To think once you have dc your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

[Milkminder]

Mine is. It’s constant.
Today I got up early to take dc1 to school. Then came back and listened to dc2 read (painful) and then took dc2 to school. Went to work. Went and fetched the dc. Took them to the park for an hour (massively boring). Got back. Cooked something they’d both eat and something else for DH that he’d eat, didn’t even bother making anything for myself because frankly it was too much effort. Did craft with dc2. Helped dc1 with homework. Played cricket with dc1. Bathed dc2 and listened to them scream about how they hated having a bath. Now I’m about to do bedtime stories for dc2 before going and playing a board game with dc1.

The weekend will consist of activities they want to do and I find deathly boring.

Does everyone find it deathly boring? I wonder if I shouldn’t have had dc as I’m too selfish. I just find it SUCH HARD WORK and feel as though I only ever get to do what they want to do.
The weekend will be football sessions, swimming and then a trip to a farm - I don’t want to do any of those things.

It might not seem like an easy option now, but you're doing it all anyway. Why not do it on your terms?

My stepsister thought so but she just exchanged one set of problems for another. Not only did she get zero spousal support but finances meant the house had to be sold and she had to work full time. Her ex remarried , started a family ( very hands on too ) and she never heard from him again. She got child maintenance but nothing more. Her kids grew up without a male influence which proved troublesome later on. She got involved with other men but they had their own kids to worry about. To be honest, she would have been in shit street if my father hadn’t bailed her out on a regular basis and paid her mortgage off. Her son graduated from university and emigrated to Australia. Her daughter self harmed and ended up in therapy , again paid for by my father. It finally came together for her and she remarried in her late forties but she suffered 25 years of total shit.

@1forAll74

You perhaps should not have had any children, if this is your take on life. and you wanted to be a free agent. How on earth can you say things are always boring ,bringing up your children, and teaching them lots of things etc. Saying that you don't wish to do much with your children,is quite odd and a bit shocking really.

Try reading ALL of the OP's posts. She isnt a single parent as she is married. But she is a LONE parent as her husband does fuck all. Her feelings about motherhood are a symptom of the life she is being forced to live by a lazy selfish arsehole.

Would you say to a woman clearly suffering PND that she shouldnt have had children? No, you wouldnt. So why are being so horrible to the OP when her problems are clearly not about her not wanting to have had children?

@Pyewackect

It might not seem like an easy option now, but you're doing it all anyway. Why not do it on your terms?

My stepsister thought so but she just exchanged one set of problems for another. Not only did she get zero spousal support but finances meant the house had to be sold and she had to work full time. Her ex remarried , started a family ( very hands on too ) and she never heard from him again. She got child maintenance but nothing more. Her kids grew up without a male influence which proved troublesome later on. She got involved with other men but they had their own kids to worry about. To be honest, she would have been in shit street if my father hadn’t bailed her out on a regular basis and paid her mortgage off. Her son graduated from university and emigrated to Australia. Her daughter self harmed and ended up in therapy , again paid for by my father. It finally came together for her and she remarried in her late forties but she suffered 25 years of total shit.

My life is harder as a single parent in terms of finances but you know what?

When I am on my beam end with tiredness, when I am fucking DONE with making ends meet, cooking, cleaning, washing etc.....I dont have to look at the smug fucking face on the sofa that is doing nothing and who I just know will try it on in bed and get the proper fucking hump because I am too tired to do anything but go into a coma.

I do all I ever did, and the financial struggles are worth it every single day to not have that piece of shit in my life. Its a price worth paying.

PyongyangKipperbang

Well I’m glad you feel it was worth while. My stepsister was totally overwhelmed by it. If it hadn’t been for my father I don’t know how she , or her kids , would have survived.

@Pyewackect

Are you seriously suggesting women should just shut up and put up because financially things will be harder if they leave their useless husband?

Take @PyongyangKipperbang ‘s case - she stays with POS, he continues to do nothing, she does everything, resentment starts to make her a bitter person, her children learn that women do all the work and the cycle perpetuates. Hopefully her daughters learn that they deserve more and her sons learn that they must be more if they are to remain in a relationship.

Your life sounds miserable and you do too much.

Unfortunately the waster father is central to your misery.

Stop doing anything for him.

Move the bloody ps4 out of the room.

But it reads as if you must be afraid of him because I can't imagine why any woman would put up with what you do.

You are also teaching your children that you deserve zero consideration.

It is perfectly reasonable to say No I am tired and need 10 minutes. Very normal.

@Pyewackect

PyongyangKipperbang

Well I’m glad you feel it was worth while. My stepsister was totally overwhelmed by it. If it hadn’t been for my father I don’t know how she , or her kids , would have survived.

Or perhaps she has been trained to rely on men instead of relying on herself? Which is why she swapped her husband supporting her financially for her father doing it. It says a lot that she had other relationships that didnt work out, perhaps because they werent the chequebook she was hoping for.

