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Original poster

To say that being a single mum is absolutely shite...

129 replies

JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:38

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope withHmm Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopauseSad They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shitSad

OP posts:
lalamo · 19/05/2021 20:05

You poor thing OP. Can they go to nursery full time, do you get 30 hours free? You MUST get a break. You'll be no use to your twins if you collapse.

ColdWaterTherapy · 19/05/2021 20:05

I will say though - three is HARD. If you can hang in there till four, four and a half, they’re more self-contained. I really found a difference that I didn’t expect. It stopped me from killing myself, which I had been planning. So there is a bit of improvement.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 20:05

@Shimmyshimmycocobop They will be entitled to 30 hours nursery in September as long as I'm working 16 hours or more a week. My job atm is agency and hours aren't consistent. I'm looking for something else atm.

@HavelockVetinari There's a twins club but it's two bus rides from me and starts at 9.30am!! I've got my driving test next month. Please God I pass.

Feeling even shittier than normal cos I asked my parents to watch them this morning so I could get my hair cut. My parents have a car each but let me get the bus to theirs with twins and then make my own way to hairdressers on bus. Neither of them were busy. I told my hairdresser I'd gotten bus and she was appalled they hadn't offered me a lift. I'd not even thought about it until then, but it made me feel even more self pitying. My DM had also made a comment about needing some free time soon as if they've constantly got my DC!

Flowers To everyone else struggling. It's so hard.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2021 20:07

Oh and people tell me it gets easier too. Whereas in reality it's harder than ever.

Honestly, it does get easier! It's just that 3 is a very demanding age, and twins.…even if you weren't a single parent you would be feeling wrecked.

But they will be in school soon enough, and schools have breakfast and teatime clubs. And you are studying, and will presumably then be pursuing a new career, out in the world, meeting new people... It will still be exhausting sometimes, but it will get better.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 20:08

@JesusInTheCabbageVan Yes, enjoy every moment of the sleep deprivation and exhaustion.

I mean don't get me wrong, my DC are the best thing in my life, but comments like that should have you shot. My MIL is also expert at tip toeing around the fact I'm in this position because her son fucked off and left us!Angry

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 19/05/2021 20:10

Age three is hard full stop.

Twins is hard full stop.

Solo parenting is hard.

Good luck with the driving test.

And with job hunting.

Also drop an email to the twins group as sometimes they do visits or help even if you can't get to the group

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 19/05/2021 20:13

@JadedStrumpet where I work (MH team) I have several women on my caseload whose HV's arranged nursery placements for them when they are struggling particularly single mums. And it was often arranged before they were ever referred to us.
It couldn't hurt to ask?

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 20:16

@Shimmyshimmycocobop I'll ask my HV team. I was going to ring them tomorrow. We get the 16 hours for 2 year olds due to my low income. I just assumed that was all that was available.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 19/05/2021 20:16

3 - that's a mountain. Times two, that's a double mountain. On your own. You are in hero territory. Just look at you though. Driving test coming up, looking for a job, coping, getting through each day, on HRT. I feel you are going to reach that summit and the view!!! It will take your breath away. Just hang in there. Flowers

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/05/2021 20:16

I’m so sorry OP, that’s so bloody hard:

Twins are hard (I imagine, the thought terrifies me)
Ya ex is a cunt
Ya parents are unsupportive
3yr olds are terrors
Studying is exhausting

Sending you lots of love and it will get easier as they get older!!

stillreallytired · 19/05/2021 20:18

I have the utmost respect to mums of twins. And doing it all alone - you are a legend. Flowers

Lollypop701 · 19/05/2021 20:20

Tell Mil you’d enjoy every moment if you got time off to see what you are missing… then ask her where her son is and/or when is she coming to get them. Have you told your dm how shit the bus with 3yo twins? Asked a lift? Or is it help under duress and you don’t to rock the boat? It does get easier but if I’m honest not till they start school… shimmy has a good idea, so make sure you get any help going

Shinyandnew5708 · 19/05/2021 20:20

I was also an immigrant LP to two kids and working FT in a demanding job. I had no support network at all.

