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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that MIL is being totally unreasonable?

60 replies

stinkymalinki · 16/11/2007 20:50

MIL phoned this evening, to inform us that she will be coming down to stay at the end of the month for 4 days, and that she isn't happy that they have had to book into a hotel (basically intimating that we should give up our bed for them, despite the fact that i have a back problem, or turf DS out of his room), and that if it weren't for her, DH wouldn't have been able to buy the house etc (incidentally, this was all long before i came along!) etc etc...you get the general idea.

Well, aside from all the ranting (sadly quite normal for her), the main point in this is that we were completely unaware
that she was planning this visit - we were not asked if it was ok, if the dates were acceptable or anything. As it is, DH is in the middle of nights for the first 2 days, so its not very practical. I understand that she wants to come and see her grandson, but i just wish everything didn't always have to be on her terms

AIBU?

OP posts:
geekymummy · 17/11/2007 11:40

Just WHY are so many MILs like this?

And more DHs need to man up too

Tommy · 17/11/2007 11:46

that's the point geekymummy - the DHs don't - they never do. Mine always says "I don;t want to upset her...." although apparently it's OK to upset your wife for some reason.....

catsmother · 17/11/2007 11:53

Realtive or not I cannot believ how rude this woman is being.

She's calling to criticise and complaina bout something SHE organised (i.e. the hotel) BEFORE giving you any opportunity to suggest an alternative - and that's BEFORE she's even checked that her royal visit would actually be convenient or not. Obviously the assumption is that you WILL drop everything in order to facilitate her visit.

If it really is the long-lost (in the mists of time by the sounds of it) £3K deposit leading her to behave so arrogantly - and leading DH to feel unable to stand up to her - I would try to raise that money, maybe by remortgaging - and present her with a cheque saying "here you are MIL, thank you SO much for enabling DH to buy his 1st home way back when, but he's a grown up now and has taken full responsibility for his home, now we are square".

She then wouldn't have anything to hold over you and effectively emotionally blackmail you with.

hayCHingleBells · 17/11/2007 11:54

yanbu

Id tell her those dates are inconvenient and if she came on your preferred dates she could stay with you? Option?

Original poster
stinkymalinki · 17/11/2007 14:43

Wow! Lots of responses (and sadly lots of similar MILs and cowardly DHs!)

The hotel bill isn't the issue - she just HAS to have something to moan about, so if it weren't the hotel it could be something far worse (previous pet favourites have been declaring all through my PG that i didn't need a c section in her opinion even though i've got a very painful prolapsed disc and my Consultant banned me from going through natural labour; whinging about my sons christening date, even though we told her months in advance, ditto our wedding date and plans, etc etc)

I could maybe understand some of her actions if she and DH had been really close before i came along, but they weren't, and he actively chose to move 350 miles away from her!

Catsmother - re the house deposit, it transpires that DH did pay them back once he sold his first house, so its not like he even 'owes' them anything! She just likes to do her am-dram "if it weren't for me, you'd have NOTHING" speech

OP posts:
CarGirl · 17/11/2007 14:45

she does sound vile!

catsmother · 17/11/2007 16:04

God she does (sound vile that is).

Okay .... DH is too much of a wimp to say anything so I would instead. If she already hates you then what do you have to lose ?

Instead of waiting for the royal command (or should that be demand ?), I'd TELL the rude old bag that the dates declared are NOT convenient and she CAN'T come then. She can however, come on either xx date or yy date (perhaps suggest something in 2014 if you're feeling wicked) for xx days (or day, singular) as she prefers. Then you regain control but can't be accused of keeping her from her son or grandson.

Original poster
stinkymalinki · 17/11/2007 21:11

Argh, it gets worse....

FIL phoned this evening (obviously instructed to by MIL as it wouldn't have come from him) to ask if DH could do anything about coming off his night shifts as MIL is 'disappointed' with DH's lack of enthusiasm when she phoned to inform us of this visit. Er, no - not with just 2 weeks notice he can't, as they both well know. And perhaps if she'd thought to ask us first, we could have done something about it!

What next?!? They'll be asking me and DS to move out next so they can go back to having a bedroom at this rate! FFS!!

OP posts:
Original poster
stinkymalinki · 17/11/2007 21:16

Have already thought of the perfect retort when when they do arrive though - i'll be all smiley and serene and say "lovely to see you both. It was such a shame we didn't have more notice of your visit as we could have sorted out better arrangements" before she has time to whinge about the hotel, lack of time seeing us etc (whilst inwardly cursing the damn woman)

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 17/11/2007 21:21

Squeakybrushes - keep the telephone number of a good srink in your handbag at the next family gathering, then when she starts with the claptrap just hand her the paper and tell her to give hm a call about all her baggage and insecurities; after all its about time she got things sorted.

SM - you didn't think quick enough to say oh god not that four days we are off to friends - that wasn't very clever of you to plan to come all that way when we are going away, best to clarifie arrangments with us before booking.

ivykaty44 · 17/11/2007 21:26

Can't she pay for the hotel - you and dh go and stay in said hotel and PIL stay at house and look after grandchildren....

You can have b/fast in bed in said hotle and PIL can get themselves breakfast

pooter · 18/11/2007 03:44

Hi stinky - you have my sincere sympathy - im going through tsomething very similar at teh mo. pils were tootling around in their camper van and phoned to say theyd be stopping with us in the near future - not "is it ok if....", and despite me making my dh phone them every day to find out where they were and when they were planning on coming - they gave me 2 hours notice in the end - and didnt tell me when they were going. I know i should just come out and say something - but im a bit ground down by it all. they ended up staying for 5 days, despite my dh being on earlies and on cover - so they didnt really see him, so i had to entertain them all the bloody time.

