To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

@Milkminder

Whineandwine I’d sooner be a patient at a real dentist’s surgery than an imaginary play one and I have a hatred of the dentist 😂

The other night about 10pm dc1 said ‘want to play chess?’ No. I want to be left in peace for half an hour. Also my brain has ceased to function.

Is your DC1 still up at 10? Even at age 12, he should probably be in bed by then. If he goes to bed earlier, you will more of the evening to yourself? My DS1 is 11, he goes to bed at 9 and reads for a while. I understand he wants some 1-1 time with me though, after his little brother is in bed. We find a series we both enjoy and watch it for half an hour before bed, we sit on the sofa under a blanket, have a cuppa (milk for him!) and it's just us. It's lovely, and I enjoy what we are watching too. There's loads on Netflix that is suitable for a 12 year old.

Isn't that adulthood? Before I had dc I worked all the time but at least I got weekends to My self.

Now I agree I've spent the last decade mainly doing things I don't want to do.

“1forAll74
Saying that you don't wish to do much with your children,is quite odd and a bit shocking really.”

The thing is that OP is telling us what she feels about what she does with her children ( and husband), not what she does - which is very much more than most mothers would, including those who say they love it all.

It is the amount she does for them while having no time or space for herself which is shocking.

Woman are brought up to think there is something inherently good about self-sacrifice, but this is a mistake especially when taken to this degree. If OP looses herself her children will effectively loose her too.

Op, you say that you're listening, but you're not.

Hundreds of posters have told you what the problem is.

There's no real point any of us repeating it, as you're not listening.

It's clear at the moment you're not ready/strong enough to make your own life better. I hope you will be one day, and as soon as possible.

But, maybe you're strong enough to make your dc's life better. This current display of men do what they want and women are skivvys will render their adult life's shit, like yours is.

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to hear it in a way that goes in; to better your own life.

You need to create your own boundaries rather than doing things you're not happy with and resenting it.

If other people won't give you what you need, you need to take what you need.

So instead of silently sighing and playing a 10pm game of chess or whatever, just say no. Instead of making DHs dinner while he is off cycling, say no - you have yoga.

Everyone else is doing what they want, so what's the better option, agreeing not to have a voice or just standing up for yourself?

Yep ! Like modern slavery ! 🙄

I am assuming this type of abuse from your husband has been ongoing for 12 years, since your first was born?

It's time for a cards on the table, I am not happy talk, this needs to change for more than one week.

Let me get the calendar and we will mark out days for the next six months when you have responsibility for the DC on a Saturday, when you are meal prepping and cooking and STICK TO IT!!

Book a whole weekend away by yourself. Tell your DC and DH you’re having a holiday and go. What’s the worst that can happen?

Also, whilst I am having a rant! Your "D"H is actually ruining motherhood for you! It is the fact that you are the responsible parent 100% of the time and never have down time or time to yourself. Your DH is totally the cause of this. He will ruin your relationship you will have with your children for ever if you don't deal with this.

Get rid of him, he can then parent when he has his access time with the children!

That sounds like a really difficult dynamic between the 2 of them and I can see that makes it difficult for you to get your 12 year old to entertain himself independently. But you trying to split yourself in 2 to keep them both happy isn't working for anyone, is it? DH needs to step up and at least take one child, much more often.

Also DS doesn't have to be doing something of his choice in your time together. He might be just as happy (after initial grumbling) helping you cook dinner sometimes. I've had some of my best chats with my 12 year old when he is making a fruit salad and I'm cooking tea. You may not have the energy for that specifically. My point is more he can still have quality time with you without having you sat down doing something you don't want to do.

You are doing a lot with or for your children - it is really important that they learn to self entertain . When you’ve got them both home from school sit down and make yourself a cuppa / read a book / scroll on MN … even if just half an hour .

You sound really ground down and dejected. You understand your “D”H is the problem but you are seemingly reluctant to rock the boat. If you can’t face leaving him when you might have occasional weekends and evening off then you do need to take some steps to redress the balance. I understand even that seems daunting when your husband won’t change.

So then look at small steps and build up. Take an hour out on a Sunday morning to get a coffee and read a book then come back and do family day. Refuse to go on self catering holidays. Stop preparing different meals for your husband, so what if he has pesto pasta several nights a week. He has a pair of hands he can cook his own if he doesn’t like it. Just try and assert yourself a little. By making a few minor changes you might restore some balance and start to enjoy your children more as a result.

I have half a day in the week and that’s my time, that’s what DH says.

Why aren’t you more angry at him?

Write down your work hours outside the house, and then all the childcare and domestic stuff you do. All the hours.

Write down his work hours and all the childcare and donations stuff he does (ha!).

Compare.

Tell him from now on you’ll be dividing the cooking and chores more easily, and leisure time will be split. Alternating Saturday mornings, family time afternoon, whatever. But you get half a day minimum at the weekend, as does he. The other day is ‘family time’ i.e. he pulls his weight.

Be clear and direct.
Don’t allow him to ‘forget’ or go back to old habits.

Your 12 year old needs him as does your younger DD. If you both did more of an equal parenting split the DC could get what they need.

