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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that being a single mum is absolutely shite...

129 replies

JadedStrumpet · 19/05/2021 19:38

I KNOW it's better to go it alone than be stuck in a bad relationship. However...

I'm a single mum to nearly three year old twins and I have just about had it with how relentlessly hard and shit my life is. My husband left when they were 15 months old. Mental health issues and fatherhood just being too hard for him to cope withHmm Doesn't see them and isn't even paying maintenance at the moment as he's off sick from his job.

I am constantly utterly exhausted. I can't even remember what it feels like to not be tired. I have one health issue after another. Shingles,
a bad eye infection and now a cough I can't shake off all within the last few months. I'm also going through premature menopauseSad They go to nursery two days a week and I normally work on those days. I have been doing a night course at college one day a week, but have just had to put it on hold as I just cannot keep up with the work at present.

My parents help out, but tbh it doesn't really help me have much semblance of a life beyond being able to get to hairdressing appointments, attend my college course etc. My ex DH parents live at the other end of the country.

I'm starting to resent all my friends. I'm jealous of the child free ones interesting careers & spare time and I'm jealous of the ones with DC as they all have partners to help. It's making me bitter and introverted which.I never used to be.

I have no time for a relationship and can't imagine ever trusting a man ever again anyway.

I love my DC more than life but feel like I am nothing more than a slave to them. I have no life of my own. I look at my life and genuinely wonder how the fuck I ended up like this. I feel like a shell of a human being. My poor amazing DC deserve so much more.

It's just fucking shitSad

OP posts:
MinnieJackson · 19/05/2021 22:32

I'm really sorry if my post sounded like i feel sorry for you btw, it honestly wasn't my intention!

Lollyneenah · 19/05/2021 22:35

God OP you're fucking amazing.
Listen, please don't feel like you've used up all your 'allocated hours' I'm not your mum but if I was I would want to help you have some time to yourself, even if it was just to eat tea in peace and have a nice bath.
And thank fuck soft play is opening soon!! You've parented twins through a pandemic with no support, you're incredible Flowers

Mintjulia · 19/05/2021 22:38

It really does get easier, I promise. Caring for toddler twins is a lot to ask of anyone. I'm on my own with DS. No parents or in laws and ex has ds maybe 20 nights a year if he can be bothered.
It got easier when ds started school at 4 and much better when he was about 9, Things gradually get more flexible. Now ds is good company at 12, quite independent, calm and funny.

You're doing fine x

BrilliantBetty · 19/05/2021 22:52

Sounds like you are doing well.
It is hard. 3 is a v hard age.
Honestly it gets easier once they are in school 5 days a week.

Their grandparents should take them for a long weekend. Their son has deserted you and the kids (must be humiliating for them, or it should be). If they want contact, they should be helping. And actually helping not just swanning in, sitting down for a cuppa and buggering off. No shame in requesting their help. If they refuse, they refuse.. but they might step up.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 19/05/2021 22:53

Just another voice here to say you are doing amazingly.

Have you a close friend who would watch your dc for a bit whilst you have a soak in the bath or had a nap. If I knew you, I'd offer.

Homemadearmy · 19/05/2021 22:59

Lone parent now for 13 years. It does get easier. As a pp poster said clubs that you can drop the DC at and just get a coffee are a life saver.
Yes at times it's still hard and lonely and o know my best isn't good enough. But I try and I hope it's enough.

I actually did have a couple of weeks in hospital 9 years ago. It was actually like a holiday despite being really ill. I got to sleep and read loads.
I passed my driving test 11 years ago and it really opened up my world. I don't love driving but it makes everything so much easier.
3 is one of the hardest ages op. Next year it will be easier

Blossomtoes · 19/05/2021 23:00

I’m a survivor. Trust me, it gets better, you’re at the shittiest point now - or at least until they’re teenagers! It’s totally worth it.

I can’t imagine how hard it is on your own with twins, nor can I tell you how much I admire and respect you. You’re a hell of a woman.

Topsyair · 19/05/2021 23:00

Where abouts in UK are you OP?

whatsthestory123 · 20/05/2021 00:06

op i get you i was a lone parent to 6yr old twins and a new born
no maintanace or contact and it was bloody hard but out the otherside now

if you live in Dorset i would be very happy to give you a break guilt free x

MilkyWayMay · 20/05/2021 00:31

The leisure centre near us offers a creche for a couple of hours a week if you're on a low income. Could you see if there's anything like that near you?