The biggest impact it all had on me was that I never had time to cultivate any friendships, looking back on it.

My kids are not quite teenagers now and it is already getting easier, although I still don’t have a lot of time to myself.

I really think that all you can do is put every ounce of energy and finance into your kids, try to enjoy them as much as possible and keep telling yourself it won’t be like this forever.

blubberball · 19/05/2021 20:20

It is shit. I hope you can get some real help, support and a break.

Keepitonthedownlow · 19/05/2021 20:22

If you get a part time job you'll be eligible for up to 85% towards child care fees. Hopefully if you can put the DC in full days at nursery to give you a break. Also, will your college course cover child care?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 19/05/2021 20:23

DS1 was a very difficult toddler and at that time I was still with my ex and I was still exhausted.

I met a colleague in town with adult children who told me to treasure every minute as it goes by so fast, if I'd had a gun I may well have shot her.

Now my youngest is almost off to Uni I do wonder where the years went but I have never forgotten how bloody hard it all was.

Moirarose2021 · 19/05/2021 20:24

You are allowed to think it's shite, so don't have any guilt. I used to be relieved when it was 1.45 as I was half way through the day! Work saved me, so good on you for studying, I did a post grad in the evening to get a better paid job. It does get better, my life has no resemblance now to what it was but it does take time. Be kind to yourself.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/05/2021 20:25

That's a point actually - next time your MIL tells you to enjoy every moment, ask her why her son didn't feel the same way (then rip her face off and throw it into the road as a pp suggested).

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/05/2021 20:28

Ime the only thing that gets easier is they go to school! Although there's not been much of that this last year.

Mine are 10 and 8 now and their dad fucked off to live in Ireland years ago so hasn't had them for a year now , didn't come back much before that and doesn't pay maintenance.

I'm lucky because my 18 year old is still at home and is happy to have them occasionally if I want to go out but it still seems constant and draining.

Liverbird77 · 19/05/2021 20:34

You're a fucking hero. Seriously.

I have a 2.5 year old and a ten month old and I don't know how I'd manage without my dh.

I recognise how hard it is for you right now. All I can say is that it will eventually ease off and those children will worship you. Sorry that it doesn't help right now and I wish I could hug you and get you a big wine xxxx

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/05/2021 20:34

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

That's a point actually - next time your MIL tells you to enjoy every moment, ask her why her son didn't feel the same way (then rip her face off and throw it into the road as a pp suggested).
This 1000%- perhaps ask her what she did to raise such a waste of space so you can learn from her obvious mistakes
Loveabathtub · 19/05/2021 20:34

My heart goes out to you. I've been there as a single mum of twins with an entirely absent father. Three is the hardest age full stop but I promise you that four is the golden age, it's uphill from there on in. You need to check the amount of free childcare hours you are entitled to, I worked and was definitely entitled to more than you are getting right now. Ask your childcare provider for help, I would never have known if the nursery hadn't had told me. Sending you lots of love. Keep going, you are doing a wonderful job.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 20:40

@OnlyFoolsnMothers My parents are generally supportive but I was pretty Confused at DMs comment. We had stayed at there's all weekend because they are both ill atm and DS was very feverish. I just couldn't cope on my own. Then they had them Tuesday cos they were too ill for nursery and I had to work. She made it clear that she wasn't thrilled being asked to have them again. I already feel guilty about how much help I ask for so I lessend the blow by saying I'd get bus etc. I do stuff like that quite a lot to try and lessen the impact on them both. Then feel sad that I have to do that. If one of my DC were in my position I would bend over backwards to make their life easier.

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 19/05/2021 20:40

Yep I'm a single mum of three. I got traded in for a younger sluttier model and it's fucking hard work

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 20:42

@Lollypop701 I feel like saying that to her all the time. Last time she visited they took the twins out for one whole afternoon. Then announced they were travelling off for a weeks cottage break in ScotlandHmm God forbid they might have booked a cottage round here and spent a week with their grandchildren.

OP posts:
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