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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that being a single mum is absolutely shite...

129 replies

JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:38

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope withHmm Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopauseSad They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shitSad

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1990 · 19/05/2021 21:47

@JadedStrumpet

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope withHmm Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopauseSad They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shitSad

I'm not a single mum but I have 15month old twins and my partner works a lot so it feels like I'm on my own a lot. I know it's totally not the same but you've got this, it won't be this way forever and you don't have to wake up every morning thinking 'ugh' about him there
MariaMackee · 19/05/2021 21:48

🌺

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/05/2021 21:49

Then I get a load of bollocks off my MIL about enjoying every moment

Maybe you would have been able to if if wasn't for her dipshit son!!

It's going to drain the life out of you while they're that age but I swear to you it gets better (and that's coming from a single mum to DC with additional needs).

You're in survival mode at the moment but that won't be forever.

Sending love to you 🌺🗽🌈

pollylocketpickedapocket · 19/05/2021 21:50

You do sound like you’re struggling but no, being a single parent isn’t shit, not for me anyway.
I’m sick of the assumption that it is and that we need to be pitied.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 19/05/2021 21:52

@Blackopal

Also, don't read too much into posts you see where people say they love it. On my good days I am one of them, loving my little world where I'm in charge. On my bad days I would give anything for just one hour when everyone left me the feck alone.
Fair comment but everyone feels like that, relationship or no relationship, kids or no kids. Not the same thing
DoLallyTapMum · 19/05/2021 21:56

I think, personally, that calling myself a ‘lone parent’ rather than ‘single parent’ really helped as it epitomises the real issue. Single parents have some relief/support from their ex but lone parents do not and I can only imagine how hard it must be with twins, on your own and in this COVID year too.

I am a lone parent (have been since the first trimester) and I have had lots of help from my family, but still he’s only been babysat on 3 occasions (job interview, doctors appointment and one dinner date) by my parents. For me, my sanity and happiness comes from my evenings which I spend relaxing and I also keep my son in childcare for an extra couple of hours a week now so I have some time after work to potter around the charity shops or come home and have a nap. Crucially, I think the thing that makes my life easiest is that I am financially stable and can afford a few treats (nothing majorly expensive - hence charity shops) and extra childcare hours, which are a luxury more than a necessity. I don’t know your financial situation or whether extra childcare hours (the 30 free hours must be due soon if your children are nearly 3) will help you at all.

Honestly, though, you are doing so much that I can see why you are drowning and you ought not feel bad about saying things are shite or for struggling.

Happycat1212 · 19/05/2021 21:58

I agree with the different between lone parent and single parent, I don’t find I relate to single parents, it’s very different parenting alone, very different.

MinnieJackson · 19/05/2021 22:00

Just wanted to say i think your're amazing OP. I don't see someone that's failing when I read your post, I see someone that's a really good mum! What's your college course? I'm not a single parent and I have an 8, 7 and 3 year old and I care for my mum, so not a job really although it's draining! I really couldn't imagine having to do it all alone.
In our county you automatically get 30 hours free for 3 year olds at certain places. I honestly just want to give you a hug and a few hours off Flowers

longcoffeebreak · 19/05/2021 22:04

Yep I'm a line parent have been since mine were 9 months and 2 and they are now 14 and 16. Youngest one has ASD. It's been exhausting.

longcoffeebreak · 19/05/2021 22:05

Lone - it's even affected my spelling 😂

Maray1967 · 19/05/2021 22:06

OP, you’re doing well to be keeping going.
Re the MIL comments - if she keeps saying them you need to say something. You don’t need to be rude, much as you might like to be, but you could say something like ‘look, I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m not going to talk about DH as I know it’s a hard situation for you - but I need you not say things like treasure every moment, because I can’t cope with that right now. ‘ If she understands and stops, all good. If she gets defensive or has a go back, I’d give her both barrels.
It is a shame that your own parents are not doing much. Could you plan a trip say every other weekend just for the three of you? Have you got child friendly museums, galleries, libraries running kids activities? There might be stuff coming up for school half term.
Good luck with the test 💐

Nsky · 19/05/2021 22:08

I do feel for you, and I think you are doing very well.
It wouldn’t hurt your MIL to offer some help, practical wise, whatever her son does or how ill he is.
They are her grandchildren too, start maybe with her buying a few things?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 19/05/2021 22:10

You poor thing OP, that sounds so tough Thanks parents who abandon their families and cause all these health issues should have more severe consequences than they do.

