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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that being a single mum is absolutely shite...

129 replies

JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:38

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope withHmm Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopauseSad They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shitSad

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 19/05/2021 19:42

FlowersBrewCakeit does get easier. Day at a time when things are rough.

You are awesome. You're studying, you're there as a loving mum doing the best you can. What a ton of stuff on your plate. Just be kind to yourself, one foot in front of the other and you'll come out the other side.

Royalbloo · 19/05/2021 19:42

It IS shit but there are great bits and whenever I feel like that I try to imagine just HOW AWFUL it would be to wake up anywhere without your children on a daily basis. However shitty it gets it's never worse than that. Keep on going x

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/05/2021 19:42

You poor thing, massive sympathy from me FlowersFlowers I can't think of anything practical to say, but feel free to vent away.

Happycat1212 · 19/05/2021 19:44

Yep! I'm a single mum to 4 (age 10 and under) my ex isn't involved he's choice completely, he is fully absent, never had them overnight, he's never even be to their school so I do absolutely everything, I've never had a break in 5 years as I have no one who will have 4 children . So they are with me every day. He pays no maintenance either, I come on MN and see loads of people saying how great it is to be a single mum and how they love it and wonder where I'm going wrong! Makes me feel even more shit for having it, I'm so exhausted I would give anything for a break!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/05/2021 19:44

Actually, one thing - have you got on to your GP about the menopause symptoms, and have they given you anything to help?

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/05/2021 19:45

I do it alone . The early years are tough. It honestly does get easier.

I would say beavers/ cubs / scouts was my.lifeline. it gave me a bit of space.

Groups are also a great help although limited at the moment.

Happycat1212 · 19/05/2021 19:45

Oh and it's not got easier for me no matter how often I read that. 5 years later I'm still wondering when it gets better

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:47

@Happycat1212. You aren't going wrong anywhere. It's just impossibly hardFlowers

The only other single mum I know has her DCs father take them every weekend. So I can't even relate to her because I'd kill to be in her shoes!

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 19/05/2021 19:47

You must be totally worn out. I'm sorry your ex is so useless it's not fair.
I have thought often that my dc deserve better than me, but to them you are the best mum in the world.
They are lucky to have you.

I wish I could come and give you a hand and take some of the weight off your shoulders Flowers

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:49

Oh and people tell me it gets easier too. Whereas in reality it's harder than ever. At least when they were babies my DM would come over and sit with me.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan I've started HRT, so no more hot flushesSmile

OP posts:
westendgirl780 · 19/05/2021 19:51

That sounds unbelievably hard. You are not unreasonable in the least. Sorry to hear how tired you are, no wonder. The only thing I can offer is kids in general do get easier. You are maybe 6m away from them being able to play and amuse themselves much more than they can now.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:51

Thank you @RightOnTheEdgeFlowers

The issues with my DH just make me even more depressed. I still haven't processed what the fuck happened.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 19/05/2021 19:51

Same most single mum's I know the kids go to their dad's so the mum's get a break , sorry but I don't want to be with my kids every day I just dont, I dream of a weekend where I can just relax and put my feet up, don't know how much more I can cope with never getting time to myself 🙁

Soulstirring · 19/05/2021 19:53

My close friend became a single mum shortly before we had our first. I used to sit up at night genuinely in awe of how she did it on her own. My son didn’t sleep well and with two of us there it was hard. I have nothing but respect for you, especially with twins. Know you are awesome and that this will pass.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:53

@Happycat1212 I genuinely fantasise about a week in hospital so I can rest.

Then I get a load of bollocks off my MIL about enjoying every moment. Feel like suggesting she takes them for a sodding week so she can enjoy the moment.

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 19/05/2021 19:53

Yep I agree,it's driven me to the brink. Ex DH moved an hour away to live with his girlfriend and her kids. She refuses to allow our DC's to stay overnight so I have not had a night off in 18 months. I'm skint,on really strong anti depressants and cry everyday.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 19/05/2021 19:53

@Happycat1212

Oh and it's not got easier for me no matter how often I read that. 5 years later I'm still wondering when it gets better
It doesn't get better until your DC become a bit more independent, ie in their teens although that brings a whole different set of issues. Op 3 year olds are hard work and twins must be so hard, can you speak to your HV and see if more days at nursery could be arranged? Even 1 more to give you a few hours to yourself a week, let them know how you're struggling and your mental health is at risk here.
HavelockVetinari · 19/05/2021 19:55

I'm so sorry OP, that must be horrendously tough Sad

Is there a twins club near you that you could get to? Friends of mine with multiples found it a lifeline.

Where in the UK are you?

ColdWaterTherapy · 19/05/2021 19:55

Yeah, it’s shit. I’m a widowed immigrant mum to a five year old, with an incredibly demanding career, and today I cried because there isn’t anyone in the country to be my second emergency contact for my son’s school. I don’t have any words of consolation for you, but I get it. Maybe it will get better and we won’t be always so trapped?

If anyone with a partner reading this is ever tempted to say, as has been said to me, “oh my husband plays so much golf I feel like a widow, haha” please know I am ten seconds away from ripping off your face and throwing it in the road.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/05/2021 19:56

You really are in a tough position. You are a sole parent. That means everything is you.

And you have twins.

And they are three which is probably one of the hardest ages, and you have been a solo parent for all the difficult toddler bits.

Its shit but you are doing it. Every day, one day at a time.

It might not get easier until they are at school and a bit more independent.

You are doing a great job

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 19/05/2021 19:57

My friend and I used to fantasise about being in traction with a broken leg in hospital, not in pain but just unable to get out of bed and being able to read all day.Grin

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/05/2021 19:57

@JadedStrumpet one less thing I suppose! I would suggest cheesecake as well, but there just isn't any substitute for rest and sleep when you're bone weary, is there Sad

Dishwashersaurous · 19/05/2021 19:58

Are they eligible 30 hours nursery funding yet, so they could go more days?

Or is there homestart in your area which can provide help

Oh and stop,engaging with your MIL

percheron67 · 19/05/2021 19:59

i found that out when I became a Widow.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/05/2021 20:00

Oh, and 'enjoy every moment' is a massive heap of swinging bollocks.