To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

That really wasn’t the withering m, dripping in sarcasm response you thought it was demelza

You need to sort things out because you are currently bored and resentful which might turn into depression and end of marriage.

So stop being a pushover and realise that you matter too.

Set proper routines for the children - DS age 12 should not be assuming you will play chess at 10 pm - too late. Proper bedtime routines.

Work out what you like to do and make arrangements to do that. If not open then go visit a friend, go out for a couple of hours and tell your useless lump that you are married to, to man up and take some responsibility. Stop enabling him to be a lazy oaf and get him to take equal share for his children.

He finishes work at 5 pm then he cooks sometimes. Does housework, gets children sorted etc etc.

Just do it.

I feel for you OP. What was your childhood like growing up?

You really don’t need to do all of this stuff. You’re being a martyr to be the perfect mother. You need to get some boundaries.

One if my family members is like you. Simmering resentment but still trying to be the perfect mother but miserable and grumpy with everyone.

Carve out find time for yourself. Your husband sounds like a selfish dick. You need to stand up to him. Tell the children to give you space, they’re old enough. Holidays should only be in hotels, no way are you doing all the grunt work. Stand firm.

Your DH sounds terrible. I'd bin him.

Yes, it sort of is. You do need to set aside a weekly moment for yourself though. I suppose if you cant slightly live vicariously through them for the brief while they're at home, ie. Just enjoy watching them, enjoy their enjoyment, their progress then that would be worse. Your second line where you say listening to her read is painful is not very kind. I hope she doesn't pick up on your feelings. Are you disappointed with them woul you say?

You do a lot for your kids, and you don’t need to.

Football can’t be rescheduled probably, but you can with the swimming, for after school and forget the day trips to soft play and farms. Save them for school holidays only.

Instead at weekends let them both stew at home with toys. Zone out from any racket they make. Some people are more adept at this zoning out admittedly. They’ll soon learn to make their own entertainment if you’re not providing it, because they’ll have no choice. My also 12 year old son moped about the house Sundays (no screens day) saying he’s bored, and needs a companion or audience, but eventually settles down to doing something by himself. Drawing, organising his bedroom, playing with toys.

I see that you have a 5 year old girl. Enjoy these years with her until she’s about 10. Everything changes then, and you become an emotional wreck thanks to pre-teen demands, see you in 5 years back on this board tearing your hair out ! No help I know, but parenting you just get trudge through it, grin and bear it.

at the caravan anecdote!!

Get a divorce. And then you’ll at least get every other weekend “off”.

My OH and his ExW would never give up their weekends off

Having rtft, I admit, when dp is here sometimes I spend an hour in the bathroom or say, pretend I'm not here. I do find I still do the thinking for him but he does the heavy lifting. Without that, yes, I'd probably be more resentful of no me time. I also stay up late like a pp to get more.

@PremierSmeage

This is why I didn't have children. I am selfish. I couldn't and wouldn't do it. My kids would be very bored watching me drink wine while I shhhhhed them to keep it down. I could not go to farms or soft play.

You're a saint op.

To be fair, with a bit of training and patience, children are able to top up your wine. I found practicing with white first much less messy

Yes; I could have written this pretty much word for word. I feel like a bad mum a lot of the time because of it.

The only thing that keeps me going is that it'll get better / easier as they get a bit older .

Yes, I have friends with older kids who say "it doesn't get easier, just different", but I choose to ignore that.

Solidarity ✊🏻

@Milkminder

Mine is. It’s constant. Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

I get it OP, it is the same for me when my SCs are here. It's just one long list of things that I don't want to do or aren't enjoyable for me in any way. Very dull.

Hopefully it eases as they age!

Children quickly grow up and change all the time, make the most of it because they are soon gone.

Then they come back, bringing small grandchildren with them and you find yourself playing with sand and Lego again!

During the very enforced closeness of last year I decided I wasn't going to keep pretending to my kids that I was totally into everything they loved doing and at their disposal. It was when I realised they couldn't really identify anything that DH liked to do that wasn't centred around them that I decided we needed to get a better balance.

It's done them good to sometimes hear 'that isn't really my thing, I'll leave you to it but let's do Y later, I enjoy that' or 'I don't like that game, you chose last time so this time it's my choice'.

There's obviously still a lot of running around after them and sitting in bloody swimming lessons and what not. But it's done them no harm that sometimes we listen to my music, or I make it clear that I'm prioritising finishing a book right now and they need to respect that, or being more aware of the fact that their parents also have likes and dislikes.

