To say that being a single mum is absolutely shite...

[JadedStrumpet]

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope with Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopause They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shit

@JesusInTheCabbageVan @OnlyFoolsnMothers The only thing that stops me is the fact he has severe MH problems. I know she's embarrassed and I don't want to make her feel worse.

Op someone started a thread the other day about how hard it can be as a single mom. You are definitely not alone in finding it a steaming pile of thankless horse shit at times.

Three years old is my least favourite kids age, I really found that age difficult with mine. You have two of them, aggh no wonder it's hard.

I have been alone with mine since they were two and six, they are now 6 and ten. Honestly, it does get better.

My advice would be to make sure your health is a top priority, you must be in working order to manage this.
Ignore everyone who makes you feel you should be loving every moment of this, it is hard there is no getting away from this. You should not be required to gaslight yourself into pretending it's a wonderful time as well. However, it will pass.

Those twins have an amazing mother, you are the one who stayed, you are the one who keeps it all going and you are the one who should be very, very proud.

If you have the slightest option of an extra day at nursery it might really help you, mentally and physically to take it.

[quote JadedStrumpet]@OnlyFoolsnMothers My parents are generally supportive but I was pretty at DMs comment. We had stayed at there's all weekend because they are both ill atm and DS was very feverish. I just couldn't cope on my own. Then they had them Tuesday cos they were too ill for nursery and I had to work. She made it clear that she wasn't thrilled being asked to have them again. I already feel guilty about how much help I ask for so I lessend the blow by saying I'd get bus etc. I do stuff like that quite a lot to try and lessen the impact on them both. Then feel sad that I have to do that. If one of my DC were in my position I would bend over backwards to make their life easier.[/quote]
People can be too demanding on grandparents but this isn’t a standard situation, if one of my daughters was fucked over by her husband I would also bend over backwards to make her life easier. Sorry but they don’t sound that helpful

Blimey @JadedStrumpet you do have a lot on your plate. Any time I hear someone saying they fantasise about a week in hospital I think - give this person a proper break!

I hope you gets lots of useful advice on here. I was raised by a single mum and I have a lot of respect for you. I am not single, but we have struggled a lot in the past and I always think, how would I do this alone? For example this year I had an illness that meant I was bed bound for 12 weeks. My husband got to experience being a single dad effectively and it changed him. I feel a break for yourself isn't a luxury, it's a basic necessity and I wish you had more support than you do.

My children are 4 & 6 now and my youngest started sleeping through the night for the first time. They also wake up in the morning and play together for an hour or so before waking us up. They will watch a film together happily and have invented lots of games that keep them entertained for hours. I don't dread weekends at home anymore as they think of so much to keep themselves occupied together. Yours are just on the precipice of being able to do this, it really wont be much longer...

It's easy enough to say appreciate every moment, but I do appreciate more moments more now that they are less intense. I don't regret being frustrated in the past, three and under is a very difficult age IMO.

You're doing a great job, under a lot of pressure and have a lot to be proud of. I hope you find time for yourself and things ease off a little. Good luck. X

Also, don't read too much into posts you see where people say they love it.
On my good days I am one of them, loving my little world where I'm in charge. On my bad days I would give anything for just one hour when everyone left me the feck alone.

Just a thought , have you got a local church ? Ours is full of lovely older people who love having the children around. They have a kids after school session where they do an activity (obvs all has a religious theme , but involves colouring or crafting) , then they tidy it up and feed the children a party tea, and the whole time they are making cups of teas for the Mums. It’s amazing - such a lifeline knowing one evening is taken care off. Xx

@Blackopal sorry you've been left in a similar situation. I will take your word for it that they improve (eventually )

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I must admit I do feel quite self pitying sometimes. They are both retired as well with basically no hobbies or interests. They have SO much free time. They look after them but they hardly ever take them out etc. It breaks my heart that my DC have no grandparents taking them places and no dad either. I feel like crying when I think about it. I've tried telling DM how I feel but they still never take them anywhere when they have them.

@FartleBarfle thank you Love the username as well.

@DaftVader42 There's a church just up the road. They do tots classes etc. but it's been closed due to covid. I need to look into what's on now. You've just reminded me :)

God OP your situation sounds very tough and all credit to you, it will get easier as they get older and I'm glad you are getting the right help regarding the menopause. My mum has been equally shit (diff situation entirely but I empathise) and as awful as this sounds I get they feel they have probably done their time but if and when they start needing additional help I'm not sure I'd be able to forget how unsupportive they have been right now.

I've just come over to give you a big hog and to tell you that 3 year old twins is fecking hard work (been there, done that!) and to do it as a single parent must be relentless. Well done you for getting through each day! Can I also say that in about 6-9 months they'll start playing together more and making up their own little games and you'll be able to have cups of tea and biscuits in peace whilst you read a magazine!

I’m sorry, OP.

That sounds utterly shit.

and remember that you can't change how other people respond.

Your parents could obviously do more, but don't focus on what they don't do, focus on that they will be there in an emergency

Single mum here too. 3.5 year old. I'm knackered and in crisis so social services are involved

@Wizzbangfizz You don't sound awful. I don't blame you at all

All I can say is I've been you, three is totally relentless and there was a lot of time when my bones felt like they were out of glue. I was so tired.

