To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

why dont you do things with them YOU enjoy... kids often fall in love with the hobbies their parents love.

Me and oldest DS watch movies together, so cinema trips or on the sofa... I remember I loved doing it with my mam as a kid.

We also love to do days out to show caves or rockpooling, once again things I loved as a kid that my children now love doing with me.

My oldest also likes to go to football matches, he got that from his dad and grandad and does that with them.

My oldest also loves 'modern' things that I dont get like minecraft and fortnite but he plays those with friends, it would be 'uncool' to play with mam and dad lol.

My youngest is too young to really have hobbies, he is happy to play next to me (Im not allowed to touch lol) its really zero hassle.

Unless all you enjoy is drinking wine and have sex (so inappropriate activities) then just involve your kids in your loves and you'll have more fun.

Milkminder you do have a Dh problem but you do have a you problem.

I say this kindly but stop cooking multiple meals. Stop doing everything.
Yes things have to be done but there are different ways to do stuff without having to be there
Drop your kids off at activities and go home or sit in the car reading a magazine with a takeaway coffee. I booked mine into classes that lasted 3 hours or places that had multiple classes so I could drop them off and collected them hours later.
I have never watched a child do an activity ever as that is completely boring.

Don’t get up early to get the dc to school. Sleep in till the last possible minute then give them a croissant and a packet juice for breakfast served in the car or eaten walking to school.
Find other mums to go to the park with and take food with you so you can relax on a bench and your dc have other children to play with.
Soft play is the same. Go with her friends so you can zone out and relax.
Mine grew up going in to museums and I think started their love for them by going to the children’s section and interactive bit.

Get a cleaner

And lastly Never go on a caravan holiday ever again.

Tell Dh to book one all inclusive holiday per year which has child care and children’s entertainment and Dh is responsible for one child throughout your stay.
I do book Airbnb’s but they have to have a list of things like separate bedrooms for everyone. TVs with WiFi in all rooms so we can get Netflix, a washing machine, tumble dryer, (everyone does their laundry, dries it and folds it before we come back so I am not faced with a mountain of laundry on return. A dishwasher because I don’t wash up at home and I am not starting to on holiday and swimming pool so we can all play and swim in it.
We only have a brunch type meal when we wake up and everyone helps serving a cold collation with toast and clearing it up after. We then eat out in the evening

Dh knows what sort of holiday I like because I have told him. Unless you tell people and then follow it through with actions then people don’t know. Even if you think it is staring them in the face. Dh used to book the same place every year to the point that I was bored to tears with it so told him I never wanted to go to the place again.
He booked it again the next year (after I told him that I didn’t want to go again).
We didn’t go as I refused to go. If he wanted the children to go with him he was to do all the packing and look after them when we got there (both have ADHD). We never went and he never booked again.
Why are you going on these holidays when you don’t want to go and know they aren’t a holiday for you.
Sometimes putting your foot down and saying no is the only way to get through to people.
If Dh said to put his dinner in the oven because he was on his way back. It had better be something that needs packaging removing and stabbing the top otherwise it isn’t getting done.
I don’t think Dh has ever asked me to put a meal in the oven as he was in his way back. I have if I have left something in the fridge and we were going to be late back

I think you need to not necessarily stop doing stuff but doing it in a way that involves you 100% of the time concentrating on your children.

Missed vital word

I think you need to not necessarily stop doing stuff but doing it in a way that doesn’t involve you 100% of the time concentrating on your children.

Honestly, after reading your updates I’d be looking at divorce. Seeing as your H contributes nothing.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Unless all you enjoy is drinking wine and have sex (so inappropriate activities) then just involve your kids in your loves and you'll have more fun.

I think this is wonderful parenting advice. You don't need to go to soft play. I never bothered. Why are you punishing yourself?

YANBU. I know some parents seem to love softplay but I honestly couldn’t think of anything worse. They’re literally just hellish germ pits filled with screaming virus carriers. My DC all got a stomach bug a couple of days after softplay early last year and they hadn’t been anywhere else really so stood to reason it was softplay. Grim.

I don’t like playgrounds either. My older three tend to run off and play now but toddler obviously needs constant assistance so not like I can ever sit with a drink and let them go off. Plus there’s always inevitably the demands to be pushed on a bloody swing 100 times. Cba.

I don’t mind listening to them read if it’s a decent book but when it’s a school reading book I just zone out most of the time. Why are they so boring?!

So he gets every Saturday leaving you at home with the kids and you're not allowed to do anything on a Sunday because its 'family time' nope, fuck that straight off!!!! you need to have a conversation with him and tell him he needs to divvy up household chores/parenting/free time more evenly or you're out the door - and mean it! I hate men like this, they're so childish!