My fil just sat on his backside and criticised everything about the house "so you havent done that yet, why havent you done this, you want to get this car, dont do that, your garden has weeds.......etc etc" whilst being waited on hand and foot by my mil. My mil did a similar thing to yours squeaky brushes - she grabbed the cup i was giving to my 9mo ds and put it in his mouth herself. I was in the middle of giving him his lunch (me kneeling on the floor as they had the 2 seats).

They changed the setting on the thermostat to 26degrees without asking or telling me - i was sweating and thinking i must be ill! She changed the setting on my dishwasher to rinse, so i was faced with stinky dirty dishes when i got in from shopping. And he called me "nasty mummy" to my ds because ds was protesting about getting changed.

If that wasnt enough - they announced that they are coming to stay next week - before and after a short trip abroad. I dont think i can stand it. Its just low level stuff, buit its driving me MENTAL

so sorry to hijack - had to release some of this pent up rage.

seeker · 18/11/2007 06:34

I was at a PTA meeting last week discussing our Christmas Fair, and one woman said that she would volunteer "the Queen of Darkness" to bake a cake -then went very red as she realized she had accidently used her private nickname for her MIL! The name has been almost universally adopted by the committee to describe their MILs......!

belgo · 18/11/2007 07:47

I don't understand why youd ds can't move into your room and your pil stay in your ds's room. That's what I would do - that's what we've done in the past.

we always make room for family and friends to stay especially if they've travelled to us.

I think this situation could be handled differently on both sides.

LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 18/11/2007 08:02

I WOULD have said the same as belgo if it was a simple moving ds for 4 days BUT she's been bloody rude, didn't ASK and is now having a go because OP's dh is working and she wants him to change it FFS. YANBU, she is!!

belgo · 18/11/2007 08:03

maybe the reason why she doesn't ask is because she's scared the answer will be no.

And she doesn't wait until she's invited because she thinks she's never going to be invited.

aramintavanhamstring · 18/11/2007 09:45

I think that we all need to have a little bit of respect for other posters....if they find their inlaws unreasonable, there is possibly a very good reason.
Whist I'm sure that an outsider to the family can spot the dynamic and how to fix it, it still causes unbelievable angst to those stuck in the middle.

I became assertive with my inlaws this year, not unreasonable or aggressive, just assertive. We have a business that reaches critical mass at Xmas time. I called them and told them that they couldn't stay with us at that time. I booked a flight for my dh and boys instead at a time that was do-able.

This morning I am sitting alone with my laptop and a big mug of steaming tea whilst my dh and boys are enjoying staying at Grannys. Everyone is much happier. My dh whined like hell at the time....I wasn't supportive, how would it look....but really he just didn't want to waste his time seeing his parents. Why he ever thought that I wanted to solely entertain them for weeks at a time I will never know.

I hope to maintain a relationship with my sons when they leave home but I shall never just assume that I can abuse their parners and behave in an unsympathetic and frankly, frighteningly demanding way.

As it happens, I feel free, my mil gets to see her son without my wretched presence and the boys get to be spoiled. I'm glad that after 16 years, I have taken this step.

Someone once said 'no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. I have withdrawn my consent.

Good luck to all of you who struggle with this very difficult situation.

belgo · 18/11/2007 09:52

'think that we all need to have a little bit of respect for other posters'

Totally agree.

I think this thread illustrates plenty of respect between posters.

andiemisletoe · 18/11/2007 09:58

very good post hamstring totally agree my ils very manipulative as well always making me feel bad going on about how ds should have married a good northern girl etc etc
now I let dh do all the organising and I chant in with anger out with love at all times in their presence

MALO · 18/11/2007 09:58

I used to have the exact same problem with my out-laws (I don't call them in-laws anymore). They would just turn up when they wanted - without letting us know first - or they would turn up knowing full well I was at work (I used to work weekends)...so in the end I told them not to do so unless they checked with us first. This was especially difficult because they live 65 miles away and it was never a fleeting visit - they would stay all day. They replied that they didn't need an appointment and that we should be an open house.

We cut our ties with them almost 3yrs ago...long story!

aramintavanhamstring · 18/11/2007 09:59

'we always make room for family and friends to stay especially if they've travelled to us.'

'I think this situation could be handled differently on both sides.'

Possibly because this topic strikes a raw nerve these comments seemed extremely condescending. You probably didn't intend them to be read that way.

belgo · 18/11/2007 10:06

araminta - I'm very surprised you have read my comments that way. After all, I was only putting forward another point of view, another opinion, which is what the AIBU are all about.

I was certainly not showing any disrespect or being condescending to other posters.

MALO · 18/11/2007 10:25

belgo - we're all different and not everyone will agree with your comments - me included.

I would not move my kids out of their beds to make room for dh's parents - nor would I allow them to visit when they wanted without prior warning. The same as I would not expect them to do that for us.

belgo · 18/11/2007 10:28

I don't expect everyone to agree with me. Of course I don't. I'm not even asking for anyone to agree with me.
But I don't expect to be told I'm condscending or to have implied that my comments are disrespectful.

SauerKraut · 18/11/2007 10:41

Although I agree this is a very difficult topic and every relationship has its individual problems, I also agree with Belgo. My dcs willingly move out of their rooms if the reward for that is spending time their grandparents. And no matter what problems I mght have with my in-laws, I am glad the dcs feel this way. I feel for you, though, stinkymalinki, it can be very hard.