Sjan82 · 20/05/2021 05:38

They are only 3. It gets better ❤️
When do they go bed? My son sleeps at 8pm and I get some “me time” after that. Also, weather is getting better. You could take them to the beach and relax while they do their own thing in the sand. When my kids were 3, they could play for hours on the patio with a bucket of water and a few toys.
It does get better. As of now, the key is to relax when they are sleeping or being kept engaged. HUGS 🤗

Cissyandflora · 20/05/2021 05:55

It will get better. You’re doing an amazing job. I’ve always been a single mum so I know no different but I do now recognise what a huge job I’ve done alone. It’s mammoth. But huge rewards will come to you. Sorry it’s difficult now though. Can you get more childcare support? Just for the practical help now? Any kind neighbours? Extended family?

RosaBaby2 · 20/05/2021 06:03

It is shit its so so shit.

You can do this, I can't imagine how hard it must be with twins too.

Battle on, you're a great mum Flowers

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 20/05/2021 06:04
Flowers

Yes it's totally and utterly shit at times. A lot of the time.

But it does get better. It really does. My 2 are 16 and 14 now, and their Dad left 11 years ago. Although I haven't been single that entire time. But, as hard as it was at times, it was also amazing. And my DC are amazing. And that's down to me. And it dies get easier. I promise you it does. Sometimes I go to bed before them now. Sometimes they get up before me. Once when they were still really small, 6 and 4 ish. I was so ill with flu. I curled up on the lounge floor and couldn't get warm. They bought me all the blankets. And drinks. And snacks. They tried everything they could think of to make me feel better. Eventually they phoned my mum and told her I was ill.
And they know now. They know who's sacrificed things for them. I haven't needed to tell them. They know.

Single/lone parents are amazing. Society doesn't appreciate them enough.

And if you live anywhere near me then I'm happy to come over and help you out. Smile

Blackopal · 20/05/2021 08:02

polly I am confused by your comment on my comment!
Not the same things as what?

FakeColinCaterpillar · 20/05/2021 08:32

I came on to comment about free nursery hours but I see you have that in hand. Please do ring your HV and tell them how worn out you are, there maybe help available (local to me there is a charity that offers babysitting and generally help around the house).

I have a friend who has 15 year old twins. She split up with the dad when they weren’t much older than your two as he was totally useless. I do remember her saying they were very difficult and then they became very easy as they always had a playmate.

And call yourself a lone parent. I think it’s a massive distinction to those who has shared custody.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 20/05/2021 08:35

And I remembered my local children’s centre used to fund childcare for people doing maths/English courses. If you even have one anymore

Blackberrycream · 20/05/2021 09:04

Mine were older than yours when I became a lone parent. It was still an absolute shocker to find how hard it was to be responsible for every last thing. I remember crying on Sunday night as a new work and school week was about to start and I would still be folding laundry and would have a bag of work stuff that I hadn’t had time to do as well. There literally wasn’t the time for everything.
It’s hard and important just to acknowledge that. Yours are younger so that adds extra stress. Most people won’t get it.
Things have got better. Over the last few years I have figured out how to organise things on a military level. It helps. I got a cleaner for a couple of hours a week when I was full time. Now I’m part time.
It’s really hard to get out at all when they’re the age of yours so I would have a few friends here for wine sometimes, or a pot luck Sunday afternoon ( I never asked but they would just offer to bring a dish).
A bedroom sanctuary helps too. Again, friends helped. I painted it pink, because I can as it’s just me! Nice bedding, always a few good books and a tv with my favourite comedies etc on record. It means when you fall into bed exhausted, you can enjoy a nice bit of time focussed on yourself.
Honestly, it does get easier as they get older but in the meantime just know you’re doing a really hard job ( effectively double the at home responsibilities of a person in a couple)and doing the best you can. Some people do get it but others just won’t.

KarmaStar · 20/05/2021 09:20

It is very very hard op,relentless.
It won't be long before they are at nursery then school and you will have time for yourself.
As pp have said,one step at a time.🌈

EverythingRuined · 20/05/2021 09:28

Three year old twins sound like a lot of hard work! I hope thing improve quickly for you.
I had my four kids very close together and despite having a husband and help
I was amazed at how tiring it was.

My kids are now in their 20's and I still
Remember that deep exhaustion I had when they were little. It must be very hard to do it on your own.

You parents and MIL are getting a bit of a skating on this thread and I'm not sure that's entirely fair. Mumsnet loves to blame MILs for how awful their sons have turned out but I'm not sure that's always the case. (It's strange that FIL don't get the same stick)
I'm also sympathetic to your parents. I'm in my 50's and I'm fit but I wouldn't want to look after three year old twins for too long. I'd obviously do what I needed to to help out but I wouldn't relish it.

Blackopal · 20/05/2021 10:34

From a practical point of view I started to cope with everything better when I made my number one rule 'Thou shall not feel sorry for self'.

Please don't misunderstand, I love a good moan and I am very sympathetic to myself.

I just try not to waste emotional energy. I am very tired from being the person who is responsible for everything, I don't have time to rail against things I can't change.