7 years later and I enjoy my life, but three when you've not got a partner and no break feels insane. I did rely on my family a bit, but I am not sure they understood how hard it was to manage it all. People can be ignorant and unhelpful, but some really get it. You might try Frolo app which is a good way to connect to other single parents and get support that way.

This sounds really tough. You are amazing.

It's funny that when dads can't cope with parenting/adulting, they usually just fuck off and leave the kids for the mum to deal with and that's acceptable. Whereas if the mum did the same, the children would be very likely to end up in care and she would be condemned as an awful person.

Mothers are meant to be elastic. Everyone else's problems get dumped on them and they're expected to bend and bend until they can't even recognise themselves anymore. I don't face half the challenges you do but I still feel like this and it annoys me every day.

3 years old - really hard stage for anyone

• TWINS - literally twice as difficult
• On. Your. Own. - expert level
• Holding down a job - nailing it
• Further study - YOU ARE SUPERHUMAN

As a SAHM of a 2yo and 4yo with very supportive DH, I have absolutely nothing but admiration for you and you make me feel extremely inadequate and a little bit pathetic

I have nothing to add that others havent said but I wanted to suggest finding a local nanny / babysitter or similar and just use them. Even if it’s just half a day / 4 hours a week or every other week etc - whatever you can afford.
I know someone who is a single mum to baby twins and works freelance from home, she uses a local nanny for half a day a week to do lots of work stuff in one go.
I appreciate this is probably limited by your financial situation but even if you could give yourself one evening or afternoon a week.
I am planning on doing this once mine are a bit older so I can actually get out on an evening.
There is a website (sitters.co.uk) - all vetted, referenced etc.

I appreciate this is only one time piece of the overall endless shit that is parenting but if you can throw a little bit of money at getting some free time along with the nursery after the summer it will feel so much better

The early years are tough. It honestly does get easier.

I hate to be the voice of doom but I can't agree.

I've been a single parent with very little input from their father for 7 years now. Kids were 2, 4 & 6 at the time. No other family support & I found it immensely hard, in part because I live in an area still where separation is usual, and frankly people haven't a clue. I include my own siblings in that.

My marriage was very abusive; I'm finally dealing with that through counselling now.

I don't find it easier. My kids are great. Of course I love them. But they are also impossible & I find it so hard. When they were smaller, they could be put to bed at 730 & I got a break.

Now they do a billion activities, especially sport & I'm beyond exhausted. I'm hiding in the bathroom typing this, before shunting younger 2 to bed.

Funnily enough OP, I'm seeing my GP tomorrow re my tiredness & other issues which I think are perimenopausal.

Back to you OP, you have it really hard with twins though, as that's literally twice the work for you at each stage.

I would like to say something comforting. But to me, I see it as endurance. I do have happy times with them of course. I also work full time & am a generally busy, sporty person myself. But I'm not convinced it will get easier.

I've wanted to start a thread with the same title for months now! I scream it in the car at least once a fortnight with music playing when I have to rush home because work has gone over by X amount of time and I don't want to piss off my DM helping me with childcare.

I have 3 under 7, and the the older 2 are easier now they can entertain each other but the boddler is hard work. I'm exhausted and near to a breakdown at least once a month.

Try and make the most of your days off with them. We've started going for a short walk a few days a week and they seem to love and look forward to that routine. The fresh air and activity helps me feel like I'm not spending all my time working (job) and doing university work. I'm studying for a masters for a promotion. It never would have happened had I still be married so I'm proud of myself. You should proud of yourself too. Being a student as a single mother to little ones is extremely tough.

Good luck with your driving test!

It is so hard. I too am a single unsupported parent. DS is an adult now but I vividly remember how hard it was emotionally and financially.

I wasnt bitter then but I grew into it and I'm very resentful now. Had his father paid even a small amount I would be in a much better place financially. I struggled for years and it is shit. And no one ever got it ...

And no one ever got it ..

I'm sorry user. 😞

And I agree. I'm used to it now. But I was staggered by the lack of understanding during lockdown. One person went on and on about how hard it was with one child (a toddler) working from home, even tho her partner also was, and she had back up from PIL. I did get it, wfh with a toddler is no picnic.

But I was home-schooling 3 with zero help. I was teaching online & had a lot of high-level meetings (University leadership role), and my stomach was permanently clenched for the inevitable row / mayhem that would erupt at some point.
No one ever said 'that must be hard'.

I really think people don't get it & don't give a shit either.

EarringsandLipstick

Same for me; it’s never got easier for me; people always say it does but I can’t say it has, I always put it down to my oldest 2 having autism so they’ve got much harder as they’ve got older and on top of it being a lone parent as well, for me it’s not got easier.

Oh Happycat that's so tough 😢😢

I guess it just shows, I'm here feeling sorry for myself, but I don't have any children with additional needs. That really is hard. I can see why it wouldn't get easier.

The other thing people say, in a well-meaning way, is 'they'll thank you for everything when they're older. They'll appreciate what you did'.

I hate this. I hear it all the time. 😖

Firstly, I don't want them to have to thank me / appreciate me, in any special way. Just be normal kids who take their parents for granted.

But also, I don't think they will. I think they often exploit the fact there's one of me & I can't be everywhere. I also get a lot of flack for being the discplinarian, the one who says no, for not being able to stuff other parents do.