Personally I prefer to stand on my own two feet. Its a matter of pride.

Thank you @Helenahandbasket1

I believe you can turn this around for yourself.
It's easy to just go along and do the things and not even realise how trampled on boundaries are.

I will guess that when your DH wants to do something, he just does it. Take a bike ride, just does it. Go to the pub or shop, just does it.
PS in you bedroom, he just took it up there and installed it.

How they see their father treat you is teaching them to disrespect you and women. They'll grow up with the attitude that women are there to do things for them and what they want at that moment is the most important thing.

None of them consider you at all.

It'll probably be difficult at first, but start saying no.
Stop asking for permission.
Take the PS out of the bedroom. Just do it. No explanation.

You don't have to go to the park after school or play whatever they want at anytime.
Tell them the park will be once a week from now on.

Then when you get them home, have them help with the cooking and tidy up afterwards. One meal for everyone.

Regular bedtime for them too.

Pick out things you want to do and do them. Yoga, glass blowing, whatever.

That's just a start.

Lots to think about here.

I think the kicker for me has been having dc1 followed by dc2 unexpectedly 7 years later. I’d already done all the kids’ stuff and quite enjoyed it once. Dc2 is actually an ‘easier’ child than dc1 but is still demanding of my time. Wants me to go in the soft play. Won’t let me just sit. And I find taking them both out together really hard work because nothing suits both. Dc1 has ASD and finds it hard to make friends. He now has one close friend - this is the first friend he’s ever had - and he will occasionally meet him outside of school but only for an hour and then he’s done. Consequently he draws a lot from me as well, because he doesn’t have the same amount of other outlets as he might were he NT.
DH comes and goes as he pleases, always has. Finishes his work at 5pm and comes downstairs asking what’s for dinner. On the evenings he goes to the gym he calls on the way back to say put his dinner in. I agree some of this is my fault because I’ve just done it but I have said over the years that things need to change, and they do for a week and then we are back to square one again.

I think you've had lots of good advice already about him not changing and you needing to decide if this is what you want for your life. It doesn't have to be this way (child focused 100% to the point that you feel so negatively about parenting) and isn't this way with a supportive equal partner. Sometimes people find it easier to be alone than to have another person in the house who isn't practically or emotionally there for them. I suspect that is making you so much more downtrodden and your kids are where you are projecting it.

@Milkminder

Lots to think about here.

I think the kicker for me has been having dc1 followed by dc2 unexpectedly 7 years later. I’d already done all the kids’ stuff and quite enjoyed it once. Dc2 is actually an ‘easier’ child than dc1 but is still demanding of my time. Wants me to go in the soft play. Won’t let me just sit. And I find taking them both out together really hard work because nothing suits both. Dc1 has ASD and finds it hard to make friends. He now has one close friend - this is the first friend he’s ever had - and he will occasionally meet him outside of school but only for an hour and then he’s done. Consequently he draws a lot from me as well, because he doesn’t have the same amount of other outlets as he might were he NT.
DH comes and goes as he pleases, always has. Finishes his work at 5pm and comes downstairs asking what’s for dinner. On the evenings he goes to the gym he calls on the way back to say put his dinner in. I agree some of this is my fault because I’ve just done it but I have said over the years that things need to change, and they do for a week and then we are back to square one again.

That's because you need to change as well And stop seeing everything as your responsibility. He knows you're there, he knows you'll step up , he knows that after a week you'll step right back in and do everything.

I think you have made a mistake with your heading OP. It should read: To think once you marry a selfish twat your whole life becomes a series of things you don’t want to do?

If it wasn't for his selfishness, you would have a much more balanced life and you wouldn't feel the way you do about your children (even though I understand that you love them very much). He is making you feel this way, nobody else. He needs to step up or get out.

DH comes and goes as he pleases, always has. Finishes his work at 5pm and comes downstairs asking what’s for dinner. On the evenings he goes to the gym he calls on the way back to say put his dinner in. I agree some of this is my fault because I’ve just done it but I have said over the years that things need to change, and they do for a week and then we are back to square one again.

So you've actually a servant as well?

Stop doing it and stop appeasing your useless lazy DH and blaming your DC!

It's the adults in this situation that are at fault.

Just stop doing all this stuff.

If I did everything my kids wanted me to do all day I'd spend my life doing pretend play and children's activities. But I have a life too and need to do things for me - and like others have said, it's valuable that they see their mother as a human with needs that have to be respected just like theirs.

Even just taking them to the park and sitting on a bench with a coffee and magazine - I do this, and it's actually a great way to relax.

You don't need to be there 100% of the time - it's fine to say no and leave them.

Does your DH know how unhappy you are? Why does he want to live with someone who's feeling like a shell of themselves because they've got no time for themselves? Does he think it's a woman's place to do all the work?

