To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

The husband is the problem, but I'm laughing at all those saying well if you separate he'll have them for custody and then you will have a break.

I had one of those DH's that did nothing. It came as no surprise that when we separated he did not in fact step up to parent, and he barely has our child at all. If he doesn't do the mundane stuff now, it might be that he doesn't step up to the mundane stuff either. My ex didn't believe in me getting time to myself, and he will continue to try and ruin that if he does have her (phone calls, being late, bringing home early etc).

All that to say, life is still easier on my own, and I've grown to accept other people's help in having my kid. But truth is, I don't get much time to myself - that's pretty impossible when you are the only responsibly parenting. Hold some boundaries - lower some standards, my kid maybe has more screen time, but it gives me the chance to watch some tv or read a book. She gets dragged to places where she might not be that happy to be, but if it means I get to see my friends it's worth it.

OP your posts are making me so sad. You absolutely have a DH problem.

To put it bluntly, your husband is happy for you to live an unfulfilling, painful, stressed life, in order to facilitate his pleasant stress-free life. Can you imagine someone treating your kids like that when they are your age?

If you divorced him and had shared custody, you would have free time to yourself 50% of the time, while he looked after your children. And you wouldn't be so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not suggesting you should divorce him but just pointing out that your life might actually be easier without being married and living together. That's a crazy situation to be in (and stay in as it is).

You only get one life, don't give it up to serve other people who don't appreciate it. You deserve to be happy.

I think you've got to fight the battles you're likely to win.

For example, DH steps up for a week then it goes back to 'normal' again. Can you say to him you need this Saturday or Sunday to yourself and he needs to take the kids out for the day or do something with them at home. It doesn't matter if they spend the day on the PS4 and have pizza and sweets. You're getting time off and a bit of a 'junk' day didn't hurt anyone now and then. Tell him when you need him on duty and let him do it his way. As long as they are safe and fed that's all that matters. If you have to tell him every month, 6 weeks or whatever so be it. As long as he does it, a reminder from you doesn't matter. But don't use your time to do housework or whatever. It's your time - go to a cafe with a newspaper, go for a quiet walk, go to your galleries, go window shopping - just enjoy some time.

Can DC1 play with DC2 for a while? I know you said there's resentment so you may have to supervise but just sitting back and letting them figure it out with a bit of intervention when needed can sometimes be good for everyone. They may even find they enjoy each others company and that's a bit of time you're clawing back eventually. Could DC1 teach DC2 how to play chess? Even if you're reading a book quietly in the background you're not the centre of DC2 world at that point so they're learning it doesn't always have to be you.
Eventually that becomes a thing the two of them do instead of you.

As for the kids moaning when you take them places. That's normal. DS did that. But we used to work hard at making it fun. Going to a gallery and choosing our favourite piece. Working out what the man in the painting may be saying to the woman in the painting (the funnier the better as it got DS giggling so he saw art as fun and started looking forward to going to these places). Going to a museum and getting him to think about how a thing was made or how the people lived or how that dinosaur would eat or move. Anything to make things fun. Then teaching them to quietly think/read/look - how to take things in. We'd say something like 'there's a bird in that painting - can you find it' or 'what did that sign say about Churchill's wife? Go back and have a look' It's hard work at first but eventually DS started going off to areas alone (in sight of course) and telling us things he'd learned about the things he was interested in.

DS now has a huge interest in history, geography, astronomy and science and suggests places like Greenwich, Natural History Museum, Chartwell and Hever Castle etc for places to visit as he enjoys them. When he was 9 years old we went to Hadrian's Wall and the Roman sites along it - the stuff he learned and taught us was amazing and the way his mind started to figure out how a shoe may have tied or a piece of equipment might have been used was incredible!

Kids don't automatically enjoy galleries or museums - they have to be taught how to immerse themselves and get enjoyment from the place.

So if you go tell the kids you're going for an hour, choose a couple of things to look at and get them involved. Have a look on line and choose an area together if it's a museum. Just do that area unless they show they're wanting to stay and do another section. DS was (and still is) fascinated by the huge gates and statues in the British Museum and he'd make up stories about why the gates were needed, who the enemy was - normally aliens from another planet with blasters but who cares? It's fun! Then go for a McDonald's or get a cake as a treat. Make galleries and museums part of a fun day rather than a traipse around. Short and sharp, straight in and straight out then gradually increase the time.

You have two sources of help in your home - your DH and your DC1. They both need to learn to step up to help with DC2 and DC2 has to learn to value them as much as she does you.

Sorry for the novel!

What do you want to do? Can you get the kids interested in some things you actually like?

@burritofan

That’s why I break up the series of things I don’t want to do with something I do want to do: .

You’re not wrong, it’s tedious. I do think it’s extra boring right now because there’s no respite from general life – yes the pubs are opening and lockdown is lifting but the rain has largely shat on that and it’s quite hard gearing back up to normal life after a year-plus of drudgery.

I quite fancy going to a farm though, sorry. Is there a tea shop? With a massive cake with your name on it?

I do this too. One soft play is near antique shop so I leave with Dh and have a wander.

Try and balance with what you do like.