It’s NOT the fault of the age gap between the DC. It is the fault of their father not adapting to the family situation and being more present for their needs.

He’s the one acting like he’s had it all his own way when you only had 1 DC. Not your DS.

Quite a few people commenting on MUMSNet, that this is why they chose not to have children. If you cant empathise please can you just not comment instead of dripping superiority onto a thread where real pwople are finding things hard. Im sure there will be plenty of people who can relate to your views about how choosing not to have children because you know better than other people would be more relatable there.

What do you wnat parents to do with their children, send them back!?!? Honestly your comments are unhelpful at best and you should think about what anyone os getting from you posting.

@An0n0n0n

Quite a few people commenting on MUMSNet, that this is why they chose not to have children. If you cant empathise please can you just not comment instead of dripping superiority onto a thread where real pwople are finding things hard. Im sure there will be plenty of people who can relate to your views about how choosing not to have children because you know better than other people would be more relatable there.

What do you wnat parents to do with their children, send them back!?!? Honestly your comments are unhelpful at best and you should think about what anyone os getting from you posting.

Totally agree with this, well said.

I agree with others that it’s your husband who is not sharing parental duties. You need more time to yourself.

Also I remember reading an article about how different cultures approach raising children. In some they don’t really focus that much on the children and going to places specifically for them. The adults go to their places and take the children along. It’s not bad for the children and they adapt and learn things. You shouldn’t feel you’re doing parenting wrong if you go somewhere that would interest you more than the children.

Totally know what you mean - my most unfavourite time was the swimming lessons. Horrible. The pool smelled like wee, was so hot (as pool needed to be warm for children) but felt like a steam bath. Persisted for 5 years

Fast forward and the teenagers asked a few days ago why we ever went to swimming as they hated it

I see where you're coming from OP. Apart from more equal parenting which is crucial for your sanity and your relationship, could you:

Outsource a couple more activities to the school, after school clubs etc.
Take a book/magazine/podcast to the park and activities for when you're not needed
Try and get the DC into books/movies/shows/games that you actually like
meet friends at activities so it's social for you
Get the oldest to be more independent and slightly scale back your involvement in the evenings

I love kids’ activities, crafts etc, but I would still need a break.

You definitely need time to yourself OP. A lot of time.

Oh ffs get rid of your lazy lump of a husband. At least that way you would get time off when they were with him. It's draining because some ignorant disrespectful twat is sat there increasing your workload and doesn't actually care about you. Yes, you are enabling him but it's hard once the rot has set in. Do you actually like him? It's hard to see why. Once he's out of the picture and you haven't got to consider his demands the children will be easier to cope with (according to every friend who's been like you).

Tell them to ask dad . Say not now I'm busy . Take some time
For yourself . Cook what you like . And don't be such a f**king martyr . He can take the kids to the gym and put them I. Children's sport or crèche . Put your foot down .

I totally empathise with your opening post - I feel the same way.

However, you shouldn't be feeling like this all the time, because you have a DH who should be sharing the load. Why is he lying on the sofa, playing video games, going cycling etc when you're doing all the housework and childcare? That is outrageous. You need to be more assertive, OP, and make it clear to him that he needs to do more housework and childcare, and give you a break to do non-housework/childcare things. You will burn out otherwise. If he won't, then I don't see why you should stay with him - if you separate and have the children 50:50, you'll get a break then.

Parenting is hard, exhausting, draining etc etc, this is all true - but having a lazy lump of a DH who dumps everything on you, is the problem is in your situation.

The husband is the problem

@An0n0n0n

Quite a few people commenting on MUMSNet, that this is why they chose not to have children. If you cant empathise please can you just not comment instead of dripping superiority onto a thread where real pwople are finding things hard. Im sure there will be plenty of people who can relate to your views about how choosing not to have children because you know better than other people would be more relatable there.

What do you wnat parents to do with their children, send them back!?!? Honestly your comments are unhelpful at best and you should think about what anyone os getting from you posting.

Well said, there are plenty of other topics for the childfree people to give their superior opinions on, this isn’t one of them as it isn’t helpful to OP or others who are feeling the same

OP your husband really needs to step up and the only way he will do that is if you make him, no point in having conversations about how you need help, don’t ask him, tell him!

He has his saturdays, you should have sundays to do as you wish. Just leave the house, even if you go for a drive and have to sit in your car, let him get on with fatherly duties.

you need your ‘you’ time so you can start enjoying time with your kids. I have a great husband who makes me take time for myself, and even then i find parenting tough and boring some days so I can’t imagine how you’re feeling without time out and not doing anything you enjoy

I'm not going to comment much on your husband - he sounds like a twat but you clearly posted here needing some empathy
I understand OP! I'm now on my 3rd round of bloody Biff and Chip and listening to my youngest painfully sound out the same books his sisters read to me a million times is making my ears bleed! What do you like to do with your time? How can your kids get involved in something you want to do? I enjoy cooking and baking, so I'm teaching my kids to help, and my oldest can now passably make dinner on occasion. I'm also doing basic crosswords with them as something else I enjoy.
Sometimes, I say "I'm doing this now, you can join in or you can amuse yourself" and that's ok too. You don't always have to do what your kids want!!