I’ve read your posts op, but not all the rest, so I’m wondering what would happen if you sat your DH down and said you were fucking off if something doesn’t change quickly and he seriously helps out. He can have em all to himself 50% of the time if you two split. Have you told him how hard you’re finding it all? He needs a shake. And clear instructions on what you need him to do unfortunately as he doesn’t seem to get it.
Weekends are family time, so he says, so he could fucking well start helping you there!!

Are you there, OP? I found your posts heartbreaking to read. It's so common for mothers to get really grumpy and resentful in this situation because they don't have the self esteem to organise things to make life easier for themselves. I really hope that you can take some of the advice here to carve out time and space for yourself instead, and stop doing martyrish things such as cooking separate meals for everybody. Maybe you need to research assertiveness and self-esteem, or even do the Freedom Programme.
Also, a 12-year-old is old enough to keep his hands off a five-year-old sibling. Time to let him know that.

"I think retrospectively if I’d only had one dc it would have been ok, but I cannot please both of mine at the same time so they kind of tag team."

It's really not the two kids that's the problem here, it's the effectively single parent who also feels she has to look after a grumpy twattish adult cuckoo in the nest.

I'm wondering if you and your husband got together when you were really young? Most women I know would have one answer to "I'm coming home from the gym, put my dinner in" and it wouldn't be printable. Untraining yourself from this is going to be really hard. TBH I think booting him out would be easier than resetting the patterns you live by with him there.

Yes, I have two teens and if I had my time over I’m not sure I’d make the same choices. I’ve been a single mum for 15 years and it’s harder now than it’s ever been. As they get older you get a different set of problems and you never really stop worrying about them.

Parenting can be a hard slog- perhaps I should say mothering as it doesn't seem to impact dads as much!
When my dc were small my life was similar to yours everything revolved around them with only occasional night out with dh or friends,
Tbf a lot of it is just parenting, they need to learn to swim have support with homework etc but DH should be doing his share.
Try and arrange things for you and leave them with DH for a bit, organise a date night or just lock the bathroom door and have a long soak in the bath.
Tbf sometimes my dc had to do things they didnt like too, family parties, waiting around while sibling did activity and not all of them liked every family outing some loved exploring castles and gardens others would moan , totally relate to dc being a tag team!

Thank you for the responses.
I do agree a lot of my problem comes from doing most of this on my own but because I’m married people assume I have back up in a way that I do not.
I work the school holidays so I don’t have much more time with them then to do things than I do in term time - I try and take them somewhere nice most weekends, around hobbies etc.
I have to say my 5 year old is pretty delightful, although either child on their own is quite nice, it’s the combination of them both. I can’t keep both happy and so neither of them are. My 5 year old is NT and the difference between her and her brother in terms of independence and behaviour is pretty staggering. She’s more independent than he is in some ways and certainly more resilient. He is very anxious and I spend quite a lot of evenings talking with him about how anxious he is and sitting with him until he feels better. Sometimes even this makes me angry, not outwardly, but internally, because I’m so tired by this point and worn down that I just want him to go to sleep.
Neither go to bed very early. Dc2 has a natural body clock of going to sleep about 8.30/9pm and dc1 won’t contemplate going before she does - understandably - so it’s often late by the time he is in bed.
It would be nice to feel I could have one Saturday a month perhaps where I could see friends etc - especially now we can do that - tbh in the week I’m too tired in the evenings to go out so it has to be the daytime really. It does annoy me that DH has all day on a Saturday every weekend but then announces Sunday is family time so I’m not able to do anything. It’s very unequal.

It’s mainly your husband plus the age gap. If you split you’d get every other weekend off. Point this out to him.

I have one DC for health reasons but actually it really suits me. All those things you’d listed as like to do I could do with her or she goes off with friend around shops and we meet later. You are getting to stage where you could leave elder DC and go to gym etc but you are back to square one with DC2. You can’t send DC 2 back so focus on what you can change (husband)

Not only is it unequal OP but it is actually affecting your children as well because they not only have to share you all the time but the get an harrassed and unhappy you

Why do you allow him the power to dictate to you what you can and cant do and all of his free time. You arent married not really, what you describe isnt a marriage and it isnt parenting to his children either

But why does your DH have every Saturday? It's so completely unequal and unfair - particularly if you're doing the majority of evenings as well.

And why are you cooking things for him and your children? I have read your OP again and so much of it is you overcompensating I think for him not doing anything.

Announce Sunday is OP time this week and go out for day. If you think oh I couldn’t possibly do that (he couldn’t cope with kids, he’d get angry etc) then that tells you everything about relationship and you need to address it.