My day was same yest.

Took dd3 and 4 to school, walked home and drove ds1 to sixth form, drove back, went to shop, cleaned house, picked up dd4, made her lunch, picked up ds1, picked up dd3, picked up dd2 from revision club , made snacks, took dd3 and 4 to swimming, bathed them, made dinner, reaD stories, online parents eve for dd2 then went to work in evening (care work so no break from caring lol)
Ugh

Not RTFT, but as everyone has said, you are doing too much and your husband does nothing. I never did any of that and my husband took them on weekends. Also, I will be damned if I ever cook separately for anyone. Everybody eats the same thing and if they don't like it, they get toast and fruit.

They follow me around saying Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum.

You need to train them to play independently OP! You don't have to entertain them for every second they're awake, and if you do you're not doing them or you any favours. They should be quite content playing with toy cars, Lego etc. while you take a bit of time for yourself to listen to a podcast, read or whatever it is you, as an adult, like doing.This new style of 'martyr' parenting isn't good for anyone. How do kids these days develop their imaginations and self-soothing skills if they have to be constantly entertained?

And yeah, where's your husband in all this? If you DC's weekend has to packed with activities, not all of these are your responsibility. As far as soft-play goes, you know you don't HAVE to take them to these places?

To put it bluntly, your husband is happy for you to live an unfulfilling, painful, stressed life, in order to facilitate his pleasant stress-free life.

This is absolutely what is happening here.

So what are YOU going to do about it OP? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Can't you just plan some stuff you do want to do? What did you enjoy when you were a child? Do some of that with them.

I genuinely loved doing stuff with DC because I got to do stuff again that I'd loved as a child, from body surfing and looking in rockpools at the seaside, to going to circuses and on stream trains, muddy bike rides, petting zoos etc. I get that you don't enjoy a lot of these things but there must be some things from childhood you do enjoy.

Introduce them to some of your interests too.

Try reading ALL of the OP's posts. She isnt a single parent as she is married. But she is a LONE parent as her husband does fuck all. Her feelings about motherhood are a symptom of the life she is being forced to live by a lazy selfish arsehole.

This is true. I hated almost every day of the early years, truly hated it. Couldn't understand for a second HOW anyone found joy in parenting small children. I live hours from family, rural, isolated in my husbands home "town" backwater. But funnily enough when my lovely mum would come to visit I found everything was different. She's an amazing grandmother and when she's here we both effectively do the drudge work together. She'll play with them while I cook or vice versa, she'll cook on other days - decide what we're having (bane of my life), shop for ingredients and bring one or both children with her so I get a "rest", we plan our days together, she'll bring my children to get new shoes or for a trip to a cafe. Give them a bath. My husband does none of the above. She essentially acts how I imagine a good co-parent would. It's teamwork and it makes EVERYTHING better, brighter, more at ease.

My children's behaviour is calm and happy as they're not both depending on one stressed out person to meet their every need. The most significant difference during these times is that I actually get to enjoy them. I sit back and find myself with a stupid soppy smile watching them play, I'm more patient, tolerant and kind. I genuinely enjoy our trips out as I'm not wrangling them solo and I have adult company. As much as I love all this it's always tinged with sadness as I realise this could have been my parenting experience if my husband hadn't been so selfish and lazy. It didn't have to be so miserable and I will never forgive him for robbing me of a happy parenting experience and robbing our children of a happy, content mother.

I'm in the process of LTB. Im sure it will come with new stresses but at least I won't be living under a cloud of resentment.

Time your DH shaped up or shipped out. Stop running a restaurant for everyone: you cook one meal only. Your DS is old enough to help with planning and cooking meals, and to take on some household responsibilities. Get that PS4 out of the bedroom, and DS off to bed at a reasonable hour.

You sound utterly ground down. True, adult life often consists of doing things you don’t want, but this is totally joyless for you while your useless DH gets to just please himself.

Stop enabling this. You may have to be the bad guy for a bit. They’ll live.

This aspect of it gets better once they're older, honest. Then you can do things you all enjoy together.

You sound like an amazing mum, to be honest. My mum was a great mum but she certainly let my brother and I get on with things more than you seem to. It's really important to teach kids to entertain themselves.

Would they sit quietly if you set them up with some colouring/painting? Remember there's nothing wrong with sitting them in front of a DVD sometimes too - or some iPad time if they're old enough for that. It's all about balance. It sounds like your kids have an amazing lifestyle, but you have to be happy too!

As usual, it's not a kids problem. It's that you have a shitty husband.

Although you are making parenting harder than it needs to be as well.

@An0n0n0n

Quite a few people commenting on MUMSNet, that this is why they chose not to have children. If you cant empathise please can you just not comment instead of dripping superiority onto a thread where real pwople are finding things hard. Im sure there will be plenty of people who can relate to your views about how choosing not to have children because you know better than other people would be more relatable there.

What do you wnat parents to do with their children, send them back!?!? Honestly your comments are unhelpful at best and you should think about what anyone os getting from you posting.

