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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that MIL is being totally unreasonable?

60 replies

stinkymalinki · 16/11/2007 20:50

MIL phoned this evening, to inform us that she will be coming down to stay at the end of the month for 4 days, and that she isn't happy that they have had to book into a hotel (basically intimating that we should give up our bed for them, despite the fact that i have a back problem, or turf DS out of his room), and that if it weren't for her, DH wouldn't have been able to buy the house etc (incidentally, this was all long before i came along!) etc etc...you get the general idea.

Well, aside from all the ranting (sadly quite normal for her), the main point in this is that we were completely unaware
that she was planning this visit - we were not asked if it was ok, if the dates were acceptable or anything. As it is, DH is in the middle of nights for the first 2 days, so its not very practical. I understand that she wants to come and see her grandson, but i just wish everything didn't always have to be on her terms

AIBU?

OP posts:

katiebirdie · 16/11/2007 20:52

get onto last minute.com and book a long weekend away. text her from the motorway seriously tho yanbu - how rude of her!

moondog · 16/11/2007 20:58

Aren't people meant to be invited to your home??
Tell her to feck off.

WinkyWinkola · 16/11/2007 21:10

Oooooh, no. My MIL shouldn't have to make an "appointment" to come over, as she puts. To me that suggests someone who couldn't care less what you're doing at that time.

Unfortunately for her, and everyone else, she does have to make sure it's convenient for us to have visitors. That's normal and courteous. She raged about it but it's tough.

Why don't you just tell your MIL you're away or it's just not convenient for the time she's arranged and suggest another time.

She'll never again make an arrangement to come and visit you with asking you first. Let her rant. She wouldn't dare do this to any of her friends so why should you get this lack of courtesy.

Ultimately, it's up to you how she treats you, stinky.

hildegard · 16/11/2007 21:14

it is so awful when people in your family are this difficult

the more unreasonable they are, the more vehemently they argue their case, and the nastier they become

you have my sympathy

themoon66 · 16/11/2007 21:15

'you booked to come when MiL? Oh dear, what a shame you didnt check with us first... we are not gonna be around on those dates'.... end of story.

crokky · 16/11/2007 21:17

stinkymalinki do you think that MIL thinks that she is a part "owner" of your house and that is why she can come and go as she chooses?

(I am not suggesting she is, however much money she gave DH because when you give it away, you give it away and lose your rights to it).

Original poster

stinkymalinki · 16/11/2007 21:21

Winky - i would love to tell her that its not convenient, but the trouble is that although DH says he agrees that she is being unreasonable he's too much of a coward to do/say anything about it, and rather than back me up if i am brave enough to say anything (MIL and i had a big stand-off re my DS's christening a few years ago, i refused to back down, DH bleated about how he hated being caught in the middle and refused to have anything to do with it), i'll be left to look like the bad guy.

The woman already hates me (far too many issues to go into, but basically i stole her son away), so i don't want to give her any more fuel for her fire. I guess i'll just have to grin and bear it, but thanks for backing me up on the yes, she's being unreasonable front

OP posts:

moondog · 16/11/2007 21:22

Is this the woman who cried and contacted the vicar over you not taking your dh's name??

hildegard · 16/11/2007 21:25

feel cross for you about your dh not taking your side....what a difficult situation to be in

onepieceoflollipop · 16/11/2007 21:26

YANBU - no not at all.

My mil is still in a sulk because they arrived unannounced (weeks ago) the week dd2 was born - they had visited several times prior to this to see the baby. Stood on doorstep insistent that they wouldn't come in and disturb us in case it was inconvenient, but they didn't mean it we later found out. I was knackered in old pjs and b/f which they find distasteful so dh took them at their word and waved them off. Apparently he did the wrong thing...

With ils like yours (and mine) I don't think you will ever be in the right.

Original poster

stinkymalinki · 16/11/2007 21:28

X-posts!

Crokky - you've hit the nail on the head. PIL gave DH 3K towards a deposit on his first house (ie. not the one we're even living in now!!!), and until i came along, they had their 'own' bedroom, despite only ever coming down 1-2 x a year. I moved in, then very quickly we got PG with DS and she doesn't seem to be able to move on from that, or understand that DS needs a bedroom to sleep in! I could understand her reaction
if we lived in a house with a spare room and we were just refusing to let them stay in it, but that really isn't the case!

OP posts:

Fireflytoo · 16/11/2007 21:29

Does the fact that her DS is doing nights and needing his bed in the day not mean anyting to her?

1dilemma · 16/11/2007 21:30

hildegard you know my MIL?

WinkyWinkola · 16/11/2007 21:31

Aw no, stinky. That's a very very tricky situation to be in.