I'm a single mum but exH has them EOW and if I didn't get this break I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown by now

Ju11tne · 19/05/2021 22:11

I think it’s hard for you as you have twins too.

Tbh I have zero childcare too OP and right now I’m feeling the strain of motherhood. Hang in there.

Can your parents babysit for you one evening and you can meet a friend perhaps for a couple of hours? Look after yourself.

womaninatightspot · 19/05/2021 22:13

My twins are 6 now and so much easier. When they were three they were super clingy and even taking them to the park or soft play I had to follow them everywhere. If I spoke to another grown up they'd demand my attention and I was very sleep deprived.

By the time they were four though they were so much more independent and would play together for hours quietly in their bedroom. It was so nice just to listen to the gentle rhythm of their conversation like a happy hum. I think it still took till they were five for me to come back to myself.

Sleep deprivation doesn't disappear overnight. All those hours of missed sleep are banked and you need time to recover. Be gentle with yourself.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/05/2021 22:19

I’m sick of the assumption that it is and that we need to be pitied.

I know we're all different. I don't want pity. But I would like the recognition from those around me that is often most of the time really hard.

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 22:22

@MinnieJackson You only get 30 hours if you're working 16 hours or more a week. My agency work doesn't consistently give me enough hours so I'm looking for something else atm.

I'm doing maths at college. I want to go back to uni to do a masters but I don't have my maths.

Lone parent probably is more fitting. Single parent implies your ex isn't utterly uselessAngry

OP posts:
ExpectingToFly · 19/05/2021 22:24

My 3 year old twins are nailing me everyday 😭 it is so so very hard and I just wanted to say I hear you and sympathise. Have you looked on childcare.co.uk I have recently found a babysitter through there. There seems to be lots of people who want experience and you could arrange to meet up with them see what they're like and then maybe get some help in the daytimes? 3 hrs or something. I know easier said than done. Lots of love. 💘

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 22:24

Exactly @EarringsandLipstick Acknowledgement rather than 'I don't know how you do it' The answer to that being because it's illegal to put your DC in the binGrin

OP posts:
LexMitior · 19/05/2021 22:27

@EarringsandLipstick

I’m sick of the assumption that it is and that we need to be pitied.

I know we're all different. I don't want pity. But I would like the recognition from those around me that is often most of the time really hard.

I don't think I have ever got this recognition! The reason is simple, if they acknowledge, then they feel obligated to you in a way. Their lives are hard, but they don't want to think yours is harder, even though it is.

People occasionally say "how do you do it?" I smile and think "badly, often late, by myself".

EarringsandLipstick · 19/05/2021 22:29

The answer to that being because it's illegal to put your DC in the bin

😂😂😂

And you're still able to crack a joke!🙌

You are doing a really tough job, parenting 2 small kids, working & studying, with no pressure valve of an equal partner to help. It's hard but you're doing it, and doing it well. 💐

Original poster
JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 22:30

@Ju11tne My parents do help out but it tends to be practical things like taking them after nursery, when I have college etc. So by the time I want to ask for just free time I feel like I've used all my allocated hours.

Even if I do get an evening/night off I don't rely feel any better for it. I think once you reach a certain level of tiredness then brief periods just aren't enough. Hence me fantasising about that week in hospitalGrin

I have used baby sitters before. Definitely need to consider it again.

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 19/05/2021 22:30

Gosh you poor thing

Fellow single mother here
I fled abuse with a very small baby and so happy to be single

It is hard yes

But

You have achieved so much
Can you please congratulate yourself a bit more ??

What else would help to make life easier?
How much pampering/down time do you get per week?

Sending you best wishes xxxx

EarringsandLipstick · 19/05/2021 22:31

People occasionally say "how do you do it?" I smile and think "badly, often late, by myself".

Great post Lex.

Abs you're right of course.

And on a good day, I think 'why should they have to acknowledge it?' And I don't think they should. I think on a bad day TVs tone-deaf approach of some is harder

Your pithy summary is brilliant! I'll remember this😂

Queenie6655 · 19/05/2021 22:32

Also my god there is the loveliest and hardest flipping age

Some of my dd's tantrums
I can't describe it 😳😳😳

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