You're not selfish at all, and sometimes I feel like mums being honest about these things make other mums feel better - I have a 2yo and honestly I hate messy play/pretend play all that stuff....I do it but I hate it, and I felt like it was only me and that I was a rubbish parent, reading this thread I've realised I'm not and lots of parents feel like I do! but others are right, they can play independently, you don't need to go out and do things all the time with them - let them watch a film, or play with toys independently while you have a coffee and read a book in peace, you need your time too. You sound like the most amazing parent and you put your children first all the time, you can put yourself first sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean you don't love the bones of them it just means you're not pouring from an empty cup

With regards to your concerns about the age gap - there is a large age gap between me and my sibling too, it was tricky when we were children, but now we are both adults we are really really close, I wouldn't be without him and I'm sure your children will be the same.

YANBU and I feel this way even with a contributory husband. It's the repetition that gets to me the individual activity is nice but after 2nd child the enthusiasm wears thin

Your DH is a wanker.

And honestly, your 12 year old should know better.
He really should.

The 5 year old is now old enough to be taught some manners too.

I like the mumsnet phrase
"Do you have equal leasure time?"

If he gets home at 5pm every night he can do dinner at least 3 times ones week and 4 the next.

He can have 1 weekend day to do his thing, but you have the other to do yours.

It doesn't seem like you want to spend anytime together anyway.

He either steps up or he can have EOW and nights, plus a divorce 😡

He is an arsehole and you're enabling him.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old are they. There will come a time when they can entertain themselves sometimes and you will get some time to yourself. Don't despair. Sound like you are a good mum who is trying to do the right things to me,

I've not read the full thread so I'm sure it's already been (more than) covered but try throwing a disabled child with additional needs into the mix!

Endless appointments, hospital admissions, medicines, therapies, treatments, paperwork as well as the mental load that comes with a non NT child.

@Milkminder

Sorry, I see my post has missed the mark (I only read the first page)

So you have a DH problem? What are you going to do about? Where do you go now with things?

@Milkminder our situations are a mirror image. There are 7 years between my two and DC1 has additional needs. I feel exactly the way you do about most things which I tend to view as a series of chores (no differentiation between having to sort some washing and doing playdoh with my youngest - I find both mind numbing) that I have to get through until I can be left alone.

I know I'm not depressed, I just don't ever get a minute to myself and the joy is taken out of everything because I can't be present and enjoy things when I've got that mental load forever hanging over me.

My husband is similar, more hands on with the kids but I often have to mediate between him and DC1. They have the same diagnosis so the parent-child relationship goes out the window and I often end up a mum of 3

It really is bloody hard work, relentless most days. You get lost in everyone else's routines and it seems you only exist to manage, mediate and cajole everyone.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

Incorporate the kids in your personal hobbies. My DP's father is obsessed with cycling, and would always drag his kids along. Now, my DP loves cycling in any shape or form. His brother similarly still likes it, and is now teaching his own kids. Our niece is four, and totally into the Disney princesses phase, but also loves roughing around on her bike.

Oh FFS. Your husband goes to the gym in the evenings, finishes work at 5. You get a few hours off at one point but spend them doing house stuff. Your husband works? Saturdays (don't tell me he does a hobby that will be worse) and forces you to spend Sunday "as a family" so he doesn't have to do any solo childcare.

Read that back and just think about it. Honestly, it's shit, you are Not Unreasonable to think it's shit.

You're saying you keep having to do things you don't want to, but what DO you want to do? Find some stuff and do it and make your DH do some parenting!

In our house we alternate bedtime duty and the other parent usually does some kind of exercise or sees a friend on the days they're not on bedtime. We each get a few hours at the weekend (me Sat morning, him Sun morning), and we BOTH do some solo childcare to enable this.

@Milkminder

My dc fight constantly. Dc1 is the problem. He hates having a sibling and would have been a lot happier remaining an only one. By the time he was 7 he was pretty used to having me all the time. Sharing me has been really difficult for him and he responds with a lot of resentment towards dc2. It’s a shame because dc2 idolises him but there’s a lot of fighting - physical fighting too, which worries me as he is 12 and she is 5.

Sorry I have now seen their ages.

I have felt the same since the pandemic started. It's just all endless drudgery.

In saying that, your DH is not helping at all. Honestly, if you divorced him you'd at least have EOW of free time.

Is this a standard day? You have managed to fit an awful lot in after school! I would be exhausted after all that. Leave them to play on their own for a bit as well 🙂 But yes, parenting is lots of things you dont want to do. I'm helping out in the rain and wind at forest school this afternoon - would make rather sit in a cafe with tea and cake 😆

so many little changes that you could make to make it easier.

1. 12 year old gets themselves to school
2. 12 year doesn't come to the park
3. 12 year old has a bedtime. Upstairs at 8.30, asleep by nine.
4. Cook one meal.
5. Sunday go out for the morning by yourself and don't force a family day.

Do those times this week and then tackle your useless husband

Cut the board games, let them read to alexa. Cook one pot for all.

The problem you have OP is that your husband should be around to facilitate one to one time with each of the children instead his uselessness means they are constantly having to share you so the issues arise.

Reading your posts you are so passive it sounds almost as if you are a viewer in your own life rather than a participant

Wow, imagine having to do things you don't want. What a terrible awful state of affairs