I was in a similar situation with my DH and his mum but I made such a stink (so to speak) about her imposing behaviour that I've got her pretty well trained now.

I kind of learned not to rely on DH to do anything about his precious mother. It's up to me to put my foot down. Is there anyway you can do this too or is it just not worth the war that will ensue?

I only ask because pushy folk like your MIL will keep taking the p*ss.

But then again, if it's once in a blue moon and you can put up with it, then you'll have to live with it.

Sorry. Had three glasses of wine! Gab, gab, gab.. . . . . .

onepieceoflollipop · 16/11/2007 21:32

Ime some of this weird behaviour from mils stems from the fact that "in their day" they did their duty to their ils and relatives because times were different. My mil is now very bitter that although we make a big effort with her we won't be drawn into the same mind games and manipulation she had from her own mother and particularly her own mil. So she sulks and alienates us and can't accept that we won't enter into these games and sulks. Very

minouminou · 16/11/2007 21:39

start talking about nursing homes rather than hotels
i keep promising my in-laws membership of dignitas (swiss euthanasia organisation) for xmas............

Original poster

stinkymalinki · 16/11/2007 21:40

No, nights means nothing to her, and she's in the same profession FFS

The trouble with putting my foot down is that DH and ultimately DS would suffer in the backlash, and that doesn't seem fair.

I suppose i should just be grateful that they live 350 miles away so we only have to deal with this a few times a year. As i say, i understand her wanting to come down, but i just wish she'd ask so we can plan properly, rather than book a hotel, then tell us, then moan about it all!!

OP posts:

RosaLuxMundi · 17/11/2007 00:23

Moondog - it was my MIL who cried and contacted the vicar - unless Stinkymaliki's did too, she certainly sounds as if she had the potential to do so.
I agree with the others. Book a weekend away - then your bed will be free anyway.l

pipsqueak · 17/11/2007 00:32

rosa - what did your mil say to the vicar - am intrigued!

LoveAngelGabriel · 17/11/2007 08:39

Count yourself lucky! My MIL does the same thing - but she comes from the USA for 3 months at a time .

It's only four days. If she had to stay and inconvenience you all slightly, would it be the end of the world? Equally, if she really had to stay in a hotel, is it so bad?

Decide what your bottom line is and stick to it, because it's up to you to determine how much she pushes you around - in my experience, MILs don't change!

dorawannabe · 17/11/2007 08:44

Are you married to my brother Stinky? This is exactly the kind of thing my mother does and it drives me nuts. I'm currently getting the guilt trip 'cos I've put my foot down and told her and my 35 year old sister that they are not welcome at Christmas as I am suffering appalling morning sickness and need a break, not a week of playing hostess. This is the first time in 4 years I've said no and they are not dealing with the new me very well. What is their problem? They never invite us to theirs for a break.

crokky · 17/11/2007 10:58

at some all of your MILs behaviour!!

Is the problem perhaps that MIL does not want to pay the hotel bill? Can you go halves to appease her? My MIL will have to stay in a hotel if she comes to see us in the next 2 months and we are going to pay the bill so that she does not get moody about it.

Squeakybrushes · 17/11/2007 11:15

not unreasonable at all. my mil is very very similar, so you have my sympathies. it's as you say, everything has to be on her bloody terms. she's incapable of giving an inch.

Squeakybrushes · 17/11/2007 11:22

stinky - that thing you said about your dh claiming he 'didn't want to be stuck int the middle' - that's EXACTLY what my bloody dp says everytime i try to stand up to my mil. he just goes into little boy mode, and suddenly i'm the bad guy. the woman is pushy and insensitive beyond belief. last weekend at a family gathering, i was helping dd with a drink of water (she's 20 months) and mil reached across the table, snatched the cup out of my hand and shoved it into dd's mouth herself. my voice was shaking as a said in front of her whole family 'no, - she's MY daughter, I can manage. Ok?' and of course that just opened a whole can of worms and ruined the whole day, which ended in her claiming that i was 'making her feel rejected, just as her mother rejected her' oh ffs!!!!!

superloopy · 17/11/2007 11:37

My MIL informed us last month that she is arriving at the end of this month to stay for 10 days... Oh Joy!!

That is exactly 3 days after our baby is due.

She lives in Hants.

We live in Australia.

The only consolation is we have a 4 bedroom house so she will fit although my parents will be here too, as I want them here!!

I just have to remember how much she loves my DD and how much DD loves and misses her GM. She is also very excited about baby too.

I have just made sure we have all our UK bound xmas presents bought, wrapped and ready for her to take back to save us some postage.

I have been known to wish that my DH was an orphan on occassions!!

Good luck!!

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