being taken up by fucking cleaning.

So let’s be patient here, let’s support our friend @Milkminder so she has time and space to process what’s gone on, what options are and wtf to do next.

This is the beginning of a new path. Let’s be there for her. She’s going to need us I think!

It gets better. It seems no time at all since m sons were like OP's children and extremely irritating. Now they are all gr;own up and very good company indeed. WE are off out to celebrate DS1's birthday on Saturday, Cocktails and dinner, good conversation. they keep us up to date with music and reading suggestions and we really enjoy a family holiday every now and then, both excellent cooks. It pays off in the end!

@MrsTerryPratchett

That's really insulting towards childless people. Some of us are very happy with our lives just as they are, thank you very much.

So enjoy it. But don't come onto threads about struggling mothers and go on about it.

I mean what's the point? Are you recruiting? Have you built a time machine you're hiring to unhappy parents? Or are you kicking a woman while she's down? Because there aren't a lot of other reasons to do this.

I was on the fence about children and could have gone either way. I don't care what people choose. But this is just weird.

Well, you say 'you', but my previous post was my first one on this thread, so you're directing your observations towards the wrong person. I personally don't come on to threads and say they're making me glad I never had kids, I can see that someone else did, but it doesn't mean to say we all do. I'm sure plenty of other childless people wouldn't say that to someone with kids, because it's not a helpful thing to say.

OP, I feel you and could have written this myself. Except I don’t have a DP/DH. It is deathly boring and I find myself wishing for a different life sometimes, especially in the last year.

I don't get WTAF people are here on a group called MUMSnet if they hate Mums and or children so much? Go away and start Childfree.com and worry about who will visit you in the care home once your carefree years are over

You definitely have an dh problem op
You need to put your foot down about the weekends at the very least, you are enabling him opting out of parenting.

I wish you strength to regain yourself from him.

@pj fan, your life sounds wonderful, I feel quite envious.

Why have kids if you don't want to be a parent?

@burritofan - you're my hero. He he. I've got two boys under two and do not wish to see a soft play centre. We will be doing crafts and forest school stuff if I can sway it! 😝

@Tessabelle74

I don't get WTAF people are here on a group called MUMSnet if they hate Mums and or children so much? Go away and start Childfree.com and worry about who will visit you in the care home once your carefree years are over

Who on this thread has even intimated that they hate mums or children?

Are you this socially divisive (or this rude) in real life?

Incidentally, I know of elderly people who have offspring and still have to worry about the care home because their offspring live on the other side of the world or are just plain selfish. Having kids solely to have someone to look after them when they're old would be a very silly/selfish reason for someone to choose to bring a life into the world.

@sue69m

Why have kids if you don't want to be a parent?

People don't have a crystal ball before they conceive.

The OP loves her kids but is finding it harder than she presumably expected, and from the sounds of it having an unhelpful DH is a big part of the problem. Judgemental comments like yours imho have a lot to do with why there's such a taboo around mothers expressing anything other than 24-hour joy at parenthood.

OP, I'm with those who are saying you need and deserve more help from your DH. He's treating you so unfairly at present. Definitely time to insist he steps up and starts sharing the load more.

@CoelacanthSharpener I only made it through the first 2 pages before the "why have kids if you don't want to be a parent " and "this is why I'm childless" comments got on my pip! How are those comments helping a poster who sounds depressed and demoralised in the middle of a pandemic? And yes, I would be this "rude" in real life if I saw someone kicking someone when they're down!

Deadly dull I agree. I chose to have one child for this very reason. I'm glad I had one but never envied the other NCT Mums who went on to have a second or third. I am constantly amazed by how many people go on to have a second. It's not just hard work and time consuming but as you point out bloody boring! I'm enjoying my 10 year old, she's good fun and I genuinely am pleased that I had her. I did not always feel like that and the weekends are utterly boring when they are younger and need entertaining.