Aibu, compulsory school trip costing £100

[kitkat463]

Aibu, my son's school ( secondary) are having an activity week at a local activity centre during the normal school week. They've said they are hoping for 100 percent uptake and don't have the option for kids to just go to school as normal. It will cost £100 per child, but they have said if anyone can't afford it they should ask for help. I can afford it, but my son doesnt want to go, it isn't his cup of tea. Aibu to be annoyed and resent paying £100 for something neither my son or I want him to do. I dont want him just to stay home for a week so I'll probably send him But Aibu to be annoyed? ! No, you are not unreasonable this is not acceptable for schools to do this, yes... Yabu it's a fun activity week and the school just want to give the teens a fun week after a rubbish year.

School is all about being forced to do things you don't want to

Not paying for it!

@TeenMinusTests Exactly! And the fact that some other people love abseiling would be irrelevant.

I was once part of a team at work where a few people were very keen on us applying/auditioning for a TV dance show focused on workplace groups. I have a physical disability and the job had nothing to do with dance or performance. I was upfront with the person organising it and said that I definitely wouldn't be participating. It didn't matter if everyone else loved the idea and thought it would be great fun. I didn't. They could still go ahead without me.

I went on one infamous team building course, where the afternoon activity was one of those spider web things where you have to pass team mates through various sized holes made by rope and teaching a height of about 6 feet. No other activity was available. A reasonable team activity I can hear many of you saying. However, for some reason although all the other teams were made up of 6 - 8 people our team allocation was 4, and one chap on the team was in a wheelchair. It was a very fancy electric wheelchair with many functions but levitating and making itself smaller so it could fit along with its occupant through a small hole 6 foot off the ground was not one of them! We queried the size of our team and the lack of accessibility for all our team mates but was told to just get on with it. I was the only female and the smallest in height (but not that light ) so I was the one thrown through as many holes as possible. But it got to the point when it needed 2 people to pick me up to get through a hole, but was at a height when I needed someone on the other side to guide me through. So we had to stop. We talked about it as a team and were all happy to stop at the same time. Good team working we thought, but no we were told we had failed because we didn’t finish the task. I have hated team building courses ever since.

@ineedaholidaynow

I went on one infamous team building course, where the afternoon activity was one of those spider web things where you have to pass team mates through various sized holes made by rope and teaching a height of about 6 feet. No other activity was available. A reasonable team activity I can hear many of you saying. However, for some reason although all the other teams were made up of 6 - 8 people our team allocation was 4, and one chap on the team was in a wheelchair. It was a very fancy electric wheelchair with many functions but levitating and making itself smaller so it could fit along with its occupant through a small hole 6 foot off the ground was not one of them! We queried the size of our team and the lack of accessibility for all our team mates but was told to just get on with it. I was the only female and the smallest in height (but not that light ) so I was the one thrown through as many holes as possible. But it got to the point when it needed 2 people to pick me up to get through a hole, but was at a height when I needed someone on the other side to guide me through. So we had to stop. We talked about it as a team and were all happy to stop at the same time. Good team working we thought, but no we were told we had failed because we didn’t finish the task. I have hated team building courses ever since.

This made me laugh and I would hate this too!

But aren’t we in danger of passing on our dislikes and fears to put kids if we allow them to only do what they want to do or feel comfortable doing?

Eg those who hated pe and sports day seem to have kids that don’t like it too or seem to think it’s ok for the kids to be exempt. Surely if they did it to whatever level they could, in an encouraging atmosphere, they may actually enjoy it?

I hated public speaking as a kid- I would worry for days beforehand if I had to stand up and talk in front of the class. I would feel sick, not eat and not sleep. I would have loved to have been exempt. But it finally got a bit easier as I got older and I gained in confidence. I now have to do it as part of my job.

I think there is a fine line between forcing someone to do something they don’t want to and encouraging them and it must be so difficult for teachers nowadays with parents so quick to complain about their rights.

Eg those who hated pe and sports day seem to have kids that don’t like it too or seem to think it’s ok for the kids to be exempt. Surely if they did it to whatever level they could, in an encouraging atmosphere, they may actually enjoy it?

It's possible! But those who hated it as children didn't find that being made to do it meant that they enjoyed it. That's why we think that it's okay to be exempt from things. Just as some of those who loved school residential trips assume that 'everyone' did - to some extent all our views are influenced by our own experience. If a parent is, at the outset, telling a child they'll hate something and so shouldn't even try it, then that's not right, but it's not really what I see in this thread.