You need to stand up for yourself and they need to see that you're a person too. If he goes back to how he was after a week - no dinner, nothing from your end. I hate the idea that women/mothers aren't people so much.

I felt like this and then I got a divorce. Now I’m not pissy with a lazy unhelpful waste of space husband and I get every other weekend to myself.

I suspect your issue isn’t the kids!

DH knows I’m unhappy. Is solution is to book loads of holidays. This isn’t what I want because it’s the same on holiday. I do it all. When we went away pre pandemic he mentioned afterwards how nice it was that the caravan had a dishwasher. It did not have a dishwasher. Well, it did I suppose. Me.

DH knows I’m unhappy. Is solution is to book loads of holidays. This isn’t what I want because it’s the same on holiday. I do it all. When we went away pre pandemic he mentioned afterwards how nice it was that the caravan had a dishwasher. It did not have a dishwasher. Well, it did I suppose. Me.

What was his response when you said it didn't?

Honestly you did every bit of washing up, prepping and everything on holiday and you blame your children for your unhappiness? Why on Earth do you not blame your husband?

So, would you be happy with this lazy arse if you didn't have children? How would you feel about him doing fuck all then?

When we went away pre pandemic he mentioned afterwards how nice it was that the caravan had a dishwasher. It did not have a dishwasher. Well, it did I suppose. Me.

So why just take it on as your own job? Why not finish dinner and then say everyone has to wash their plate? Part of this is you just accepting this as your workload which isn't fair or necessary.

Love, you do know that the problem isn’t the activities, it’s that they’re all on your shoulders

Give h notice that you want as much free time at the weekends as he has

You want to join a gym (if you do of course) and he’ll need to be home to cover for you while you’re off doing things

Book yourself a museum day for yourself, he’ll have the kids that day and make sure you do similar on a regular basis

And yes, remind him that if he doesn’t get it now, that you’ll expect 50/50 childcare split and he’ll have to do that alone.

Well of course until he finds his next servant on tinder or suchlike

This is NOT the way life should be.

I only worked part-time when my kids were in primary, so I had a lot of time at home with the kids. They largely occupied themselves inside or in the garden and played with each other while I pottered about doing the cooking, housework and occasionally working (the 1990s equivalent of catching up on emails).

The time we had together was tea time (eating at the table), bath-time (when age appropriate) and story-time which happily my children loved and which gave me a chance to re-read many of my old favourites and discover Morpurgo who I think is an extraordinary writer.

I didn't do as much with/for my kids as you are doing for yours. Let them watch the tele and you sit on the sofa reading a good magazine. Just being together is often enough.

Oh my god. Just get up early on Saturday morning and go out for the day by yourself. Shopping and coffee, or whatever you want to do. Just go!

My sister had a life very much like yours. She was widowed four years ago. Her martyrdom extended to when she had grandchildren as well. I tried many times to make her realise she should have some time to herself. She actually used to call me selfish because I always had a hobby and dared to do stuff like have weekends away without DH or the dc.

She found herself in widowhood. She started doing things for herself and after years of being very overweight her misery lifted and she lost six stone. She had basically been a comfort eater for decades.

Many posters have pointed out you have a DH problem and that you allowed this to happen. You need to make a stand. It is going to be tough because he is used to being waited on hand and foot. What you need is to not back down, find your boundaries and find yourself.

There are boring bits of course but I enjoy spending time with my daughter.

Re food she eats what we do & always has. Sometimes I’ll modify things for her like if we are having something spicy.

Re activities/ weekends we try to incorporate stuff DH & I enjoy too, like we are keen cyclists and dd is now getting into cycling too.

We also make sure both DH & I get a couple of sessions a week of “me time” which helps stopping things feel too relentless.

You need to be assertive with your "D"H. Carve out your needs and let him deal with it. "I am doing X on Sunday and I'll be back at..."

Don't book self catering when it's no holiday to you.

It is that bit harder and more draining having a child with ANs though. I find having to work at optomising DS1's moods or getting through his grouchy days on the edge of overloaded hard going (like living with a cross between Victor Meldrew and Kevin the Teenager). DS2, it's far easier to deal with transitions and get out to do stuff and just simpler emotionally.

Mine are closer in age at 8 & 10, but I'm finally getting results in training them up with a bit more "self care" around the house. Things like dedicating them a set shelf on the dishwasher and set half of the table helps with DS1. I sell it as family being a team. It's also hard for DH to argue putting his own plates in the dishwasher on that level.

I have half a day in the week and that’s my time, that’s what DH says.
But I use it in the house and realistically it’s only a couple of hours. Also none of my friends are off so I can’t arrange to see them or anything. I need to do that at a weekend but DH isn’t here Saturday and Sunday he says it’s ‘family time.’