I don't have help and none of my people are in my situation or understand. I used to be furious at my ex who has basically swanned off to a lovely indulgent and free life (obviously I still think he's a tosser). Grandparents can't/don't want to help etc.

For the first year I felt very sorry for myself and it made me resentful and bitter and unwell really.

To be able to form a plan of coping I gave myself the hard truths - no one else would/could help me, I was on my own and I was totally responsible for these children.

Once I stopped wishing that would change I started working out what I would do in the set of parameters I had been landed with.

When I say I am sympathetic to myself I mean, I try and stay aware of what I can make easier for myself.

For example my kids are at school (two different schools). I found the end of day double school run was a bridge too far after work, I really hated it.

However, both schools use same after club. So now I collect them from one place half an hour later. Just small tweaks have really helped me feel more in control and less put upon.

Again twins at three years old sounds very very exhausting, I really hope things improve for you.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2021 11:00

@Blackopal

From a practical point of view I started to cope with everything better when I made my number one rule 'Thou shall not feel sorry for self'.

Please don't misunderstand, I love a good moan and I am very sympathetic to myself.

I just try not to waste emotional energy. I am very tired from being the person who is responsible for everything, I don't have time to rail against things I can't change.

I don't have help and none of my people are in my situation or understand. I used to be furious at my ex who has basically swanned off to a lovely indulgent and free life (obviously I still think he's a tosser). Grandparents can't/don't want to help etc.

For the first year I felt very sorry for myself and it made me resentful and bitter and unwell really.

To be able to form a plan of coping I gave myself the hard truths - no one else would/could help me, I was on my own and I was totally responsible for these children.

Once I stopped wishing that would change I started working out what I would do in the set of parameters I had been landed with.

When I say I am sympathetic to myself I mean, I try and stay aware of what I can make easier for myself.

For example my kids are at school (two different schools). I found the end of day double school run was a bridge too far after work, I really hated it.

However, both schools use same after club. So now I collect them from one place half an hour later. Just small tweaks have really helped me feel more in control and less put upon.

Again twins at three years old sounds very very exhausting, I really hope things improve for you.

That's a really good post.

Food for thought for me

Thanks for posting.

Blackopal · 20/05/2021 11:26

EarringsandLipstick. Thank you, really appreciated Smile

isthismylifenow · 20/05/2021 11:58

Excellent post Blackopal,

Those single/lone parents who say it is a breeze - I don't really believe that for a minute. I look at those posts the same way I look at loved up couples photos on Facebook. It is what people want others to believe.

OP, I don't have twins and my dc are older now, but I very clearly remember the younger days. I didn't study then either so I know you have a loaded plate. I do recall some days I just did not think I would get through.

After having a breakdown and being admitted, i did have a total change up, and similar to Blackopal I changed my thought process. It was along the lines of, right this is how it is, and now we need to somehow muddle through. I don't have any family nearby so I was completely alone and if I had folks closer I am sure they would have thought I was completely bonkers. I was struggling so badly to get my dc to and from (different) schools at the time, and one had this going on after and the other was doing something else. So I left my job and started my own business. Purely so that I had the freedom to work the hours I could and work around the dc. Dramatic yes, but I needed a big shake up as it wasn't working living how we were.

And even from young, I always spoke to the dc as our team. I know that sounds cringey really, but it was just the 3 of us having to muddle in and make this work, so i had to have their input. Little things like tidying away their toys when they were done, making their beds every morning, (they can pull up a duvet from a young age)... small things like this, as I did not have the time nor the energy to be getting upset about lego laying around.

I know you are a way off from this stage as your twins are young, but start as you mean to go on. Bedtime means bedtime. Be firm. You need that time at night for you. I very clearly remember 8pm and the house being quiet and me getting into bed and just sinking in to it, and thinking yay, you made it though today ok.....

The old cliche, it won't be like this forever. But it is fucking tough getting there, but the one huge benefit that you will gain, is an extra strong bond with your children. I cannot explain this to people, but there is a special relationship between a parent who has brought up their children alone. Been through every single milestone, up and down with them. It is okay to get frustrated and angry some days, its normal. But OP, you will reap the rewards.

Blackberrycream · 20/05/2021 12:06

@Blackopal
I think that’s really good advice.
I did similar. It’s accepting that your life is quite different from others around you. You can’t easily have a night out. Relationships are also pretty much off the table for that and other reasons.
To the OP, you are doing so much that will make your life easier in the future. You are also putting your children first which not everyone does in similar situations. The menopause is also not helping ( I know it’s fine for some but mine made me emotional and anxious and it sounds like it may be affecting you in a similar way ).
Mine are teens now. They’re great company. It got easier by the year.
It sounds like you’re doing everything that will make yours and your children’s future bright.