Public speaking is an interesting one because I flat-out refused to do it at school. The idea was terrifying. If I couldn't get out of it by legitimate means I'd find a way to miss that lesson. Then, many years later, I got a job that required it. I really wanted the job. Public speaking was still horrendous but because I now had a good reason to do it (loved other parts of the job and didn't want to lose it) I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone and did it. The results were positive, and I attribute that to free choice and motivation. Someone managing to force me into doing it at school wouldn't have gotten those results, just contributed to the aversion. I'm never going to enjoy it, but I can do it when necessary now.

@Seashor

Thank you op. I have been seriously thinking about organising an overnight trip for our cohort. This will entail hours of work and unpaid work for every staff member who attends, but I thought it would be of great benefit to the children. After reading your post and some of the replies I won’t bother now.

That sounds a good decision. Covid worries are still high and I expect a lot of kids who would normally be up for a residential will be less keen to be away from home right now.

Some of our DC have to use massive resilience every day at school. To get through the noise, the being less academic, the not being good at sport, or art. The being ignored, overlooked, discounted.

They don't need to go on a special week showing up even more their weaknesses but this time in a team situation where they will be blamed or fear a failure for letting down the group.

Not all activity weeks are like this, but some are. If a teen says they won't enjoy it and you know from previous experiences they are probably right, then why should you have to pay and make them do it?

@CthulhuChristmas

YANBU, and if he doesn't want to go he shouldn't have to. Especially if it really is supposed to be just a 'fun' week, not educational in some way. Not everyone has the same idea of fun.

There were a couple of 'compulsory' school trips that I declined as a teenager. I'm glad my parents didn't try to force me to go, and my education didn't suffer for it. Doing things outside of your comfort zone is great if you've chosen them and are up for the challenge, but not if it's someone else's idea and they're making you do it.

This.

The adult equivalent is work team building events which everyone hates.

@Seashor Most trips I am sure are enjoyable and beneficial to most pupils and I am sure much appreciated. I have been very grateful for the trips my DDs have been on over their time at school.

However Paid overnight trips / activity weeks need to be optional so that the minority who do not wish, for whatever reason, to participate, can opt out. (Unless it is a compulsory part of a course such as a GCSE geography field trip.)

@CthulhuChristmas

Eg those who hated pe and sports day seem to have kids that don’t like it too or seem to think it’s ok for the kids to be exempt. Surely if they did it to whatever level they could, in an encouraging atmosphere, they may actually enjoy it?

It's possible! But those who hated it as children didn't find that being made to do it meant that they enjoyed it. That's why we think that it's okay to be exempt from things. Just as some of those who loved school residential trips assume that 'everyone' did - to some extent all our views are influenced by our own experience. If a parent is, at the outset, telling a child they'll hate something and so shouldn't even try it, then that's not right, but it's not really what I see in this thread.

Public speaking is an interesting one because I flat-out refused to do it at school. The idea was terrifying. If I couldn't get out of it by legitimate means I'd find a way to miss that lesson. Then, many years later, I got a job that required it. I really wanted the job. Public speaking was still horrendous but because I now had a good reason to do it (loved other parts of the job and didn't want to lose it) I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone and did it. The results were positive, and I attribute that to free choice and motivation. Someone managing to force me into doing it at school wouldn't have gotten those results, just contributed to the aversion. I'm never going to enjoy it, but I can do it when necessary now.

I'm impressed by this, Cthulhu. Feel the same.

Encourage children but don't force, they have strong instincts.

@Seashor

Thank you op. I have been seriously thinking about organising an overnight trip for our cohort. This will entail hours of work and unpaid work for every staff member who attends, but I thought it would be of great benefit to the children. After reading your post and some of the replies I won’t bother now.

I was teacher who planned trips too. I get that it's a lot of work. But I wouldn't expect a parent to pay £100 for something their child would hate, either.

If it was outside compulsory education time, OP and her son would have a choice. But I really don't think it's fair to expect anyone to pay that sort of money for something that they'll dread and hate, simply because it's been planned in the school day and they can't stay back.

If you'd seriously not run the trip you're planning because of a single parent's concern (who it's screamingly unlikely has anything to do with your school) then I question your professionalism.

Fuck that. £100 for something non compulsory that DS won't enjoy and doesn't want to do?

Nope. I was an introverted child and am now an introverted adult. I didn't go on these trips as a child, and now as an adult I book annual leave from work on any bullshit team building corporate bonding days.

@TeenMinusTests

Some of our DC have to use massive resilience every day at school. To get through the noise, the being less academic, the not being good at sport, or art. The being ignored, overlooked, discounted.

They don't need to go on a special week showing up even more their weaknesses but this time in a team situation where they will be blamed or fear a failure for letting down the group.

Not all activity weeks are like this, but some are. If a teen says they won't enjoy it and you know from previous experiences they are probably right, then why should you have to pay and make them do it?

Yes I agree to some extent but then you’re implying that only those who are “good” at something should do it.

And those who struggle with maths and English etc don’t get to opt out of that.