Comments like these always take a really struggling mother and extrapolate them to apply to a whole population. I am not saying parenting is not hard, but there are solutions. I have had a lot of fun with my children when they were younger. But obviously I would not post that because it would be seen, rightly, as smug. Parents tend to post the problems that they have. They don't post the small joys. That does not mean they regret having children or are to be pitied.

Right now, find something you want to do - a yoga class, a regular meeting with a friend, whatever. Put it on the calendar and tell your DH you will be out so he needs to mind the DC then. And do it.

And if he can't even give you that, then it's time to seriously think about splitting up. Just think about it, if you were on your own, you'd do less work than now as you wouldn't have to do stuff for him, plus you'd get proper time to yourself when he had the kids.

The posters happy they get 2 weekends a month to themselves. My kids drive me wild but I wouldn't want to not see them every day.

You need to work out what you can't or aren't willing to change, and what you are.

Get the PS out the bedroom,
Tell DP it's time to pull his weight then STOP putting dinner on for him etc. He might not get better long term but you can stop making it so easy for him
Start making plans on a Sunday. Doesn't matter if he declare it family time, he's not in charge of you
Set time boundaries for your kids. Quiet hour before bed reading or at least in bedroom for DS1. Then you get your evening back.

Also, whilst I am having a rant! Your "D"H is actually ruining motherhood for you! It is the fact that you are the responsible parent 100% of the time and never have down time or time to yourself. Your DH is totally the cause of this. He will ruin your relationship you will have with your children for ever if you don't deal with this
This is brilliantly put and so true.

On a practical level assuming you won't leave him then I would tell him you need more from him and be specific. Block out days/evenings that are his. Me and DH tend to alternate who's bedtime we sort. We are both here so one of us will do the younger ones baths and stories while the other one will do a card game with the older ones or whatever. We also send them up at a fixed time but allow them to have a bit of time on their own reading and/or playing quietly. I think 10 is too late for a 12 year old to start a game of chess. I'd say send him up at 9 and let him have an hour in his room before he gets in bed at 10. That way you know at 9pm your job is done.

Also the twelve year old following you around wanting attention is a little unusual. Can you have a chat with him about this. Maybe explain that it's important you spend time together but it's also important for both of you to have time alone. What does he like doing on his own? Can you factor in a fixed slot which is just time you spend together then say he must occupy himself or spend time with daddy at other times.

Also it is ok to let them watch TV or play computer games sometimes and you can arrange playdates for them again which might take the pressure off you being the entertainment. It sounds like you are a great mum but seem to carry the burden of believing you need to entertain them all the time. You don't.

It will get better, sounds like your dc are young. As they get older they will get more independent from you. I found the reading and the crafts and the 'play princesses with me' mind numbing as well. In my house my kids grew up laughing at the fact that 'mummy doesn't do painting'.

Make sure you have a little treat for yourself once a day, put the TV on for the kids for half an hour and give yourself some me time.

Now my kids are older, thankfully the soft play at park farms and the painting requests are over, they can all read and write and know their times tables. Also know how to ride a bike and swim. Job done. I don't miss it at all. I can now have interesting conversations with them and we all watch films that I enjoy as well.

You are not selfish, just normal.

@DelBocaVista

This is why we trained DS to like the pub 😂😂

hahahahahahaha!!!! love this!!

You might find things improve when your DH is an ex. At least he may take his DC on family time with him instead. You may get a break too. Your DC are not the problem here and you need to redirect your frustrations at the real problem

I don't know about Op, but everyone told neo it'd be different with my own, that it is "so hard, but so rewarding", like nothing else on earth. And I believed them. I shouldn't have.

There's also all those people who constantly push around the idea (plenty of those people on this site) that you won't know happiness or love till you have kids and constantly feel the need to feel sorry for women who don't. If you grow up hearing these things, you wonder what you're missing out on and end up having kids thinking things will change when the kid is born.

I have friends who absolutely regret having children and, unlike OP, decided to just send their kids to boarding school at 7 years of age. Some others settle with giving them iPads and sticking them on it while they spend hours after school at yoga, coffee shops, and meetings with other mums whose DCs are all on iPads too.

Of course, all these mums will be universally derided on Mumsnet, strangely often by the same crowd who enjoy talking about how sad they feel when they look at childless women.

@Twotinydictators

Well you don't sound selfish to me!

Let them get on with it a bit more, you are important too. You don't have to fill every moment for them, carve some time out for yourself.

So true, I get amazed reading on here how parents seem to feel the need to interact with their children all the time! You spend a lot of money on great toys but then don't leave them to play with them, it's not necessary and could be counterproductive if your child assumes there will be adult involvement all the time. When children are old learning to be bored or find something to do is a good life skill too.

I think you have made a mistake with your heading OP. It should read: To think once you marry a selfish twat your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

This.

but DH isn’t here Saturday and Sunday he says it’s ‘family time.’

Honestly why are you putting up with this shit? Do you never just want to scream at him 'why are you treating me like shit? I don't want more fucking holidays, I want a husband who acts like an adult not a self-obsessed third child'?

I'm torn between feeling really sorry for you and feeling annoyed that you're bringing up children who are learning that women deserve to be treated like shit on a daily basis.