It may be that the ones who do better at sports day spend everyday feeling inadequate at their ability at maths or English.

Surely it’s up to schools to make sure the emphasis is on pupils not being made to feel inadequate for not being as good as others?

Think the teacher was questioning whether it's worth even bothering doing anything outside of the curriculum for fear of offending someone.

If they cannot do right, they won't do at all.

You also can't plan every trip for every single circumstance.

@Watermelon222 I'm not really implying that only those who are good at something should do it. Most kids are good at something at school, but some aren't. And it takes it's toll, relentlessly day in, day out. Posters saying a teen should have to pay to do an activity week they don't want to don't get that. There is only so much schools can do to stop others feeling inadequate. Kids aren't stupid - they can see where they are less good, and others roll their eyes not wanting them on teams etc.

Just think of all the posters who say it is up to their child who they want to invite to b-day parties. So the same kids get left out every time. Yes the bullies/mean kids. But also the ones whose speech isn't so good, who are a bit quirky, who can't play the skipping games or football, who are shy.

I didn’t go on my school residential trip as, although technically my Mum could afford it, we simply couldn’t justify spending the money on something I really didn’t want to do. I hated that type of activity as a child and I hate it now as an adult. I was however made to do actual compulsory school work/ activities I didn’t want to do. Being excused from one expensive activity does not mean a child is pandered to.

@Watermelon222 I have not passed my hatred of camping to DS, he has been on many camps with scouts and has built up to do wild camping with DH. He has been many school residentials including one which mainly involved heights, which he doesn't like.

However, he is in Y11 this year and has had to put up with so much in the last couple of years and he has done so without complaint. He has attended every online lesson, worn a mask when required, followed the rules etc. He is now having test after test, after being told no exams. We are so proud of him and he has shown so much resilience, so if his school said they had an activity week coming up that he didn't want to attend, compulsory or not, I would be telling him he didn't need to attend as he has put up with so much this year.

It's not always the activities themselves which can put people off. My DS loathed school activity trips. However organised by Army Cadets he had a whale of a time. The discipline was a bit sharper. The activities were a bit more robust.

For children who are bullied or introverted or unpopular these type of events must be hell.

@ihavethehighground

Heard this before. The child often ends up having a great time and gaining new confidence

Oh really?

DS went on a trip to the US with school, over a half term when aged 15. The school tried packing so much into the few days that he and the whole group had around 6 hours a night to cram in showers and sleeping. Turns out he's very uncomfortable in large crowds so the trip was almost torture to him.

Add to this he has anxiety and depression, he had a meltdown when he finally got into the car when I collected him. The group was around 100 people so food was eaten st places that could feed a large group so it was mainly burgers all week. He was messaging me from the motorway coming home, asking for fruit and veg to snack on.

So mo, not all kids are going to have a great time and we shouldn't be forcing them into situations we wouldn't do ourselves.

Oh yeah, cost over £1000. And his dad, my ex, refused to contribute.

Sounds like my trip when I was 10/11

Went orienteering archery swimming

Was fun

Why doesn’t he want to go ?

Agree the cost compulsory is wrong

But a bargain at £100 for activities nights away and food

@Snoozer11

All of the posters who are sneering at OP and her son must have had a very easy time at school.

I think a gentle reminder that school isn't a happy time for everyone is in order.

If someone is being bullied, they're not going to want to go. If they're not bullied but don't have any close friends, they're not going to want to go.

I went away once at secondary school and hated it. I had no chance of quietly using the toilet for three days, and had no friends. I hardly spoke a word during that time, and spent four hours wandering around an unfamiliar city where I didn't speak the language by myself. It was agonizing.

If a child is overweight, the last thing they're going to want to do is attend a physical activity for a week. It's embarrassing for kids.

Just because you can afford £100 doesn't mean you're happy to pay it.

I would also resent the situation if I was in OP's position and I'd be tempted to not pay and keep him off school that week.

I agree completely, @Snoozer11. I was overweight, bullied and had no friends - school trips were utter misery.

I don’t think the school can make this compulsory - they can’t force parents to cough up £100.

I keep looking for the posts where OP has outlined the type of activities, or explained how her dc is bullied at school/introverted/hates being away from home etc.
Nothing there, just a "not his cup of tea".
Lots of projection from posters about the exact details.

As I said before, I was a teacher and I planned trips. But no way would I plan one during compulsory school time that cost £100. And if any of my colleagues had tried to I'd have fought tooth and nail against the idea. To send a letter saying they wanted 100% attendance adds insult to injury.
Saying that no child can stay back also means that parents would have to find childcare. It's really not on.

No way could I have afforded £100 when mine were that age, for a single day activity that my kid would hate. But nor could I, or would I have asked the school for help with the cost.